With Or Without Him

When I am with him, I am okay. Because he acts as if nothing has changed. We are friendly to each other. I can’t fight with him. There is no reason to. I don’t know why I still buy him food and do his laundry. Yes, I do because the mindset is not here yet. However: the packing goes on. We will be separating but without legal separation papers at first because that costs money and as he said, “If we do that; we may as well just get the divorce.” but, we can’t get the divorce due to medical insurance.” At least, not yet. Maybe in 9 months, he will have had a raise or maybe I will know where/if I am going. I may like the apartment so much; I’ll want to keep renting.

I think my headaches have decreased a bit because he is still here. It has only semi-hit. Like a compact car verses a big-rig. However, my stomach is in knots big time. Crazy diarrhea. I thought it was my diet which could play a factor as I was just starting to keep track again like I was supposed to, but it’s a combination of everything, I think. I know stress can play havoc on your body.

I am praying to hear from the apartments today with the approval of everything and the actual date finalized. In actuality, we only paid for the credit check. They are doing a thorough background investigation. In the meantime, there was a 2nd apartment that was perfect as far as location, amenities and square footage. They had said one would be available on the 8th or sooner. If they called tomorrow and said one was available; I may change my mind due to location purposes. But, they won’t. They aren’t even listed online anymore. This is stress talking. This is so freaky going to a new place, being in limbo and not knowing when, knowing I am going on my own,

I just took the dog to the vet a few days ago but I think I may have to take him again. He seem to be whining and curling himself up which he does when he back starts to bother him, plus, he is scooting and needs an anal express. The vet know the situation, I’m in. Maybe they can just give him some hydrocortisone without an office visit. They’ve done it before.

My Blog and Emotions

My last post brought an extreme reaction from a friend and at first I took it to mean I lost said friend. However, after talking to my sister, she made me realize I am to emotional to receive comments from people at present. Makes sense. Anything I read/hear is just not being taken the way it is being sent. It’s not necessarily that it is not what I do or don’t want to hear; maybe it is that I just cannot hear it NOW. At least I just talked to said friend on the phone to make sure all was clear with us. I also decided not to update regarding the marriage issue on Facebook anymore for the same reason. However:

My blog is what it is: My space to blog my feelings..so this will continue:

Since I don’t know most of you and those I do know have different names (most of you), this will still be a emotional, venting, crying, place. I hope that is okay.

So Tired and Drained

I am so tired of dealing with this. Now, we are separating verses a Divorce right away because of the medical insurance coverage. I can’t lose my coverage. I can’t afford it on my own..but, now he tells me if he decided not to give me any alimony; he might have been able to cover the medical and I would have lived on all the other stuff. Whatever.

I don’t care anymore.

So, we can separate. After 9 months, we will re-evaluate the relationship and the financial aspect of it. Good .AT least give me 9 months away. You want 9 months to play friends, or whatever.. Fine. Get your head on straight. Whatever. Stop jerking me around. I need to get away from you. Why can’t you understand that? You don’t love me. I can’t be your Insta-Friend after 12 years of being your wife.

Tomorrow, I am going back to my counselor for an emergency meeting. (So, to speak.) Everything is signed and turned in for the apartment. Please give me my definite move-in date. Tell me soon and let’s get going. My animals are stressed and so am I.

Plus, I’m tired of hearing people tell me he or anyone I’m with needs to be a Christian. I’m sorry but I’m getting to where I’m ready to turn off my phone and Facebook until I’m moved out and alone and away from him. Not keeping anyone I know in the loop, at all. People are lecturing him now and people are lecturing me.

There’s also the fact that he is taking off work again tomorrow. Playing sick. I wish he would just go. For someone that doesn’t want to be around me anymore, he isn’t really wanting to separate any time soon and he seems to act as if we are just friends now. This is exhausting and emotional to me. Why doesn’t he get it???

The Marriage Ending Saga (Found An Apartment)

I found an apartment and the paperwork is being signed and money is being put down today. We are also seeing someone about the Divorce. I may have to steel myself with a bit of anger or something to get through this: even though financially he is being very nice.

Here is what I don’t need right now. I have a neighbor who I thought was a friend. A new Christian. She literally told me she does not like my decision and it is against God. She said I should fight for my marriage because God does not want Divorce. She went on and on about how I should be the stronger person and have faith because God turns people around, blah, blah, blah. I almost told her where to shove her religion.

I asked S. again if he was sure this is how he felt. He actually said not only Yes, but if he decided to stay he would probably just do this to me again in the future because he is not happy. He also said he has felt this way for about the last 5 years. I had the transplant about 6 years ago. This means, about right after the transplant, S. decided since I didn’t I didn’t get miraculously cured or for whatever reasons;.he wasn’t happy and we should end it.

He re-affirmed that there is no one else or at least no one by computer.

I can’t dwell on this anymore. I need to focus on moving and try to put my crying on the back burner until I get out of here, if possible. I could be moving as soon as next wknd.

Sharing To Much

Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has advice. They may have been through a similar situation but it is NOT the same. They were not married to the same man. They do not have the same disabilities as I. They are not in the same financial situation. One thing I’ve learned from this experience is not to share the finer details anymore about the issues. We are doing things our way. Yes, I said “We.” He is still my husband at the moment. Legally, we are still married. We start divorce proceedings (the paperwork aspect or the consultation or whatever) on Monday. He is supportive in that way and will continue to be. That is nobody’s business but mine!

We looked at apartments all day. We actually signed for one as far as having the credit checked. It is a cute condo. However, the more I’ve been thinking about it. I really want a one-bedroom with a back yard area for the dog. The condo had a front patio only which, would prove awkward for the dog, and it was a bit small.

Emotionally, I contacted my doctor who gave me Xanax to calm down. After one pill, I know it can be addictive. I think I may only need one a day or so. It gets me back on an even keel. I stop crying, I literally float in a euphoric fog. I also sleep. Last night I finally slept over 5 hours straight. It was wonderful!

My thoughts still go in and out as I pack. I’ve accepted it to a point. But, things won’t really hit until I move out which may not be to soon because I am finding it hard to find a one-bedroom that takes pets, with a small yard, in a decent price range. I found one will open up in mid-June. It’s 900 square feet which would be fantastic.

I’m willing to wait, if necessary. I mean..we don’t fight. Especially now I have my Xanax to fall back on. But, a month? I don’t know. The packing?..The acceptance? I am liable to forget just why I am packing at all if I wait to long.

Questions About My Nightmare

3-4 headache pills every day and the last one gives me solid sleep until I wake up with a nightmare. My husband is leaving me. My marriage is over.

So, I’m talking to his Aunt on the phone this morning going over the scenario again and it Hits! I mean.. Really Hits! I frickin want a nervous breakdown! I want to die. I don’t want this. I want to wake up to my old reality as husband and wife. I literally want to scream or throw something or freak out. I wind up calling my sister who calms me down a bit. She actually tells me I need to calm down..I can’t go to the hospital..he won’t go there. Then, she gets into why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

Tonight, we talk, the man and I. The one who is still my husband, for the moment. He got annoyed a bit in the afternoon because I posted on Facebook about the situation and his sister got upset. I think she told him, as did a few others who called and texted him and asked what was going on. I guess he was going to keep it a secret for a while. I don’t know why. If he really wants to leave so bad, what’s the big secret?

We aren’t fighting. We are actually still getting along as usual except for the fact that I cry constantly now. Little things set me off. We watched a show where the family went camping in a motor home reminding me that S. had wanted to rent a motor home and go camping together. Plus, S. actually announced that he just doesn’t love me anymore.

One positive in this mess. My moving out is going to be Expensive! He is paying my rent. Plus, I will need some new furniture. After getting me moved, he may only have enough to rent a room somewhere. Oh well. In that respect, I have no sympathy. I come first financially since his wish of freedom or whatever is being fulfilled.

We will be getting a Lawyer very soon.

In the meantime, I still cannot believe any of this. I still want to wake up. I want to smack him in the head with a brick and have him wake up and love me again like he did when we first married.

I ask myself why I go through this over and over again in relationships and how this could happen with the man who supposedly committed his life to me? I ask myself why when I was born with a rare, metabolic disorder and was not expected to live.. my parents fought so hard for me to live; that I am meant to suffer over and over and over again like this? It would almost be better to have had some major physical and mental handicaps because then you are always like a child and your heart does not get broken so easily.

I would like to also know just how many tears one can cry because I just can’t seem to stop. If I stoop drinking water, do the tears stop, or do you just get dehydrated before you get sick and die?

I thank God for my animals because they have both been there for me during my break-downs and
give me a reason to get up. Right now, the focus is on packing and finding an apartment and I do think that will happen very soon.

His Family Support

We are looking at apartments. I will be out soon. I need to get out and cry and continue. I already cry.. every day. I am angry and empty and so, very hurt. He is keeping me on his health insurance. He is putting it in writing.

I want his family to be angry and turn against him. But, they still think he is wonderful. He is still so caring and wonderful. This must be really hard for him, blah, blah, blah. HIM! HIM! What about how hard it is for me? The one that has no choice but to accept this asshole decision of ending our marriage because the asshole doesn’t want to be married anymore? How can his family still think he is such a kind, considerate, caring, man?

Marriage Is Forever..Until.

Marriage is forever..until it’s not. It get’s hard. So, he walks away.

In my case, it was the sickness and health that did it. I’m to sick. It’s True! I was born sick. I’ve always been sick. I was sick with a virus or something when he proposed. During the first 3 months we dated I got sick, I had an Appendectomy, and my cat died. But, he said he still loved me and even though I joked and said I might bring him bad luck, he said we would only have good luck after.

Two years later, I was diagnosed with Kidney Failure. I needed a transplant. He was the first one tested. He was my perfect match. Now, I’m on Immunosuppressant’s. Things aren’t better. I’m sick all the time. Every cough, flu, cold.. I get it. IMMUNOSUPPRESSANT’S suppress the immune system. You are very susceptible to getting sick. There ya go.

Time passes. I have stomach issues Guess what? I’m wheat intolerant! I guess I’ll go on a gluten-free diet. That helps quite a bit. That cuts down on a lot of our restaurant choices. I’m a Migraine Sufferer and they are getting worse. The seasons, foods, I don’t know why. The doctors keep changing my meds. The meds make me sleep or sick. I NEED help. My husband took me to the hospital a few times for a week to two at a time for headaches, he also took me for fecal issues (gross, I know.), I had to get back on the formula I was on when I was a child due to my metabolic disorder. They think that might help my stomach issues. It may have a little bit but I still have issues. Probably always will. I’ve had an Anal Fissure. I’ve had it removed via surgery. Now, I am going to have a Hysterectomy soon because I have a Vaginal Prolapse? Sex isn’t because of pain. BUT, I’m seeing doctors. I’m waiting for referrals. I’m trying to get help. So:

It isn’t me, it’s him. He doesn’t want to be married anymore. He doesn’t want to take care of me. He doesn’t want responsibility. He doesn’t like hospitals. He isn’t happy. He is willing to stay friends. He wants out.

We are looking at apartments. I will be moving soon. I am taking the animals. My emotions are a mess. How can it be so easy to just walk away because things get hard? What kind of person does this? Where did my husband go? They need to have Separation Ceremonies and Divorce Ones as well like they do Marriage, so people will take their vows more seriously.

Marriage is forever..until it’s not.

Changes A Head..I’ll Explain Later

Life sucks when nothing is as it seems and you are facing a life change you didn’t want. I try to pretend it isn’t happening but it my mind.. I know it is.

More details later.

He Comes Home Today

My husband is coming home today and as expected, I got nothing done this wknd except laundry and working on my book a bit. It was a Smother’s Day Movie Marathon on Channel 150-Time Warner, so I did watch quite a few movies and I didn’t go anywhere due to not just energy/headache reasons; but also the fact that my transmission is slipping and I would really prefer my husband be local, should anything happen.

My husband forwarded a picture of his Mom and his Aunt so I could see them. It is sad how much weight his Aunt has gained. She used to be big before but… plus, her hair is so short, it is not attractive. I think she lost it big time when her mother died recently.

One thing I learned from the picture, (actually I knew this) if you are a large woman, I don’t recommend wearing splashes of color. At least in this case, it made her look like a Circus Tent.

Anyway, I guess it’s a cleaning frenzy today to see what I get accomplished before my Hero returns.