Drawing A Blank

Last night was my Grief Group and we talked about Grief Stages, etc. again sort of.
I am beginning to wonder if I should continue.  I feel Nothing.  No sadness, no Guilt, absolutely Nothing.  Just Blank.
  My husband  says he doesn’t think I am grieving and he thinks I am feeling guilty because I’m not.      Subconscious guilt?  Possible, I suppose.  My sister can relate and points out that maybe it is because of how we were raised.  We loved our mother..or tried to.  We could never make or keep our mother happy.  Mom wanted so much for us to be the people were were not.  No family lived like The Waltons, The Brady Bunch, etc.  We were always compared to her friends families.  Her friends children may have had wonderful jobs and perfect marriages but that’s only what mom heard and saw from her viewpoint or what was shared with her.  We could never live up to her expectations and the guilt trips didn’t always work which made things worse.
  I was in an abusive relationship for a long time.  In this relationship, the guy I was with would threaten suicide if I did not do what he wanted so I would usually give in.  It wasn’t for quite a while that I finally had the courage to learn about Domestic Violence and I faced what was going on and got out.  When I told my mother about my boyfriends suicide threats, my mother had said, “That’s wrong because that is abuse.” and I said, “But, you did it.” and I’ll never forget her response when she said, “Well, that was different.”  Was it really?  A family member threatening to commit suicide in order to have something done the way they want verses a boyfriend doing the same is different?  I suppose in hindsight..she is rignt.  It was different.  A family member is Worse!
  Anyway, so I am re-considering this Grief Grop.  Wondering if I should continue.  I’ve received numerous pages of info however none of it pertains toward me at all.  Not now, maybe later.
  The facilitator is now starting to throw at us the fact that is it is time to deal with the pain and grief like something big is coming p.  So, I guess all we’ve supposedly done so far is acknowlege it.  I haven’t acknoweged it.  How do you acknowlege something when you are blank?            

1 Comment

  1. Hey A, HUGS as you go through all this. Everyone is different and who says you have to cry and wail to grieve? Blank is OK really it is. Blank will change to the next thing when your emotions say so. If you feel like that group is not doing anything for you then dont go-hey wasted time away from home, husband etc is not worth it. I am praying for you always!

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