Slow Progress

Hey, I’ve gained a bit of weight (am actually over 99 now) and was able to wear one of my new shirts for the 1st time yesterday.    Unfortunately, I didn’t get out where anyone could see it but I knew I was wearing it and that’s what matters.

Yesterday was a bad day in a few ways.  It was the one-year Anniversary of the death of my mother.  I have to wonder if that’s when my depression actually started.  I will never forget getting the phone call then literally running into the home even though she was already gone and being alone with her body.  Just the unreality that the day before when she had been walking around at the home and still driving everybody crazy.  The nurses had said she even had Ice-Cream.  It had been expected, yet not.

  I think I feel guilty because my relationship with my mother was rocky and I consider myself more of a Daddy’s Girl yet she fought for me to live while I was in the hospital dying after I was born.  I am torn though because I have no reason to feel guilty.  I actually feel guilty because my mother ruled by guilt.  Anyway,   I was going to get together with a friend to keep busy but something came up so that did not happen.  It was for the best though because I had stomach issues all day.  I did end up cleaning quite a bit of the house though which my mother would have been proud of.  My mother cleaned the house constantly.  We grew up with one room we could not even go in unless we had company.  

I canceled the appointment for the Hemorrhoid Cream Study.  I don’t know why I woke up with 2nd thoughts but something told me not to go.  I did speak to a few friends and one had mentioned the possibility of an allergic reaction but it wasn’t that.  Usually, when I get a strong feeling like this..God is trying to tell me something. 

I may have said this before but despite the side effects, the Zoloft seems to be helping quite a bit.   I am considering going  to Target today to get some boots and a few other things, and for me to consider going anywhere is a BIG step in the right direction.

Friend Swap

I just finished reading a book by Jane Green titled, ‘Swapping Lives’.  What a concept.  Have you ever considered it?  In her book, a journalist in London does an article about a single girl swapping lives with someone who is married with children but what if you could swap lives with a friend?  Which of your friends would you choose?  I have one friend in the same position I am minus the health problems.  I mean she is in the position of staying at home with no job and I wonder what she does to fill in her days.  She, like me does not like mall shopping at all.  One difference though is her parents live practically across the street from her and she visits them most every day.  I remember those days from a long time ago.  Both my parents are gone now and the one year anniversary of my mothers passing is coming up on Thursday.  I have another friend who works 3 jobs and doesn’t have a lot of spare time, a 3rd friend is single.. goes to school and is on disability for her foot.  She is looking for a job but may not be seriously looking until the end of the semester and if she doesn’t find anything may consider moving with her mother to WA later.   I also have the same option as the single girl of a friend in another state who has two children.  Considering, I know her husband who is a friend of ours and they gave us the dog and tortoise..that would be a very odd experience indeed. 

I have found an Investigational Study for a Hemorrhroid Cream I am considering taking part in however my husband does not like the idea at all.  I don’t see why not.  If he were the one in pain..wouldn’t he be willing to try most anything to take the pain away?  I’ve actually set an appointment for tomorrow to see if I qualify but then decided it best to check with my P/C first to make sure it is okay with him.

My brain seems to be calming down a bit and not running quite so fast lately and I am gaining some weight.  It’s so nice to finally be able to wear some of the shirts I bought before I lost those 20 pounds.  Soon, I’ll be dressing in style in those beautiful Cat Themed clothes I love so much as well as be able to fit back into some of my old comfortable stuff since Winter is approaching.

Not Expected

I did not expect to  continue having stomach and head issues as well as bad side effects from medications while I got older.  I definitely did not expect to keep getting Hemhroids over and over and if you had told me I would be giving myself suppositories twice a day, I would have told you were crazy!  Of course before pills for Migraines, I would not have believed you had you told me I would have given myself injections either as who even likes that from doctors?  Plus, I really didn’t think I would have sunk into some weird depression state with no real reason.  I feel as if I am in this hole and am slowly, slowly digging my way out.

  I am a Christian and I guess somehow I thought that once I was saved God was magically going to make everything easy.  Not so.

  Sometimes, I wish I could be like those people I read about who suffer without complaint but I guess that is not me.  I so want my energy back soon.

  I pray this med I’m on now works.

Depression & Fears

So, for the past month or so I have been depressed and it seems to have been getting progressively worse.  I’m sure it is triggered by various factors.  We’ve had some marriage difficulties,  I’ve started a new formula and a strict diet where I measure everything I eat + the anniversary of my mom’s death is approaching quickly and I don’t know how I feel about that.

 I do know that I am always tired, I have not been interested in anything I used to do, I rarely have energy and my fears have become more prominent lately to where I hate the thought of even leaving the house.  When I do think of leaving the house to go somewhere/meet people/volunteer I have no idea even where to begin.  When I mention my fears being more example is heights.  I have a fear of falling or not being able to get out of somewhere when up high.  Of course, all the 9/11 shows were not exactly re-assuring.  Anyway, we have a trip planned to Vegas and my husband really likes views while I don’t know how high I will be comfortable staying in the hotel.  They tried to put us on the 25th floor last time and I almost had a heart attack so we went down to the 5th after his mother arrived because her room was on the 5th.  I told him I will see if I can go higher then the 5th but lower then the 10th, sort of in slow increments.  Believe it or not, when we were there, the fire alarm did go off accidentally..not a drill.  I was comforted by the fact that our window was only one or two flights above a roof  if we had to evacuate, I would have landed okay.

  I need to realize that God is in charge and should he want me, it will be my time..should it be from an Earthquake, falling from a window, a car accident, etc.  There really isn’t anything I can do to control it and as my therapist says, you need to take risks.    My husband thinks the solution to depression is simply to go somewhere for a few hours every day because as he says he has to work and cannot be here to “entertain me.”  He does not really believe in depression and believes everything has to have an explanation and some simple solution.  He is also a ‘Fixer’ but he would make a terrible Psychologist/Therapist.

  I have contacted my doctor to see if maybe my Anti-Depressant needs to be adjusted.  I have also been trying to leave some of this with God as well as asking for prayer from others.

Just today, I came across a place that needs volunteers which is right down the street from me and something I am interested in.  It is a Food Bank and they have many different opportunities.  I’ve actually mentioned the idea of boxing up canned foods, plus it would be wonderful to be helping others.  I left a msg with the contact person and pray he responds soon and we can set something up.