Slow Progress

Hey, I’ve gained a bit of weight (am actually over 99 now) and was able to wear one of my new shirts for the 1st time yesterday.    Unfortunately, I didn’t get out where anyone could see it but I knew I was wearing it and that’s what matters.

Yesterday was a bad day in a few ways.  It was the one-year Anniversary of the death of my mother.  I have to wonder if that’s when my depression actually started.  I will never forget getting the phone call then literally running into the home even though she was already gone and being alone with her body.  Just the unreality that the day before when she had been walking around at the home and still driving everybody crazy.  The nurses had said she even had Ice-Cream.  It had been expected, yet not.

  I think I feel guilty because my relationship with my mother was rocky and I consider myself more of a Daddy’s Girl yet she fought for me to live while I was in the hospital dying after I was born.  I am torn though because I have no reason to feel guilty.  I actually feel guilty because my mother ruled by guilt.  Anyway,   I was going to get together with a friend to keep busy but something came up so that did not happen.  It was for the best though because I had stomach issues all day.  I did end up cleaning quite a bit of the house though which my mother would have been proud of.  My mother cleaned the house constantly.  We grew up with one room we could not even go in unless we had company.  

I canceled the appointment for the Hemorrhoid Cream Study.  I don’t know why I woke up with 2nd thoughts but something told me not to go.  I did speak to a few friends and one had mentioned the possibility of an allergic reaction but it wasn’t that.  Usually, when I get a strong feeling like this..God is trying to tell me something. 

I may have said this before but despite the side effects, the Zoloft seems to be helping quite a bit.   I am considering going  to Target today to get some boots and a few other things, and for me to consider going anywhere is a BIG step in the right direction.


1 Comment

  1. Wowwwww a year already? It seems I just read of her passing yesterday. Well this last month has felt like eons to me with my cancer stuff so I know times can fly and stand still at the same time. Well the only thing that comes to mind regarding your guilt is dont give your mom’s guilt feeding past “free rent in your head” My mom told me that years ago “no free rent in your head. Yo are a daughter of the King Kristie-beautiful and made in His amazing image. No guilt!

    Um I think youre right not to go for that “experimental hemorrhoid study thing. You dont need your poor anus swelling shut or falling off, or having some welt ridden allergy rash on the its circumference because some cream experiment went arye (spelling? Even spell check cant find it-lol). You might need surgery if they are that big. Isnt there other rx strength cream your dr can give you if the standard ones are not working? Poor thing.

    Well I took my 1st pill yesterday. I am actually nervous over what symptoms are gonna come being thrown into early menopause. Dealing with the tightness and pain of these reconstructed fake boobs is enough! ARG. OK wait this is YOUR BLOG…enough of my stuff huh. Youre like excuse me you infringer! HAA!

    Love You GF!

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