Questions About My Nightmare


3-4 headache pills every day and the last one gives me solid sleep until I wake up with a nightmare. My husband is leaving me. My marriage is over.

So, I’m talking to his Aunt on the phone this morning going over the scenario again and it Hits! I mean.. Really Hits! I frickin want a nervous breakdown! I want to die. I don’t want this. I want to wake up to my old reality as husband and wife. I literally want to scream or throw something or freak out. I wind up calling my sister who calms me down a bit. She actually tells me I need to calm down..I can’t go to the hospital..he won’t go there. Then, she gets into why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

Tonight, we talk, the man and I. The one who is still my husband, for the moment. He got annoyed a bit in the afternoon because I posted on Facebook about the situation and his sister got upset. I think she told him, as did a few others who called and texted him and asked what was going on. I guess he was going to keep it a secret for a while. I don’t know why. If he really wants to leave so bad, what’s the big secret?

We aren’t fighting. We are actually still getting along as usual except for the fact that I cry constantly now. Little things set me off. We watched a show where the family went camping in a motor home reminding me that S. had wanted to rent a motor home and go camping together. Plus, S. actually announced that he just doesn’t love me anymore.

One positive in this mess. My moving out is going to be Expensive! He is paying my rent. Plus, I will need some new furniture. After getting me moved, he may only have enough to rent a room somewhere. Oh well. In that respect, I have no sympathy. I come first financially since his wish of freedom or whatever is being fulfilled.

We will be getting a Lawyer very soon.

In the meantime, I still cannot believe any of this. I still want to wake up. I want to smack him in the head with a brick and have him wake up and love me again like he did when we first married.

I ask myself why I go through this over and over again in relationships and how this could happen with the man who supposedly committed his life to me? I ask myself why when I was born with a rare, metabolic disorder and was not expected to live.. my parents fought so hard for me to live; that I am meant to suffer over and over and over again like this? It would almost be better to have had some major physical and mental handicaps because then you are always like a child and your heart does not get broken so easily.

I would like to also know just how many tears one can cry because I just can’t seem to stop. If I stoop drinking water, do the tears stop, or do you just get dehydrated before you get sick and die?

I thank God for my animals because they have both been there for me during my break-downs and
give me a reason to get up. Right now, the focus is on packing and finding an apartment and I do think that will happen very soon.

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3 Comments

  1. When I read this its like looking in a heartache scrapbook of my past. I have been on this exact road. I walked these steps. You most likely are treading in my footsteps. Sweet GF I know this pain well. Right now it feels hard core, unending, ripping at your sanity-forget the light at the end of a tunnel, time heals all wounds-you do not feel it or any hope of it. I KNOW. But GF please trust me, this WILL be your past one day. Not your present. Until that moment in time, allow yourself to cry and feel and release, taking things one day at a time or 1 hour at a time if its all you can do. Your mantra now is “I am allowing myself to hurt like hell because its justified, but It is important right now that In between the emotion I stay busy taking care of ME.” Its business mode, go time GF. He is no longer the husband you once knew, the friend, comfort or friend you once knew. When he made this decision that he doesn’t love you, that you are too sick and he does not want the responsibility, he changed the game. Pack, organize, work on your move. Get that Atty NOW-and have the judge order him to pay your legal fees later. Its not “we will be seeing an atty soon”, its YOU WILL. You need your own for your own protection and you need your own lease. You’re not operating on WE anymore GF, you’re now in me, myself, and I. He needs to get that and fast. Right now he is is playing nice-we’ll be best friends (that still gets me-what are you gonna go on double dates too? Hes such an stupid selfish ASS), I’ll support you, don’t worry-but its words and talk is cheap and things change and you stand in court looking at this person thinking he just said WHAT? So prepare NOW ok?

    Above all know that God sees every tear. He KNOWS. There is only one set of footprints in the sand right now-He is carrying you in this time. I walking along side and holding your hand. You have a column of friends and support in FB-you are loved and prayed for. I will call you soon. Heading to work.

  2. Me and my son only want to tell you I like your thoughts…

    • Thank You.


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