Questions About My Nightmare

3-4 headache pills every day and the last one gives me solid sleep until I wake up with a nightmare. My husband is leaving me. My marriage is over.

So, I’m talking to his Aunt on the phone this morning going over the scenario again and it Hits! I mean.. Really Hits! I frickin want a nervous breakdown! I want to die. I don’t want this. I want to wake up to my old reality as husband and wife. I literally want to scream or throw something or freak out. I wind up calling my sister who calms me down a bit. She actually tells me I need to calm down..I can’t go to the hospital..he won’t go there. Then, she gets into why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

Tonight, we talk, the man and I. The one who is still my husband, for the moment. He got annoyed a bit in the afternoon because I posted on Facebook about the situation and his sister got upset. I think she told him, as did a few others who called and texted him and asked what was going on. I guess he was going to keep it a secret for a while. I don’t know why. If he really wants to leave so bad, what’s the big secret?

We aren’t fighting. We are actually still getting along as usual except for the fact that I cry constantly now. Little things set me off. We watched a show where the family went camping in a motor home reminding me that S. had wanted to rent a motor home and go camping together. Plus, S. actually announced that he just doesn’t love me anymore.

One positive in this mess. My moving out is going to be Expensive! He is paying my rent. Plus, I will need some new furniture. After getting me moved, he may only have enough to rent a room somewhere. Oh well. In that respect, I have no sympathy. I come first financially since his wish of freedom or whatever is being fulfilled.

We will be getting a Lawyer very soon.

In the meantime, I still cannot believe any of this. I still want to wake up. I want to smack him in the head with a brick and have him wake up and love me again like he did when we first married.

I ask myself why I go through this over and over again in relationships and how this could happen with the man who supposedly committed his life to me? I ask myself why when I was born with a rare, metabolic disorder and was not expected to live.. my parents fought so hard for me to live; that I am meant to suffer over and over and over again like this? It would almost be better to have had some major physical and mental handicaps because then you are always like a child and your heart does not get broken so easily.

I would like to also know just how many tears one can cry because I just can’t seem to stop. If I stoop drinking water, do the tears stop, or do you just get dehydrated before you get sick and die?

I thank God for my animals because they have both been there for me during my break-downs and
give me a reason to get up. Right now, the focus is on packing and finding an apartment and I do think that will happen very soon.

His Family Support

We are looking at apartments. I will be out soon. I need to get out and cry and continue. I already cry.. every day. I am angry and empty and so, very hurt. He is keeping me on his health insurance. He is putting it in writing.

I want his family to be angry and turn against him. But, they still think he is wonderful. He is still so caring and wonderful. This must be really hard for him, blah, blah, blah. HIM! HIM! What about how hard it is for me? The one that has no choice but to accept this asshole decision of ending our marriage because the asshole doesn’t want to be married anymore? How can his family still think he is such a kind, considerate, caring, man?

Marriage Is Forever..Until.

Marriage is forever..until it’s not. It get’s hard. So, he walks away.

In my case, it was the sickness and health that did it. I’m to sick. It’s True! I was born sick. I’ve always been sick. I was sick with a virus or something when he proposed. During the first 3 months we dated I got sick, I had an Appendectomy, and my cat died. But, he said he still loved me and even though I joked and said I might bring him bad luck, he said we would only have good luck after.

Two years later, I was diagnosed with Kidney Failure. I needed a transplant. He was the first one tested. He was my perfect match. Now, I’m on Immunosuppressant’s. Things aren’t better. I’m sick all the time. Every cough, flu, cold.. I get it. IMMUNOSUPPRESSANT’S suppress the immune system. You are very susceptible to getting sick. There ya go.

Time passes. I have stomach issues Guess what? I’m wheat intolerant! I guess I’ll go on a gluten-free diet. That helps quite a bit. That cuts down on a lot of our restaurant choices. I’m a Migraine Sufferer and they are getting worse. The seasons, foods, I don’t know why. The doctors keep changing my meds. The meds make me sleep or sick. I NEED help. My husband took me to the hospital a few times for a week to two at a time for headaches, he also took me for fecal issues (gross, I know.), I had to get back on the formula I was on when I was a child due to my metabolic disorder. They think that might help my stomach issues. It may have a little bit but I still have issues. Probably always will. I’ve had an Anal Fissure. I’ve had it removed via surgery. Now, I am going to have a Hysterectomy soon because I have a Vaginal Prolapse? Sex isn’t because of pain. BUT, I’m seeing doctors. I’m waiting for referrals. I’m trying to get help. So:

It isn’t me, it’s him. He doesn’t want to be married anymore. He doesn’t want to take care of me. He doesn’t want responsibility. He doesn’t like hospitals. He isn’t happy. He is willing to stay friends. He wants out.

We are looking at apartments. I will be moving soon. I am taking the animals. My emotions are a mess. How can it be so easy to just walk away because things get hard? What kind of person does this? Where did my husband go? They need to have Separation Ceremonies and Divorce Ones as well like they do Marriage, so people will take their vows more seriously.

Marriage is forever..until it’s not.

Changes A Head..I’ll Explain Later

Life sucks when nothing is as it seems and you are facing a life change you didn’t want. I try to pretend it isn’t happening but it my mind.. I know it is.

More details later.

He Comes Home Today

My husband is coming home today and as expected, I got nothing done this wknd except laundry and working on my book a bit. It was a Smother’s Day Movie Marathon on Channel 150-Time Warner, so I did watch quite a few movies and I didn’t go anywhere due to not just energy/headache reasons; but also the fact that my transmission is slipping and I would really prefer my husband be local, should anything happen.

My husband forwarded a picture of his Mom and his Aunt so I could see them. It is sad how much weight his Aunt has gained. She used to be big before but… plus, her hair is so short, it is not attractive. I think she lost it big time when her mother died recently.

One thing I learned from the picture, (actually I knew this) if you are a large woman, I don’t recommend wearing splashes of color. At least in this case, it made her look like a Circus Tent.

Anyway, I guess it’s a cleaning frenzy today to see what I get accomplished before my Hero returns.

Watching A Hunger Show While Eating- So Wrong

Yesterday, I was watching a ‘Feed The Children.’ program and I got hungry, so I took a break and made dinner and ate it while watching the rest of the show. This seems like a sin. These shows are showing starving people in other countries but its talking about food, so it made me hungry. Plus, it showed rice. Seriously wrong, I know.

I wonder if I hadn’t been born sickly and if I didn’t have all these health issues..just what I might have been in the long run? I’ve always wondered if I could have been one of those people who worked and lived in one of those countries or in a Mission somewhere serving people in need. I could see myself living with or near the homeless and destitute, and offering food and clothing and hope.

Sometimes, I wonder what my purpose really is.

Today is Mother’s Day, My Mother-In-Law’s Birthday, and our 12th Anniversary!

My mother has been deceased for the last 3 years, and I think I’ve decided to pretty much stay away from the Facebook posts about Mother’s Day and the WordPress ones also. I called my Mother-In-Law and wished her a Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day, and as for my Anniversary; this is the first one a part.

Different Mind-Set & Phone Book Done

I am doing two posts today at least, because this one is on my mind.

I wanted to clarify something about me and my husband. My husband and I have a great relationship. We are not attached at the hip like most couples and I am actually glad he got some time away.

However, it is a different mind-set knowing the reason he is gone. I hope this makes sense. When he is gone on a work trip or out with his buddies somewhere, I don’t feel at a loss a much. This was a vacation that we had both planned to celebrate our Anniversary and his mother’s Birthday. Of course, this is also our yearly trip. I chose a good reason not to go this time. (I woke up with a terrible headache this morning which is increasing.)

It is a bit unnerving to be alone in this house, when he is so far away. It is 1300 sq. feet which seems big. I do get comfort in knowing I have my Watch-Dog and cat with me. I look forward to moving to a Mobile-Home community where I would feel safer in these situations. I don’t know why. Maybe because neighbors houses are closer so you can call for help and also because when I am feeling well; I could walk to the pool and/or clubhouse or whatever. Plus, even though my husband wants more square footage in the next place; the way a Mobile Home is built, it does not feel bigger. They all feel more compact. I think if you take a room away. It just helps with the smaller area feeling.

Anyway, yesterday, I spent the entire day updating our new phone-book. I’d ordered it last year, I think, or maybe the beginning of this one. Both, my husband and I got tired of the old one falling apart and having scraps of paper with numbers falling out. I also watched television all day which probably isn’t good for a headache sufferer but there were some good movies on.

I think I may use this as a log of what I accomplish while he is gone.

*Don’t forget today is the Stamp-Out-Hunger-Food-Drive. If every household left 1 can of food, it would really make a difference in the lives of others.

I Can’t Cook Gluten-Free!

Before I became gluten-free, I used to love to cook, especially bake. I loved Muffins, Biscuits, Dumplings. Now, no matter how much I try or how many cookbooks I own; I just can’t do it. If you’ve been following my blog; you’ve already seen my Gluten-Free Grass Balls. Since then, I have tried to make Gluten-Free Bread Pudding which turned out worse then Brittle. It was inedible.

And here is yesterday’s disaster..um..concoction..uh..experiment:

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These were supposed to be Dumplings, but, they turned into one big blob that was a cross between a dumpling and a pancake. I use Bob’s Red Mill All-Purpose Gluten-Free Flour in hopes of using only one flour. I don’t see baking enough to buy tons of different flours and I don’t like measuring out tons of different ingredients.

So, I may have to give up baking and eat gluten-free baked good already prepared from now on.

My Mother’s Day Vacation

My husband is off to Vegas to spend time with his Mother and Aunt for Mother’s Day and Our Anniversary. It sort of sucks but it would be wrong to put myself through pain in a hotel room and have to deal with continuous lights and noise right now. I will spend Mother’s Day with my beautiful babies:

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I don’t know if I will get the Mary Poppins motivation this time. I seem to always fill with good intentions but can’t seem to follow through.

Perhaps it will be a good wknd to get some writing done on my book, since I am alone with quiet.

My Giving Addiction.

I can hardly believe it’s almost June which means the year is half over and I have hardly started Christmas shopping. According to my calculations (which I just did) I need to buy 4 gifts each month to keep up with my list. Even on disability, this should not be to hard as I don’t pick the most expensive of gifts. So, yesterday, I had fun going through one of my many gift catalogs and finding things for my husbands’ and my family. I actually enjoy picking things that I think they might like.

My gift-giving list has gone down from the past because people pass away, friendships are lost and some relatives tell me not to give to them.

Here’s the thing. If you know someone like me who Loves to give where giving means the world to them,(for whatever reason) it is really an insult for you to tell them not to give to you anymore. Honestly, it feels like a slap in the face; almost as if you don’t want me to care.
It does not matter if you like the gifts received, I do not go to your house and ask what you have done with them or where you have put them or why you aren’t using them, or whatever.

It is simply that you are taking my joy of caring away from me toward one more person; thereby diminishing the joy I get in choosing and giving a gift.

Unlike most, I love giving…especially at holidays. I think it my obsession, compulsion, addiction. It does not cause problems for me financially and I don’t see why it causes problems for the receiver. You are welcome to donate the gift, sell it, give it away, whatever, if it is not something you desire. However, don’t tell me.

I have one friend that gives things that are used. The thing with that is, she will announce before-hand that they were used and she either didn’t want it or didn’t like it, etc. so she gives it to me. I do find that a bit tacky because when it comes to re-gifting; I do not believe you shod announce the fact a head of time. She will also ask later on, what I did with the gift received. This puts me in a tough position because I don’t keep a lot of what she gives me. I do not lie to her, however, I do feel a bit bad when I tell her I donated something she gave me.

I do believe before you give something; you should know something about the persons interests (unless it is a neighbor..in which case, that can be tough) and go on that. You usually cannot go wrong with a favorite animal, favorite color or gift card. Of course, gift cards are iffy because it’s good to know where they shop.

Anyway, this blog post started with Christmas Shopping and somehow diverted. I get hurt sometimes when a homeless person turns me down after I offer a bag filled with clothing, soap, food, etc. If you are really homeless; why wouldn’t you accept that?

I think I’ve concluded I definitely have a Giving Addiction which is not a bad addiction to have.