Continuous Posting

I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

PETEY DID IT!!!

HE DID IT! Petey pee’d on the patio! This is a break through. I used a combination of things people were suggesting including taking him out for the last time around 9:30 and not leaving much water down for the rest of the night. I also left him out for an hour or so at a time a few times during the day while feeling guilty as he would only whine and lay down and look at me. But, this morning at 5, I woke up and put him out for a few knowing he had to go and went in the other room. When I got back, there was a big, fresh puddle on the patio. He did it! I was/am so proud. I immediately canceled the Dog Litter Box purchase. Having had a kidney transplant and being immuno-suppressed, I know it really isn’t good for my immune system to be cleaning litter boxes all the time, and I already deal with Firepie. Petey can do it and that is what matters.

As for yesterdays post, I sincerely hope HE doesn’t hate me now. I really hope HE understands my reasoning. I know HE can be impulsive. I really hope my requests for privacy (minus important communication) doesn’t backfire and make him step away further and quicker.

I also got to thinking, what if I can’t do this? Keep the boundaries, I have set. I’m sure we will be friendly to each other during the garage sale (whenever that may be) but other then that, it is hard to explain how much this rule I have made is killing me. Before we got married, we were friends.

It’s only been 6 days and I still (will I always?) think as his wife. I wonder if he has clean laundry. I wonder if his food supply is starting to run low. In my heart, I want to do his laundry and mine together when I drop off Petey tomorrow. But, I AM NOT DOING THAT! As a matter of fact, I am not even doing my laundry there. Which is another issue because I’m not sure I want to do it here either. They have nice laundry rooms but if I go to a nearby laundry mat, I could just stay there and read a book or watch t.v. until it is all done completely.

Today, I am planning on getting more boxes unpacked and putting my shower curtain rod and curtain up. I may not want to think of this place as home, but I still need to deal. I haven’t washed my hair in over a week, I’m avoiding doing laundry on the property because if I start doing laundry on the property I am admitting that I live here. (refer to above paragraph). I need to call and write some doctors and let them know what is going on soon too, and soon I need to get re-started on some of my medical procedures. Today, I also need to pay bills, buy stamps, and make sure Petey has a can of food to visit his dad this wknd.

I really hope this wknd won’t screw him up on his using the patio and HE remembers not to let Petey use the Dog Door.