Continuous Posting


I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

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15 Comments

  1. Man reading your blog can be an exercise in frustration…doesnt mean Im gonna stop reading and praying but it is what it is frustration. Why? Because Im watching someone I love and value torture the HELL out of herself for someone who Im sorry doesnt give a damn about her or her feelings. He DOESNT GF. He DOES NOT. Yeah he helped you move, yeah he is paying your rent and keeping you on insurance. He knows he HAS to or he cant justify to himself that hes not abandoning you. Hes not really an asshole gee look at what hes done so far. I call BS. Yes S you are an asshole. Yes S you DID abandon her. Yes S you are delusional to think otherwise PERIOD.

    GF you cant be friends-theres too much history, sex, intimacy (yes the two are different), memory, and you cannot go backwards emotionally. Men can seemingly because they are compartmentalized thinkers. We women are not. You should not be texting him for anything. I absolutely agree with people who have told you that and to stop posting nicey nice things here in case he reads? He should not have the privilege to read here or text you or anything else for that matter. You have to separate the heartache of the loss of your marriage and ensuing pain you are working through from the realities of the semantics involved in the now.

    Finally, another method of torture Im watching is you asking question that do not have any answer. Why doesnt he love me? Why did he leave me? Why doesnt his vows mean anything? All these types of questions are ones that will NEVER have a credible answer that you will say ohhh now I get it. There are NO answers and you are inflicting unecessary pain on yourself to ask them repeatedly much less to actually think any kind of response is going to come from S.

    Well off to work and good thin because this might be another mile long. LOL. I love you GF. FEREVER.

    • While I will approve and reply, I ask that you please not post directly to HIM. I did that once, but I prefer to just pretend and act as if he is part of the general population of WordPress. It is the only way I can do this.
      While I appreciate your opinions, we are in disagreement, as you know. It has been exactly one week today. No longer. I may be delusional but my marriage is not over. We are Separated, at present. The finality is not here. This may be the build up to it.
      I know I am supposed to agree with your last paragraph but that is a tough one to swallow and one I will always wonder.
      I greatly value your friendship and opinions even when we are on different pages.
      I hope you are not offended in any way by this comment and I hope we remain Friends Forever.

      • GF I am soooo not offended in the least! REAL FRIENDS no get offended and walk away in a WELL-I -NEVER” huff. And let me say this CLEARLY-I am your friend and I love you FOREVER. Im not S. I am in it for the long haul. You never EVER again have to wonder. Huuuuugggsss!

        I know we dont agree on some of these things-thats ok we dont have to. You have to remember your thinking in this area is subjective GF. Mine in this venue is objective, and built on experience. Its not clouded by any emotion or history and the memories built therein. I PROMISE YOU when you come thru and you are on this side of this divorce, you WILL call me, email me whatever and say ‘holy crap you were so right about so much” Its all about been there, done that x3.

        Finally re addressing to him personally-I can easily respect your wishes. I dont have to address him personally to get my point across. I could care less if hes a part of the “general population of wordpress” or not but if he is he will get regular unapologetic eyefuls from me thats for sure.

        You said ” I may be delusional but my marriage is not over. We are Separated, at present. The finality is not here. This may be the build up to it” GF youre setting yourself up for a hard steep fall if you keep this thinking going. You know me I dont mix words. Yeah youre separated alright-completely, totally separated emotionally and physically. The rest of it is semantics and timing. When one spouse says to another “I dont love you anymore, I havent loved you for x amount of time, Im not in love with you anymore” that is finality in and of itself GF. But, S not only said those things but added in because youre too sick and I dont want to deal with this anymore its too much. Now that you are out of the home not living under the same roof and he has his so called independence and freedom from having to take care of a sick wife” the less and less likely over time is he going to want to give that freedom and independence up. Its a matter of time before the ring is off (if it isnt already) and you are at your front door being served the divorce papers by a legal stranger. If you dont start taking one step at a time now to prepare yourself emotionally, when that stranger-serving-you-divorce-papers day comes you are going to completely fall to pieces. You need to gird your self up and steel your emotional to you can at least face it head on when the time comes.

        I know its been a week, its fresh and the pain is so very real. Man I was just thinking the other day driving to work of being where you are back in the day. CRAP it was insanity. Ive felt all the things youre feeling. I had all the delusions you did. I took the huge hard fall the first time around like you will if you dont make a thinking change, because I held hard and fast to maybe he will miss me, maybe he will want me back, maybe this time apart will be what he needs to realize what he had in me…NO to all of those. Instead I heard through my step son innocently pointing out that he keeps special wine in his special cupboard for his special friend Laura. Despite my delusions of were-only-separated-maybe-he-will-reuniting grandeur, he was screwing our bank teller-Laura. I meant it when I told you I have been there! Im not saying S is screwing your bank teller ok. I am saying I would not be shocked to read a blog down the road saying something equivalent to it.

        OK I have another New York building here…better end …for now. HUGGGSSS Gf.

      • Hmm, I wonder if I should read the Bank Tellers name tag? Wait, it would have to be the Credit Union girl but I never go there. Thanks, at least for making me laugh, a bit…in trying to think of a name..that is; definitely not at the rest of it.

  2. hello stillstrange, I have been thinking about you and wondering how
    things are going today. When i was looking through some older blogs i saw a picture of you in a work out suit, you are quite attractive
    and i think i am right, you are a wonderful person. I want to tell you
    that even if you have health issues and they may at times become
    hard to cope with, no one is suffering more than YOU with them and
    make you no less deserving of honesty and loyalty and respect from
    everyone. No one can tell you how to deal with the things that are
    going on now, only you know what is right for you but right now it is
    very easy to make an error in judgement. Your friend, Celaine is right about several things she has told you but again, as every
    relationship is different, everyone must deal with it in their own way.
    I still remember all too well how i felt when i went through this and
    even knew he was shacked up with his wh——, but still the emotions
    were crazy and I made mistakes in handling it but I did finally get a
    grip and when i did i came up fighting. your friend is very fond of
    you, she seems to love you dearly and knowing you are hurting like
    this is hurting her too and having been there and done that she is
    angry, hurt, disgusted and all that stuff too. I realize not knowing
    either of you personally, you are wondering where i get off at saying
    anything and i guess you are right, but I feel like I “sorta” know you
    both from our previous discussions about “strip clubs” and I think
    you are probably one of the most understanding and compassionate
    wives i have known. please take care and know i am thinking about
    you and praying for you.

    • Thank you so much for the comment. I believe you are right when it comes to Claineygirl and myself as to how this is handled. I totally get why she says the things she does and why she gives the advice she does however; I am only able to take and accept what I can at the moment. You definitely see things correctly in all this. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. Much appreciated.

      • Hey GF….I jusr noticed Donnas avitar-REALLY? ok I am a mean four eyed crab and Donna is a cross between a rabbit, a caramel apple with green worms and a rat. You told me before oh word press assigns these……..could they not choose a butterfly or a princess for us? Im wondering if you really have a hand in this in some twisted way…giving you the suspicions evil four eyed crab look…LMBO!

      • Just so you know, I seriously had nothing to do with picking it out. You should know this as I would Never have picked Pink for the dress. That being said, I think of it more as a Headless Crab? and you must admit, it does have nice legs. Oh, La La!

    • Hi five Donna! Youre right we all handle things different. We are on the same page and we are a sisterhood in shared past pain. Sorry GF (thats my reference for stillstrange)that you are now in this sisterhood…but hey it is what it is. And Donna yes we are best friends of 30+ years. I love her dearly and woe to the fool who hurts her when Im around. S is more fortunate than he realizes that Im not in the same state because hed have sore cajones about now from the kicking Id give him. If you knew GF in real life youd see this amazing strong woman who is funny and creative and intelligent beyond measure. I treasure her!!!

      • good evening celaine , glad to hear from you. Yes, i can tell you
        were/are quite upset by all this and I realize when you really love
        someone and care about them when something like this comes up it is almost like going through it again yourself as a matter of
        fact, it kinda made me remember my time of it. I am so glad that
        stillstrange has you because you can talk to her and tell her things that others can’t without coming across as meddleing or
        noseing into her business. I think she is one of the most understanding and compassionate wives I have ever known, and
        her husband is going to regret this “big time”. From what I have
        read and heard from her she is truly a treasure as a friend and
        wife and person in general. I think you and I kinda see some of
        these things the same way, maybe stillstrange is just nicer than
        we are.ha ha. I wish there was something I could say to her to
        help make her feel better, but I know there really isn’t,I just try
        to encourage her and pray for her and you too, cause I can
        imagine how you must feel being away from her. I don’t blame
        you for feeling as you do for sure, frankly I would like to watch.
        take care and keep me posted.
        gosh, our wordpress characters, I agree with you on that too.

      • Well, Isn’t this just interesting? I think I will rename my blog. My Life Disaster Friendship Connection.
        If I die, you can both attend my funeral. If I die only mentally (which is more the case) You can both uh.. exchange phone numbers or e-mails and chat about it.

        No, I’m not being sarcastic.

        I think it’s just great that I can do a service even in the lowest time of my life.

        I’m actually feeling blank as to my whole life situation at the moment so I am having fun on WordPress with this comment.

  3. Ouch, did i just get smacked, i am sorry if i upset you, surely did not
    mean to. I have a good friend of many many years going through
    something similar and ooooooooooooh, damn, i would like to do just
    what Celaine had in mind. I can understand and remember when i
    felt much as you do now, and it isn’t easy, just to get through a day
    was all i could do but finally, after I began to get myself together I
    came up fighting. I was/am concerned with how all this additional
    stress and depression is affecting your already serious health problems. Please take care, and I hope i didn’t offend you, i would
    never do that for anything. NO, you are not gonna die, you are
    going to get through this and will be stronger for it, i hope you are
    not angry at me, you are a lovely person and don’t deserve this.
    take care and know i am thinking about you with love and concern and so is Celaine.

    • Aaah, There are times I hate commenting since it can be taken wrong. I really was trying my stab at humor. I tried to explain that at the end.
      I really was and am NOT offended in any way. Sincerely.
      I know I won’t die (because God won’t let me and isn’t ready for me yet) but sometimes I would like to, I have to admit.

  4. hello, how are you today? Actually, your comment was kinda funny,
    I was just afraid I had said something to offend you and I would never
    do that. I enjoy Celaine’s comments,she thinks a lot like me, she is
    quite a lady. I understand how you feel, but remember, as bad as
    you feel now, each day is another day forward and your feelings are
    going to change as time goes on. Some things you may eventually
    get over and there may be some things that will never go away, those
    things are the issues that hurt so deeply. I think it is good for you to
    talk about whatever you are feeling/thinking and don’t worry about
    hurting feelings or offending me cause it you won’t. No one can tell
    you what to do or how to feel or how to deal with these problems, because everyone is different and feels differently for many reasons
    but I will support you in whatever choices or decisions you make as
    i know you have to do what is right for YOU, and I am sure Celaine
    feels the same way. I wish there was some magic words or something I could do to make you feel better, but just know I am
    concerned and I care and pray for you every day. Whatever you want to say, just “let er rip”, sometimes it helps . I hurt for you
    and with you and I don’t think anyone who has not experienced a
    problem of this kind can really understand what it can do to a person
    and that is why I am so grateful you have a good spunky friend like
    Celaine and please know, I am here for you too. take care and let
    me hear from you.
    i

  5. I’m glad we all met like this…were the live version of that movie First Wives Club but we will just be the X Wives Club…yes Kristy you are a new charter member just awaiting the official paperwork sorry to say. We will be realistic for youuntil you can be which is normal…


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