Still Sick and Thinking Realistically


Still sick which doesn’t surprise me. I could not do it and still talked on the phone.
I only have to take the dog stuff over today and that’s it since I have just re-scheduled my Psych appointment to next week. It’s a bad idea to see the Psych today when my body and head are already foggy, plus, I need to talk during those appointments.

HE won’t be there to drop off the dog stuff since HE is working.

I was thinking last night and yes, you (all of you) are correct. 2% is a number HE picked out of the air to give me for any hope of getting back together in the future because I need/needed one. He knows it would break my heart if he said Never. I’m not quite sure how far this goes back that he has been Serious about leaving me. I really believed some or most of his comments were in jest.

I keep saying I want to hold onto something. But, as you have pointed out, why hold onto someone who doesn’t love you? Because this is the man who once DID love me. This is the man who walked down the aisle with me swearing before God and the world that he would love me, “In Sickness and in Health Until Death Do Us Part!” This is the man that loved me enough to give me his kidney so I could live. Yet, somehow, there was a turn in his mind.

Maybe it’s because I am a woman but I plead, beg and search for a legitimate answer. Anything to tell me just what and when our lives went so very wrong. Seriously, I need to accept the reason that I was sick to much? That makes him sound very selfish and carries on the trend of almost all my previous relationships. Was he thinking of this before or after he wanted separate bedrooms because he said my nightmares and side effects from meds kept him awake?
I would be happier if I found a picture or any other evidence of him having had an affair because I would get an answer. I could connect the being sick to much and lack of sex to the affair and it would make sense.

What kills me is..there is no closure. Not in the divorce, separation sort of sense. I still need to get myself ready for that. In the whole reasoning sense. This is worse then every other break-up I’ve had because there have been reasons for those. Some of which were stupid.

He is very determined and stubborn. Usually when he sets his mind to something, he does it. If he has really set his mind that this is final, there is to be no 2 or any %. No matter how much I cry, beg or pray. I know I need to wrap my mind around that.

What you all need to understand is I can’t go one minute hearing I definitely want to separate, two weeks later in an apartment and BOOM! be Divorced! It is to much in one swoop. This is why I am taking time to digest all this and slowly face reality and all facts. Facts. Not reasons; because I can’t find anything legitimate. I am starting to understand (on my own) there is no hope for a future with him. The acceptance part has not exactly set in but it is coming; the preparedness in my head is starting. It is not HIM calling the shots, it is me.

I will always love him in my heart but I will never understand and to have no closure; No real reason, Other then to say “You are sick to much”, or “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m not in love with you” or “I don’t like responsibility” just doesn’t cut it. I would rather have something more specific.

I am/was not a clingy wife. I did not put boundaries on my husband. I did not set rules. I’ll always remember when he we had this conversation:

S: “After we get married, Am I still going to be able to play Basketball?”

Me: “What do mean? Are you going to break your arm?”

S. “Well, some guys are saying when you get married the girls change and don’t let you do anything anymore.”

Me.: “When you get married, you add to each others lives; not subtract from them. Of course you can still play Basketball and I will still Karaoke.”

So, HE played Basketball and Volleyball and Softball, I Karaoke and Write. We did things together. We went to movies, car rides, things that pertain to animals..like the zoo, gambling trips, etc. probably not as much as he would have liked due to my being sick. But, we did things.

Since I had health issues that affected our sexual life: I didn’t mind if he looked at porn on the computer. I gave him time and stayed in the other room; if he and a buddy wanted to go to a strip club once in a while it was fine. Although, I did notice it become a bit more current within the last few months.

I gave the man everything he wanted and in return he leaves after 12 years of marriage. Without giving me the one thing I really need. A legitimate, true, reason.

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. good evening dear friend, last night I went back and reread most of
    your posts, and there seems to be something missing in all this. You
    know I am a hard liner on the subject of adult entertainment but that
    aside I am wondering, you mentioned his visits to the strip clubs have
    become more frequent which makes me wonder if he hasn’t fallen
    for the hype of the strippers. When a man isn’t getting/ or feels he
    isn’t getting the sexual attention he wants/needs at home his is a prime target for their line. They will make a man feel like he is the most sexually attractive, interesting, hunk in the world and they are
    really into him and want to connect with him. Does he go to one
    particular club or bar, regular customers usually get discounted prices and more often than not, extra services especially in the VIP
    rooms and that could be hand jobs, or blow jobs or even more just
    to keep him coming back. they will stroke his ego and other things
    until he really believes they want him and all that but the poor fool
    don’t stop to realize he is paying them for that attention, it isn’t
    real it is a fantasy. They don’t stop to think that walking std had
    been crawling all over a half a dozen before him and doing the same
    thing to them as well, the strippers see him a walking ATM. I am not
    saying that this is the case with your husband, but from what you
    said it might be worth considering, i don’t know. I will tell you this for
    sure, if this does have anything with his “change of feelings” he is
    going to fall and it will be a hard landing. By the time he realizes he
    is nothing more that a meal ticket with maybe free room and board
    it is too late, he has lost his wife, home and everything that was
    meaningful and real in his life. These women know just what line
    a person will fall for and how to “work” them after ten minutes and
    they do. This may have nothing at all to do with anything, only you
    can figure that one out. Another thing, I understand you probably
    want to believe he will come to his senses and everything will work
    out and be like it used to be, but I believe you know that will never
    happen. Even if you and he did decide to reconcile, it will never be
    the same because the stability and security and trust has been
    badly damaged if not completely destroyed and then every day you
    will wonder if this is the day he decides he isn’t happy anymore and
    wants out. Then you have to go through all of this again and I think
    that is what your friend Celaine is so afraid of because quite often
    the second time is much worse. On the other hand, it could be that
    you would be the one that begins to see him differently and you will
    begin to feel differently and decide it just isn’t worth the stress.

    You are exactly right, you have to go at your own pace in all this,
    no one but you and him know all the details and you have to make
    your own choices because you are the one that has to live with them
    No matter what choices you make I will support you and wish you the
    best, I may not agree with your decisions, but then it isn’t my life and
    I can’t tell you what to think, or how to feel or what choices to make.
    you are an intelligent woman and a very special lady, don’t ever
    forget that and you do/did not deserve any of this. I just can’t help
    but feel, after rereading your posts, that there is something more
    behind all this. I kinda got the impression that he is acting on
    impulse and and I feel like that is why there is that yo-yo (dangleing
    carrot) thing going on, don’t know, maybe I am wrong about that too.

    feel free to tell me to “blow off” or whatever, you won’t hurt my
    feelings or offend me, I actually have a gut feeling that I haven’t said anything you haven’t already considered.

    take care and let me hear from you.
    your friend always donna

  2. “Because this is the man who once DID love me. This is the man who walked down the aisle with me swearing before God and the world that he would love me, “In Sickness and in Health Until Death Do Us Part!” This is the man that loved me enough to give me his kidney so I could live” NO THIS ISNT THE SAME MAN-NOT THE MAN HE WAS. HE HAS NOT BEEN TAT MAN IN SOME TIME NOW AND HE KNOWS HE HAS NOT BEEN HONEST WITH YOU OUT OF GUILT, OUT OF MAYBE FEELING TRAPPED IN KNOWING YOUD BE HURT IF YOU DID KNOW.
    “I plead, beg and search for a legitimate answer. Anything to tell me just what and when our lives went so very wrong. Seriously, I need to accept the reason that I was sick to much? That makes him sound very selfish” THERE IS NO LEGITIMATE FACT OR ANSWER GF. NONE. AND YES YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THE TOO SICK REASON HE GAVE YOU-ITS THE ONLY TRUTHFUL THING HE SAID TO YOU. YES HE IS VERY SELFISH, THERE IS NO WAY AROUND THAT. HE IS THINKING OF HIMSELF ONLY. YOU ARE NOT IN HIS LIFE EQUATION OR HE WOULD HAVE WANTED TO FIND ANY WAY TO MAKE IT WORK NOT WANT OUT.
    “I gave the man everything he wanted and in return he leaves after 12 years of marriage.”GF, YOU GAVE HIM EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT HE WANTED. PORN AND STRIP CLUB IS CLEARLY NO SUBSTITUTE FOR YOUR WIFE AND DOES NOT MAKE THE LACK OF SEX IN YOUR MARRIAGE BETTER OR EASIER TO GO WITHOUT. IT ONLY SERVES TO REMIND HIM OF WHAT HE DOESN’T HAVE AT HOME AND IM NOT SURPRISED THAT HE STARTED GOING MORE OFTEN. THE ABILITY TO PLAY BASKETBALL IS HARDLY A DEAL BREAKER IN ANY MARRIAGE AND ITS SAD THAT HE WOULD EVEN MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY. GF IF YOU READ YOUR OWN BLOGS AND FB POST OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS IT IS DAY IN AND DAY OUT IF SICKNESS, OLD, NEW, OR IN RESPONSE TO THE NEXT/LATEST TREATMENT FOR ONE OF MANY THINGS YOU DEALT WITH. HE HAS OBVIOUSLY NOT BEEN HAPPY FOR A LONG TIME AND HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HONEST WAAAAY BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF WHEN THESE THINGS CREPT UP IN HIS MIND. WHO KNOWS MAYBE HE THOUGHT OK MAYBE MY KIDNEY WILL FIX EVERYTHING AND WE CAN BE NORMAL. WHEN THAT DIDNT WORK AND THERE CONTINUED TO BE DEBILITATING CHRONIC ONGOING HEALTH ISSUES WITH YOU MAYBE HE BEGAN TO FEEL HOPELESS BUT TRAPPED BECAUSE YOU DONT SUMP A SICK WIFE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN ASS. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEN AND NOW GF IS NOW HES AT A PLACE WHERE HIS MISERY OUTWEIGHS WHAT EVERYONE WILL THINK OF HIM AND AS LONG AS HE PAYS FOR THE APT AND HEALTH INSURANCE AND MAKES IT LOOK LIKE WHAT A NICE GUY (YEAH BS WHATEVER) HE CAN END THINGS, ESCAPE, WHATEVER HIS MENTALITY AND BE MR FREE MAN. SO IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT HE IS GIVING YOU ALL THE TRUE REASONS THERE ARE. I THINK THAT HONESTLY GOING TO VEGAS ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY ALONE, BECAUSE OF SICKNESS YET AGAIN AND REALIZING THAT WHOLE WEEKEND HE DIDNT HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WAS ALL THE TASTE OF FREEDOM HE NEEDED TO FINALLY HAVE THE COURAGE TO COME HOME AND “HAVE THE TALK”. HE TOOK THE COWARDS WAY OUT AND YOU ARE THE ONE HURTING FOR IT.

    WELL, ITS UP TO YOU WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT ALL AND MOVE FORWARD. DO YOU THINK HES SITTING THERE HURTING AND ACHING AND IS EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT OVER WHAT WENT SO WRONG IN YOUR MARRIAGE?…NO HE ISNT GF. HES COMING HOME-YOUR HOME-EVERY NIGHT TO HIS DOG ADORINGLY JUMPING ON HIM AND HAVING A NICE QUIET SUPPER AND DRINK IN HIS SICK WIFE FREE HOME-AGAIN YOUR HOME. SEE WHILE YOURE ADJUSTING I AM PISSED OFF FOR YOU. YOU DESERVE BETTER. AS FAR AS IM CONCERNED TREAT HIS DECISION LIKE A DOG TAKING A CRAP-SRATCH SOME GRASS OVER IT AND MOVE ON.

    YOU ARE ALL I CARE ABOUT AND LOVE ENDLESSLY GF.


Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s