Continuous Posting

I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

Dog Communication

UGH! I had to speak to HIM directly because I was texted with advice per my post. HE is refusing to comment via WordPress because he does not know how and does not want to figure it out. But, HE knows how to solve everything. I know He only wants to help but.. HE forgets that before we got Petey; the people who had him before used to leave him outside all the time and just let him look in. Poor Petey probably thinks I am doing the same thing if I do it that way. However, I did try leaving Petey outside for an entire hour. Petey whined so much I felt guilty and thought someone would call animal control. When I suggested to HIM the idea of trying it in the side yard of the house while he has Petey this wknd if he thinks that’s a way of training Petey to use the cement; HE said, that won’t work, it will only work at my new place. It is cement only on the side of the house where the trash cans are. Therefor, it is another way of saying, he does not want responsibility for my problem. HE says the Dog Potty will only confuse Petey. But, unless HE is a dog, I don’t see how he can prove that one. Oh, wait, according to the Chinese Zodiac, HE is, because that coincides with his birth year.

Anyway, I informed HIM on the phone to be prepared of the future possibility of getting his dog back if I cannot train him.

I must say I am a bit angry and hurt that my feelings are not being respected when it comes to my blog. I nicely gave HIM the website so he can keep up. It really isn’t hard to create a user name. Hell, you can come up with any fictitious name you want and leave a comment under that name. Millions of people do it every day and he works with people that know how to read and write on blogs. I hate playing the angry, cold hearted Bitch but, I am angry and I am hurt and the more I talk and text to him, the more angry and hurt I feel. How many times do I need to have the wounds open? They will Never heal this way!

I believe HE misses me. I believe he cares for me. It’s only been 5? days. I know he cares for the dog. But, if he is ever going to really re-evaluate his love for me and if I am to sort myself out, we need to stop communication for a bit. NO texting, phone calls, etc. We need to have the Garage Sale soon. I do not suggest selling the house soon, as I think it best to wait on the dog issue now to get resolved, but my heart gets knotted up every time I hear his voice or read his text. So Yes, this is communication straight to HIM

PLEASE HAVE SOMEONE TEACH YOU WORDPRESS AND SIGN UP ANONYMOUSLY SO YOU CAN COMMENT! If that’s to much responsibility or to much of a hassle, have a friend who is on WordPress comment for you. Or, open a WordPress Account. But, please have respect and stop texting me. I LOVE YOU and I don’t want to read your texts.

I saw the Psychologist today. I want to see him at least once a week. I have homework to do this time. I have to write HIM a letter with my feelings but not give it to HIM. I always hate that because I always want to give it to the person. The Psych said to write it and we can talk later about whether or not to give it to him. Actually, it may not matter, I cover a lot of how I feel in WordPress. I don’t see the letter being much different other then really condensed.

*I want to add that I really want to throw up re-reading this post and my request to my husband. I just know in my heart it’s what we both Need. What I really want does not matter at the moment. He is not in love with me right now.

Even The Dog Is Confused

Yesterday when I texted HIM (I think that is how I will refer to him now for a bit) I mentioned that if he wanted to keep up on how I was, he was welcome to follow this blog. After all, in my mind, we are still husband and wife..just separated, and in this way; he will know what is going on. But, he will not be responsible for any of it. Actually, that’s not true. He is responsible for most all of it. He is the reason I and the animals are here.

Anyway, he read yesterdays blog entry and texted me. I know he read it because he used one of the same terms I did. he was not supposed to comment that way, he was supposed to comment anonymously here on this site. Or, if HE wishes to be himself and admit HE is my husband, he can be prepared for the fall-out of anyone who may comment to HIM. If I text back, we get into a conversation and I become his friend..which is what he wants. I cannot do that. If I let myself become a “friend.” I will never be able to become his wife again. (That may not happen anyway.) After all, I’m not supposed to hold onto that 2% chance right now. I will reiterate that it is to painful to communicate and be a friend. I said I will communicate about the house, or the dog, or the garage sale. But, not chit-chat. Keep it business. He Cannot, Did Not and Will Not change his mind in 3 days. This came close once before and he changed his mind in one day..but I guess really didn’t. Or, I wouldn’t be here.

Okay, So last night I’m taking Petey for a walk at 10:30. He refuses to go potty in the back yard. This is ridiculous. So today, I go to Home Depot where I buy a Shower Rod. I find one but I don’t see directions on how it extends. Last time, I bought the wrong size. I realize the last one I got was actually a Towel Rod. I almost lose it but I tell myself; NO, you are not going to lose it in the middle of Home Depot. I also bought a plug strip. The guy at the store called it a Strip. (In his text, HE said he had the strip, but I was not going to make the extra trip over there to get it). One of the main reasons I went to Home Depot is because someone suggested getting one of those boxes where you put them together and put them on the patio with grass so I won’t have to take Petey out so late. I go to Home Depot near me and purchase one. The Home Depot I go to does not have the sod or grass though so I call the one near my old house that does and I go their after, BUT: the girl there tells me it will stain the patio. IT WON”T WORK! At least I didn’t waste the $50.00. At least, I’m at a Home Depot, so I can return it and get my money back. I thought about potty pads for pets but I can’t leave them outside or they will blow away. Petey is 14 years old and doesn’t really like change.

Petey

Petey

Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?

I have an appointment with a new Psychologist tomorrow who is only 5 minutes away.

My Blog and Emotions

My last post brought an extreme reaction from a friend and at first I took it to mean I lost said friend. However, after talking to my sister, she made me realize I am to emotional to receive comments from people at present. Makes sense. Anything I read/hear is just not being taken the way it is being sent. It’s not necessarily that it is not what I do or don’t want to hear; maybe it is that I just cannot hear it NOW. At least I just talked to said friend on the phone to make sure all was clear with us. I also decided not to update regarding the marriage issue on Facebook anymore for the same reason. However:

My blog is what it is: My space to blog my feelings..so this will continue:

Since I don’t know most of you and those I do know have different names (most of you), this will still be a emotional, venting, crying, place. I hope that is okay.

And The Nomination Doesn’t Go To… (My Feelings)

On my last MRI, they’d found white spots and weren’t sure what they were.  Lately, I’ve been reading about white patches in the brains of people who suffer from Migraines.  There ya go.

I contacted my Neurologist yesterday who adjusted my meds.  However, last night before adjusting them; I had horrible, sharp, stabbing pain (almost like an earache) from the left side; which literally made me cry every time it hit.  I thought I would need to go see my Primary today, but surprisingly, I feel better.  I tried the Neurologist’s medication adjustment before bed.  It seems like I get 3 days of pain to 2 days of no pain a week.

Sorry, if these last two entries haven’t kept  your interest.  Sometimes, I don’t write them for humor purposes.  I actually started this blog to keep up with family and friends re: my health and life so I don’t have to keep repeating myself when people ask:  How are you?  I just send them here.

I actually like to throw in a few curve balls and keep it interesting and fun as well.  Like everyone, I LOVE to get Followers.  As a matter of fact, there is something I have to admit/confess.  “It’s been forever since my last Wordpress confession.” HA.  (If you were ever a Catholic, you’ll get that one.)

Anyway,

I’ve been on WordPress for over a year now and I admit/confess that sometimes I get jealous/annoyed/angry when everybody I read and follow keep getting all nominated for these awards and I’ve yet to get nominated for one.  I’m not saying you don’t all deserve it because I’m sure you do.  Heck, I follow you so that is saying something. Right?

I am not asking your advice on how to get nominated for an award.  Nor, do I want your sympathy or to be condemned for my feelings.   I just wanted to admit them.

By the way, it isn’t so much when someone gets nominated.  It’s when they keep getting nominated.  It seems like once someone gets nominated for one award, it becomes a cycle.  Some people I follow post things like, “I haven’t gotten around to responding and thanking everyone for the numerous award nominations I’ve received so I will now and here are my nominations:”

What?  I feel like if I received an award, I would be so honored/excited/happy. I would fall off my chair!  I think the only reason I would not respond in the next post would be because I broke something after falling out of the chair.

Then, when reading the ones I follow and the numerous award nominations they receive.. some/most of which are following me back by the way. I look anxiously to see if my blog was worthy of their nomination for the award.   But alas, despite the fact, they follow me and they’ve received 12, 14, 112, whatever awards. Once again..mine is not in there.

It may seem silly of me to dream of a WordPress Award Nomination, but I guess it is sort of like in High School.  I still feel as if I am trying to fit in and one day, I really will be accepted.

And, don’t you dare nominate me because of a this post.  That would be wrong on so many levels.

I am curious though,

How do you feel about the Wordpress Award System and do you ever feel the same way I do?     

Financial & Paying For Blog?.Your Advice

I won something from e-Bay the other day. (Oh, the excitement!) It was actually the 80’s work-out outfit I told you about in my post about 80’s fashion.  Anyway, so I just had to pay as they so nicely remind me.  I click the little Pay-Pal button since that’s the only, safe way to pay.  They keep telling you that too..those silly “they”..Pay Pal People..although it may not be.  I mean, Pay-Pal People are real and how do we know all those people are real honest.  Do they all have background checks or something?  Anyone who works in the financial industry should get a background check first, in my opinion.  But, I digress.  Anyway, so I hit the button but instead of confirmation.. I get some message saying my Pay-Pal Account needs to be verified or needs to be linked to my bank account or some such nonsense because it won’t take my payment.  WHAT?  No, I am not giving you Pay-Pal people my social security number and I do not want to link you to my checking account.  I use a separate credit card for pay-pal and I pay it on time.  What is going on with e-Bay?  So, I call up Customer Service.  Luckily, it’s only like a minute wait.

Imagine when the Customer service guy, we will call him Jon, since he said that was his name, tells me this:  “You have been with us 6 years.  We have a limit you can spend and in your case it was $8,771.77.  It has nothing to do with paying your credit-card bill.  That is completely different.  You need to get verified by linking your account to your checking account or get a free, Pay-Pal Credit Card.”  He did let me pay for the work-out outfit, while I decided what to do.

First I did the math (before I or my husband had a heart attack) 6 years at $8,771,77 total = $1,461.96 year =$121.83 month  which really isn’t to bad.  Then, I had to really think about it.   I do get some really good deals on e-Bay and it mainly takes Pay-Pal.  So, I opted for the Pay-Pal Credit Card but I only used my Disability Income as income so my limit is low.  Of course, this will be my monthly limit.  I still spend less than the total limit amount a month anyway, according to my calculations, so I should be okay and like my husband said if we want to buy anything higher; we could use his Pay-Pal account.

But, here’s the ting.  I feel after 6 years; I am being penalized for being a good Pay-Pal Customer!  We should be rewarded, not forced to be linking our accounts and giving information we don’t want to give.  Just like a credit card, we should have our limits raiseed; not have lifetime limits forced upon us without our knowledge.

So: now I have a question on the same yet different topic:  Let’s talk about WordPress and free blog sites.  I love my blog.  It is another addiction.  I am on the free level.  What happens when I run out of room?  I’ve  considered paying the $18.00 a year but I want to hear from others that do it?  What exactly changes?  Is it true, my blog will definitely stay here as mine?  I don’t want to spend the money and be cut off for some reason.  I really want to hear from people that are using the pay option before making a decision.  

I appreciate any look forward to any and all responses (minus weird spam ones that have nothing to do with anything) and I thank you for reading my blogs.

Blog Keeps Rolling and Rolling and Rolling

Some of you Readers and Faithful Follower (or even unfaithful ones..but that’s a whole nother topic) may have noticed I’ve changed my Blogroll at the side of my blog.  I mean, the list is still there but you may notice a few different blog titles then you’re used to.  “Why”  You ask?, I’m so glad you asked.  You see, I do not just Like blogs.  That is not possible for me.  I can Like a comment but I would almost rather comment back to a comment verses Liking a comment..unless it is a joke..in which case..it’s perfectly okay to like the comment; or unless you are commenting to someone elses comment.  That could also turn into a joke.  But..I digress.  Where was I?  Like?  Post?  Blog?  Oh yeah,  I cannot simply Like a blog.  I want to know more about you and why I’ve gotten so attracted, drawn, led over, pushed, subliminally swept toward.. arrived at your blog in the first place.  Liking it isn’t going to get me there, so I will more than likely become a Follower.  Here’s the thing;  With that philosophy; I am and will be following way to many blogs to put them all on my Blog Roll ..or even a Sesame Seed Bun..So, I just add blogs to my Reader and periodically update my BlogRoll with new blogs. 

For those of you no longer on my Blogroll, don’t despair.  Your blog did not go in the Blog Dumpster.  It has not gone to Blog Infinity and beyond.  It is actually in my Reader.  And, I’m most sure it will rise up again onto that Blogroll when you least expect it.  And you’ll go, “Wow, she loves me again?  I’ve impressed her.”  or maybe you’ll say, “Whatever, you stupid ______ (insert word there), it’s about time you add me back.”  In which case, I’m glad I can’t hear you in real life because that could cause for a Blogroll Ban. 

I’ve decided to switch the Blogroll up a bit.  Maybe make a Blog Sandwich of sorts…or a BlogStew.  Blog Hummus?  Hmm.    Anyway, so periodically (no I did not say when I had a period.  Don’t be disgusting plus, if you’ve been following; you know that would mean never. ) I said periodically which means once in a while.  I will switch up my BlogRoll and keep things interesting. 

There are a few reasons for this strategy.  One.. I get to read,meet,experience new blogs and the lives of others and 

                                                                              Two.. Should I ever get nominated for some award and need to pass the award nomination or whatever on to someone else. (Sometimes they want you to make a list of blogs that should get the award.) I will have lots of options.  

School Shooting ..My View

Okay, so I haven’t discussed the Connecticut School Shooting because my view is not going to be popular.  But, you know what?  I don’t care.  This blog is my honest opinion.  It is not meant for popularity purposes and other people have to feel this way too and probably don’t want to admit it.  Please remember, it’s an Opinion, Not a Debate.  You can have a different opinion if you so choose.  Here I go:

The children!  The  children!  The poor children!  Yes, he shot the children and I do feel bad about that.  Children are innocent and don’t deserve to die that way.  However, what about the adults that were shot and killed?  The teachers or/and other school administrators?  Do their lives count too?

One Pastor said there were 20 more stars up in heaven now.  Wait, 20?  He is not counting the adults that were killed, he was only counting the children.  So, the adults did not become stars.  One commenter when hearing that said they believed the adults would have stars or patches of light around those stars protecting those 20.  You know those adults have families too.  They were Mothers, Friends, Wives, Sisters, Cousins, etc.  I don’t know if any men died but if so, they may have been Fathers, Uncles, Cousins, Friends, etc. and they were all Co-Workers and School-Administrators or Teachers in some capacity.

And what about the shooters mother?  Did she deserve to be shot in the face by her own son?  From what I’ve heard, she made the wrong choices but she cared.  Obviously, teaching him how to use firearms was not the way to go.  But, she was a Mother, a Friend, an Ex-Wife, and a very, caring person.

In conclusion, although they died and once again, I am very sorry for that.  Why is it all and entirely about the children?  They were not the only ones affected?

 

Pre-Surgery Day

It is 11:45 p.m. and I am thinking of eating more, not because I am hungry but because I cannot eat or drink anymore after midnight until my surgery is over.  My surgery is tomorrow at 11 a.m.    I am allowed the occasional sip of water should my mouth get extra dry tonight but that is it.  I admit I am starting to psych out a bit and imagine I am getting headaches.  I get headaches all the time under stress but I’ve already taken the two Tylenol allowed and it really is not much worse, plus, the Head-On is fine so I can use that.  I need to stop this psyching out stuff as it won’t help anything.  I gave it up to God.  How can I give it up to God if I am going to let Satan psych me out?    That is very contradictory.  I am going to get through this and I am going to be fine.  This is what I have been wanting for a long time.  To get rid of this horrible fissure I have had for over a year.  Two, maybe.  To have a life without pain when I walk or sit or take a shower or whatever and to have a normal life with my husband.  I won’t go into detail but some of you can guess. (For those of you that know us, don’t you dare tell him I said anything.)

In other news, I finished my novel today.  50,078 words.  It was actually 50,150 when I finished but I did some editing and corrected the wording a half hour or so later.  I am so excited that I met that goal.  I did something and didn’t quit.  My story proved interesting and disturbing.  I don’ know if I will get it published.  I really don’t know just what I would put it under.  It is kind of adult fiction and it deals with a girl who is searching for her father and discovers he is the leader of a Cult.  It goes into some horrible experiences of the members of the cult and some interesting things she learns about her life there.  Plus, how she finally escapes and what happens to him and the other cult members at the end.  There is quite a bit of graphic detail and drama so it would definitely not be children’s fiction.  Does adult fiction have an actual title?

Anyway, I had told a friend (actually, I may have simply posted it) that I would change the theme of my blog after I finished writing my novel on Nano.  I had the last theme because I wanted the Word count pop-up on the blog.  I finished the novel today so I changed the theme.  I hope you all like this one.

I’ll be back as soon as I can.  No guarantee’s on tomorrow.  I hear the pain is pretty bad and the antibiotics are pretty strong.  I’ll also be on Vicodin which will hopefully help me sleep.

Nanowrimo Still Going

Wow, this Nanowrimo thing is really coming along.  I am really proud of myself.  Sorry, I hope I don’t sound like I’m boasting but even my husband is proud of me.  I tend to start things and not stick with them but I just love watching the word count go up and watching the stats and the days go down to the finish line.

I decided to keep encouraging myself I bought myself a Nanowrimo t-shirt from their store.  I hope it doesn’t take to long to get it.  Plus, now I have the word-tracker up on both the web sites I blog on; so that really helps me to continue.

I try to encourage those I call Nano Friends as well.  I’ve read a lot of books that don’t make sense.  Who cares if yours does nor doesn’t at present?

We are all in this together so please don’t give up or the load will get much heavier.