Soap Opera Continues… Our House

My soap opera gets weirder and weirder every day. Also, more depressing. Good Gravy, it’s been a month, can’t we just stabilize yet?

HE texted me yesterday (texting is the main way we communicate now),he called a Realtor and the house will be on the market in a few weeks. Wait a minute! Didn’t I just pick up the dog on Saturday? When I was there, HE told me he was going to sell the house in a few Months..not Weeks. That means, as I drove away unable to look at the man who I thought was going in the house to do his once a week cry (refer to my last post); that same man was probably running to the phone or the computer to find or call the first realtor he could find to say, “I am ready to sell the house.” I wonder who else HE called. I wonder if there is anyone else HE had to report to to say; “Okay, the dog is gone, I am selling the house now.” I knew the house was going to be sold eventually, but why the rush?

Plus, have you ever considered the fact of not being part of the process of the sale of your house? It’s a weird feeling. I have no idea how much the house is being sold for or anything about the people who will be buying it. It’s funny. HE actually sold his mothers mobile home on his own and did a great job at it but he hated every minute of it. Responsibility, you know. So, he refused to sell my mother’s mobile home when it came time, and we had to hire a realtor. I’m sure that’s why he hired a realtor to sell our house even if we could probably save money by selling it on our own. We’ve watched a lot of home shows and I’ve imagined walking people though our house and seeing what they like and don’t like about it and maybe even meeting the perfect family and feeling great about the next people who will live there.

I can mainly think of good memories while in that house, and I hope whomever moves in makes many of those too.

Happy & Sad

We were supposed to have a garage sale this wknd. The final garage sale in the house of memories. But, how can we do that? Just the thought of looking into those eyes again, wanting to hug HIM while remembering the time he was in love with me or did love me.. How could I possibly have thought a garage sale would work? As it is, every time I got to the house; I remember. And then there is the dog. I don’t regret my decision of returning the dog to him for health reasons..I’m actually starting to sleep a bit better without the dog. But, I really miss the dog. I spent so much time cuddling and playing with my Petey-Pie dog. It’s hard to visit and leave; even knowing he is being taken care of by his daddy. So, I’ve canceled the garage sale. Just the thought of it was causing my stomach to start up. I called HIM today and explained that it was to much stress. I will go to the house tomorrow and get my Coca-Cola stuff back to sell another way. Maybe via e-bay or someone else will have a garage sale, I can join.

We also talked about the dog and a few other things. HE admitted to me that he has been unhappy for probably the last 10 years. Why would someone stay unhappy in a marriage for 10 years? I didn’t get a chance to ask that. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I see that 2% chance slipping further and further away.

After I hung up the phone, I cried.

It’s like I said in my last post. I guess one person has to be unhappy for the other to be happy. I don’t know if HE is happy now. I know he is free. I don’t know what will change in 9 months time to make HIM want to come back to me. It sounds like HE is happy being free, while I am miserable. Back to square one with only my cat. He mentioned again that HE would like to be friends again in a few months. Does he mean after I get over the hurt and pain of the separation? What will change then? Last I checked, we will still be separated.

I’m actually glad I canceled the garage sale. After that one phone call ruining my day, I cannot imagine what a mess I would be after 5 full hours with the man.

If you love someone set them free
If they come back to you, they’re yours
If they don’t, they were never meant to be.

Yeah, I changed it a bit.

Sloow Changes & Constant Wondering

Yesterday I didn’t post. I was tired of talking about it. Writing about it. Thinking about it. But, I DID think about it. I will always think about it..This whole life change and how I got back where I started through no fault of my own. A woman doesn’t dream of starting single, getting married for a short time, and then becoming single again for some unknown reason. It’s just unrealistic.

My days start to early. Even without the dog, I don’t sleep as long as I would like I’m hoping that will change eventually. I start my day with unpacking at least one box. Eventually, I will get this place completely done.

I did the laundry yesterday and mumbled to myself about how much I hated apartment living. It took like half hour to figure it out. You have to buy a card from a machine but when you buy the card, it has no money on it. (as the manager pointed out..”like a gambling card”) then, you have to use your credit/debit card to put money on the laundry card in order to do your laundry. Then, the laundry machine is weird and it said I had a Bad Card because you have to keep the card in the slot for so long until it actually starts working. Totally annoying. Plus, I am washing colors and whites together now. May as well. As long as I’ve pre-washed new things (which I think I will do in the sink when I get them) they won’t run and probably won’t shrink. Why waste extra money on what isn’t even a full load?

The garage sale is next week and since HE is gone this wknd; I am going to the house to organize and probably price stuff for it. HE wanted to know what day so he could ask his uncle not to come. I wouldn’t let him do that. I know why. It’s because he is probably paying his uncle extra to walk the dog during the day. I felt bad but it is his dog and he needs to take the responsibility for him. I am not going over there to walk the dog. I am going over there to work on yard sale stuff. Plus, I don’t know if I am going over there today or tomorrow so I am not going to post it here. Yes, it is very hard sometimes to play the part of Bitch, I must admit.

Since it hasn’t been long. My feelings switch. One minute I cry, One minute I’m pissed and one minute I am completely blank and in shock. Sometimes I wonder how he feels when he is alone with Petey in our old house full of memories. I wonder if he regrets his decision in any way? I wonder if he misses me at all or only the things I used to do for him. I wonder what happened to the love we once had.

Home of Broken Heart

I don’t know how to-do this. I don’t know how to not be a friend to the man I love. I don’t know how to not be the wife that I want to be. I don’t know how to be mean or not care. I texted him today. I should NOT do that! As someone pointed out, I have contacted him every day since we parted. But, it’s only been two days. The move was on Friday. I haven’t seen him. Seriously, I don’t know how to do this!

He asked me today for his mothers address since I have the Address Book but then I re-thought it. He can call her. He needs to ask his friends/family for that information. He didn’t/doesn’t want a wife anymore. He said he loves me but isn’t in love with me. That’s lame.

Anyway, my internet and t.v. is connected. Okay, one t.v. is connected. I have to buy a plug thing that holds more then one plug. I had one. I had two. The guy used one and I had the other in my hand but I put it down somewhere and I can’t find it. I looked all over but I don’t know where it is. The guys said it was okay but I started to cry. It’s not okay. It may never be okay again. My husband doesn’t love me. I had to be mean and didn’t give him his moms address (that was later in the day), I cant find the stupid, plug thing. Firepie barfed on the carpet this morning.

I went to the Counselor/Therapist, whatever this afternoon. I don’t think I will be going to that one anymore. The drive was crazy. It took me in like circles. I don’t like driving anyway especially in traffic. The drive was to long and I went by at least 3 places, he and I had gone to together. A furniture store where we looked for (purchased?) our sofa for the Living Room at the house, restaurants, Knott’s Berry Farm. I gave hin a shirt that he wore to Knott’s Berry Farm and he looked just like Charlie Brown. It was really cool. I don’t want to drive by there every time I go to the Therapist.

I got tons of boxes unpacked and you can almost see the whole Kitchen/Living Room. And, last night I watched Hoarders on dvd trying to get some normalcy in the situation. Because that’s what I would have done at home (the other place). I still have a hard time calling this place home because like my friend said, “Home is where the heart is.” and my heart is where my husband is, but, at the moment, he doesn’t love me anymore. So, my heart is broken.

First Post From My New World

I’m writing this in the Business Office of my new apartment complex where we get free Wifi/computer while feeling sick to my stomach. The move was tough. I still want this to be like Oz and I want to wake up back to my marriage, back when my husband loved me and we were a couple and stable. There is no real explanation for any of it. It’s a nice complex and the animals are slowly adjusting.
Mind you, it’s only been two nights. Two nights of tears and physical and mental pain like I can’t believe.

Yesterday, I stopped at the house to get the last of it. He wasn’t supposed to see me but he did. He showed me a Humming Birds nest in the backyard and I started to cry, The Humming Bird actually sat on the nest with her babies. I won’t get to watch them hatch.

I can’t hang onto his 2% chance that he may find this the worst idea he ever made. This cannot be up to him. But, I love the man so damn much. He was supposed to be my soul mate for better or worse not for just 12 years.

My internet gets hooked up tomorrow so I will be back then.

Test Didn’t Happen

So, my Cardiologist want s me to take Treadmill Stress Test or Myoview..part of which is a Lexiscan. It’s a two-day test.  One day of which I am on the treadmill for a bit and I have an I.V. in my arm and they inject some stuff in me at the last minute of walking and the other part of the test is resting along with radiology pics.  I was told to take all my a.m. pills, but the first day I messed up and only took my anti-rejection so they did the resting portion first and told me to return on Friday to do the treadmill part.  They also said NO Caffeine whatsoever (my headache medicine has caffeine in it) or coffee, etc. 12 hours before the test.  So, here’s the thing.  I woke up on Friday, the day of the test with a splitting headache (Migraine) and could only take a Tylenol.  I took all my a.m. pills on an empty stomach.  I was dry heaving before I even left the house but I said a prayer and figured I would get through.  I was wrong.  The cardiologist girl said, “You can have caffeine before this test.”  By then, it was too late.  Turns out, the radiologist had given me the wrong information.  I had the I.V. in and I was ready but I took one look at the treadmill with my throbbing head and knew it was not going to happen.  Plus, my stomach was starting to churn along with my head.  So, they re-scheduled the test to Monday and unhooked me.

Originally, I thought I could drive home but then re-thought quickly and had them call my husband from work to come pick me up. (We got my car today).  By the time he showed up, I was vomiting.  After I got home and tried to eat and vomited again, I finally took a pill and slept…woke up..ate some more and slept some more until 5 p.m.  During the time I was awake, I called the dr. and made sure a cup of coffee would be okay Monday morning.  I also called Security at the hospital to let them know my car was there.

The hospital system is so messed up.  They really need to give patients (especially patients who have migraines) like me the right information when it comes to caffeine.

A Tough Trip For An Apple

I made it to Von’s yesterday despite the fact I still felt like crap.  I almost didn’t, as even my eyes were buggy; but I drove super slow as I had to pick up my prescription anyway and Von’s is right across the street from there.  I was lucky to find some McDougall Gluten-Free Soups while there and of course, I picked up a few Apples, as well as a few other necessities but I could barely think and just wanted to home.  I did get some Whipped Butter and noticed my stomach did much better since I started using that instead of Blue Bonnet.  Of course, now I take a Lactaid before I eat anything with butter but whatever.

Anyway, I must have looked like death and I know when the cashier asked me how I was; I told her I was sick and I babbled something about shopping and apples and wanting to just go home afterwards.  Two store employee’s asked if I needed help to my car and I told them No.  However…

Upon, going to my car; I got a bit disoriented and could not find it for few.  But, after wandering I did find it.  I noticed a Von’s employee sort of following me and when I got to my car he started helping me put my bags in.  I said, “Oh, that’s nice.  I’m sick today.” and he commented that he noticed tht it looked like I could not find my car.  So, there I went again babbling about why I went shopping for an Apple and going home to go to bed.

Then, in the drive thru window of the pharmacy, I had to turn the air conditioning on in the car due to suddenly getting hot while waiting for my prescription as I was having hot/cold chills.

But, I really Am getting better.  I am not sleeping the entire day.  I am getting a few things done during the day.  I am eating again and   The Apple was delicious.

It’s THEIR Card.

Walgreen’s has a prescription savings card which can also be used for Walgreen’s products.  If you use it for Walgreen’s products it saves you money by putting a % of the purchase onto the card when you purchase it and then using those funds for the next time you shop there.  Thereby, saving you money.   The problem is this:

The people at the front register at the Walgreen’s near me do not know how to use their own savings card.  I am constantly having problems when using the card.  They don’t know when to scan it or the machines aren’t taking it or “that is supposed to be used for the pharmacy” or the latest was, “I’ve never seen that before. Is that a Gift Card?:  There is no employee training on the savings Card and I am so frustrated.

I’ve contacted the  office or at least made a comment via computer, I’ve talked to every manager that works at the store. I’m almost ready to train them myself on how to use their own card.  The new total is supposed to show up on the receipt when I use the card but it doesn’t, so I fight with them almost every single time.  I am so frustrated.  I go in almost every time just expecting more problems.

I talked to the Pharmacy Manager who said I can pay for everything there and avoid the front desk register; but you would think they would find a way to fix this andI’m sure other people are experiencing this too.

I Think It’s Still A Secret

My make-up is starting to get old and it is time to buy new.  I do not use make-up that is tested on animals and decided not to go to Origins this time at Macy’s as it is a bit expensive, plus, I think their product line may have changed from checking their website.  I thought of local malls and decided to ask Victoria’s Secret via e-mail if they animal test and this is their response.

“Victoria’s Secret does not test its products on animals, nor does it request any of our third-party manufacturers, or anyone else to perform such tests on its behalf. We utilize ingredients in our formulations that are judged safe, and we do not ask the supplier of those ingredients to perform any such tests on animals.

If there is anything else with which we can further assist you, please be sure to email or call us at any time.’

What does this mean exactly?  They don’t do animal testing themselves and they don’t REQUEST their third-party manufacturers to perform such tests on their behalf?  I should hope not!  “Would you please test this in the eye of a rabbit (who does not have tear ducts) just to see how it reacts before we sell this to a human? , You will?  Great.  Thanks so much.”  What a ridiculous statement,that was.  I take that response to mean..we don’t have a clue or we will not give you that information because either we don’t want you to know or we don’t want to take the time to know the facts ourselves.  If they do know the facts, some people may stop buying make-up there.

Needless to say, I found another company online that guarantee’s no animal testing of their products and decided to buy from them.

What is your opinion of this response?

ADD/ADHD Intelligence Level

Okay, So, I’m a little confused.  Seems in reading most blogs about ADHD/ADD, most people are Geniuses or at least super smart.  I am neither.  I have other problems.  I think my Intelligence is below average.  Yet, I still have ADD.  One person said he is highly intelligent and his doctor said he has the “classic signs of ADHD”.  Why is this common?  What would be the percentage of smart people verses under-achieving type people like me with ADD?  I am not stupid.  I did write and publish a Children’s book on Lulu.com. and I am working on another book at present. 

If Smartness or being at Genius level is a prerequisite for ADD/ADHD then my Psychiatrist and the TOVA Test diagnosis was completely and utterly wrong!