Thoughts of Men, Water, and Direction

Yesterday was Father’s Day. I chose not to dwell on that or even think about it really. My Father has been gone since 1995 and God wonders what he would think about this situation I’m in. I used to tell HIM how proud my Father would be that HE was such a good man and so good to me. My father would be so disappointed.

I thought about the men in my life. I haven’t had a lot of positive encounters with men. My brother means well but we are a generation a part and were not raised in the same time period. Our thought processes are much different.

I can’t compare relationships other then to say, they obviously did not work out for one reason or another..most in heartache brought on by the man and my reactions. And now this..

I bought some new water recently. I need to keep drinking a lot of water with my kidney issues, if I want the kidney to continue working correctly. This time I bought Mineral Water, which I love. I wonder if the changing of water type and taste will change the taste of my own tears; at least the salt content? Guess I will find out.

I can finally see the counter in the bathroom as I organize this place. So, that is saying something semi-positive, I guess. Or, at least I can say I am moving in the right direction.

Funny Memory & Reality

Someone made a comment with the word ‘Twat’ which made me think of something totally off topic to the situation at-hand. It’s good to get your mind off things once in a while. Here’s a true story about a teacher who was also a Priest in Catholic School or CCD which was part of Catholic Education while growing up. This Priest was really cute and he was teaching us about words. We were in Jr. High and he asked us for swear words to write on the Chalk-Board. At first, the room was dead silent. And, he said, “Don’t worry, God isn’t going to strike you down.” so, I said it really softly; the first one brave enough to say something as I slunk into my seat. “Twat.” Everybody cracked up. Father Tom (don’t remember his real name) said, “Come on, you can do better then that.” and wrote my word and like the S word on the Chalk-Board, then we started rolling. After the Chalk-Board was full of words, he started to go over the true definitions. This is a woman’s body part, this comes from the body of a dog, etc. When you insult someone, you are really not doing anything. In this way, knowing what the words you are using really mean is taking away the power. It was one of the most informative and fun CCD classes I attended.

    Back To Reality:

I was at the house yesterday for hours moving things from inside the house to the garage. HE never believes we have anything for a garage sale, but this time, we do. I think I may text him about putting the ad in the local paper so I can mention the Coca-Cola Collectibles and maybe get some collectors there. I wound up feeding the dog and the poor dog freaked out when I tried to leave. Actually, at first I had only been there for a little while and was going to my car and he started yelping. I had to let him come with me. When I actually left, I gave him a treat first. But, he still started barking at being left alone. I am going back today to do some more..hopefully actually organizing and maybe pricing of things.

My Living Room is almost unpacked and the bedroom is done. I may finish the last two Living Room boxes this morning. Then all I will have left is the bath. I have the empty boxes folded up and stacked since I will be moving again in 9 months and it is a total hassle to find and have to buy boxes again.

I really do not feel like this is home (Well, it’s only been 15 days!) and the house is not home anymore so I sort of feel as if I am homeless now. Plus, with my husband saying he doesn’t love me anymore or..he loves me but isn’t in love with me…Whatever. It’s just depressing to feel unloved and practically homeless. Just because you have a roof over your head does not make a place home.

I still want to wake up to what my life was once. Back in my big bed with my cat AND dog, my husband whom I thought loved me can be in the next room..that’s okay. But, we can be okay again. And, this can all be one Big-Ass Nightmare..never to have happened. He would laugh and think I was crazy, or he would say I’m taking way to much medication and should probably talk to a doctor and change that, or he would think I was losing my mind and need to get a hobby. But, it would be normal and I would make his lunch for work and make his dinner once in a while. Heck, I’d even make him a couple Egg Sandwiches which I know he loves and I hate to make and would wear a mask while I made them because I hate the smell.

Don’t worry, I haven’t flipped. I know the difference between reality and dreams. I’m getting it. I Hate It but it’s setting in. There is no one to “take care” of me, but me. It’s what HE wanted. HE also said at one time HE wanted me to be happy, but HE can’t have it both ways. I think in order for one to be happy, the other has to be miserable unless something is decided together.

Finally Getting Sleep…7th Day.

And on the Seventh day, God rested. Yeah, I know that was after he made the world and all was good but I’ll gloss over that part. I’ll fast forward to the rest because that’s what Firepie and I are going to do tonight and tomorrow, and tomorrow night, and maybe even Sunday night if HE will keep Petey that long.

Today-

My day started crying during a conversation over birds. I was talking to a friend about birds in her garden and how she watches them through the window and loves to feed them from the bird feeders. I used to do that every day. I would even give them old bread. That started a sob fest. She went on and on and changed it to Humming Birds. Thanks, now your reminding me of the Humming Birds I fed every day and the nest in the back of the house that could be hatching any day but I won’t get to see.

Then, it’s washing my hair which is supposed to cheer me up but it doesn’t because I love hot water but water has to be constantly adjusted to get the right temperature and doesn’t stay hot like it did at the house. I was spoiled before and could take nice, long showers. So, I cried and wondered where Norman Bates was when I needed him. “Gee Officer, I don’t know. I know she was very depressed but there was absolutely no way those knife cuts could have been done by herself.”

I dropped the dog off and HIS uncle was there fixing up the house. Which tells me HE is seriously getting ready to sell. I looked in the frig and got a bit annoyed that he had not even opened the mixed salad I had bought him I left. He used to eat some salad and salads are probably healther then some of the junk he is eating now. Yes, I left him a note but I won’t tell you everything written in it. I’ve decided to keep a few things between Him and I, and hold onto at least one little straw that I have, which is all I have for at least a little while longer. Even if the straw is only in my mind. Physically I really have accomplished a lot in 7 days and mentally, I have not had a nervous break-down but; if I have to drop that straw right this minute. I cannot guarantee anything.

Let me see if I can remember all or most of what I have done this week:

Physically moved into the apartment.
Started unpacking.
Started seeing a Psychologist
Sent new address info to friends, family, DMV, Voters Info and CDL Info, and Social Security/Disability Administration, had televisions, utilities, etc. installed, walked Petey almost continuously and trained him to at least pee on the patio, bought numerous extra things for the apartment including a Mattress Topper today and a new pillow because I’ve started having back pains the last few days on the new bed, changed checking account address information and received temporary checks, Put up the shower curtain with rings in bathroom.

All this amidst much mental anguish and crying and pain. Plus, mini breakdowns with Xanax as my answer + headache, weight loss, diarrhea, etc. some of which is due to not taking care of myself because I am very depressed and exhausted.

But, it is the 7th day. I bought a beautiful Fieldcrest Mattress Topper at Target. It looks soft. I also bought a soft pillow to sink into. Firepie and I will be alone and we plan to curl up and sleep. As soon as I got home at 4:50. I put my pajama’s on. I don’t have to go out again tonight and that feels good.

Slow Progress

Hey, I’ve gained a bit of weight (am actually over 99 now) and was able to wear one of my new shirts for the 1st time yesterday.    Unfortunately, I didn’t get out where anyone could see it but I knew I was wearing it and that’s what matters.

Yesterday was a bad day in a few ways.  It was the one-year Anniversary of the death of my mother.  I have to wonder if that’s when my depression actually started.  I will never forget getting the phone call then literally running into the home even though she was already gone and being alone with her body.  Just the unreality that the day before when she had been walking around at the home and still driving everybody crazy.  The nurses had said she even had Ice-Cream.  It had been expected, yet not.

  I think I feel guilty because my relationship with my mother was rocky and I consider myself more of a Daddy’s Girl yet she fought for me to live while I was in the hospital dying after I was born.  I am torn though because I have no reason to feel guilty.  I actually feel guilty because my mother ruled by guilt.  Anyway,   I was going to get together with a friend to keep busy but something came up so that did not happen.  It was for the best though because I had stomach issues all day.  I did end up cleaning quite a bit of the house though which my mother would have been proud of.  My mother cleaned the house constantly.  We grew up with one room we could not even go in unless we had company.  

I canceled the appointment for the Hemorrhoid Cream Study.  I don’t know why I woke up with 2nd thoughts but something told me not to go.  I did speak to a few friends and one had mentioned the possibility of an allergic reaction but it wasn’t that.  Usually, when I get a strong feeling like this..God is trying to tell me something. 

I may have said this before but despite the side effects, the Zoloft seems to be helping quite a bit.   I am considering going  to Target today to get some boots and a few other things, and for me to consider going anywhere is a BIG step in the right direction.