First Day of Laughter Since My Hell

Bad News-Sick Today. Guess my body is telling me to slow down and my throat is telling me to stop talking. I only had one errand which will have to wait until tomorrow. My appointment wasn’t until the afternoon tomorrow so I can do todays plan tomorrow morning.

In good news- Yesterday was actually a decent day with laughter. I think it was the first day of mostly laughter. Went to Ruby’s Diner for lunch with a friend. I asked the guy who took our drink order if he had a Gluten-Free menu and first he asked what Gluten-Free meant. That’s a normal question, and in my case it means I can’t eat wheat, which I told him. But, then he asked “Why?” I got thrown off. “Why?” Who asks that? My friend was like, “IBS” and I added, “Yeah, Bowel Issues, Stomach Problems.” He said he was sorry as he just wanted to know and would get the server who knew more then he did. He was a young guy, probably straight out of high school; but my friend and I cracked up. “Why?” How about, because I woke up one day and thought it would be fun to bug people who work in restaurants with making orders complicated and figuring out what and if I can eat anything in your restaurant. Anyway, I wound up ordering a Veggie Sandwich on a Gluten Free Hamburger Bun and some Garlic Fries. The Garlic Fries did have some vegetable oil in them but since I’ve already had some stomach issues lately, it’s not like it’s much worse and the sandwich/bun thing was excellent. But the bun was so big I could hardly get my mouth around it. (Quiet, Celaine!). I haven’t eaten in a restaurant or that much food for so long, I could only eat half so the other half is in my refrigerator for today.

Then, last night, I got re-acquainted with an old friend from years ago. Suffice it to say, this is a person of whom we have had falling outs over and over again but our friendship has always picked up where its left off. Needless to say, we talked on the phone for over two hours last night catching up. Even though he lives a different lifestyle and has never been married, talking to him can really keep me grounded. Even with our falling outs, he has been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life, he is sort of like a brother to me. I know our conversation has a lot to do with my being sick today only because it probably didn’t help to talk until 2 a.m. on the phone but it’s okay. It was worth it in the end.

So, my friend from years ago is back in my life, My friend C. will come over another day, My errand from of today will be done tomorrow, I have lots of soup and stuff, Petey is not here so I don’t have to get dressed and can lay around all day. Today will be a recovery day so I can continue on tomorrow.

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My Apartment Living Problems & Observations

I told Petey (and myself) I would never leave and abandon him when things got hard like HE did. However, I really am at a loss. I’m out at all hours of the morning and night walking him as he refuses to use the patio. Last night, I put his leash on and walked for an hour up and down the patio and he still held it. He won’t even urinate on the patio. Something about the smells, I guess. If I don’t find the answer soon, I will have to give Petey back to HIM and let HIM deal with it. Then, HE will have the responsibility of finding somewhere that has grass if he doesn’t keep the house. However, I haven’t actually made that decision yet. I am still seeking a solution. At least I am taking Petey to visit with HIM over the wknd so I can get some rest with only Firepie here. I know if that does happen, then I will wish I had moved closer to where my friends are because with only Fire; I could have found quite a few closer apartments, but, the rent is already paid in advance for 9 months and there is a penalty if you leave early. This is what HE was afraid of. But, we are still only separated in the talking sense so it makes mores sense to just stay here verses moving again right away anyway. I chose the 9 months so we could both figure things out. Nothing is figured out. Right now, I need to figure out the dog situation and the fact that due to this situation, I am getting absolutely no sleep.

When I moved into this apartment, it was being renovated. Now, there are some shoe scuff marks. I wear tennis shoes. So, I have to try to work on that today.

I haven’t really met my neighbors although I’ve talked to one (or a friend of one) and said Hi to a few. I’ve also observed how a few live. One neighbor above me runs the dishwasher or washing machine every night. Some apartments have washer/dryers (mine doesn’t) and some don’t, the neighbors across from me have a child, I think. I think the same neighbor is a Mexican woman who parks her car next to mine and speaks Spanish while talking on her cell phone and throwing trash on the ground. I talked to one gentlemen who warned me about parking inside the gate and told me to make sure you have a permit because he was towed after only 3 hours. Guests need to park outside or have a Visitors Pass to park inside Visitors Parking.

When I’m out early in the morning walking Petey, I can see people in business uniforms leaving their apartments going off to work.

9:16 a.m.- I just ordered a Dog Potty. It has fake grass on top and leaks into a pan. This better work. It’s basically a dog litter box. He mainly needs to use it at night and early morning or when I’m sick. But, now I get more responsibility of emptying the pan when he goes. Oh well, I’m not the one who didn’t want responsibility. I am just tired and stressed. Plus, Petey is barking at the gardeners. I’m trying to break him of that. It’s hard. He did this at home. He doesn’t like them near our house. I started yelling at him this morning. I can’t yell at him. We are in an apartment. A new place. New gardeners. New smells. I’m a bad mother.

Even The Dog Is Confused

Yesterday when I texted HIM (I think that is how I will refer to him now for a bit) I mentioned that if he wanted to keep up on how I was, he was welcome to follow this blog. After all, in my mind, we are still husband and wife..just separated, and in this way; he will know what is going on. But, he will not be responsible for any of it. Actually, that’s not true. He is responsible for most all of it. He is the reason I and the animals are here.

Anyway, he read yesterdays blog entry and texted me. I know he read it because he used one of the same terms I did. he was not supposed to comment that way, he was supposed to comment anonymously here on this site. Or, if HE wishes to be himself and admit HE is my husband, he can be prepared for the fall-out of anyone who may comment to HIM. If I text back, we get into a conversation and I become his friend..which is what he wants. I cannot do that. If I let myself become a “friend.” I will never be able to become his wife again. (That may not happen anyway.) After all, I’m not supposed to hold onto that 2% chance right now. I will reiterate that it is to painful to communicate and be a friend. I said I will communicate about the house, or the dog, or the garage sale. But, not chit-chat. Keep it business. He Cannot, Did Not and Will Not change his mind in 3 days. This came close once before and he changed his mind in one day..but I guess really didn’t. Or, I wouldn’t be here.

Okay, So last night I’m taking Petey for a walk at 10:30. He refuses to go potty in the back yard. This is ridiculous. So today, I go to Home Depot where I buy a Shower Rod. I find one but I don’t see directions on how it extends. Last time, I bought the wrong size. I realize the last one I got was actually a Towel Rod. I almost lose it but I tell myself; NO, you are not going to lose it in the middle of Home Depot. I also bought a plug strip. The guy at the store called it a Strip. (In his text, HE said he had the strip, but I was not going to make the extra trip over there to get it). One of the main reasons I went to Home Depot is because someone suggested getting one of those boxes where you put them together and put them on the patio with grass so I won’t have to take Petey out so late. I go to Home Depot near me and purchase one. The Home Depot I go to does not have the sod or grass though so I call the one near my old house that does and I go their after, BUT: the girl there tells me it will stain the patio. IT WON”T WORK! At least I didn’t waste the $50.00. At least, I’m at a Home Depot, so I can return it and get my money back. I thought about potty pads for pets but I can’t leave them outside or they will blow away. Petey is 14 years old and doesn’t really like change.

Petey

Petey

Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?

I have an appointment with a new Psychologist tomorrow who is only 5 minutes away.

Home of Broken Heart

I don’t know how to-do this. I don’t know how to not be a friend to the man I love. I don’t know how to not be the wife that I want to be. I don’t know how to be mean or not care. I texted him today. I should NOT do that! As someone pointed out, I have contacted him every day since we parted. But, it’s only been two days. The move was on Friday. I haven’t seen him. Seriously, I don’t know how to do this!

He asked me today for his mothers address since I have the Address Book but then I re-thought it. He can call her. He needs to ask his friends/family for that information. He didn’t/doesn’t want a wife anymore. He said he loves me but isn’t in love with me. That’s lame.

Anyway, my internet and t.v. is connected. Okay, one t.v. is connected. I have to buy a plug thing that holds more then one plug. I had one. I had two. The guy used one and I had the other in my hand but I put it down somewhere and I can’t find it. I looked all over but I don’t know where it is. The guys said it was okay but I started to cry. It’s not okay. It may never be okay again. My husband doesn’t love me. I had to be mean and didn’t give him his moms address (that was later in the day), I cant find the stupid, plug thing. Firepie barfed on the carpet this morning.

I went to the Counselor/Therapist, whatever this afternoon. I don’t think I will be going to that one anymore. The drive was crazy. It took me in like circles. I don’t like driving anyway especially in traffic. The drive was to long and I went by at least 3 places, he and I had gone to together. A furniture store where we looked for (purchased?) our sofa for the Living Room at the house, restaurants, Knott’s Berry Farm. I gave hin a shirt that he wore to Knott’s Berry Farm and he looked just like Charlie Brown. It was really cool. I don’t want to drive by there every time I go to the Therapist.

I got tons of boxes unpacked and you can almost see the whole Kitchen/Living Room. And, last night I watched Hoarders on dvd trying to get some normalcy in the situation. Because that’s what I would have done at home (the other place). I still have a hard time calling this place home because like my friend said, “Home is where the heart is.” and my heart is where my husband is, but, at the moment, he doesn’t love me anymore. So, my heart is broken.

My Blog and Emotions

My last post brought an extreme reaction from a friend and at first I took it to mean I lost said friend. However, after talking to my sister, she made me realize I am to emotional to receive comments from people at present. Makes sense. Anything I read/hear is just not being taken the way it is being sent. It’s not necessarily that it is not what I do or don’t want to hear; maybe it is that I just cannot hear it NOW. At least I just talked to said friend on the phone to make sure all was clear with us. I also decided not to update regarding the marriage issue on Facebook anymore for the same reason. However:

My blog is what it is: My space to blog my feelings..so this will continue:

Since I don’t know most of you and those I do know have different names (most of you), this will still be a emotional, venting, crying, place. I hope that is okay.

My Giving Addiction.

I can hardly believe it’s almost June which means the year is half over and I have hardly started Christmas shopping. According to my calculations (which I just did) I need to buy 4 gifts each month to keep up with my list. Even on disability, this should not be to hard as I don’t pick the most expensive of gifts. So, yesterday, I had fun going through one of my many gift catalogs and finding things for my husbands’ and my family. I actually enjoy picking things that I think they might like.

My gift-giving list has gone down from the past because people pass away, friendships are lost and some relatives tell me not to give to them.

Here’s the thing. If you know someone like me who Loves to give where giving means the world to them,(for whatever reason) it is really an insult for you to tell them not to give to you anymore. Honestly, it feels like a slap in the face; almost as if you don’t want me to care.
It does not matter if you like the gifts received, I do not go to your house and ask what you have done with them or where you have put them or why you aren’t using them, or whatever.

It is simply that you are taking my joy of caring away from me toward one more person; thereby diminishing the joy I get in choosing and giving a gift.

Unlike most, I love giving…especially at holidays. I think it my obsession, compulsion, addiction. It does not cause problems for me financially and I don’t see why it causes problems for the receiver. You are welcome to donate the gift, sell it, give it away, whatever, if it is not something you desire. However, don’t tell me.

I have one friend that gives things that are used. The thing with that is, she will announce before-hand that they were used and she either didn’t want it or didn’t like it, etc. so she gives it to me. I do find that a bit tacky because when it comes to re-gifting; I do not believe you shod announce the fact a head of time. She will also ask later on, what I did with the gift received. This puts me in a tough position because I don’t keep a lot of what she gives me. I do not lie to her, however, I do feel a bit bad when I tell her I donated something she gave me.

I do believe before you give something; you should know something about the persons interests (unless it is a neighbor..in which case, that can be tough) and go on that. You usually cannot go wrong with a favorite animal, favorite color or gift card. Of course, gift cards are iffy because it’s good to know where they shop.

Anyway, this blog post started with Christmas Shopping and somehow diverted. I get hurt sometimes when a homeless person turns me down after I offer a bag filled with clothing, soap, food, etc. If you are really homeless; why wouldn’t you accept that?

I think I’ve concluded I definitely have a Giving Addiction which is not a bad addiction to have.

Everyone Is A Doctor

Isn’t it amusing when you tell someone you have a medical problem (such as headaches)  and suddenly everyone gets out their medical degree and puts on their uniform and gives you advice?.

I called to return a Therapeutic Pillow I ordered which was supposed to be good for headaches, I thought.  However, I am a side sleeper and it has a crease in the center and is meant more for back sleepers.  One of the Customer Service Reps had called the other day telling me of the return policy.  So, I am talking to the girl on the phone and I mention I am a Migraine Sufferer and the pillow is not helping.  She says, “Are you drinking enough water?  My daughter gets migraines but it’s because she doesn’t drink enough water.”  You ever feel like smacking someone through the phone.  I know she meant well.  But relay.  That’s the solution!  None of the doctors in the world can figure this out and it’s my water intake??  I don’t think so.

Then, on Facebook (although I know well-meaning) I find recipe’s from friends for smoothies or drinks to help with headaches and articles about food triggers.  Gosh, it could be food triggers?  Really?  Yes, I know most of my food triggers.  I love Pumpkin Seeds and Cheese but I try to stay away from them especially when I am having bad headache episodes.       I’m already on a gluten-free diet and I have to eat.  My doctors and I both keep track of my diet record.  Thanks for helping point out the idea of food triggers.

Needless to say, I would be shocked should a friend or stranger figure out a solution to this problem when the doctors can’t.

If someone tells you they are sick with headaches, or any aches, try saying, “I’m sorry or “I”ll  pray for you.”  and leave it at that.  It really does help, just  to know you care.

Friends & Recluses

There are two types of people in this world, I’ve discovered: (probably more)

The ones who divulge absolutely nothing about their lives unless you are talking or seeing them in person or unless you ask tons of questions to pull it out of them, and the others who share everything so you can rejoice when they are happy and sympathize/cry with them when they are sad.   I belong to the 2nd set.  Sometimes, I think I talk to much, however, I like my friends to be informed as to what is going on.  Most of my friends (and my husband) belong to the first set, which gets hard.

A friend’s sister has been keeping everyone updated via Facebook about her/his mother being in hospital.  Their mother just died a few days ago.  I have left numerous messages with him and he has not even called me.  I have sent him a personal sympathy gift and I am also sending some flowers to the church.  However, I must say his Not contacting me is a bit of a surprise especially after leaving messages.  It also hurts a bit.  I know he has a lot of family, but still.

I have had situations with other friends who have had important situations occur and did not bother to contact me.  Yet, I would get a hold of them as soon as possible should the same thing occur with me.

I remember my therapist saying I expected to much from people.  I guess when you only have 5 or so friends that you consider “close”, you kind of want them to  share the most important things in their lives with you.  At least I do.

I start to wonder if maybe it is because I do not live close enough to see them as often as we  like, or maybe it is because I am sick all the time  Or maybe, it is because I care to much and I need to stop caring so much for others.

Maybe this is one reason I am turning into a Recluse in a way,  and liking it more and more with my computer friends..indoors

Crazy Casino Trip

Yesterday, I went on my first bus trip to a casino with a friend.  Let’s just call the friend Amy.  The bus trip company or casino company gave us $10.00 in free slot play on the casino card, however, it also cost $10.00 to ride the bus.  We got 3 1/2 hours at the casino despite the fact that the ad stated 5 hours.

Anyway, I knew Amy; was slow because  she has had many previous problems in the past, plus, within the past year she has survived a coma or brain aneurism.  However, I did not know how many problems she was dealing with.  I think she wants/tries to be independent but she really isn’t and should not be left alone to often.

She had severe freak-outs; – when they forgot to give me a badge when we got on the bus (you need a group badge to get on and off the bus), when they took her Driver’s License before going to another room to wait for her name to be called for a club players card, when we were on the way home and she thought we were at our exit but we weren’t and she was practically insisting we needed to get off the bus because “There is a chicken place here and there was a chicken place where we got picked up.” She got annoyed with me when I got a little disoriented on where things were once or twice because I had forgotten we had to go to a different building and had a question about my club card, she had brought a big purse instead of a fanny pack but it turned out to be to heavy for her to carry around so she kept leaving it and walking away  so I was constantly keeping it with me or worrying about it getting stolen, she spent almost her entire budget within the first half hour on a nickel machine because she insisted on playing around 80 cents; despite th fact I told her and even set the machine up for her to play a dime,  (she was broke by dinner so I bought for both of us) she would wandered away and  forgot where I was and supposedly had me paged, but I didn’t hear the page because I am hard of hearing.  Plus, I could not call nor could she call me because I had her purse with her phone in it but eventually she did find me again so we quickly got dinner and ate it on the bus.

Then, after getting dinner, I had to call the restaurant because although the menu said it was stuffed crab with shrimp; it did not say it was fried.  I called to ask what type of oil they fried it in; the restaurant guy said Canola. But, I am wondering since my body had a yucky accident while sleeping last night.  Also,  while at one machine; a lady sat at the machine next to mine and decided to light a cigarette and blow and wave the smoke directly in my face.  I immediately cashed out, since I am not a smoker and the smoke really is not good for me; but I could totally tell it was deliberate and when I stood up; I looked at her and she had the nerve to smile at me.

I said a prayer and took my and Amy’s things to a table nearby to wait for Amy and I watched as the stupid, bitch..I mean lady..I mean woman used the machine for maybe 5 or 10 minutes before leaving.  If I weren’t a Christian; I’m sure I could have said a lot and I really wanted to comment on how rude that was but I was already stressing over Amy and wherever she was and having visions of abductions or whatever because you hear a lot about that nowadays.  I had enough to worry about then getting in a fight in the casino with some stupid, rude, stranger.

Before we had gone; my husband had mentioned the idea of Amy and I going once a month on the bus trip and maybe trying different casino’s.  Unfortunately, Amy has already latched on to the idea and she even came over today and thanked me for yesterday and said she had fun and maybe we can go somewhere else next.

I think I am going by myself next time.  I may go again with her but I would much prefer someone else with us.  My husband says to give her another chance but, it would have to be the same place and with her memory and how she spends her money; I don’t know.  Maybe, we can get her mother to join us and then I won’t feel like I am stressed out and playing Babysitter.   Right now, I am trying to deter her and mentioning going to the mall, or back to the vintage store, or the restaurant or even just clearing off my pool table so we can play pool soon.  I don’t mind hanging out with Amy, but considering the situation; 3 and a half hours turned out to be a blessing this time.

Amy is 8 months older than I, by the way.

Fast March & Question 4 You

Wow, It really has been a while, hasn’t it?  March snuck up on me way to fast as did doctor appointments.  I got a phone call with a reminder of a doc appointment for this Monday which I could swear was in April so then I had to rush to the lab.  I also saw a doc about my headaches who put me on a new headache med as well as adjusted my Topamax and one of the two just makes me fall asleep around 8 or 9 p.m. or earlier….during my favorite t.v. shows.  It sucks because I seriously don’t remember the endings and I really was not one to fall asleep while watching t.v before.  To me, that is a bit scary.

In amusing news, Firepie is a bit annoyed her Aunt Lisa and her husband got themselves a cat.  When my friend Lisa came over to visit.  Firepie was all over her purse (as usual) and when Lisa was ready to leave Firepie didn’t want to get off of it and yelled at her.  She never does that!  I know she can smell Lisa’s new cat.  I discussed it with Firepie and she just isn’t sure about the situation.  When Lisa comes here; I guess we are supposed to talk about Firepie and give her the attention not the new cat despite the fact that Lisa and her husband saved it’s life.  Other then that, I guess Firepie is okay with it.

So, someone on Facebook asked what was one thing you are happy having done or accomplished so far and what was one thing you regret not having done or accomplished. I responded that I am happy having survived an abusive relationship but am annoyed at having not written the book about it yet.  I have no more excuses.  So, I sat down yesterday and started writing.  If I take it slowly, it will eventually come together.  I am going to work on it a little at a time (nothing like the Nanowrimo) competition.  This is a true story of my life and I really think it will help my mind to get this all out.  I started with notes yesterday, but I think I am going to start again today in actual story form and see where it takes me.

  Here’s the question for you: What are you happy you’ve done or accomplished in life so far and what is one thing you regret not having done or accomplished?  Just to add:  Do you think you may ever accomplish it?

*I would love to hear your replies.

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