The Marriage Ending Saga (Found An Apartment)

I found an apartment and the paperwork is being signed and money is being put down today. We are also seeing someone about the Divorce. I may have to steel myself with a bit of anger or something to get through this: even though financially he is being very nice.

Here is what I don’t need right now. I have a neighbor who I thought was a friend. A new Christian. She literally told me she does not like my decision and it is against God. She said I should fight for my marriage because God does not want Divorce. She went on and on about how I should be the stronger person and have faith because God turns people around, blah, blah, blah. I almost told her where to shove her religion.

I asked S. again if he was sure this is how he felt. He actually said not only Yes, but if he decided to stay he would probably just do this to me again in the future because he is not happy. He also said he has felt this way for about the last 5 years. I had the transplant about 6 years ago. This means, about right after the transplant, S. decided since I didn’t I didn’t get miraculously cured or for whatever reasons;.he wasn’t happy and we should end it.

He re-affirmed that there is no one else or at least no one by computer.

I can’t dwell on this anymore. I need to focus on moving and try to put my crying on the back burner until I get out of here, if possible. I could be moving as soon as next wknd.

Christians and Going To Church

As most of you know by now, I am a Christian, yet, I do not go to church.  To clarify, I do not go to an actual building on Sunday (Mosque, Church, Temple, Chapel or otherwise) to sit in a pew or chair next to people who may cough, sneeze, talk to or in any other way distract me during a service.  I also don’t have to listen to the singing and/or many other things that are involved in the service that do not come directly from the Bible if I do not desire.  I do church on television or via the internet.  Which means, I can fast forward the singing and get to the Sermon from the Pastor which is the main thing I want to hear.  I tune in for God’s word.  I can hear a different Pastor each week..at least from about 10 or so and some are not even around here.  Christmas does not have to be the actual Christmas story.  I can choose a title with a topic that may really help me during the week.

Let me give you some back-up as to how I got here.  I’ve posted a bit of this before so I’ll try to condense this.

I was raised in the Catholic Church and made to go to church every, single Sunday.  I never did believe in Purgatory, (the word is not mentioned in the Bible..and Yes, I have read the entire Bible..it took me 3 years!) and I always believed the Priest changing the water and wine into God’s body and blood was a reminder of the Last Supper…not that he was actually doing it every week, I also could never understand why we used the collection money for things like air conditioning and new seats for the church when we could be sending it to people who really needed it.  (I do think the Catholics picked a really good Pope in that way now, but I digress)   I was raised in the Youth Group and followed all the rules.  I was Miss Goody Two Shoes and totally believed in holding out sex before marriage.  I had a massive crush on the popular guy (as did most girls) and was shocked when his girlfriend became pregnant by him.  I thought for sure everybody would shun her or at least treat her differently and treat me better..but instead, they threw her a baby shower and the two got married and had a baby.  That may be when my sex before marriage view changed, I’m not sure.

After a few years of seeking a different church, I joined the Baptist Church.  This worked quite well for a while until the Pastor started up with the every Sunday thing in order to be a good church member.  I had been on the Women’s Group but that had ended and when I offered to re-start it, they said no because you had to attend every service.  They had two services on Sundays.  I do not wish to be forced to go anywhere.  That is ridiculous.  Then, he started begging and guilting people into giving money and going on and on about how you should want to give to God from your heart.  I’ve never believed in Tithing.  I’m sorry.  God isn’t getting my money.  The church is.  A group of people who decide what they want to use my money for that I have given them.  In essence, I am paying so they can preach God’s word to me as they interpret it.  I have Bible for that!  The last reason the 2nd church didn’t work out is because I started to check out a few other churches and confided in a few people a head of time, (not the Pastor) and a “friend” actually went and told the Pastor, so I was told I could no longer help in the church office (folding flyers) if I was considering leaving the church.  What?  I hadn’t said anything to the Pastor because my decision hadn’t been made but at that moment, I guess it was made for me so I was gone.

The last church I attended was also Baptist.  Thee people have views that are at the point of being ridiculous.  The Pastor and I almost got into it at Halloween because he believes putting up Halloween decorations of witches, ghosts, etc. is asking evil spirits to invade your world and you should always live as a Christian and be ready for Christ.  He got annoyed that I didn’t bow down and say, “Oh, your right, I’m so sorry.”  Uh..Nope.  Not my belief.  Then, everybody sort of started treating me differently after that and the air was just weird.  Plus, they would talk behind the back of other members and say, “I heard so and so said this and I think so and so may have been a druggie anyway.”  Who knows what they are saying now that I’m gone.

 

Anyway, when I explain that I do church on the internet or television, I get tired of hearing the response, “You should really find a church family.”  Why?  I just told you my reasons for not going?  Everybody is different.  God is working in me in his own way and we have our own relationship.  I don’t need your drama of seeing you on Sunday and then not talking to you during the week.  I had a friend that swore all the time and treated her family like crap, but she was the “Perfect Christian” because she went to church every Sunday.  Guess what?  I found out, she is divorced now.  She as a devout Catholic.

Before you quote the commandment:  I am well aware:  It is:  Keep Holy The Sabbath Day. 

A Christian means “Follower of Christ” and as a Follower of Christ; I do not need to go to church.

 

 

 

Needed Nano Motivation & Mood

This morning was very strange.  I had no motivation for Nanowrimo.  It was quite odd for me.  It was almost Biblical like how God made the world in 6 days and on the 7th day he rested.  Well, this is the 8th day of Nanowrimo and I’ve been at the novel for the first straight 7 days.  This is the first day, it was almost a chore.  I preferred playing games on FB plus I found a comfy, fleece, pajama, set I’ve been looking for and then tonight I got a bit distracted because my husband decided to start watching a show he knows I like and our t.v. is located right next to the computer.. but somehow thorough it all, I did manage to type out 1400 words today.  I also went outside and took a different picture to become the cover.  At least it will be the temporary cover until or unless I find an actual publisher should my novel be good enough.  I don’t know about that yet.

I am extra tired today because my dog woke me up from a sound sleep when the gardeners got here around 8:00 this morning.  I wish they would come at the same time every Thursday morning but it is alway’s unpredictable.

Plus, the stress of the election put me in a really, weird mood.  I think I am a bit depressed over the state of this country but nothing can be helped now.  I don’t want to hear anyone else say anything about wanting change because it obviously isn’t true.  A lot of the other things I voted for or against did not turn out the way I wanted either.  What a drain to really believe/hope that once again your vote would count only to find that it didn’t in a lot of ways.

 

Writing & Restaurants

Hey, This is my first pop-in since starting Nanowrimo.  I am pretty proud of myself because I am actually doing it.  I wrote 1900 words today which was the most so far.  If I go up in words every day, it would be fantastic.  I’ve pretty much set myself a schedule and I find the best time to write is when I first get up after I’ve checked my one comic and any major e-mails, then I just get going while I drink my coffee.  While I knew basically what my story was about, my main character is in high-school and she may be leading me a different direction.  I need to see if I can avoid that or I will have to completely change the title and the whole first few paragraphs at the beginning.  I don’t mind a few loops thrown in but I’m not sure I want her to completely take the story over.  I am thinking if I can really complete Nano (and at this rate + with this attitude, I believe I can), I will have confidence to finish the true story I was working on afterward.  Although, I may take a break and enjoy December, first.  That one is a lot tougher because it is about a mentally,  abusive relationship I actually lived through and I am working from notes from old diaries and memories.  Nano is a lot more fun coming from my imagination.

Other than Nano, my friend and I went to B.J’s Pizza and Brewery in Huntington Beach, CA because I thought they had a large Gluten-Free Menu.  I am a bit picky and I really don’t think their Gluten-Free Menu is quite as large as I’d hoped.  The pizza choices are a bit narrower then expected and the way the Veggie Potato was described was a bit confusing.  The manager was nice enough to come and talk to me about it, after we ordered.  But, needless to say, it’s not one of my favorite places.  I also tried Taco Bell after reading that the Nacho’s were safe and I have to disagree.  Maybe it was the Cheese Sauce which had a wonderfully, hot zing to it.  All I know is that’s  another place I need to stay away from except for maybe their Hash Browns.

Hope all is well with everyone, I’ll be back.  Tomorrow morning is back to Nanowrimo Land.  I want to do this thing so this month, I can’t use Sundays for days of rest.  I know God understands.

Side Effects and Death?

So, it’s the 8th day of being sick and even on the 7th day God rested. Give me a Break!

The Levofloxacin has weird side effects.    Did you ever notice if you read the side effects on the bottles of whatever prescriptions the doctors give you, you seriously think you probably shouldn’t take them?  Oh my gosh, this one actually said, possible joint pain, chest problems, heart problems, death.  Yep, it said..death can occur.  I think that was only with overdose but still…  your feeling sick to die when you get the stuff and now I have to worry about death with something that is supposed to help me?  Really?  I don’t think I read Mouth Sores in that long list of side effects but now I’ve got those.  Like, popping fever blisters in my mouth.  Okay, maybe it just feels like they are popping.  No, wonder I am still coughing a bit.  I am also waiting on the chest x-ray results.

So, please forgive me for not feeling like writing a funny, true story at present.  I’ve hardly talked anyone and nothing is being done around the house.

One thing though…when I start to feel like crap and I start to say the words, “I’m going to or I want to die.”  I correct myself and say, “No I’m not.” because:

There is alway’s someone worse off then I.  (I give boxes to children of Operation Christmas Child, I give bags to the Homeless, some people are truly sick with terrible things,etc.)

plus;

God isn’t ready for me yet. (at least I hope not.)

What R U Gonna Be?

So, Halloween is approaching and if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you would know that is my least favorite holiday.  You would also know I stopped attending the last church I went to because of a discussion about Halloween I had with the Pastor because they all believe Satan is going to jump out of the Halloween decorations and it is just asking him to come into your life by decorating your yard evil.  Good Gravy.  I’m a Believer in God and I think believing the way they do is total overkill.  I believe even God understands it’s all in good fun.  It’s how you live your life that matters, not having fun for a day.  It’s not like I am selling or doing drugs or illegal activities on that one day of the year and I am not even pretending to worship Satan by dressing up to be a Zombie, Ghoul, etc.

That is the one aspect I do enjoy at Halloween.  The dressing up and being in costume part.  I actually play the part of whatever character I’m dressed as when I go out karaokying.  When I was in elementary school, I dressed as a Milk Carton once and when we went door to door, I sang the “Time For Milk Commercial” song (first sentence anyway”) and my friend who was dressed as a Sorceress (I think) tapped the box with her wand.  We got a lot of candy tha year, if I remember correctly.

My best adult costumes have been The Grim Reaper, a ghoul eating an arm, Carrie, a Valley Girl and Octomom.  I made the Octomom costume myself and I actually carried all 14 children.  “Well, I couldn’t find a Baby Sitter!”  I learned something about my husband on that one.  I learned he absolutely HATES Nadia and he made me promise Never to do that costume again.  He is going to Knott’s this week and I told him to call me so I can watch him live on the internet when he goes into the maze, ‘End Games.’. ..but I digress:

Pregnant Nun

As you can see, I’ve also been a Pregnant Nun.  I don’t know why my baby turned out blue.

I don’t believe in dressing sexy for Halloween though and I think there are way to many ‘sexy” costumes out there.  You are just asking for trouble when you do that.  Just my  opinion.

So, do you dress up?  What was/is your best costume?  Ever won a prize?  I did once.  I won a mug set at a Costume Contest at a bar.  I’ve really been hoping for some money, though.

I would love to hear what you’ve been over the years and what you are planning to be this year.

I will do my usual and dress up as a Ghoul and sit out on the porch scaring the children while passing the candy.  If I do go out karaokying (doubtful), I am going as Ugly Betty this year.  That was an easy one for “just in case.”

Rejection of Giving

Here’s an idea.  If you don’t want help, Don’t be rude about it.  I just don’t understand people.

I drove by the park today and saw a homeless man sitting in the parking lot eating a Banana.  Yes, he was most definitely homeless with a bike and numerous bags and dirty clotes, etc.  Anyway, I drove in the lot and approached him with one of my Tote Bags filled with canned foods, soap, etc and offered it to him.  He actually said and I quote, “Take it away or I’ll throw it in the trash.”  When I asked him if he could tell me why he didn’t want it since it has food and I was only giving it to him because I care (I added lowly that God does too) he mumbled, then said again to “just take it”,  So, I said “Okay, but I tried.” and I took my bag  and drove away.

What weird feelings I have now.  First I thought, Fine..Let him starve, I don’t care.  Then, I thought.  Nooo, I can’t think like that.  Maybe I should pray for him.  But wait, he looks to be from another country..like an Arab.  Like a person who wanted to blow up the planes and buildings in 9/11.  Maybe he hates Americans.  Maybe he hates God.  Maybe he hates Charity or has Pride.  Maybe he hates Women.  I don’t think they think to highly of us in their country.

Whatever the case, I am not done helping those who are in need and are thankful to those of us who really care.

Prayer Request for God’s Word Continuance

Let me start by saying I am a Christian which means I am a Believer…a Follower of Christ.  I am Christ’s Daughter.  I do my best to follow his word..however:

I hope God forgives me for not having felt like nor been attending church lately.  I was raised in a Catholic Church where I was forced to attend every week.  We only missed if we were really sick.  I was turned off of Catholicism when a popular girl in the youth group became pregnant by a popular guy and everyone decided to have a baby shower for her.  It angered me because people like me who were following the rule of No sex before marriage were still being ignored; and it seemed as if this couple was being rewarded for sinning.

I stopped attending church for a few years after moving out of my parents house to see which religion I would be comfortable with since growing up in a Strict, Roman Catholic, family; I was not allowed to try other religions.  I chose Baptist and even got Baptised in that religion (to my mothers annoyance because as she kept claiming, “You are already Baptised in the Catholic church”.)   I stayed with a specific Baptist church for quite a few years until I began questioning a few of the things the Pastor was preaching.  I began investigating a few other Baptist churches and mentioned in confidence that I was trying out a few different places.  Needless to say, I was pushed out before I was actually ready to leave and would not feel comfortable returning to that church.  I have been attending a really good church on television.  I’ve even exchanged letters with the Pastor of this church.  For some reason, I have not been in the mood to sit through the programs for the past few weeks.  I don’t know why.  My mind is just not there.

I still have a personal relationship with God and I pray he will lead me back to his word soon.

If you are a Christian, will you please pray f or me?

What I Do

I feel so bad when people lose their homes and possessions due to fires, floods, etc. through no fault of their own.   I can’ t imagine if that happened to me.

For those that have been following for a while, you may know that I drop boxes off to those in that situation when I can.  I do not do this through The Red Cross or The Salvation Army nor any other organization.  I do this because I care.  Also, because I am a Christian and believe God calls us to love and care for one another in time of need.  I remember the first thing I ever sent to someone was a dress or skirt and a flower-pot.  My mother thought I was nuts.  She actually said, “Who would want a Flower Pot?” but, I said “You never know. They may have enjoyed gardening at one time.”  I used to read about a disaster and send a box marked ‘Fire Victim’ with a street name.  I soon started adding a card to see where my boxes wound up.  I’ve received some interesting thank-you notes.  I used to go to the same Postal Store all the time to mail my boxes.  The 911 hit and boxes will no longer be received without an actual street address.

I am now focusing more locally except when I can get the name of a church or charity accepting donations.

A few days ago, there was a fire at some apartments not far from me.  Quite a few families lost everything.  Today, I took a box over to the school that is the temporary shelter for them.  I waited in the parking lot for a few but not seeing anyone, I left.  I went to the actual apartments where some Security Guards told me that they are not even allowing The Red Cross back in anymore as they have already been there once and people do not want them going through their stuff.  They also informed me some people had gone to a local motel.  So, I went to said motel and talked to the girl at the desk.  As luck would have it, there was one person still there who had been involved in the fire.  She said she would deliver my box to said person.  I left it with her.  The person may be an actual family of people, you never know.

I have waited in parking lots before for over an hour before giving a box to someone in need, I have actually handed a box to someone who has come home to re-build, I have mailed quite a few.  It is what I do.

I pray for those in those situations. and if it were me in that situation, I would hope someone would do the same.

My Trial Is Being Sick

My P/C is back and e-mailed a copy of my latest blood results (from the 16th).   All is well, so  I am not going to stress over a Kidney Infection but I do believe I have a touch of the Flu.  I e-mailed him and asked him what he suggests I get over the counter.  I see no point in going in to see him if there is nothing he  can do.  I am so tired of this though.  Last night, I got a sudden, horrible stomach cramp and partially didn’t make it to the restroom..IBS Tpe.  Refer to an earlier entry so I don’t have to retype the crappy details.  I feel like a child when that happens.  So Gross!  Then my stomach just churned and churned so I took a Tums and  a Gas-X before I went to sleep. 

 The most I got done yesterday was putting away the Christmas decorations and e-mailing my nephew that I never received the present he sent.  There are so many things I want to do and places I want to go but whatever. 

I was sick so often as a child that sometimes as an adult I start to feel sorry for myself;  but that’s my life and that’s the main trial God has chosen me to go through for whatever reason.  You can’t always be happy with the trials he gives you but you have to at least accept them.