Health & Home

Wow, It seems like I haven’t posted in forever but that’s what happens when your stomach revolts from medication. So I went to the doctor with my usual sinus infection thing as my regular doctor wasn’t in. It sucked because my regular doc would have just called in Z-Pak and I probably would not have even had to see him. Anyway, this one puts me on Bactrim and Bactrim gave me diarrhea so bad that I was going all day and night. I swear, I think I lost another 2 pounds. This is not good. Needless to say, after 3 or so days of that crap (literally), I decide to quit that entirely. I called the doctor who suggested taking one more but I told her NO. The sinus infection is 90% better, and yesterday without the Bactrim, my body finally started to heal. Ugh.

It’s funny. I walk around this apartment complex and sometimes I glance in the windows of the other apartments and I think, Wow, people have really made their places homey. But, then I remember. THEY LIVE HERE!

This isn’t a vacation. WE LIVE HERE. FIREPIE, PETEY AND I. It is not going to just end and we are not going to go back to our lives before; Back to the family that we were when I was a wife and the animals would run to the door when their “daddy” would come home. My place is not homey because I have not put any pictures up at all. In my mind, I do not “live” here. This is not our home.

I remember a time before when we got to this point in the relationship and HE had said HE might want to separate temporarily and I had agreed to move out then. We had set the time for about 3-6 months or so. HE was going to stay in the house that time. I had gotten to the point of packing boxes. Somehow, in my mind, I did not think it was really over then..and it wasn’t. HE went to counseling before changing his mind. But, this time? You know the story.

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No Pill Refill?

How the heck am I supposed to re-gain the weight I need to with diarrhea and headaches? The diarrhea is probably caused by stress I’ve been under (not like I’ve been under any.) I wonder if grief and loneliness can bring on diarrhea. I’m sure a change in eating habits can. But, I told you. I’m getting back on track to eating right or at least the right amount.

I’m fighting with the docs today over my headache meds. I take two headache medications. Both of which I am almost out of. They won’t fill one as long as I continue to fill the other one since they are both for Migraine. I am almost out of pills. Seriously. I can’t pay without insurance because the one generic is still $1250. Guess I’ll be taking something I am not supposed to off the store shelves for the next month until I can get a refill. This is ridiculous.

Losing Weight..Bad Way For Me

If you’re looking for a few ways to lose weight, I have some. Separate from your husband of 12 years unexpectedly. During that time, cry almost every day and don’t eat meals when you are supposed to. It won’t be hard because you won’t be hungry. Your body will give you headaches and other pains, you will take pills for that pain and if you aren’t moving things around or focusing on something like the television to take your mind off reality, your trying to sleep without dreaming; which only works with drugs. As time goes on; your clothes start to become loose.

Within the last four weeks, I have lost four pounds. Yesterday, I noticed how loose my clothes were becoming so I bought some candy realizing I need those extra calories throughout the day. I just got on the scale this morning. I know I need to start eating again at regular intervals, as well as snacking. I also know I need to start tracking my food again. Stress is terrible for everyone’s immune systems but mine especially because of my disease and kidney transplant.

It will be a solid month on Friday since this occurred. That means I will have 8 more months in this apartment. Friday will mark a solid month of tears and lack of sleep and wonder and pain of what went wrong in my 12 year marriage to a man who loved me (I thought and believed) when we walked down that wedding aisle and said his vows in front of all our friends and family. The same day I sang his favorite song to him at the wedding reception, “I’ll Always Love You.” by Olivia Newton-John.

I am supposed to be drinking one Ensure Plus every day for dietary purposes. I may up that to two for a bit. I need to gain weight. I don’t care if I am eating candy. I know I need to eat more. I cannot wither away and make myself sick. My cat needs me, if nobody else does. I do have friends that still care about me.

Today, I will start again to get back on track physically. I will eat even if I’m not hungry. I may even start tracking my food again. I can’t do this to myself. If I do this to myself and my body, I will have let him win and proved that he was right, that I NEED someone to take care of me. Which I Don’t. I just need to get my emotions in check and start taking care of myself again. As the weight comes off, reality hits and it ain’t a pretty picture!

Thoughts of Men, Water, and Direction

Yesterday was Father’s Day. I chose not to dwell on that or even think about it really. My Father has been gone since 1995 and God wonders what he would think about this situation I’m in. I used to tell HIM how proud my Father would be that HE was such a good man and so good to me. My father would be so disappointed.

I thought about the men in my life. I haven’t had a lot of positive encounters with men. My brother means well but we are a generation a part and were not raised in the same time period. Our thought processes are much different.

I can’t compare relationships other then to say, they obviously did not work out for one reason or another..most in heartache brought on by the man and my reactions. And now this..

I bought some new water recently. I need to keep drinking a lot of water with my kidney issues, if I want the kidney to continue working correctly. This time I bought Mineral Water, which I love. I wonder if the changing of water type and taste will change the taste of my own tears; at least the salt content? Guess I will find out.

I can finally see the counter in the bathroom as I organize this place. So, that is saying something semi-positive, I guess. Or, at least I can say I am moving in the right direction.

Suffering Dog Guilt, But, It Was Best

I saw Petey when I dropped the stuff off for him yesterday. I feel so sad. He didn’t even bark at me when I showed up. That isn’t like him. He is 14 years old. This is a big change for him. He went from one family to another (us) and we loved him and spoiled him and I was home with him all the time and he slept with me. Now, he is alone all day while HE goes to work. This has to be a shock on the poor dog. He is 14 years old! I feel guilty today. I know HE loves that dog. I know HE will take care of him. I also know it was the best decision for me. But, I seriously hope the dog can adjust to this. HE won’t get another dog to keep Petey company, I don’t think. Petey had a cat for company before. Now, he has nobody while HE is at work, and this wknd HE is going away. I don’t even want to think about it.

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After the dog yesterday, I got the car washed, then went to Walgreens and picked up my prescriptions. I also ordered myself some food from The Gluten Free Mall. I’ve found most of the stores I go to such as Mothers, Whole Foods, Sprouts, etc. seem to be further away now so it’s better to just have most things delivered. I like to do that anyway and not deal with the hassle of people and aisles and carts and lines, etc. Plus, this way everything I can eat is all in one place and easier to get without contamination.

Physically, I am doing a bit better this morning. I am planning on going to the lab and then getting coffee and Starbucks for breakfast.

Still Sick and Thinking Realistically

Still sick which doesn’t surprise me. I could not do it and still talked on the phone.
I only have to take the dog stuff over today and that’s it since I have just re-scheduled my Psych appointment to next week. It’s a bad idea to see the Psych today when my body and head are already foggy, plus, I need to talk during those appointments.

HE won’t be there to drop off the dog stuff since HE is working.

I was thinking last night and yes, you (all of you) are correct. 2% is a number HE picked out of the air to give me for any hope of getting back together in the future because I need/needed one. He knows it would break my heart if he said Never. I’m not quite sure how far this goes back that he has been Serious about leaving me. I really believed some or most of his comments were in jest.

I keep saying I want to hold onto something. But, as you have pointed out, why hold onto someone who doesn’t love you? Because this is the man who once DID love me. This is the man who walked down the aisle with me swearing before God and the world that he would love me, “In Sickness and in Health Until Death Do Us Part!” This is the man that loved me enough to give me his kidney so I could live. Yet, somehow, there was a turn in his mind.

Maybe it’s because I am a woman but I plead, beg and search for a legitimate answer. Anything to tell me just what and when our lives went so very wrong. Seriously, I need to accept the reason that I was sick to much? That makes him sound very selfish and carries on the trend of almost all my previous relationships. Was he thinking of this before or after he wanted separate bedrooms because he said my nightmares and side effects from meds kept him awake?
I would be happier if I found a picture or any other evidence of him having had an affair because I would get an answer. I could connect the being sick to much and lack of sex to the affair and it would make sense.

What kills me is..there is no closure. Not in the divorce, separation sort of sense. I still need to get myself ready for that. In the whole reasoning sense. This is worse then every other break-up I’ve had because there have been reasons for those. Some of which were stupid.

He is very determined and stubborn. Usually when he sets his mind to something, he does it. If he has really set his mind that this is final, there is to be no 2 or any %. No matter how much I cry, beg or pray. I know I need to wrap my mind around that.

What you all need to understand is I can’t go one minute hearing I definitely want to separate, two weeks later in an apartment and BOOM! be Divorced! It is to much in one swoop. This is why I am taking time to digest all this and slowly face reality and all facts. Facts. Not reasons; because I can’t find anything legitimate. I am starting to understand (on my own) there is no hope for a future with him. The acceptance part has not exactly set in but it is coming; the preparedness in my head is starting. It is not HIM calling the shots, it is me.

I will always love him in my heart but I will never understand and to have no closure; No real reason, Other then to say “You are sick to much”, or “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m not in love with you” or “I don’t like responsibility” just doesn’t cut it. I would rather have something more specific.

I am/was not a clingy wife. I did not put boundaries on my husband. I did not set rules. I’ll always remember when he we had this conversation:

S: “After we get married, Am I still going to be able to play Basketball?”

Me: “What do mean? Are you going to break your arm?”

S. “Well, some guys are saying when you get married the girls change and don’t let you do anything anymore.”

Me.: “When you get married, you add to each others lives; not subtract from them. Of course you can still play Basketball and I will still Karaoke.”

So, HE played Basketball and Volleyball and Softball, I Karaoke and Write. We did things together. We went to movies, car rides, things that pertain to animals..like the zoo, gambling trips, etc. probably not as much as he would have liked due to my being sick. But, we did things.

Since I had health issues that affected our sexual life: I didn’t mind if he looked at porn on the computer. I gave him time and stayed in the other room; if he and a buddy wanted to go to a strip club once in a while it was fine. Although, I did notice it become a bit more current within the last few months.

I gave the man everything he wanted and in return he leaves after 12 years of marriage. Without giving me the one thing I really need. A legitimate, true, reason.

First Day of Laughter Since My Hell

Bad News-Sick Today. Guess my body is telling me to slow down and my throat is telling me to stop talking. I only had one errand which will have to wait until tomorrow. My appointment wasn’t until the afternoon tomorrow so I can do todays plan tomorrow morning.

In good news- Yesterday was actually a decent day with laughter. I think it was the first day of mostly laughter. Went to Ruby’s Diner for lunch with a friend. I asked the guy who took our drink order if he had a Gluten-Free menu and first he asked what Gluten-Free meant. That’s a normal question, and in my case it means I can’t eat wheat, which I told him. But, then he asked “Why?” I got thrown off. “Why?” Who asks that? My friend was like, “IBS” and I added, “Yeah, Bowel Issues, Stomach Problems.” He said he was sorry as he just wanted to know and would get the server who knew more then he did. He was a young guy, probably straight out of high school; but my friend and I cracked up. “Why?” How about, because I woke up one day and thought it would be fun to bug people who work in restaurants with making orders complicated and figuring out what and if I can eat anything in your restaurant. Anyway, I wound up ordering a Veggie Sandwich on a Gluten Free Hamburger Bun and some Garlic Fries. The Garlic Fries did have some vegetable oil in them but since I’ve already had some stomach issues lately, it’s not like it’s much worse and the sandwich/bun thing was excellent. But the bun was so big I could hardly get my mouth around it. (Quiet, Celaine!). I haven’t eaten in a restaurant or that much food for so long, I could only eat half so the other half is in my refrigerator for today.

Then, last night, I got re-acquainted with an old friend from years ago. Suffice it to say, this is a person of whom we have had falling outs over and over again but our friendship has always picked up where its left off. Needless to say, we talked on the phone for over two hours last night catching up. Even though he lives a different lifestyle and has never been married, talking to him can really keep me grounded. Even with our falling outs, he has been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life, he is sort of like a brother to me. I know our conversation has a lot to do with my being sick today only because it probably didn’t help to talk until 2 a.m. on the phone but it’s okay. It was worth it in the end.

So, my friend from years ago is back in my life, My friend C. will come over another day, My errand from of today will be done tomorrow, I have lots of soup and stuff, Petey is not here so I don’t have to get dressed and can lay around all day. Today will be a recovery day so I can continue on tomorrow.

Finally Getting Sleep…7th Day.

And on the Seventh day, God rested. Yeah, I know that was after he made the world and all was good but I’ll gloss over that part. I’ll fast forward to the rest because that’s what Firepie and I are going to do tonight and tomorrow, and tomorrow night, and maybe even Sunday night if HE will keep Petey that long.

Today-

My day started crying during a conversation over birds. I was talking to a friend about birds in her garden and how she watches them through the window and loves to feed them from the bird feeders. I used to do that every day. I would even give them old bread. That started a sob fest. She went on and on and changed it to Humming Birds. Thanks, now your reminding me of the Humming Birds I fed every day and the nest in the back of the house that could be hatching any day but I won’t get to see.

Then, it’s washing my hair which is supposed to cheer me up but it doesn’t because I love hot water but water has to be constantly adjusted to get the right temperature and doesn’t stay hot like it did at the house. I was spoiled before and could take nice, long showers. So, I cried and wondered where Norman Bates was when I needed him. “Gee Officer, I don’t know. I know she was very depressed but there was absolutely no way those knife cuts could have been done by herself.”

I dropped the dog off and HIS uncle was there fixing up the house. Which tells me HE is seriously getting ready to sell. I looked in the frig and got a bit annoyed that he had not even opened the mixed salad I had bought him I left. He used to eat some salad and salads are probably healther then some of the junk he is eating now. Yes, I left him a note but I won’t tell you everything written in it. I’ve decided to keep a few things between Him and I, and hold onto at least one little straw that I have, which is all I have for at least a little while longer. Even if the straw is only in my mind. Physically I really have accomplished a lot in 7 days and mentally, I have not had a nervous break-down but; if I have to drop that straw right this minute. I cannot guarantee anything.

Let me see if I can remember all or most of what I have done this week:

Physically moved into the apartment.
Started unpacking.
Started seeing a Psychologist
Sent new address info to friends, family, DMV, Voters Info and CDL Info, and Social Security/Disability Administration, had televisions, utilities, etc. installed, walked Petey almost continuously and trained him to at least pee on the patio, bought numerous extra things for the apartment including a Mattress Topper today and a new pillow because I’ve started having back pains the last few days on the new bed, changed checking account address information and received temporary checks, Put up the shower curtain with rings in bathroom.

All this amidst much mental anguish and crying and pain. Plus, mini breakdowns with Xanax as my answer + headache, weight loss, diarrhea, etc. some of which is due to not taking care of myself because I am very depressed and exhausted.

But, it is the 7th day. I bought a beautiful Fieldcrest Mattress Topper at Target. It looks soft. I also bought a soft pillow to sink into. Firepie and I will be alone and we plan to curl up and sleep. As soon as I got home at 4:50. I put my pajama’s on. I don’t have to go out again tonight and that feels good.

My Apartment Living Problems & Observations

I told Petey (and myself) I would never leave and abandon him when things got hard like HE did. However, I really am at a loss. I’m out at all hours of the morning and night walking him as he refuses to use the patio. Last night, I put his leash on and walked for an hour up and down the patio and he still held it. He won’t even urinate on the patio. Something about the smells, I guess. If I don’t find the answer soon, I will have to give Petey back to HIM and let HIM deal with it. Then, HE will have the responsibility of finding somewhere that has grass if he doesn’t keep the house. However, I haven’t actually made that decision yet. I am still seeking a solution. At least I am taking Petey to visit with HIM over the wknd so I can get some rest with only Firepie here. I know if that does happen, then I will wish I had moved closer to where my friends are because with only Fire; I could have found quite a few closer apartments, but, the rent is already paid in advance for 9 months and there is a penalty if you leave early. This is what HE was afraid of. But, we are still only separated in the talking sense so it makes mores sense to just stay here verses moving again right away anyway. I chose the 9 months so we could both figure things out. Nothing is figured out. Right now, I need to figure out the dog situation and the fact that due to this situation, I am getting absolutely no sleep.

When I moved into this apartment, it was being renovated. Now, there are some shoe scuff marks. I wear tennis shoes. So, I have to try to work on that today.

I haven’t really met my neighbors although I’ve talked to one (or a friend of one) and said Hi to a few. I’ve also observed how a few live. One neighbor above me runs the dishwasher or washing machine every night. Some apartments have washer/dryers (mine doesn’t) and some don’t, the neighbors across from me have a child, I think. I think the same neighbor is a Mexican woman who parks her car next to mine and speaks Spanish while talking on her cell phone and throwing trash on the ground. I talked to one gentlemen who warned me about parking inside the gate and told me to make sure you have a permit because he was towed after only 3 hours. Guests need to park outside or have a Visitors Pass to park inside Visitors Parking.

When I’m out early in the morning walking Petey, I can see people in business uniforms leaving their apartments going off to work.

9:16 a.m.- I just ordered a Dog Potty. It has fake grass on top and leaks into a pan. This better work. It’s basically a dog litter box. He mainly needs to use it at night and early morning or when I’m sick. But, now I get more responsibility of emptying the pan when he goes. Oh well, I’m not the one who didn’t want responsibility. I am just tired and stressed. Plus, Petey is barking at the gardeners. I’m trying to break him of that. It’s hard. He did this at home. He doesn’t like them near our house. I started yelling at him this morning. I can’t yell at him. We are in an apartment. A new place. New gardeners. New smells. I’m a bad mother.

Important Question!..

Will someone in the medical field please answer the following question:

Has the law changed and do they automatically test for STD’s during a physical or do you have to ask for it?

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