“He’s Abandoned Me..Love Don’t Live Here Anymore”

I knew I was in trouble today when I started looking up Gluten-Free Alcohol on the internee. I don’t drink anymore due to all my meds and haven’t in over a year. So, instead I had another crying attack and took a Xanax. Every day. Every day, I need one Xanax. Just one. My one a day happy pill. If that’s a horrible addition, to bad. At this time, I need it. Sometimes, it gets terrible. Sometimes, I want God to take me away. Sometimes I want to wake up from this horrible, awful nightmare and I want my husband back.

We bought furniture today. We also bought a refrigerator. No, he bought furniture today and refrigerator that I picked out. Then, I went to Target and got more stuff. Moving is expensive. Over $800.00 today alone. Wednesday, I actually sign the lease, the change of address card has been put in, the utilities are scheduled to start, the moving truck and furniture delivery is scheduled for Friday. Furniture arrangement is being discussed, cable options are being looked into, every room in the house is being gone through meticulously. Keep this.. Sell this..This is his. My Nightmare Dream is getting closer.

The diarrhea continues, I’m getting nauseated, I eat on auto-pilot, I can hardly sleep. He says he doesn’t love me anymore. I want to shake him. “Do something! Love Me Again!” “Stop this Sh It! I don’t want to do this. I want to crawl into a ball and cry or die or sleep.

And, that’s the only excuse now. “I just don’t love you anymore. I told you we could live as friends, but you don’t want to do that.” NO! I don’t want to do that. This isn’t t.v. I don’t want a roommate situation. I want a husband and wife relationship. Most every time you run out of something.. you get a refill of the same thing but it sounds like the refills are up too.

Good-Night
I’ll be in touch soon.

With Or Without Him

When I am with him, I am okay. Because he acts as if nothing has changed. We are friendly to each other. I can’t fight with him. There is no reason to. I don’t know why I still buy him food and do his laundry. Yes, I do because the mindset is not here yet. However: the packing goes on. We will be separating but without legal separation papers at first because that costs money and as he said, “If we do that; we may as well just get the divorce.” but, we can’t get the divorce due to medical insurance.” At least, not yet. Maybe in 9 months, he will have had a raise or maybe I will know where/if I am going. I may like the apartment so much; I’ll want to keep renting.

I think my headaches have decreased a bit because he is still here. It has only semi-hit. Like a compact car verses a big-rig. However, my stomach is in knots big time. Crazy diarrhea. I thought it was my diet which could play a factor as I was just starting to keep track again like I was supposed to, but it’s a combination of everything, I think. I know stress can play havoc on your body.

I am praying to hear from the apartments today with the approval of everything and the actual date finalized. In actuality, we only paid for the credit check. They are doing a thorough background investigation. In the meantime, there was a 2nd apartment that was perfect as far as location, amenities and square footage. They had said one would be available on the 8th or sooner. If they called tomorrow and said one was available; I may change my mind due to location purposes. But, they won’t. They aren’t even listed online anymore. This is stress talking. This is so freaky going to a new place, being in limbo and not knowing when, knowing I am going on my own,

I just took the dog to the vet a few days ago but I think I may have to take him again. He seem to be whining and curling himself up which he does when he back starts to bother him, plus, he is scooting and needs an anal express. The vet know the situation, I’m in. Maybe they can just give him some hydrocortisone without an office visit. They’ve done it before.

Marriage Is Forever..Until.

Marriage is forever..until it’s not. It get’s hard. So, he walks away.

In my case, it was the sickness and health that did it. I’m to sick. It’s True! I was born sick. I’ve always been sick. I was sick with a virus or something when he proposed. During the first 3 months we dated I got sick, I had an Appendectomy, and my cat died. But, he said he still loved me and even though I joked and said I might bring him bad luck, he said we would only have good luck after.

Two years later, I was diagnosed with Kidney Failure. I needed a transplant. He was the first one tested. He was my perfect match. Now, I’m on Immunosuppressant’s. Things aren’t better. I’m sick all the time. Every cough, flu, cold.. I get it. IMMUNOSUPPRESSANT’S suppress the immune system. You are very susceptible to getting sick. There ya go.

Time passes. I have stomach issues Guess what? I’m wheat intolerant! I guess I’ll go on a gluten-free diet. That helps quite a bit. That cuts down on a lot of our restaurant choices. I’m a Migraine Sufferer and they are getting worse. The seasons, foods, I don’t know why. The doctors keep changing my meds. The meds make me sleep or sick. I NEED help. My husband took me to the hospital a few times for a week to two at a time for headaches, he also took me for fecal issues (gross, I know.), I had to get back on the formula I was on when I was a child due to my metabolic disorder. They think that might help my stomach issues. It may have a little bit but I still have issues. Probably always will. I’ve had an Anal Fissure. I’ve had it removed via surgery. Now, I am going to have a Hysterectomy soon because I have a Vaginal Prolapse? Sex isn’t because of pain. BUT, I’m seeing doctors. I’m waiting for referrals. I’m trying to get help. So:

It isn’t me, it’s him. He doesn’t want to be married anymore. He doesn’t want to take care of me. He doesn’t want responsibility. He doesn’t like hospitals. He isn’t happy. He is willing to stay friends. He wants out.

We are looking at apartments. I will be moving soon. I am taking the animals. My emotions are a mess. How can it be so easy to just walk away because things get hard? What kind of person does this? Where did my husband go? They need to have Separation Ceremonies and Divorce Ones as well like they do Marriage, so people will take their vows more seriously.

Marriage is forever..until it’s not.

He Comes Home Today

My husband is coming home today and as expected, I got nothing done this wknd except laundry and working on my book a bit. It was a Smother’s Day Movie Marathon on Channel 150-Time Warner, so I did watch quite a few movies and I didn’t go anywhere due to not just energy/headache reasons; but also the fact that my transmission is slipping and I would really prefer my husband be local, should anything happen.

My husband forwarded a picture of his Mom and his Aunt so I could see them. It is sad how much weight his Aunt has gained. She used to be big before but… plus, her hair is so short, it is not attractive. I think she lost it big time when her mother died recently.

One thing I learned from the picture, (actually I knew this) if you are a large woman, I don’t recommend wearing splashes of color. At least in this case, it made her look like a Circus Tent.

Anyway, I guess it’s a cleaning frenzy today to see what I get accomplished before my Hero returns.

Watching A Hunger Show While Eating- So Wrong

Yesterday, I was watching a ‘Feed The Children.’ program and I got hungry, so I took a break and made dinner and ate it while watching the rest of the show. This seems like a sin. These shows are showing starving people in other countries but its talking about food, so it made me hungry. Plus, it showed rice. Seriously wrong, I know.

I wonder if I hadn’t been born sickly and if I didn’t have all these health issues..just what I might have been in the long run? I’ve always wondered if I could have been one of those people who worked and lived in one of those countries or in a Mission somewhere serving people in need. I could see myself living with or near the homeless and destitute, and offering food and clothing and hope.

Sometimes, I wonder what my purpose really is.

Today is Mother’s Day, My Mother-In-Law’s Birthday, and our 12th Anniversary!

My mother has been deceased for the last 3 years, and I think I’ve decided to pretty much stay away from the Facebook posts about Mother’s Day and the WordPress ones also. I called my Mother-In-Law and wished her a Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day, and as for my Anniversary; this is the first one a part.

Different Mind-Set & Phone Book Done

I am doing two posts today at least, because this one is on my mind.

I wanted to clarify something about me and my husband. My husband and I have a great relationship. We are not attached at the hip like most couples and I am actually glad he got some time away.

However, it is a different mind-set knowing the reason he is gone. I hope this makes sense. When he is gone on a work trip or out with his buddies somewhere, I don’t feel at a loss a much. This was a vacation that we had both planned to celebrate our Anniversary and his mother’s Birthday. Of course, this is also our yearly trip. I chose a good reason not to go this time. (I woke up with a terrible headache this morning which is increasing.)

It is a bit unnerving to be alone in this house, when he is so far away. It is 1300 sq. feet which seems big. I do get comfort in knowing I have my Watch-Dog and cat with me. I look forward to moving to a Mobile-Home community where I would feel safer in these situations. I don’t know why. Maybe because neighbors houses are closer so you can call for help and also because when I am feeling well; I could walk to the pool and/or clubhouse or whatever. Plus, even though my husband wants more square footage in the next place; the way a Mobile Home is built, it does not feel bigger. They all feel more compact. I think if you take a room away. It just helps with the smaller area feeling.

Anyway, yesterday, I spent the entire day updating our new phone-book. I’d ordered it last year, I think, or maybe the beginning of this one. Both, my husband and I got tired of the old one falling apart and having scraps of paper with numbers falling out. I also watched television all day which probably isn’t good for a headache sufferer but there were some good movies on.

I think I may use this as a log of what I accomplish while he is gone.

*Don’t forget today is the Stamp-Out-Hunger-Food-Drive. If every household left 1 can of food, it would really make a difference in the lives of others.

Could Marijuana Help? (+ other topics)

I woke up yesterday coughing, sore throat, headaches, etc. the works. Good thing I already have an appointment scheduled with my Primary today for a consult re: my headaches.

It’s looking more and more like our 12th Anniversary is going to be spent here with me alone with the animals and my husband in Vegas with his Aunt and Mother. Honestly, it will probably be better that way, this year. When I feel decent; I actually do enjoy being alone. I have these visions that I am going to be like Mary Poppins and thoroughly clean the house from top to bottom and it is going to be sparkling and shiny, but alas, that never works because the shredding alone is overwhelming.

I think I’ll just call and cancel Firepie’s boarding reservation + let our pet sitter know. I really don’t see drastic changes in the next four days. Plus, even if I did start feeling better, I would probably get worse again as soon as we got there or home; what with all the smoke, noise, etc.

Back to the headache note: I wonder if Marijuana can help headaches. I think it is legal here (at least with a doctors note). I may look into it. I can’t imagine smoking it, but I remember saying I could not imagine giving myself a shot either and now I have no problem with that. I doubt that’s an option the doctor will discuss with me today, but you never know.

UnRavel Travel Plans

Tonight may be short because I am tired.  Good thing this has spell check.  Yesterday I was down all day with headaches, vomiting and chills.  fun.  I begged my husband to come straight home from work.  Sometimes when you are crawling on the floor in pain you just can’t make it to the kitchen for solid food.  Luckily, he did and I finally got down some Cranberry Juice and some soup before getting some sleep.  Oh yes, pain meds all day.

I am thinking I need a new Neurologist or some other type head specialist.  Maybe I need to start from scratch with another MRI. to see if someone see’s anything at all that could be causing these headaches.  I take so many meds I could open a pharmacy and I don’t think the Botox worked at all.

Anyway, I don’t think I am going to Vegas for our Anniversary.  I am seriously dreading the trip.  It is on Mother’s Day wknd.  We were going to meet my husbands mother there and she already paid for her plane ticket so my husband is still going.  We also had it set to pick up his aunt for the drive too and if we don’t do go we will leave her in a lurch.  H should go even if I don’t.

Now, I’ll have to call the hotel and find out if I can change the reservation into his name instead of mine only or put both our names on it in case so we don’t lose the room.  Maybe he can just bring my credit card or something.  We both have the same last name.  I don’t want him to be out of a room because of my stupid situation.

Wknd People Observations

The wknd was nice to a point where I actually got out and went the mall to Victoria’s Secret to buy some bra’s.  Just in time because I’d received my new card and a $10.00 off card.  That is one item I do not buy often so I will not buy a cheap, ill-fitting one.  I also got a gift for a friend who just had to have her cat put down.  Long, sad story..I don’t want to get into.  However:

No, this person does not read my blog (at least I hope not and has never mentioned so) so, I can say this:  After having a long chat with her on the phone about her life and how it was going, I got to thinking about something.  She and her husband have a two (almost two) year old and receive Wic.  He works full-time and she just started a part-time job.  She mentioned that she cannot go  to full-time employment because then she would lose Wic assistance and she doesn’t want to do that.  Isn’t Wic supposed to be a temporary program until people get back on their feet?  How old are the children before the Wic program gets cut off?  Isn’t the goal to want to improve your life and get off of such a system (like food stamps) if possible verses staying on it?

Now, before you compare it – Yes, I am on Disability.  However, I do have a (many) disabilities.  There is no way I could possibly hold a job with how often I am in bed with debilitating headaches, sore throats, viruses, etc.  I do not know from one night to the next if we can even go to dinner.  It’s a big difference and a completely different issue to live with actual chronic pain.

Anyway, I also went to IHOP with my husband and his friend for dinner on Saturday.  It’s amazing how my stomach remains fine when I get what I can eat.  The only thing I can eat there is Strawberry Crepes made with eggs only and whipped cream on top.  Yum.  Plus, the hash browns are okay because they cook them with butter.

My husbands’ friend moved sold his mobile  home and moved into a new apartment.  His live-in girlfriend?, friend? (not sure what the relationship) of what seems like forever is in a rehab/care facility and probably will be for the rest of her life.  I don’t exactly remember why.  I know she just cannot walk hardly at all anymore and has numerous other health issues.  (I used to visit her but after mom died, I just don’t really go to those places anymore.  But, I digress.)   Anyway, his place is nice.  It’s in a Sr. Apartment Complex.  I was just surprised that after all those years together (over 20), there wasn’t one picture of them together.  Yes, he is all unpacked and set up.  This was not just a roommate type situation, as, he still goes to visit her every day.

Botox Experience & Reclusive Contentment

I had my first set of Botox injections yesterday.  By set, I mean like 10-12 or more.  I don’t know.  They were in my head.  Heck, I think I’m already brain damaged.  What is he doing?

I told the doc most of my pain is on the left side so guess where he gave most of the injections?  Yep.  The needles are actually smaller then acupuncture needles, however, there is medicine involved and you can feel the medicine go in.  At first, it felt like bug-bites.  No problem.  Then, he hits the nerves in my scalp right where the pain points are.  Yikes.  When I was laying on my stomach and he hit a point on my scalp I think I made some weird, moaning, dying noise or something and he asked if he was hurting me.  I’m like, “That one did.”  Anyway, I asked about side effects and he sort of dissed them.  But, I’ve read about them.  The headache side effects really weren’t to bad.  A little Acetaminophen w Codeine kicked it.  I do have bumps all over my head at the injection sites and my head is a little sore when moving it..but all in all I think this one is okay.  It will take about 3 days to kick in and IF it works; it should last for about 3 months.  Now, this will not take my headaches/Migraines away but it should cut them down.  Wow, maybe I will wake up and go to bed without a headache for  a while.  That would be a dream come true for me.  Oh yes, the doctor also mentioned Botox helps wrinkles.  Everyone keeps bringing that up.  That’s great.  What are you implying?  I really think wrinkles are the least of my worries right now.

When I mentioned to my sister on the phone that I am becoming a Recluse and I am actually enjoying it; she sounded sad.  Is there a reason why we should not enjoy our own company?  Do we really need to feel sorry for those that choose to be anti-social?  I think it’s the fact that I am sick so much.  Outside stimulation can just cause me to get sick a lot more, so it’s almost worthless for me to do it.  I have most everything I need here at home.  I do think maybe if we move to a mobile home (yes, we are back to discussing that.) and maybe  if I can get these headaches under control; my feelings may change a bit and I may want to get out a bit more then I do now.  But in the meantime; I am content where I am.