Time Ticks Slowly

Everyone says; “you need to get out and go places, see friends, etc” but it’s not that simple. Example: I was invited to a party for the 4th of July. I could/did not go to said party for a few reasons. I live to far away from the friends that had it and I could not leave my dog alone (even with the cat) without a dog door in the apartment. Also, he is afraid of Fireworks. Despite it being a warm night, I closed the slider and turned on fans and we watched movies. I was surprised as, living closer to Disneyland, the fireworks were muffled and not half as bad as expected. As for everyone’s advice, sometimes I wish they lived in my shoes for a while; and while I know some of you have been through the same or close to the same situations, it is NOT the same. It is NEVER the same. You are not me and never will be. You were not married to the same man.

I don’t know how much longer I will beat myself up with how much I loved this man. Although a bit selfish, HE seemed so kind and almost perfect from the time we met. Heck, his family described him all the time as being perfect. He could do no wrong. I was shocked when he actually made a U-turn at a No-U-Turn Sign and went Illegal Street Racing.

He cared for me enough to keep me alive with a Kidney Donation. (Why is that, if you really don’t love the person anymore?), he would go to restaurants at times that he didn’t want to since I am gluten-free and he would go out of his way to pick up MY food when I could not eat what he did.

Of course, those were things one does during a marriage.

I miss his witty humor, I miss touching him, I miss singing karaoke songs to him in the restaurant and embarrassing him since it was so easy to do. (he hates surprises and getting embarrassed). I miss being a wife and caring for the one I loved.

There is a saying about time healing all wounds, but I just don’t know.

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Thoughts of Men, Water, and Direction

Yesterday was Father’s Day. I chose not to dwell on that or even think about it really. My Father has been gone since 1995 and God wonders what he would think about this situation I’m in. I used to tell HIM how proud my Father would be that HE was such a good man and so good to me. My father would be so disappointed.

I thought about the men in my life. I haven’t had a lot of positive encounters with men. My brother means well but we are a generation a part and were not raised in the same time period. Our thought processes are much different.

I can’t compare relationships other then to say, they obviously did not work out for one reason or another..most in heartache brought on by the man and my reactions. And now this..

I bought some new water recently. I need to keep drinking a lot of water with my kidney issues, if I want the kidney to continue working correctly. This time I bought Mineral Water, which I love. I wonder if the changing of water type and taste will change the taste of my own tears; at least the salt content? Guess I will find out.

I can finally see the counter in the bathroom as I organize this place. So, that is saying something semi-positive, I guess. Or, at least I can say I am moving in the right direction.

Asking For Encouragement

yesterday was the 6th anniversary of my kidney transplant.  I am so thankful to my wonderful husband for donating his kidney to me.  Kidney-wise, I’ve been doing well.

I went for a blood test yesterday also because according to my doctor at Cedars, I may have a gene that affects my immune system which is why I seem to get sick like every 2-3 weeks.  It is so annoying to get a sore throat, cold, etc.  ALL the time.  If I have a low part of my immune system; they can send me for an I.V. infusion of some type for like four hours twice. (not twice a week, but he said twice… I’m not quite sure how often.) in order to pump up my immune system.  I am sort of hoping they find something and we can do this.

My next step after that health-wise is a Hysterectomy.  I am semi-young but am having problems in that regard.  I just need clearance from a few of my other doctors which I am working on.

Enough health talk – I started writing my book again, basically from scratch.  I am following from old diary notes and memory.  I am changing all names and a few of the details.  I may write it as factual first and then see what exactly to change.  My problem is this is really tough on my mind and I really need motivation to continue.  I have wanted to do this for a while.  I believe it will help others in the same type situations..maybe to realize how people can change from being good to suddenly gaining control without you even realizing.

Unfortunately, I am the type of person that needs people to ask, “How is your book going?”  “Are you still writing?”  or say things like, “You can do it.”  I would like to request this type of help from my friends on Facebook but I don’t know how to ask for this type of encouragement.

Helping A Stone Pass

Well, I chose a Urologist and have an appointment scheduled this Friday for a consultation.  My husband is taking the day (at least morning) off work and going with me.  The appointment is in Long Beach but after that I can start going to the  office which is closer to my house.

I’ve been reading about the passing of Kidney Stones and making the process easier and I know about not eating extra salt ( I usually don’t) but lately I’ve been snacking on Pumpkin Seeds which I probably should not or won’t be allowed to have anymore  so I had my last serving today.  I also read about needing more vegetables or vegetable juices and more WATER!  I don’t know why I have such a hard time drinking water.  We drink Arrowhead which is my favorite water, and we even have Perrier which I like, but I still have a hard time.

It isn’t so much that it’s water.  It’s any fluid actually.  I guess it’s the fact that drinking a lot of fluid makes me go to the restroom so often and I am in there so often anyway..it’s just completely annoying.

Next Step = Urologist

So, I talked to my Nephrologist and finally got it clarified that I have a Kidney Stone on my transplanted Kidney.  I had a Kidney Transplant 5 years ago.  He told me to contact Cedars-Sinai where I originally had the Transplant done as they may want to do a Systoscopy?  He also originally acted/talked like it was no big deal since it is a “small stone and not blocking anything.”  I told him I am in pain and had to ask him exactly in what area is the stone located.  He should have just offered that information..but of course he had to yell for his receptionist to check while we were on the phone.

Anyway, I called Cedars who said I need to see a Urologist about this so that is the good news anyway.

Now, it’s in God’s hands ans whichever Urologist is chosen on where we go from here.

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