PETEY DID IT!!!

HE DID IT! Petey pee’d on the patio! This is a break through. I used a combination of things people were suggesting including taking him out for the last time around 9:30 and not leaving much water down for the rest of the night. I also left him out for an hour or so at a time a few times during the day while feeling guilty as he would only whine and lay down and look at me. But, this morning at 5, I woke up and put him out for a few knowing he had to go and went in the other room. When I got back, there was a big, fresh puddle on the patio. He did it! I was/am so proud. I immediately canceled the Dog Litter Box purchase. Having had a kidney transplant and being immuno-suppressed, I know it really isn’t good for my immune system to be cleaning litter boxes all the time, and I already deal with Firepie. Petey can do it and that is what matters.

As for yesterdays post, I sincerely hope HE doesn’t hate me now. I really hope HE understands my reasoning. I know HE can be impulsive. I really hope my requests for privacy (minus important communication) doesn’t backfire and make him step away further and quicker.

I also got to thinking, what if I can’t do this? Keep the boundaries, I have set. I’m sure we will be friendly to each other during the garage sale (whenever that may be) but other then that, it is hard to explain how much this rule I have made is killing me. Before we got married, we were friends.

It’s only been 6 days and I still (will I always?) think as his wife. I wonder if he has clean laundry. I wonder if his food supply is starting to run low. In my heart, I want to do his laundry and mine together when I drop off Petey tomorrow. But, I AM NOT DOING THAT! As a matter of fact, I am not even doing my laundry there. Which is another issue because I’m not sure I want to do it here either. They have nice laundry rooms but if I go to a nearby laundry mat, I could just stay there and read a book or watch t.v. until it is all done completely.

Today, I am planning on getting more boxes unpacked and putting my shower curtain rod and curtain up. I may not want to think of this place as home, but I still need to deal. I haven’t washed my hair in over a week, I’m avoiding doing laundry on the property because if I start doing laundry on the property I am admitting that I live here. (refer to above paragraph). I need to call and write some doctors and let them know what is going on soon too, and soon I need to get re-started on some of my medical procedures. Today, I also need to pay bills, buy stamps, and make sure Petey has a can of food to visit his dad this wknd.

I really hope this wknd won’t screw him up on his using the patio and HE remembers not to let Petey use the Dog Door.

Home of Broken Heart

I don’t know how to-do this. I don’t know how to not be a friend to the man I love. I don’t know how to not be the wife that I want to be. I don’t know how to be mean or not care. I texted him today. I should NOT do that! As someone pointed out, I have contacted him every day since we parted. But, it’s only been two days. The move was on Friday. I haven’t seen him. Seriously, I don’t know how to do this!

He asked me today for his mothers address since I have the Address Book but then I re-thought it. He can call her. He needs to ask his friends/family for that information. He didn’t/doesn’t want a wife anymore. He said he loves me but isn’t in love with me. That’s lame.

Anyway, my internet and t.v. is connected. Okay, one t.v. is connected. I have to buy a plug thing that holds more then one plug. I had one. I had two. The guy used one and I had the other in my hand but I put it down somewhere and I can’t find it. I looked all over but I don’t know where it is. The guys said it was okay but I started to cry. It’s not okay. It may never be okay again. My husband doesn’t love me. I had to be mean and didn’t give him his moms address (that was later in the day), I cant find the stupid, plug thing. Firepie barfed on the carpet this morning.

I went to the Counselor/Therapist, whatever this afternoon. I don’t think I will be going to that one anymore. The drive was crazy. It took me in like circles. I don’t like driving anyway especially in traffic. The drive was to long and I went by at least 3 places, he and I had gone to together. A furniture store where we looked for (purchased?) our sofa for the Living Room at the house, restaurants, Knott’s Berry Farm. I gave hin a shirt that he wore to Knott’s Berry Farm and he looked just like Charlie Brown. It was really cool. I don’t want to drive by there every time I go to the Therapist.

I got tons of boxes unpacked and you can almost see the whole Kitchen/Living Room. And, last night I watched Hoarders on dvd trying to get some normalcy in the situation. Because that’s what I would have done at home (the other place). I still have a hard time calling this place home because like my friend said, “Home is where the heart is.” and my heart is where my husband is, but, at the moment, he doesn’t love me anymore. So, my heart is broken.

“He’s Abandoned Me..Love Don’t Live Here Anymore”

I knew I was in trouble today when I started looking up Gluten-Free Alcohol on the internee. I don’t drink anymore due to all my meds and haven’t in over a year. So, instead I had another crying attack and took a Xanax. Every day. Every day, I need one Xanax. Just one. My one a day happy pill. If that’s a horrible addition, to bad. At this time, I need it. Sometimes, it gets terrible. Sometimes, I want God to take me away. Sometimes I want to wake up from this horrible, awful nightmare and I want my husband back.

We bought furniture today. We also bought a refrigerator. No, he bought furniture today and refrigerator that I picked out. Then, I went to Target and got more stuff. Moving is expensive. Over $800.00 today alone. Wednesday, I actually sign the lease, the change of address card has been put in, the utilities are scheduled to start, the moving truck and furniture delivery is scheduled for Friday. Furniture arrangement is being discussed, cable options are being looked into, every room in the house is being gone through meticulously. Keep this.. Sell this..This is his. My Nightmare Dream is getting closer.

The diarrhea continues, I’m getting nauseated, I eat on auto-pilot, I can hardly sleep. He says he doesn’t love me anymore. I want to shake him. “Do something! Love Me Again!” “Stop this Sh It! I don’t want to do this. I want to crawl into a ball and cry or die or sleep.

And, that’s the only excuse now. “I just don’t love you anymore. I told you we could live as friends, but you don’t want to do that.” NO! I don’t want to do that. This isn’t t.v. I don’t want a roommate situation. I want a husband and wife relationship. Most every time you run out of something.. you get a refill of the same thing but it sounds like the refills are up too.

Good-Night
I’ll be in touch soon.

Botox Experience & Reclusive Contentment

I had my first set of Botox injections yesterday.  By set, I mean like 10-12 or more.  I don’t know.  They were in my head.  Heck, I think I’m already brain damaged.  What is he doing?

I told the doc most of my pain is on the left side so guess where he gave most of the injections?  Yep.  The needles are actually smaller then acupuncture needles, however, there is medicine involved and you can feel the medicine go in.  At first, it felt like bug-bites.  No problem.  Then, he hits the nerves in my scalp right where the pain points are.  Yikes.  When I was laying on my stomach and he hit a point on my scalp I think I made some weird, moaning, dying noise or something and he asked if he was hurting me.  I’m like, “That one did.”  Anyway, I asked about side effects and he sort of dissed them.  But, I’ve read about them.  The headache side effects really weren’t to bad.  A little Acetaminophen w Codeine kicked it.  I do have bumps all over my head at the injection sites and my head is a little sore when moving it..but all in all I think this one is okay.  It will take about 3 days to kick in and IF it works; it should last for about 3 months.  Now, this will not take my headaches/Migraines away but it should cut them down.  Wow, maybe I will wake up and go to bed without a headache for  a while.  That would be a dream come true for me.  Oh yes, the doctor also mentioned Botox helps wrinkles.  Everyone keeps bringing that up.  That’s great.  What are you implying?  I really think wrinkles are the least of my worries right now.

When I mentioned to my sister on the phone that I am becoming a Recluse and I am actually enjoying it; she sounded sad.  Is there a reason why we should not enjoy our own company?  Do we really need to feel sorry for those that choose to be anti-social?  I think it’s the fact that I am sick so much.  Outside stimulation can just cause me to get sick a lot more, so it’s almost worthless for me to do it.  I have most everything I need here at home.  I do think maybe if we move to a mobile home (yes, we are back to discussing that.) and maybe  if I can get these headaches under control; my feelings may change a bit and I may want to get out a bit more then I do now.  But in the meantime; I am content where I am.

Everyone Is A Doctor

Isn’t it amusing when you tell someone you have a medical problem (such as headaches)  and suddenly everyone gets out their medical degree and puts on their uniform and gives you advice?.

I called to return a Therapeutic Pillow I ordered which was supposed to be good for headaches, I thought.  However, I am a side sleeper and it has a crease in the center and is meant more for back sleepers.  One of the Customer Service Reps had called the other day telling me of the return policy.  So, I am talking to the girl on the phone and I mention I am a Migraine Sufferer and the pillow is not helping.  She says, “Are you drinking enough water?  My daughter gets migraines but it’s because she doesn’t drink enough water.”  You ever feel like smacking someone through the phone.  I know she meant well.  But relay.  That’s the solution!  None of the doctors in the world can figure this out and it’s my water intake??  I don’t think so.

Then, on Facebook (although I know well-meaning) I find recipe’s from friends for smoothies or drinks to help with headaches and articles about food triggers.  Gosh, it could be food triggers?  Really?  Yes, I know most of my food triggers.  I love Pumpkin Seeds and Cheese but I try to stay away from them especially when I am having bad headache episodes.       I’m already on a gluten-free diet and I have to eat.  My doctors and I both keep track of my diet record.  Thanks for helping point out the idea of food triggers.

Needless to say, I would be shocked should a friend or stranger figure out a solution to this problem when the doctors can’t.

If someone tells you they are sick with headaches, or any aches, try saying, “I’m sorry or “I”ll  pray for you.”  and leave it at that.  It really does help, just  to know you care.

Making Time For Pain, and Life.In Between

So, I had my IVIG Infusion on the 20th for the Hypogammagobulynemia and it did last 6 hours.  The process itself was not to bad.  It was a basic I.V. and I drank a lot of water and watched a few movies.  The nurse that came was really friendly.  As a matter of fact, I think she talked a bit to much.  I was glad my husband was home because we had to lock up my cat in another room and she cried and cried so he would close my door and let her out once in a while.

The Hellish part came afterward.  That same night the headaches hit.  As you all know, I am a headache sufferer anyway and these were intense.  I mean Intense!  They would slam on sharply and cause nausea.  Needless to say, I was up crying and taking meds and even vomiting (once) along with dry heaves until 3:30 in the morning.  I was actually thankful we don’t have a gun in the house because you just want the pain to end at a time like that.  (No, I would not do that.  I don’t believe in it.).  Anyway, the next day was pretty much drugs and sleep and today I made it to the postal store and to Walgreen’s before some more meds and Yes, more sleep.  My husband had taken the day off too.  I really am a sucky or sicky wife.

I have my first Botox treatment on Thursday.  I sure pray I don’t have headache side effects from that.  I seriously don’t now if I can handle anymore.

In other news., I mentioned I went to the Postal Store today.  That’s because someone posted on Facebook about someone needing help due the flooding in Indiana.  It always makes me feel good to be able to send a Care Package to someone who really needs it verses going through the organizations such as Red Cross, Salvation Army, etc.

So, I got a box together and got it out.  I’m sure he can share what he can’t use with friends and neighbors who also suffered loss.

It feels good to know that between my pain bouts;  I could still do a good deed for someone else.

Weather Changes Cause Pain

Well, Crap, Crap, Crapitty-Crap, My head hurts.  I woke up at 5:30 with a Migraine and took my pills.  I don’t want to take another set and sleep for 3-4 hours a stretch.  I could try the other pills that I know work and sleep only one hour this time.  Ugh!  It is raining this morning which is not helping.  Every time we have a severe weather change, my head freaks out.  Guess I’ll have to eat in a few and take something and lay down again.  I  believe  I am going for one of the stronger ones this time.  I don’t care.  I don’t want the entire day wasted again.

In other news, yesterday was headache-free and I got a bit done.  I actually wrote on my book.  I can hardly believe how much hope I had when I lived with that Ex.  I was in La-La-Land firmly believing everything was going to get better and it was going to be the perfect relationship.  Oh, what a silly, naïve, innocent thing I was.

I need to buy some more gluten-free food but I don’t want to go grocery shopping.  To the websites I go.  Yeah, I know shipping gets expensive but whatever.  There are so many different sites and maybe I can get some food shipped from the grocery store itself which may be cheaper.

That’s it today (at least right now), I think I’m rambling.

And The Nomination Doesn’t Go To… (My Feelings)

On my last MRI, they’d found white spots and weren’t sure what they were.  Lately, I’ve been reading about white patches in the brains of people who suffer from Migraines.  There ya go.

I contacted my Neurologist yesterday who adjusted my meds.  However, last night before adjusting them; I had horrible, sharp, stabbing pain (almost like an earache) from the left side; which literally made me cry every time it hit.  I thought I would need to go see my Primary today, but surprisingly, I feel better.  I tried the Neurologist’s medication adjustment before bed.  It seems like I get 3 days of pain to 2 days of no pain a week.

Sorry, if these last two entries haven’t kept  your interest.  Sometimes, I don’t write them for humor purposes.  I actually started this blog to keep up with family and friends re: my health and life so I don’t have to keep repeating myself when people ask:  How are you?  I just send them here.

I actually like to throw in a few curve balls and keep it interesting and fun as well.  Like everyone, I LOVE to get Followers.  As a matter of fact, there is something I have to admit/confess.  “It’s been forever since my last Wordpress confession.” HA.  (If you were ever a Catholic, you’ll get that one.)

Anyway,

I’ve been on WordPress for over a year now and I admit/confess that sometimes I get jealous/annoyed/angry when everybody I read and follow keep getting all nominated for these awards and I’ve yet to get nominated for one.  I’m not saying you don’t all deserve it because I’m sure you do.  Heck, I follow you so that is saying something. Right?

I am not asking your advice on how to get nominated for an award.  Nor, do I want your sympathy or to be condemned for my feelings.   I just wanted to admit them.

By the way, it isn’t so much when someone gets nominated.  It’s when they keep getting nominated.  It seems like once someone gets nominated for one award, it becomes a cycle.  Some people I follow post things like, “I haven’t gotten around to responding and thanking everyone for the numerous award nominations I’ve received so I will now and here are my nominations:”

What?  I feel like if I received an award, I would be so honored/excited/happy. I would fall off my chair!  I think the only reason I would not respond in the next post would be because I broke something after falling out of the chair.

Then, when reading the ones I follow and the numerous award nominations they receive.. some/most of which are following me back by the way. I look anxiously to see if my blog was worthy of their nomination for the award.   But alas, despite the fact, they follow me and they’ve received 12, 14, 112, whatever awards. Once again..mine is not in there.

It may seem silly of me to dream of a WordPress Award Nomination, but I guess it is sort of like in High School.  I still feel as if I am trying to fit in and one day, I really will be accepted.

And, don’t you dare nominate me because of a this post.  That would be wrong on so many levels.

I am curious though,

How do you feel about the Wordpress Award System and do you ever feel the same way I do?     

“Haven’t Got Time For The Pain”..Sing It With Me.

Would someone please stop this pain?  Like, maybe just come knock me out with a bat and get it over with for a while?  Not permanently.  I think I need to talk to my Neurologist again.  This Fioricet is not working for me!  Since he changed it from my stronger meds, I’m getting these headaches every other if not, every single day!  I don’t know what to do.

Wait, I literally just opened the auth for my Botox injections with my Neurologist.  I am going to call and schedule the first one.  In the meantime, maybe he can change the dose of my headache med or something.  I get so tired of feeling like I’ve been hit by a Mac Truck.  Plus, we have vacations coming up.  I want to enjoy them.  Why am I dreading the thought of being around noise, people, etc.?

A Rant For Real Sickness

I just read a blog that was a bit disturbing to me.  One of those blogs that went on about.. “You have a choice.  You choose to be healthy.”  Blah, Blah, Blah.”  Okay, Blogwriter Person, since I am not going to name your Blog or you because that would be rude and I didn’t leave a comment.  It doesn’t really matter because there are many people out there that believe the same thing. ” It’s your decision to get up every day.  Just fight through the pain.”

Were you people born with rare disease issues that have weird side-effects that keep us sick in one way or another?  When you have head or stomach pain to the point that you are vomiting and can only pray for that pill to take the pain away and you can barely move your head or handle noise..can you seriously tell me you are out running a marathon or doing your yoga or Eating a STEAK?  Plus, seriously, “Eat Like A Lion?”  Give me a break.  I don’t care what the Cavemen did.  They may not have had our ailments but they did not have our weather with the pollution and cars, etc to deal with either.  Their meat came straight from the animals and their vegetables came straight from the ground.  No sprays on those vegetables to keep them fresh.  My system cannot handle wheat and I do not believe in eating animals.  Plus, everybody’s body is different so the same diet does not work for everyone.

Back to my questions to people with this belief or philosophy, is my choice of waking up saying I am going to be healthy today going to get my body healed soon so I will not have to have a hysterectomy?  It hasn’t worked so far.  And, it’s funny because on Friday, I tried to make that choice when I had to do the treadmill test without caffeine and my headache pain was so bad; I could not go through with it.  I was vomiting and my husband had to pick me up from the hospital and take me home.

It’s a great idea in theory, but it doesn’t work for those of us who are seriously ill with Real sickness.

This reminds me of when I was in school and could never pass  a test because I had test-anxiety.  Nobody ever caught that and I failed almost EVERY test.  I pretty much passed all my classes with homework and extra credit.  I could study for hours and I would still fail the test.  Just say the word, “Test” and I would blank out.  If I believed your philosophy.  I could just believe I would pass the test and I would be able to pass.  Guess what?  I tried that once.  Still failed.

Being chronically ill, I get tired of people with this belief/philosophy.

I don’t mean or try (as a matter of fact, I try not to) to complain about my health all the time.  But, this blog is to update friends, family and strangers about my life especially the health aspect, so I don’t have to keep repeating it.  I have a lot of health issues which I Can’t Help without doctors and pills or shots, or whatever.  I am helping myself in getting help from others.