I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.
Today.
Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!
People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.
Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.
This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.
The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.
I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.
There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.
These words go through my head over and over…
If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be
I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?
Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.
06/06/2013
Categories: Blog, Blogging, grief, Hoarders, husband, Life, Love, marriage, memories, pain, questioning, separation, television, thoughts, Uncategorized . Tags: ADD, blogging, feelings, hoarders, husband, life, other, separating, sleep, today, true story, writing . Author: stillstrange . Comments: 15 Comments
Tribute To My Sister
I wish I could give an award to a commenter because my sister actually commented and it totally surprised me. I always knew she read this blog but it means a lot to me that she commented. (Just don’t tell/remind my other sister that I even have this blog, please. Yeah, I technically/physically have another sister but we have lost contact..her choice, long story..probably not a long story but one I don’t wish to get into now.) Anyway, this post is about this sister whom I guess I can call ‘Lady’ since it’s better than Sis and part of her sign-on. She knows why I won’t use the first part.
Lady and I are 8 years apart in age. She is 8 years older than I. We have always been close but have had our times. She is the one that I actually grew up in the house with as there is a major age gap in the rest of my siblings ages and I. (My brother is 20 years older than I and the other sister I speak of is 15-18 years older than I), anyway, Lady and I have been through a lot of interesting things together. My parents would take a lot of trips for the wknds and leave Lady and I alone. During one of these trips, I started my period. (Now if you’re a man..you may or may not want to continue reading but I promise this isn’t gross.) I was in the truck with Lady and her boyfriend and I whispered in Lady’s ear that we had to stop at the store and don’t tell J. why. J. was being funny and refused to stop until Lady told him why so she had to. Anyway, when we got to the store, I freaked out and did not want tog o in because I did not want to go to a male register clerk. Guess what? The store only had male register clerks. I was terrified they would say something. Lady told me they couldn’t, it was illegal. I remember grabbing something off the shelf and staring straight at the guy daring him to say something. I would have run out of the store. It’s funny but do you ever notice that women or men when buying things for their women never buy just that item but usually have to buy Coke or Chips or some other item they didn’t even come for too? It’s a fact of life but it’s the embarrassment factor that still kicks in. Yet, most of us have no problem buying toilet paper.
Lady was there the first time I got drunk after I broke up with my first boyfriend, She used to kick me out of her room when I wasn’t even in it; I was standing in the doorway being the annoying, little sister, she and I would wake each other up on Christmas morning then wake up my parents so we could open presents and one year we got matching stuffed dogs. I still have mine and if she ever comes across hers; I still want it. Plus, one year she gave me a box of rocks for Christmas and I started freaking out and crying until she gave me my “real” present. Lady and I would also sing songs while she played guitar as we both have that talent; and the best times ever is singing the song ‘where Have All The Flowers Gone” by Peter, Paul and Mary. together.
Now, that mom has passed away; Lady is my rock and the sister I’ve always wanted and needed. I can share things with her I didn’t think I could before and she is understanding. Our relationship is stronger now.
Unfortunately, a lot of our sisterly breaks were caused by my mother. (not the one above referring to my other sister, though.)
I love you Lady, and I am glad we are sisters and alway’s will be! Thank you for reading and commenting on my blogs and thank you for being you.
09/25/2012
Categories: family, Love, memories, relationships, Uncategorized . Tags: Blogs, christmas, commenter, other, period, sister, tribute, true story . Author: stillstrange . Comments: 2 Comments