Time Ticks Slowly

Everyone says; “you need to get out and go places, see friends, etc” but it’s not that simple. Example: I was invited to a party for the 4th of July. I could/did not go to said party for a few reasons. I live to far away from the friends that had it and I could not leave my dog alone (even with the cat) without a dog door in the apartment. Also, he is afraid of Fireworks. Despite it being a warm night, I closed the slider and turned on fans and we watched movies. I was surprised as, living closer to Disneyland, the fireworks were muffled and not half as bad as expected. As for everyone’s advice, sometimes I wish they lived in my shoes for a while; and while I know some of you have been through the same or close to the same situations, it is NOT the same. It is NEVER the same. You are not me and never will be. You were not married to the same man.

I don’t know how much longer I will beat myself up with how much I loved this man. Although a bit selfish, HE seemed so kind and almost perfect from the time we met. Heck, his family described him all the time as being perfect. He could do no wrong. I was shocked when he actually made a U-turn at a No-U-Turn Sign and went Illegal Street Racing.

He cared for me enough to keep me alive with a Kidney Donation. (Why is that, if you really don’t love the person anymore?), he would go to restaurants at times that he didn’t want to since I am gluten-free and he would go out of his way to pick up MY food when I could not eat what he did.

Of course, those were things one does during a marriage.

I miss his witty humor, I miss touching him, I miss singing karaoke songs to him in the restaurant and embarrassing him since it was so easy to do. (he hates surprises and getting embarrassed). I miss being a wife and caring for the one I loved.

There is a saying about time healing all wounds, but I just don’t know.

I Got The Dog Back(& HIS Bad Reason)

Yesterday was one of the happiest days so far for me! I got my dog back!
The first week was shock and trauma and questions and tears, etc. Neither I, nor Petey, nor Firepie could figure out just what was going on nor why we had been thrown into this situation. We could not get our schedules figured out.

It’s been a month now and I’ve decided I want my Petey back. I want him sleeping with me, I want to know where he is, I want to be here when he is afraid of Fireworks on the 4th of July, I want doggie kisses and to spoil him with treats (even if I shouldn’t) and toys. I am his Mommy. Plus, I told Petey I would never abandon him like his dad did to us and I felt like that’s what I had done.

So, I called HIM. He said okay. He let me get Petey right away. He and I were friendly and civil. Well, we’ve always been friendly to each other. We’ve never fought. That’s the whole weird thing about this break-up. I asked HIM, if he has been so unhappy for the last 10 years of our marriage, why did he wait so long to do this? Why not let me go after two years? HE said he wanted to tell me sooner but I was always sick (NOT TRUE), he said he stuck around because he didn’t know who else would care for me: out of guilt. That’s a cop-out because he got the courage to do it now, all of a sudden. I told HIM how much what he has done has hurt me.

I told him how it makes me feel like I’ve wasted the last 12 years with someone who didn’t love me. Never mind the fact that HE has felt this way for 10 years verses 12. I could have given my love and made my vows to someone who really loved me and didn’t decide to give up because they didn’t want responsibility anymore. There might actually have been somebody out there that would have loved and accepted me for the girl I was then; and who knows, maybe actually helped me feel better and more accepting of my health problems verses making me feel worse by bailing because of them.

HE mentioned that HE is trying to be decent in this whole situation and he is wants me to be happy. He also mentioned that he cries to.. at least once a week. Once a week? What’s once a week? How about once a day or more? How about an ocean, to where you can’t count the tears? Why would I have sympathy for your once a week cryng over what you caused and supposedly wanted?

Needless to say, despite my tears of hurt mixed with my joy at getting my dog back, I could not look at HIM again, as HE stood at the garage door and watched us leave. I talked to Petey and backed the car out of the driveway of what once was my house;.our house. The house of cards that we built our love in, the house that crashed down but 52 Pick-Up is not meant to be played because most of the cards are missing. I tried to give the house key back, but HE wouldn’t take it. I don’t know why. There is nothing left for me in that house anymore.

Petey is home

Petey is home

Continuous Posting

I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

Dog Communication

UGH! I had to speak to HIM directly because I was texted with advice per my post. HE is refusing to comment via WordPress because he does not know how and does not want to figure it out. But, HE knows how to solve everything. I know He only wants to help but.. HE forgets that before we got Petey; the people who had him before used to leave him outside all the time and just let him look in. Poor Petey probably thinks I am doing the same thing if I do it that way. However, I did try leaving Petey outside for an entire hour. Petey whined so much I felt guilty and thought someone would call animal control. When I suggested to HIM the idea of trying it in the side yard of the house while he has Petey this wknd if he thinks that’s a way of training Petey to use the cement; HE said, that won’t work, it will only work at my new place. It is cement only on the side of the house where the trash cans are. Therefor, it is another way of saying, he does not want responsibility for my problem. HE says the Dog Potty will only confuse Petey. But, unless HE is a dog, I don’t see how he can prove that one. Oh, wait, according to the Chinese Zodiac, HE is, because that coincides with his birth year.

Anyway, I informed HIM on the phone to be prepared of the future possibility of getting his dog back if I cannot train him.

I must say I am a bit angry and hurt that my feelings are not being respected when it comes to my blog. I nicely gave HIM the website so he can keep up. It really isn’t hard to create a user name. Hell, you can come up with any fictitious name you want and leave a comment under that name. Millions of people do it every day and he works with people that know how to read and write on blogs. I hate playing the angry, cold hearted Bitch but, I am angry and I am hurt and the more I talk and text to him, the more angry and hurt I feel. How many times do I need to have the wounds open? They will Never heal this way!

I believe HE misses me. I believe he cares for me. It’s only been 5? days. I know he cares for the dog. But, if he is ever going to really re-evaluate his love for me and if I am to sort myself out, we need to stop communication for a bit. NO texting, phone calls, etc. We need to have the Garage Sale soon. I do not suggest selling the house soon, as I think it best to wait on the dog issue now to get resolved, but my heart gets knotted up every time I hear his voice or read his text. So Yes, this is communication straight to HIM

PLEASE HAVE SOMEONE TEACH YOU WORDPRESS AND SIGN UP ANONYMOUSLY SO YOU CAN COMMENT! If that’s to much responsibility or to much of a hassle, have a friend who is on WordPress comment for you. Or, open a WordPress Account. But, please have respect and stop texting me. I LOVE YOU and I don’t want to read your texts.

I saw the Psychologist today. I want to see him at least once a week. I have homework to do this time. I have to write HIM a letter with my feelings but not give it to HIM. I always hate that because I always want to give it to the person. The Psych said to write it and we can talk later about whether or not to give it to him. Actually, it may not matter, I cover a lot of how I feel in WordPress. I don’t see the letter being much different other then really condensed.

*I want to add that I really want to throw up re-reading this post and my request to my husband. I just know in my heart it’s what we both Need. What I really want does not matter at the moment. He is not in love with me right now.

Home of Broken Heart

I don’t know how to-do this. I don’t know how to not be a friend to the man I love. I don’t know how to not be the wife that I want to be. I don’t know how to be mean or not care. I texted him today. I should NOT do that! As someone pointed out, I have contacted him every day since we parted. But, it’s only been two days. The move was on Friday. I haven’t seen him. Seriously, I don’t know how to do this!

He asked me today for his mothers address since I have the Address Book but then I re-thought it. He can call her. He needs to ask his friends/family for that information. He didn’t/doesn’t want a wife anymore. He said he loves me but isn’t in love with me. That’s lame.

Anyway, my internet and t.v. is connected. Okay, one t.v. is connected. I have to buy a plug thing that holds more then one plug. I had one. I had two. The guy used one and I had the other in my hand but I put it down somewhere and I can’t find it. I looked all over but I don’t know where it is. The guys said it was okay but I started to cry. It’s not okay. It may never be okay again. My husband doesn’t love me. I had to be mean and didn’t give him his moms address (that was later in the day), I cant find the stupid, plug thing. Firepie barfed on the carpet this morning.

I went to the Counselor/Therapist, whatever this afternoon. I don’t think I will be going to that one anymore. The drive was crazy. It took me in like circles. I don’t like driving anyway especially in traffic. The drive was to long and I went by at least 3 places, he and I had gone to together. A furniture store where we looked for (purchased?) our sofa for the Living Room at the house, restaurants, Knott’s Berry Farm. I gave hin a shirt that he wore to Knott’s Berry Farm and he looked just like Charlie Brown. It was really cool. I don’t want to drive by there every time I go to the Therapist.

I got tons of boxes unpacked and you can almost see the whole Kitchen/Living Room. And, last night I watched Hoarders on dvd trying to get some normalcy in the situation. Because that’s what I would have done at home (the other place). I still have a hard time calling this place home because like my friend said, “Home is where the heart is.” and my heart is where my husband is, but, at the moment, he doesn’t love me anymore. So, my heart is broken.

Worst Day & One Day At A Time

I might ramble today, but I guess that’s okay. In my situation. I allow myself to babble if I have to.

What’s the worst day in your life so far? Is it a friend or relative dying?, Is it a tornado or natural disaster and losing everything?, Is it a car accident and becoming disabled?, Is it having your heart broken over and over again and finding out after 12 years that the one you married and gave your wedding vows to – the one you decided to finally trust and believe in: the one you took his hand in a public ceremony and swore in front of the world to Love, Honor, Cherish, in Sickness and Health until Death Due You Part has decided the stakes are to high and is giving up?

I never thought I would be in this position in my life. I tried so hard to be the good wife. I’m tired of hearing, “It’s not you, it’s me.” That doesn’t help. It has to be me as well if I could not keep him around.

I never used to get up at 6 or earlier every day..to pack boxes. I never used to cry so many tears and literally start to shake and sob and run to take a Xanax; because the man who I thought loved me made a comment that set me off again.

People say one day at a time and they are right. If I focus on the big picture, I start to freak.

Today. Today, I need to sort out the desk drawers in the office and finish the box in the kitchen. I can do that. I also need to make sure the Renter’s Insurance will be ready. I can do that.

Tomorrow, I will sign the Lease and get the keys. I can’t think about it. I really can’t think about the rest of the week yet. If I do that, I get headaches. I get scared.

He is talking about selling the house soon.

I planted a potato in the backyard not to long ago. It hasn’t started growing yet. I wonder if it will grow for the next person who moves in. If it does, I suppose it will be my gift to them.

Dating Memories #2-First Crush

I was 13 and he was 12.  He had blond hair and gorgeous, green eyes.  We held hands and walked around the school track.  We danced the last dance at every school dance.  “Stairway To Heaven”,  I remember it being a long song and not wanting it to end as I lay my head on his shoulder.  We kissed behind the bushes.  My first kiss.  On, those were the innocent times,  I even bought a stuffed fox with bright green eyes and named the fox after him.

Then:

It was on New Year’s Eve, I was babysitting my Niece at the time, we were talking on the phone but his friend took the phone and said, “Chet wants to break up with you.”  I told him to have Chet tell me himself.  Chet did.  I was angry.  I was hurt.  I told Chet I never wanted to see him again.

Chet moved away.

I cried the whole Summer.  He had been my first crush.  But the worst part?  I did not mean the part about never wanting to see him again.  That was mean.  He was not supposed to move after I’d said that.  I felt so, so guilty.  I wanted to apologise a thousand times over for saying that.  I prayed and prayed that he would forgive me.

Chet and I are FB Friends now and he and I have forgiven each other; but that was the first of my heart being broken… and the stories will continue.

Tribute To My Sister

I wish I could give an award to a commenter because my sister actually commented and it totally surprised me.  I always knew she read this blog but it means a lot to me that she commented.  (Just don’t tell/remind my other sister that I even have this blog, please.  Yeah, I technically/physically have another sister but we have lost contact..her choice, long story..probably not a long story but one I don’t wish to get into now.)     Anyway, this post is about this sister whom I guess I can call ‘Lady’ since it’s better than Sis and part of her sign-on.  She knows why I won’t use the first part.

Lady and I are 8 years apart in age.  She is 8 years older than I.  We have always been close but have had our times.  She is the one that I actually grew up in the house with as there is a major age gap in the rest of my siblings ages and I.  (My brother is 20 years older than I and the other sister I speak of is 15-18 years older than I),  anyway, Lady and I have been through a lot of interesting things together.  My parents would take a lot of trips  for the wknds and leave Lady and I alone.  During one of these trips, I started my period.  (Now if you’re a man..you may or may not want to continue reading but I promise this isn’t gross.)  I was in the truck with Lady and her boyfriend and I whispered in Lady’s ear that we had to stop at the store and don’t tell J. why.  J. was being funny and refused to stop until Lady told him why so she had to.  Anyway, when we  got to the store, I freaked out and did not want tog o in because I did not want to go to a male register clerk.  Guess what?  The store only had male register clerks.  I was terrified they would say something.  Lady told me they couldn’t, it was illegal.  I remember grabbing something off the shelf and staring straight at the guy daring him to say something.  I would have run out of the store.  It’s funny but do you ever notice that women or men when buying things for their women never buy just that item but usually have to buy Coke or Chips or some other item they didn’t even come for too?  It’s a fact of life but it’s the embarrassment factor that still kicks in.  Yet, most of us have no problem buying toilet paper.

Lady was there the first time I got drunk after I broke up with my first boyfriend,   She used to kick me out of her room when I wasn’t even in it; I was standing in the doorway being the annoying, little sister, she and I would wake each other up on Christmas morning then wake up my parents so we could open presents and one year we got matching stuffed dogs.  I still have mine and if she ever comes across hers; I still want it.  Plus, one year she gave me a box of rocks for Christmas and I started freaking out and crying until she gave me my “real” present.  Lady and I would also sing songs while she played guitar as we both have that talent; and the best times ever is singing the song ‘where Have All The Flowers Gone” by Peter, Paul and Mary. together.

Now, that mom has passed away; Lady is my rock and the sister I’ve always wanted and needed.  I can share things with her I didn’t think I could before and she is understanding.  Our relationship is stronger now.

Unfortunately, a lot of our sisterly breaks were caused by my mother. (not the one above referring to my other sister, though.)

I love you Lady, and I am glad we are sisters and alway’s will be!  Thank you for reading and commenting on my blogs and thank you for being you.

Love = Our Own Rooms

When my mother passed away a liitle over a year ago, I had a breakdown.  Part may have been due to overuse of my medication, part may have been due to the idea that my husband had not long before brought up the idea of having his own room.  I had never been raised that way and the thought of such a thing brought to my mind the idea that he didn’t love me and thoughts and feelings of abandonment came cerashing in.    In my mind, if your husband did not want to sleep in the same room with you, something is seriously wrong with your mariage.

Since then, I have talked to my Therapist, I have talked to my friends, I have read up on the idea on the internet and I talked to my husbands mother.

Times have changed so much since I was young.  I gave in to letting him have his own bed.  It’s been fantastic having my own bed with the animals.  And, he loves his own bed.  I don’t have to have the t.v. on all night.  I don’t have to hear him gas when I don’t want to.  He doesn’t have to worry about me waking him up with nightmares or sitting up in bed or whatever weird things I do.  I don’t jump every time the bed moves when he rolls over.  (He isn’t a big man.  I don’t even know what’s up with that.)  He doesn’t need to hear me get up 12.000 times or however many to use the restroom.  It’s a Win-Win.  I didn’t think I would enjoy it so much.  It took a while to stop my mind from reverting back to what I’d been taught and to push Satan away and to convince myself that room location has nothing to do with love.

I’m ready to take it further.  I am ready for our own rooms!  It’s what he’s wanted.  I can do this.  I am gettting excited this time.  My Coke Collection is being moved to my room.  I can paint it whatever color I want.  Closets are being re-arranged.  His dresser and clothes are being moved to his room.  We are still husband and wife.  We still love each other and he loves me even more because he will have his own room.  Most men would love to have their own rooms.