Last Post-My Truth

This will be my last post on this blog. I will be ending this one and starting another. Just as this chapter of my life is ending and re-starting.

I need to confess something to you. I haven’t been completely honest lately. I’ve been writing some fiction immersed with truth. While I do miss the life I had and the family we were, I am not still extremely depressed. I have been uncovering some truth, some facts about the man who claims he loves me but is no longer in love with me; bad things. Not just on one website or but numerous websites, phone numbers, accounts I had not known about During and after our marriage. I found HIS picture. I know my husband. I’ve washed those clothes. HIS picture. Needless to say, I am not waiting to get away from this.

I hired a Divorce Lawyer. I’m done. That was over two weeks ago. HE was served today. During those two weeks, I’ve been working off anger. So much anger. Yes, I still do cry once in a while about what was but; not as much and I hardly take Xanax at all. I couldn’t write that. HE reads this. So, I waited. Until Tonight..

HE DENIED IT! ..Every single thing. Come on. Man Up! Give some honesty finally, please. HE denies being on Any website, HE denies having any other account or cell phone, HE denies having cheated on me during or after our marriage. I Have Your Picture! HE says I don’t understand what I’m reading. What? so, I’m an idiot now? Seriously, If it was one site, I may have believed you, but it isn’t. HEe says I’m being spiteful. No, Sweetheart, (read in sarcasm) I’m not being Spiteful, I’m taking responsibility for myself. I’m taking care of myself legally. I’m covering my ASS. I don’t trust you anymore. I’m angry and I’m hurt about the way you ended our marriage after 12 years. You weren’t honest after 2 years if you were so unhappy for 10. Why would you be honest now? I’m paranoid of meeting/trusting any man again. You took my heart and kicked it to shreds after knowing my horrible history and promising me (not to mention our marriage vows which meant nothing to you) that you would never leave me or abandon me. I am not letting you control how the relationship completely comes to an end by using a Mediator or whatever verses an Attorney (I won’t even get into That issue here) because you don’t want to pay money for a Lawyer. To bad. You say, you want me to be happy. Well, I am. We are playing it my way now.

Sorry Readers, so that’s what’s up. He’s been Served! It took forever. I can finally get some sleep and peace. I am going to start a new blog and I will come back and follow a few of my favorites with a different name. When I come back, I will leave those people a comment of who I was (stillstrange). Until then, I really wish you all the best. I love WordPress.

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Time Ticks Slowly

Everyone says; “you need to get out and go places, see friends, etc” but it’s not that simple. Example: I was invited to a party for the 4th of July. I could/did not go to said party for a few reasons. I live to far away from the friends that had it and I could not leave my dog alone (even with the cat) without a dog door in the apartment. Also, he is afraid of Fireworks. Despite it being a warm night, I closed the slider and turned on fans and we watched movies. I was surprised as, living closer to Disneyland, the fireworks were muffled and not half as bad as expected. As for everyone’s advice, sometimes I wish they lived in my shoes for a while; and while I know some of you have been through the same or close to the same situations, it is NOT the same. It is NEVER the same. You are not me and never will be. You were not married to the same man.

I don’t know how much longer I will beat myself up with how much I loved this man. Although a bit selfish, HE seemed so kind and almost perfect from the time we met. Heck, his family described him all the time as being perfect. He could do no wrong. I was shocked when he actually made a U-turn at a No-U-Turn Sign and went Illegal Street Racing.

He cared for me enough to keep me alive with a Kidney Donation. (Why is that, if you really don’t love the person anymore?), he would go to restaurants at times that he didn’t want to since I am gluten-free and he would go out of his way to pick up MY food when I could not eat what he did.

Of course, those were things one does during a marriage.

I miss his witty humor, I miss touching him, I miss singing karaoke songs to him in the restaurant and embarrassing him since it was so easy to do. (he hates surprises and getting embarrassed). I miss being a wife and caring for the one I loved.

There is a saying about time healing all wounds, but I just don’t know.

Our Freedom-My Freedom

Happy 4th of July. Today marks a celebration of Freedom. A different type of Freedom.

Not the type of freedom I am experiencing in my life. Not the freedom of being alone unwillingly, thrust upon me, unexpectedly, suddenly. Oh yes, my fur-children are here, but other than that, I am alone.

Alone to remember the words HE said to me:

“I will never leave you.”, “I will not abandon you.”, “I am not like the others.”, “I would never and have never cheated on you.” “I have always been honest with you.”, “Trust me.”
“I love You.”

At our wedding reception, I sang his favorite song to him: ‘I Honestly Love You’ by Olivia Newton John. Now, here are songs I would like to sing. Forgive me, if I don’t know the titles, I will write some of the song lines,

“Don’t Go Breakin My Heart”, “You’ve Abandoned Me, Love Don’t Live Here Anymore,” “All Cried Out”, “Who Are You?” “Please, Don’t Leave Me This Way?” “It’s A Heartache”. and many more along that line.

Then, on the other end of the spectrum, we have the anger songs. I am so, so angry and hurt at what he has done to me. So, I get through on songs like these:
“If Looks Could Kill”, “Used To Love Her”, Bitch”, “You Oughta Know”, “Jamie’s Got A Gun”, “Your Fu_ _n Crazy”, “Love Stinks”.

and one of my personal favorites,

    “The Bitch Is Back.”

Unfortunately, there are less songs of this nature then the others above.

I Got The Dog Back(& HIS Bad Reason)

Yesterday was one of the happiest days so far for me! I got my dog back!
The first week was shock and trauma and questions and tears, etc. Neither I, nor Petey, nor Firepie could figure out just what was going on nor why we had been thrown into this situation. We could not get our schedules figured out.

It’s been a month now and I’ve decided I want my Petey back. I want him sleeping with me, I want to know where he is, I want to be here when he is afraid of Fireworks on the 4th of July, I want doggie kisses and to spoil him with treats (even if I shouldn’t) and toys. I am his Mommy. Plus, I told Petey I would never abandon him like his dad did to us and I felt like that’s what I had done.

So, I called HIM. He said okay. He let me get Petey right away. He and I were friendly and civil. Well, we’ve always been friendly to each other. We’ve never fought. That’s the whole weird thing about this break-up. I asked HIM, if he has been so unhappy for the last 10 years of our marriage, why did he wait so long to do this? Why not let me go after two years? HE said he wanted to tell me sooner but I was always sick (NOT TRUE), he said he stuck around because he didn’t know who else would care for me: out of guilt. That’s a cop-out because he got the courage to do it now, all of a sudden. I told HIM how much what he has done has hurt me.

I told him how it makes me feel like I’ve wasted the last 12 years with someone who didn’t love me. Never mind the fact that HE has felt this way for 10 years verses 12. I could have given my love and made my vows to someone who really loved me and didn’t decide to give up because they didn’t want responsibility anymore. There might actually have been somebody out there that would have loved and accepted me for the girl I was then; and who knows, maybe actually helped me feel better and more accepting of my health problems verses making me feel worse by bailing because of them.

HE mentioned that HE is trying to be decent in this whole situation and he is wants me to be happy. He also mentioned that he cries to.. at least once a week. Once a week? What’s once a week? How about once a day or more? How about an ocean, to where you can’t count the tears? Why would I have sympathy for your once a week cryng over what you caused and supposedly wanted?

Needless to say, despite my tears of hurt mixed with my joy at getting my dog back, I could not look at HIM again, as HE stood at the garage door and watched us leave. I talked to Petey and backed the car out of the driveway of what once was my house;.our house. The house of cards that we built our love in, the house that crashed down but 52 Pick-Up is not meant to be played because most of the cards are missing. I tried to give the house key back, but HE wouldn’t take it. I don’t know why. There is nothing left for me in that house anymore.

Petey is home

Petey is home

UnHappy Month Anniverary

Today marks a month since the start of my Hell! Wait, that’s not true. Hell, actually started on the 13th but that was when the shock hit, I was moving today last month. Today is the exact day a month ago that I started on my own. The first night I cried my eyes out.in shock and despair over the changes in my life.

Let’s discuss Anniversaries first, shall we? Most Anniversaries are happy, joyous occasions. Like, the day you met, or how many dates you’ve been on, or how many years you have been married. They are celebrated making happy memories together with dinners and joy while spending time with the one you love.
Then, there are the sad Anniversaries, remembering those who have died. People go to visit gravesides then or maybe they go through old pictures, say prayers, eat a certain food in their memory. (Snickers, for dad) etc.

But, This Anniversary does not fit the profile. We will NOT spend it together. I may take myself to buy something but it would be out of the necessity of needing shorts, not to celebrate anything or because I am going anywhere. I may take myself to dinner, but only because I got a flyer about a restaurant nearby that has Garlic Tofu that sounds really good and I can probably eat it. (I’ll have to check what they have that is gluten-free). HE hasn’t died so I could not visit a grave site even if I wanted to..(which I probably wouldn’t anyway, because I have a hard time visiting people graves).

Oh Yes, Last night, I did cry. Almost to the point of needing a Xanax. I cried for what was. I cried for the husband I married who I believed loved me then. I cried for what is, the cards I have been dealt in my life, and the life I am living now. I cried because I miss my dog who used to lick me all the time and roll in my clean laundry. I miss my life that was stable and calm. I cried until I fell asleep.

But in good news, I slept until almost 10 o’clock this morning, which I haven’t done in a long time.

I hope HE reads this one today.
I hope HE thinks of me sometimes and how unhappy I am.

HAPPY MONTH ANNIVERSARY, if you do.
I hope you feel miserable and guilty for what you have done to your wife who has loved you all those years.

Losing Weight..Bad Way For Me

If you’re looking for a few ways to lose weight, I have some. Separate from your husband of 12 years unexpectedly. During that time, cry almost every day and don’t eat meals when you are supposed to. It won’t be hard because you won’t be hungry. Your body will give you headaches and other pains, you will take pills for that pain and if you aren’t moving things around or focusing on something like the television to take your mind off reality, your trying to sleep without dreaming; which only works with drugs. As time goes on; your clothes start to become loose.

Within the last four weeks, I have lost four pounds. Yesterday, I noticed how loose my clothes were becoming so I bought some candy realizing I need those extra calories throughout the day. I just got on the scale this morning. I know I need to start eating again at regular intervals, as well as snacking. I also know I need to start tracking my food again. Stress is terrible for everyone’s immune systems but mine especially because of my disease and kidney transplant.

It will be a solid month on Friday since this occurred. That means I will have 8 more months in this apartment. Friday will mark a solid month of tears and lack of sleep and wonder and pain of what went wrong in my 12 year marriage to a man who loved me (I thought and believed) when we walked down that wedding aisle and said his vows in front of all our friends and family. The same day I sang his favorite song to him at the wedding reception, “I’ll Always Love You.” by Olivia Newton-John.

I am supposed to be drinking one Ensure Plus every day for dietary purposes. I may up that to two for a bit. I need to gain weight. I don’t care if I am eating candy. I know I need to eat more. I cannot wither away and make myself sick. My cat needs me, if nobody else does. I do have friends that still care about me.

Today, I will start again to get back on track physically. I will eat even if I’m not hungry. I may even start tracking my food again. I can’t do this to myself. If I do this to myself and my body, I will have let him win and proved that he was right, that I NEED someone to take care of me. Which I Don’t. I just need to get my emotions in check and start taking care of myself again. As the weight comes off, reality hits and it ain’t a pretty picture!

Happy & Sad

We were supposed to have a garage sale this wknd. The final garage sale in the house of memories. But, how can we do that? Just the thought of looking into those eyes again, wanting to hug HIM while remembering the time he was in love with me or did love me.. How could I possibly have thought a garage sale would work? As it is, every time I got to the house; I remember. And then there is the dog. I don’t regret my decision of returning the dog to him for health reasons..I’m actually starting to sleep a bit better without the dog. But, I really miss the dog. I spent so much time cuddling and playing with my Petey-Pie dog. It’s hard to visit and leave; even knowing he is being taken care of by his daddy. So, I’ve canceled the garage sale. Just the thought of it was causing my stomach to start up. I called HIM today and explained that it was to much stress. I will go to the house tomorrow and get my Coca-Cola stuff back to sell another way. Maybe via e-bay or someone else will have a garage sale, I can join.

We also talked about the dog and a few other things. HE admitted to me that he has been unhappy for probably the last 10 years. Why would someone stay unhappy in a marriage for 10 years? I didn’t get a chance to ask that. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I see that 2% chance slipping further and further away.

After I hung up the phone, I cried.

It’s like I said in my last post. I guess one person has to be unhappy for the other to be happy. I don’t know if HE is happy now. I know he is free. I don’t know what will change in 9 months time to make HIM want to come back to me. It sounds like HE is happy being free, while I am miserable. Back to square one with only my cat. He mentioned again that HE would like to be friends again in a few months. Does he mean after I get over the hurt and pain of the separation? What will change then? Last I checked, we will still be separated.

I’m actually glad I canceled the garage sale. After that one phone call ruining my day, I cannot imagine what a mess I would be after 5 full hours with the man.

If you love someone set them free
If they come back to you, they’re yours
If they don’t, they were never meant to be.

Yeah, I changed it a bit.

Finally Getting Sleep…7th Day.

And on the Seventh day, God rested. Yeah, I know that was after he made the world and all was good but I’ll gloss over that part. I’ll fast forward to the rest because that’s what Firepie and I are going to do tonight and tomorrow, and tomorrow night, and maybe even Sunday night if HE will keep Petey that long.

Today-

My day started crying during a conversation over birds. I was talking to a friend about birds in her garden and how she watches them through the window and loves to feed them from the bird feeders. I used to do that every day. I would even give them old bread. That started a sob fest. She went on and on and changed it to Humming Birds. Thanks, now your reminding me of the Humming Birds I fed every day and the nest in the back of the house that could be hatching any day but I won’t get to see.

Then, it’s washing my hair which is supposed to cheer me up but it doesn’t because I love hot water but water has to be constantly adjusted to get the right temperature and doesn’t stay hot like it did at the house. I was spoiled before and could take nice, long showers. So, I cried and wondered where Norman Bates was when I needed him. “Gee Officer, I don’t know. I know she was very depressed but there was absolutely no way those knife cuts could have been done by herself.”

I dropped the dog off and HIS uncle was there fixing up the house. Which tells me HE is seriously getting ready to sell. I looked in the frig and got a bit annoyed that he had not even opened the mixed salad I had bought him I left. He used to eat some salad and salads are probably healther then some of the junk he is eating now. Yes, I left him a note but I won’t tell you everything written in it. I’ve decided to keep a few things between Him and I, and hold onto at least one little straw that I have, which is all I have for at least a little while longer. Even if the straw is only in my mind. Physically I really have accomplished a lot in 7 days and mentally, I have not had a nervous break-down but; if I have to drop that straw right this minute. I cannot guarantee anything.

Let me see if I can remember all or most of what I have done this week:

Physically moved into the apartment.
Started unpacking.
Started seeing a Psychologist
Sent new address info to friends, family, DMV, Voters Info and CDL Info, and Social Security/Disability Administration, had televisions, utilities, etc. installed, walked Petey almost continuously and trained him to at least pee on the patio, bought numerous extra things for the apartment including a Mattress Topper today and a new pillow because I’ve started having back pains the last few days on the new bed, changed checking account address information and received temporary checks, Put up the shower curtain with rings in bathroom.

All this amidst much mental anguish and crying and pain. Plus, mini breakdowns with Xanax as my answer + headache, weight loss, diarrhea, etc. some of which is due to not taking care of myself because I am very depressed and exhausted.

But, it is the 7th day. I bought a beautiful Fieldcrest Mattress Topper at Target. It looks soft. I also bought a soft pillow to sink into. Firepie and I will be alone and we plan to curl up and sleep. As soon as I got home at 4:50. I put my pajama’s on. I don’t have to go out again tonight and that feels good.

Continuous Posting

I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

PETEY DID IT!!!

HE DID IT! Petey pee’d on the patio! This is a break through. I used a combination of things people were suggesting including taking him out for the last time around 9:30 and not leaving much water down for the rest of the night. I also left him out for an hour or so at a time a few times during the day while feeling guilty as he would only whine and lay down and look at me. But, this morning at 5, I woke up and put him out for a few knowing he had to go and went in the other room. When I got back, there was a big, fresh puddle on the patio. He did it! I was/am so proud. I immediately canceled the Dog Litter Box purchase. Having had a kidney transplant and being immuno-suppressed, I know it really isn’t good for my immune system to be cleaning litter boxes all the time, and I already deal with Firepie. Petey can do it and that is what matters.

As for yesterdays post, I sincerely hope HE doesn’t hate me now. I really hope HE understands my reasoning. I know HE can be impulsive. I really hope my requests for privacy (minus important communication) doesn’t backfire and make him step away further and quicker.

I also got to thinking, what if I can’t do this? Keep the boundaries, I have set. I’m sure we will be friendly to each other during the garage sale (whenever that may be) but other then that, it is hard to explain how much this rule I have made is killing me. Before we got married, we were friends.

It’s only been 6 days and I still (will I always?) think as his wife. I wonder if he has clean laundry. I wonder if his food supply is starting to run low. In my heart, I want to do his laundry and mine together when I drop off Petey tomorrow. But, I AM NOT DOING THAT! As a matter of fact, I am not even doing my laundry there. Which is another issue because I’m not sure I want to do it here either. They have nice laundry rooms but if I go to a nearby laundry mat, I could just stay there and read a book or watch t.v. until it is all done completely.

Today, I am planning on getting more boxes unpacked and putting my shower curtain rod and curtain up. I may not want to think of this place as home, but I still need to deal. I haven’t washed my hair in over a week, I’m avoiding doing laundry on the property because if I start doing laundry on the property I am admitting that I live here. (refer to above paragraph). I need to call and write some doctors and let them know what is going on soon too, and soon I need to get re-started on some of my medical procedures. Today, I also need to pay bills, buy stamps, and make sure Petey has a can of food to visit his dad this wknd.

I really hope this wknd won’t screw him up on his using the patio and HE remembers not to let Petey use the Dog Door.