Quick Post Before I Zone

I should not post right after a Xanax. It will be very painstaking and major spell check. However, my apartment will be ready early and he seemed a bit happy. I asked him if he was sure he wants to do this and he said he does not want to do this, he has to do this. What does that mean?

I didn’t think I asked for a lot in life. A loving husband, a happy marriage and maybe a smaller place. I’m getting the smaller place. My choice.

I can’t write anymore. I’m calming down now.

I did call a counseling center today and will have an appointment scheduled during the week after I move.

My Blog and Emotions

My last post brought an extreme reaction from a friend and at first I took it to mean I lost said friend. However, after talking to my sister, she made me realize I am to emotional to receive comments from people at present. Makes sense. Anything I read/hear is just not being taken the way it is being sent. It’s not necessarily that it is not what I do or don’t want to hear; maybe it is that I just cannot hear it NOW. At least I just talked to said friend on the phone to make sure all was clear with us. I also decided not to update regarding the marriage issue on Facebook anymore for the same reason. However:

My blog is what it is: My space to blog my feelings..so this will continue:

Since I don’t know most of you and those I do know have different names (most of you), this will still be a emotional, venting, crying, place. I hope that is okay.

So Tired and Drained

I am so tired of dealing with this. Now, we are separating verses a Divorce right away because of the medical insurance coverage. I can’t lose my coverage. I can’t afford it on my own..but, now he tells me if he decided not to give me any alimony; he might have been able to cover the medical and I would have lived on all the other stuff. Whatever.

I don’t care anymore.

So, we can separate. After 9 months, we will re-evaluate the relationship and the financial aspect of it. Good .AT least give me 9 months away. You want 9 months to play friends, or whatever.. Fine. Get your head on straight. Whatever. Stop jerking me around. I need to get away from you. Why can’t you understand that? You don’t love me. I can’t be your Insta-Friend after 12 years of being your wife.

Tomorrow, I am going back to my counselor for an emergency meeting. (So, to speak.) Everything is signed and turned in for the apartment. Please give me my definite move-in date. Tell me soon and let’s get going. My animals are stressed and so am I.

Plus, I’m tired of hearing people tell me he or anyone I’m with needs to be a Christian. I’m sorry but I’m getting to where I’m ready to turn off my phone and Facebook until I’m moved out and alone and away from him. Not keeping anyone I know in the loop, at all. People are lecturing him now and people are lecturing me.

There’s also the fact that he is taking off work again tomorrow. Playing sick. I wish he would just go. For someone that doesn’t want to be around me anymore, he isn’t really wanting to separate any time soon and he seems to act as if we are just friends now. This is exhausting and emotional to me. Why doesn’t he get it???

Sharing To Much

Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has advice. They may have been through a similar situation but it is NOT the same. They were not married to the same man. They do not have the same disabilities as I. They are not in the same financial situation. One thing I’ve learned from this experience is not to share the finer details anymore about the issues. We are doing things our way. Yes, I said “We.” He is still my husband at the moment. Legally, we are still married. We start divorce proceedings (the paperwork aspect or the consultation or whatever) on Monday. He is supportive in that way and will continue to be. That is nobody’s business but mine!

We looked at apartments all day. We actually signed for one as far as having the credit checked. It is a cute condo. However, the more I’ve been thinking about it. I really want a one-bedroom with a back yard area for the dog. The condo had a front patio only which, would prove awkward for the dog, and it was a bit small.

Emotionally, I contacted my doctor who gave me Xanax to calm down. After one pill, I know it can be addictive. I think I may only need one a day or so. It gets me back on an even keel. I stop crying, I literally float in a euphoric fog. I also sleep. Last night I finally slept over 5 hours straight. It was wonderful!

My thoughts still go in and out as I pack. I’ve accepted it to a point. But, things won’t really hit until I move out which may not be to soon because I am finding it hard to find a one-bedroom that takes pets, with a small yard, in a decent price range. I found one will open up in mid-June. It’s 900 square feet which would be fantastic.

I’m willing to wait, if necessary. I mean..we don’t fight. Especially now I have my Xanax to fall back on. But, a month? I don’t know. The packing?..The acceptance? I am liable to forget just why I am packing at all if I wait to long.

Questions About My Nightmare

3-4 headache pills every day and the last one gives me solid sleep until I wake up with a nightmare. My husband is leaving me. My marriage is over.

So, I’m talking to his Aunt on the phone this morning going over the scenario again and it Hits! I mean.. Really Hits! I frickin want a nervous breakdown! I want to die. I don’t want this. I want to wake up to my old reality as husband and wife. I literally want to scream or throw something or freak out. I wind up calling my sister who calms me down a bit. She actually tells me I need to calm down..I can’t go to the hospital..he won’t go there. Then, she gets into why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

Tonight, we talk, the man and I. The one who is still my husband, for the moment. He got annoyed a bit in the afternoon because I posted on Facebook about the situation and his sister got upset. I think she told him, as did a few others who called and texted him and asked what was going on. I guess he was going to keep it a secret for a while. I don’t know why. If he really wants to leave so bad, what’s the big secret?

We aren’t fighting. We are actually still getting along as usual except for the fact that I cry constantly now. Little things set me off. We watched a show where the family went camping in a motor home reminding me that S. had wanted to rent a motor home and go camping together. Plus, S. actually announced that he just doesn’t love me anymore.

One positive in this mess. My moving out is going to be Expensive! He is paying my rent. Plus, I will need some new furniture. After getting me moved, he may only have enough to rent a room somewhere. Oh well. In that respect, I have no sympathy. I come first financially since his wish of freedom or whatever is being fulfilled.

We will be getting a Lawyer very soon.

In the meantime, I still cannot believe any of this. I still want to wake up. I want to smack him in the head with a brick and have him wake up and love me again like he did when we first married.

I ask myself why I go through this over and over again in relationships and how this could happen with the man who supposedly committed his life to me? I ask myself why when I was born with a rare, metabolic disorder and was not expected to live.. my parents fought so hard for me to live; that I am meant to suffer over and over and over again like this? It would almost be better to have had some major physical and mental handicaps because then you are always like a child and your heart does not get broken so easily.

I would like to also know just how many tears one can cry because I just can’t seem to stop. If I stoop drinking water, do the tears stop, or do you just get dehydrated before you get sick and die?

I thank God for my animals because they have both been there for me during my break-downs and
give me a reason to get up. Right now, the focus is on packing and finding an apartment and I do think that will happen very soon.

His Family Support

We are looking at apartments. I will be out soon. I need to get out and cry and continue. I already cry.. every day. I am angry and empty and so, very hurt. He is keeping me on his health insurance. He is putting it in writing.

I want his family to be angry and turn against him. But, they still think he is wonderful. He is still so caring and wonderful. This must be really hard for him, blah, blah, blah. HIM! HIM! What about how hard it is for me? The one that has no choice but to accept this asshole decision of ending our marriage because the asshole doesn’t want to be married anymore? How can his family still think he is such a kind, considerate, caring, man?

Watching A Hunger Show While Eating- So Wrong

Yesterday, I was watching a ‘Feed The Children.’ program and I got hungry, so I took a break and made dinner and ate it while watching the rest of the show. This seems like a sin. These shows are showing starving people in other countries but its talking about food, so it made me hungry. Plus, it showed rice. Seriously wrong, I know.

I wonder if I hadn’t been born sickly and if I didn’t have all these health issues..just what I might have been in the long run? I’ve always wondered if I could have been one of those people who worked and lived in one of those countries or in a Mission somewhere serving people in need. I could see myself living with or near the homeless and destitute, and offering food and clothing and hope.

Sometimes, I wonder what my purpose really is.

Today is Mother’s Day, My Mother-In-Law’s Birthday, and our 12th Anniversary!

My mother has been deceased for the last 3 years, and I think I’ve decided to pretty much stay away from the Facebook posts about Mother’s Day and the WordPress ones also. I called my Mother-In-Law and wished her a Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day, and as for my Anniversary; this is the first one a part.

Different Mind-Set & Phone Book Done

I am doing two posts today at least, because this one is on my mind.

I wanted to clarify something about me and my husband. My husband and I have a great relationship. We are not attached at the hip like most couples and I am actually glad he got some time away.

However, it is a different mind-set knowing the reason he is gone. I hope this makes sense. When he is gone on a work trip or out with his buddies somewhere, I don’t feel at a loss a much. This was a vacation that we had both planned to celebrate our Anniversary and his mother’s Birthday. Of course, this is also our yearly trip. I chose a good reason not to go this time. (I woke up with a terrible headache this morning which is increasing.)

It is a bit unnerving to be alone in this house, when he is so far away. It is 1300 sq. feet which seems big. I do get comfort in knowing I have my Watch-Dog and cat with me. I look forward to moving to a Mobile-Home community where I would feel safer in these situations. I don’t know why. Maybe because neighbors houses are closer so you can call for help and also because when I am feeling well; I could walk to the pool and/or clubhouse or whatever. Plus, even though my husband wants more square footage in the next place; the way a Mobile Home is built, it does not feel bigger. They all feel more compact. I think if you take a room away. It just helps with the smaller area feeling.

Anyway, yesterday, I spent the entire day updating our new phone-book. I’d ordered it last year, I think, or maybe the beginning of this one. Both, my husband and I got tired of the old one falling apart and having scraps of paper with numbers falling out. I also watched television all day which probably isn’t good for a headache sufferer but there were some good movies on.

I think I may use this as a log of what I accomplish while he is gone.

*Don’t forget today is the Stamp-Out-Hunger-Food-Drive. If every household left 1 can of food, it would really make a difference in the lives of others.

My Mother’s Day Vacation

My husband is off to Vegas to spend time with his Mother and Aunt for Mother’s Day and Our Anniversary. It sort of sucks but it would be wrong to put myself through pain in a hotel room and have to deal with continuous lights and noise right now. I will spend Mother’s Day with my beautiful babies:

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I don’t know if I will get the Mary Poppins motivation this time. I seem to always fill with good intentions but can’t seem to follow through.

Perhaps it will be a good wknd to get some writing done on my book, since I am alone with quiet.

My Giving Addiction.

I can hardly believe it’s almost June which means the year is half over and I have hardly started Christmas shopping. According to my calculations (which I just did) I need to buy 4 gifts each month to keep up with my list. Even on disability, this should not be to hard as I don’t pick the most expensive of gifts. So, yesterday, I had fun going through one of my many gift catalogs and finding things for my husbands’ and my family. I actually enjoy picking things that I think they might like.

My gift-giving list has gone down from the past because people pass away, friendships are lost and some relatives tell me not to give to them.

Here’s the thing. If you know someone like me who Loves to give where giving means the world to them,(for whatever reason) it is really an insult for you to tell them not to give to you anymore. Honestly, it feels like a slap in the face; almost as if you don’t want me to care.
It does not matter if you like the gifts received, I do not go to your house and ask what you have done with them or where you have put them or why you aren’t using them, or whatever.

It is simply that you are taking my joy of caring away from me toward one more person; thereby diminishing the joy I get in choosing and giving a gift.

Unlike most, I love giving…especially at holidays. I think it my obsession, compulsion, addiction. It does not cause problems for me financially and I don’t see why it causes problems for the receiver. You are welcome to donate the gift, sell it, give it away, whatever, if it is not something you desire. However, don’t tell me.

I have one friend that gives things that are used. The thing with that is, she will announce before-hand that they were used and she either didn’t want it or didn’t like it, etc. so she gives it to me. I do find that a bit tacky because when it comes to re-gifting; I do not believe you shod announce the fact a head of time. She will also ask later on, what I did with the gift received. This puts me in a tough position because I don’t keep a lot of what she gives me. I do not lie to her, however, I do feel a bit bad when I tell her I donated something she gave me.

I do believe before you give something; you should know something about the persons interests (unless it is a neighbor..in which case, that can be tough) and go on that. You usually cannot go wrong with a favorite animal, favorite color or gift card. Of course, gift cards are iffy because it’s good to know where they shop.

Anyway, this blog post started with Christmas Shopping and somehow diverted. I get hurt sometimes when a homeless person turns me down after I offer a bag filled with clothing, soap, food, etc. If you are really homeless; why wouldn’t you accept that?

I think I’ve concluded I definitely have a Giving Addiction which is not a bad addiction to have.