Questions About My Nightmare

3-4 headache pills every day and the last one gives me solid sleep until I wake up with a nightmare. My husband is leaving me. My marriage is over.

So, I’m talking to his Aunt on the phone this morning going over the scenario again and it Hits! I mean.. Really Hits! I frickin want a nervous breakdown! I want to die. I don’t want this. I want to wake up to my old reality as husband and wife. I literally want to scream or throw something or freak out. I wind up calling my sister who calms me down a bit. She actually tells me I need to calm down..I can’t go to the hospital..he won’t go there. Then, she gets into why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

Tonight, we talk, the man and I. The one who is still my husband, for the moment. He got annoyed a bit in the afternoon because I posted on Facebook about the situation and his sister got upset. I think she told him, as did a few others who called and texted him and asked what was going on. I guess he was going to keep it a secret for a while. I don’t know why. If he really wants to leave so bad, what’s the big secret?

We aren’t fighting. We are actually still getting along as usual except for the fact that I cry constantly now. Little things set me off. We watched a show where the family went camping in a motor home reminding me that S. had wanted to rent a motor home and go camping together. Plus, S. actually announced that he just doesn’t love me anymore.

One positive in this mess. My moving out is going to be Expensive! He is paying my rent. Plus, I will need some new furniture. After getting me moved, he may only have enough to rent a room somewhere. Oh well. In that respect, I have no sympathy. I come first financially since his wish of freedom or whatever is being fulfilled.

We will be getting a Lawyer very soon.

In the meantime, I still cannot believe any of this. I still want to wake up. I want to smack him in the head with a brick and have him wake up and love me again like he did when we first married.

I ask myself why I go through this over and over again in relationships and how this could happen with the man who supposedly committed his life to me? I ask myself why when I was born with a rare, metabolic disorder and was not expected to live.. my parents fought so hard for me to live; that I am meant to suffer over and over and over again like this? It would almost be better to have had some major physical and mental handicaps because then you are always like a child and your heart does not get broken so easily.

I would like to also know just how many tears one can cry because I just can’t seem to stop. If I stoop drinking water, do the tears stop, or do you just get dehydrated before you get sick and die?

I thank God for my animals because they have both been there for me during my break-downs and
give me a reason to get up. Right now, the focus is on packing and finding an apartment and I do think that will happen very soon.

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Sorry so long..No excuses

Gosh, I hadn’t realized how long it’s been since I’ve written.  I try to write at least every other day.  I won’t use the I’ve been sick excuse (although I have) because that would be annoying and you would get tired of hearing it.  I just finished the last day of my Z-Pack today and started feeling a bit better yesterday.

I just finished playing Wii for an hour.  I consider that a work-out.  It was Wii Bowling, Tennis, Ping-Pong, etc.  but it still kept me moving so it is still considered fitness for this girl.

The weather today is cold for us.  I say for us because if I whine about the weather to much, my relatives in WA like to remind me that they have snow or are freezing or whatever; like it makes a difference.  I don’t choose to live in those type area’s where it is even colder to affect my headaches and sinuses.  I am not a cold weather person at all.

I saw my Metabolic Specialist yesterday who was quite impressed with the changes I’ve been making since I started seeing him.  Although I do need tokeep taking my pills correctly.  It gets tough sometimes with as many pills as I have to take; but that’s why I am on disability and it is nobody elses responsibility but my own.

As my husband keeps reminding me; my health is the most important thing in my life to keep track of.

Restaurant Reviews

For my birthday we went to Red Brick Pizza for dinner.  May have been a mistake since  I should not be eating Olive Oil.  Olive Oil is bad for my system due to my metabolic disorder, but I digress.  Oh my gosh, the pizza was so good.  Yes, mine was gluten-free.  They have a large gluten-free menu.  They have the freshest of ingredients.  I don’t remember CPK (California Pizza Kitchen) being that fresh.  Then, my husband took me to Sensitive Sweets in Fountain Valley, CA to get dessert.  Everything at Sensitive Sweets is made gluten-free, dairy-free, allergy-free, etc..  It is my favorite place to go.  However, it is quite expensive..  We spent $20.00 on 2 cupcakes, 4 cookies, a donut, and a muffin.  Mind you, these are like really small in size but they are good.

I think I am helping two families on  Aidpage.com this year.  You know in a way this isn’t any riskier then when I sent boxes to help homeless people or victims of floods or hurricanes, etc. in the past.  It’s even safer because people are actually asking for the help and you are getting a name and address..not to mention a background story.  You just have to choose who to believe.  The one lady already received my box and thanked me.  I think I am going to mail all my packages off today or tomorrow and get them out of here.  I cannot believe Christmas is coming so quickly.

My Mindset Switch

When something truly upsets me and I need to change my mindset I found a way to flip a switch in my brain and do just that.

This is what happened with my feelings on the child issue.

I grew up playing with dolls.  I loved dolls.  I was even in a magazine ad with the doll, ‘Baby Tender Love’ and my parents bought me the doll after that.  Heck, I probably would have been a good mother.  I remember I used to visit my friends and one friend thought I was nuts when I would sit on the floor and play a game with her son.  Plus, I loved baby-sitting and not just for the money.  I took care of three Lithuanian children for three weeks straight one Summer and the younger ones barely spoke English.

I was born with a very, rare, metabolic disorder and my parents and doctors kept stressing the fact that they didn’t know if I would survive having children or if  the child would survive .  I wound up marrying a man who did not want children.  Before we got married, we had actually broken up for a few because he decided he didn’t want children and I hadn’t made a decision yet.  While, I really like children, I really did not have that pull on my heartstrings (like most women) where I had to have a child to complete me..but if God blessed me with a child, I would definitely accept it.  Anyway, my husband (to be at the time) and I got back together and he said he really hadn’t decided ether and he loved me and if he had a child; it would be with me.

Then:..I had a pregnancy scare.  It turned out it was a Thyroid Problem..That is also when we discovered I had Kidney Disease.  That is also how I discovered my husbands feelings for children really had not changed and he DID NOT Want them.  In my heart I actually knew this fact but I must admit I was a bit surprised by the reaction..I told him to Get A Vasectomy.

About 1-2 years ago, my doctor informed me that I probably could never have had children even if I wanted to due to my ovaries or something.  He told me this was probably known even while I was young.  Now, this is the part that not only stunned me but really hurt.  If doctors had known this when I was young, why was it not told to me then?  It may have changed the people I dated plus it completely changes your feelings to know that you could never have been a natural mother even had you wanted to..So:

I changed my mindset when it comes to children.  It hurts to know I could never have had any had I wanted to.  The best thing to do is to focus on something else.  Babies are okay, but toddlers can get annoying.  Parents need to parent them.  I don’t want to play or get close. (Yes, Relatives, I will.)  Others that have the same disease I do have had normal children without the disease; I’ll bet doctors are wrong. But I’ve flipped that mental switch and that’s how I handle that situation.

2nd Situation

My husband has a relative I was really close to.  I was like her daughter, I thought.  I was not real close to my family and I really grew to love this one person; I would visit her and spend time with her just like a daughter would.  Then, she moved and I was devastated.  I knew it would completely change our dynamic.  She moved to be with her other relatives.  At first when we would visit her, I would cry on the way home and tell my husband I wanted to move the two-three hours drive away.  However, he said we were never going to move there.  He got tired of hearing it.  So:  I flipped the switch, I changed my mindset.  I did not start treating her differently but in my mind, I let her go and realized she is his family.   A marriage may be Yours, Mine and Ours but the outside families will always be His and Hers.

I mainly make the main focus now on us which is just Me and Him.

How do you deal with some of your issues?  Do you have a mind control switch like me or do you think maybe I am just crazy?  No wait, Remember my name.

Stillstrange

 

 

Day of Mentalness

Yesterday I visited my doctor at CHOC.  Yes, I’m an adult and still visit a Children’s Hospital due to my metabolic disorder.  It’s always fun when the nurse comes in and having not read the notes looks at you with surprise and confirms, “You’re the patient?”  I am gaining weight which is good (can we say more new clothes in the near future?) and they upped my Protein to 44 grams a day.  This is interesting because what they are doing is slowly upping my Protein to see how much I can handle.  With my disease, I am supposed to be on a low-protein diet so technically they are raising it to see what will make me sick.  Fun.

I use a cup to mix my formula which makes a total mess.  The lid either goes on to loose or to tight and and if you don’t hold it correctly, formula goes everywhere.  They told me about a cup called Sensa which supposedly has a ball in it that helps to mix the formula as well as has a better lid so I ordered one yesterday.  I also get to try a formula which is already mixed up.  I like the idea of it being already mixed up provided it doesn’t taste like crap.

After the doctor appointment yesterday, I had a Therapist appointment in the afternoon.

So, my day yesterday was really mental.

I am so happy my marriage is going well right now.  I love my husband so much.

The issues I deal with now have to do with my family.  Choices they have made which affect me indirectly but also directly in a way because I used to be semi-close to one of these relatives and I will really miss one of them.  Have you ever seen the movie, ‘South Pacific?’  There’s a song I’m thinking of now… this is the part I remember that relates.

“You’ve got to be taught before it’s to late.  Before you are 6 or 7 or 8.

To hate all the people your relatives hate, You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be carefully taught.”

The other mental aspect now is the person in my mind that will be… until I know for sure that he is dead.

Needless to say, today I need to get dressed and partake in some physical activities.  I do have one more doc appointment as well.  this one I am looking forward to a bit as I am sincerely hoping for some help.