3-4 headache pills every day and the last one gives me solid sleep until I wake up with a nightmare. My husband is leaving me. My marriage is over.
So, I’m talking to his Aunt on the phone this morning going over the scenario again and it Hits! I mean.. Really Hits! I frickin want a nervous breakdown! I want to die. I don’t want this. I want to wake up to my old reality as husband and wife. I literally want to scream or throw something or freak out. I wind up calling my sister who calms me down a bit. She actually tells me I need to calm down..I can’t go to the hospital..he won’t go there. Then, she gets into why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?
Tonight, we talk, the man and I. The one who is still my husband, for the moment. He got annoyed a bit in the afternoon because I posted on Facebook about the situation and his sister got upset. I think she told him, as did a few others who called and texted him and asked what was going on. I guess he was going to keep it a secret for a while. I don’t know why. If he really wants to leave so bad, what’s the big secret?
We aren’t fighting. We are actually still getting along as usual except for the fact that I cry constantly now. Little things set me off. We watched a show where the family went camping in a motor home reminding me that S. had wanted to rent a motor home and go camping together. Plus, S. actually announced that he just doesn’t love me anymore.
One positive in this mess. My moving out is going to be Expensive! He is paying my rent. Plus, I will need some new furniture. After getting me moved, he may only have enough to rent a room somewhere. Oh well. In that respect, I have no sympathy. I come first financially since his wish of freedom or whatever is being fulfilled.
We will be getting a Lawyer very soon.
In the meantime, I still cannot believe any of this. I still want to wake up. I want to smack him in the head with a brick and have him wake up and love me again like he did when we first married.
I ask myself why I go through this over and over again in relationships and how this could happen with the man who supposedly committed his life to me? I ask myself why when I was born with a rare, metabolic disorder and was not expected to live.. my parents fought so hard for me to live; that I am meant to suffer over and over and over again like this? It would almost be better to have had some major physical and mental handicaps because then you are always like a child and your heart does not get broken so easily.
I would like to also know just how many tears one can cry because I just can’t seem to stop. If I stoop drinking water, do the tears stop, or do you just get dehydrated before you get sick and die?
I thank God for my animals because they have both been there for me during my break-downs and
give me a reason to get up. Right now, the focus is on packing and finding an apartment and I do think that will happen very soon.