Worst Day & One Day At A Time

I might ramble today, but I guess that’s okay. In my situation. I allow myself to babble if I have to.

What’s the worst day in your life so far? Is it a friend or relative dying?, Is it a tornado or natural disaster and losing everything?, Is it a car accident and becoming disabled?, Is it having your heart broken over and over again and finding out after 12 years that the one you married and gave your wedding vows to – the one you decided to finally trust and believe in: the one you took his hand in a public ceremony and swore in front of the world to Love, Honor, Cherish, in Sickness and Health until Death Due You Part has decided the stakes are to high and is giving up?

I never thought I would be in this position in my life. I tried so hard to be the good wife. I’m tired of hearing, “It’s not you, it’s me.” That doesn’t help. It has to be me as well if I could not keep him around.

I never used to get up at 6 or earlier every day..to pack boxes. I never used to cry so many tears and literally start to shake and sob and run to take a Xanax; because the man who I thought loved me made a comment that set me off again.

People say one day at a time and they are right. If I focus on the big picture, I start to freak.

Today. Today, I need to sort out the desk drawers in the office and finish the box in the kitchen. I can do that. I also need to make sure the Renter’s Insurance will be ready. I can do that.

Tomorrow, I will sign the Lease and get the keys. I can’t think about it. I really can’t think about the rest of the week yet. If I do that, I get headaches. I get scared.

He is talking about selling the house soon.

I planted a potato in the backyard not to long ago. It hasn’t started growing yet. I wonder if it will grow for the next person who moves in. If it does, I suppose it will be my gift to them.

Pre-Surgery Day

It is 11:45 p.m. and I am thinking of eating more, not because I am hungry but because I cannot eat or drink anymore after midnight until my surgery is over.  My surgery is tomorrow at 11 a.m.    I am allowed the occasional sip of water should my mouth get extra dry tonight but that is it.  I admit I am starting to psych out a bit and imagine I am getting headaches.  I get headaches all the time under stress but I’ve already taken the two Tylenol allowed and it really is not much worse, plus, the Head-On is fine so I can use that.  I need to stop this psyching out stuff as it won’t help anything.  I gave it up to God.  How can I give it up to God if I am going to let Satan psych me out?    That is very contradictory.  I am going to get through this and I am going to be fine.  This is what I have been wanting for a long time.  To get rid of this horrible fissure I have had for over a year.  Two, maybe.  To have a life without pain when I walk or sit or take a shower or whatever and to have a normal life with my husband.  I won’t go into detail but some of you can guess. (For those of you that know us, don’t you dare tell him I said anything.)

In other news, I finished my novel today.  50,078 words.  It was actually 50,150 when I finished but I did some editing and corrected the wording a half hour or so later.  I am so excited that I met that goal.  I did something and didn’t quit.  My story proved interesting and disturbing.  I don’ know if I will get it published.  I really don’t know just what I would put it under.  It is kind of adult fiction and it deals with a girl who is searching for her father and discovers he is the leader of a Cult.  It goes into some horrible experiences of the members of the cult and some interesting things she learns about her life there.  Plus, how she finally escapes and what happens to him and the other cult members at the end.  There is quite a bit of graphic detail and drama so it would definitely not be children’s fiction.  Does adult fiction have an actual title?

Anyway, I had told a friend (actually, I may have simply posted it) that I would change the theme of my blog after I finished writing my novel on Nano.  I had the last theme because I wanted the Word count pop-up on the blog.  I finished the novel today so I changed the theme.  I hope you all like this one.

I’ll be back as soon as I can.  No guarantee’s on tomorrow.  I hear the pain is pretty bad and the antibiotics are pretty strong.  I’ll also be on Vicodin which will hopefully help me sleep.

Getting Ready

Okay, so tomorrow is the first day of Nanowrimo so if I don’t post much, that the reason.  I guess I’ll be writing in Word.  I will pop in periodically just to keep your interest,.  I guess a lot of people take part in this thing. My sister is even going to give it a try this year.  While I must say the title sounds juvenile, “NaNowrimo”, almost like baby talk… I really like the concept and am both nervous and excited all at the same time.

Kit Quit?

I live in So. CA and we’ve had at least 4 moderate sized Earthquakes within the last two days.  I’ve lived here all my life and I still hate them.  There were two last night and one was around this time.  It was a 4.5, then another one was right after it.  So, it seemed like it lasted  a while.

Then, this morning we had a 4.4  or they may have dropped that down to a 4.1 with a 3.4 an hour or so later.  Who knows just how many aftershocks we’ve actually had since then nor how many I’m not sure I felt,  but yes, my nerves are still rattled.

The news is alway’s going on about The Big One and being prepared.  But, one can never really be prepared, can they?  I took out my cat’s carrier plus I updated my Earthquake Kit today so it has some gluten-free foods and some foods that are safe to eat and haven’t expired.  But, then I got to thinking.  How many survivor stories have you read or heard about where the person was so thankful they had their Earthquake Safety Kit until help came.?    I mean, it just doesn’t happen.  With our luck, the kit is going to be out of reach and/or we would have to run out to fast anyway.

Nervous About Driving

I have a doctor appointment next week and I need to drive myself of which I am nervous because it’s at 8:30 a.m. and there will be a lot of traffic.  I never used to be nervous of driving in traffic .  My husband has been going to these appointments with me and he is going to take me this wknd and show me how to get there and where to park to make things easy for me.  It’s funny because it is actually located in Orange across from the hospital where I was born and I even used to live across the street from the hospital, plus, I used to visit my mother when she was in a home down the street and in the same hospital.  One time, I even picked her up from the hospital and took her to the home. 

 It’s  just that my mind has spun out over the year or so and I still feel as if I am sort of not normal or not myself and never will be.