I Wonder How Long Until Happiness Sets In

It’s been three weeks, as of yesterday. I don’t post every day because my days fade into each other. I watch t.v., I write letters, I call people, I play with the cat, I do the normal activities I have to..like eat, etc. I play games on Facebook, I still cry.

I’m done unpacking. I don’t want to do it anymore. There’s one more box that may have more towels although its marked Halloween. I’m missing some towels. I remember buying them. Or, maybe not. I’m not thinking straight. I keep putting stuff down and forgetting where it is. Sometimes, after being on the computer for a long time, I forget where I am and I think I’m at home..the other house..in the old kitchen and I’m surprised when I look to my left and I don’t see the kitchen table or the garage door. Then, my mind is back.

I still get headaches, I’m still not sleeping like I want to. Last night, I fell asleep while talking to a friend on the phone. That was rude. Luckily, he understands. He, yeah, it’s okay though. He is my best friend. The one I told you about. The one I got re-connected with.

I’ve seen the Psychologist twice but that didn’t work. He kept agreeing with me. Anything I said, he said, “Uh-Huh”, It’s good to feel that way”, “You’re right” He made me talk for the whole 45 minutes. What a waste. I could talk on the phone or to the cat for 45 minutes. I don’t need him. If I need to pay someone, I’ll get a Therapist, not a Psychologist. The last Therapist I had was nice but she was overly-religious and talked about herself all the time when she wasn’t preaching about God.

The manager introduced me to a lady who lives in the complex. A single lady with a cat. I got brave and knocked on her door yesterday, but she wasn’t home. Maybe some day we can drown our sorrows, or at least share our stories over a cup of tea. Guess I’m not the only Cat Lady in the complex.

A stupid guy who I thought was a friend tried to hit on me and wanted to spend the night. I got really pissed off! How dare men take advantage of this situation! First of all, I am separated, not divorced and from a Christian standpoint (which I and supposedly this man was) that is not moral and is considered Adultery. Secondly, I have so much emotion around me right now; I am so sad and angry about having been abandoned like this. I have already bought a shirt that says, “The More I Meet Of Men, The More I Like My Cat.” The last thing I need right now is another man coming into my life messing me up. I need supportive friends. “Friends” can be male or female. Needless to say, that guy and I had some serious words and he is OUT! Off of Facebook, Out! I did tell him I would continue as acquaintances but I don’t think that is going to work either. But wait, are your enemies still your acquaintances?

I wonder what HE does with his time, when not getting the house fixed up by his uncle. Wknds are when we used to go for drives with the dog and laugh over t.v. shows which I can hardly watch in full anymore without crying. I wonder if HE and the dog watch those same t.v. shows in full and he can laugh at them as normal without missing those weird comments I used to make. I wonder if HE eats anything healthy other then Bananas. I wonder if we really could be “friends” as HE wants to..months in the future. I wonder how my life spun out of control the way it did and if I will ever be happy again.

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Still Sick and Thinking Realistically

Still sick which doesn’t surprise me. I could not do it and still talked on the phone.
I only have to take the dog stuff over today and that’s it since I have just re-scheduled my Psych appointment to next week. It’s a bad idea to see the Psych today when my body and head are already foggy, plus, I need to talk during those appointments.

HE won’t be there to drop off the dog stuff since HE is working.

I was thinking last night and yes, you (all of you) are correct. 2% is a number HE picked out of the air to give me for any hope of getting back together in the future because I need/needed one. He knows it would break my heart if he said Never. I’m not quite sure how far this goes back that he has been Serious about leaving me. I really believed some or most of his comments were in jest.

I keep saying I want to hold onto something. But, as you have pointed out, why hold onto someone who doesn’t love you? Because this is the man who once DID love me. This is the man who walked down the aisle with me swearing before God and the world that he would love me, “In Sickness and in Health Until Death Do Us Part!” This is the man that loved me enough to give me his kidney so I could live. Yet, somehow, there was a turn in his mind.

Maybe it’s because I am a woman but I plead, beg and search for a legitimate answer. Anything to tell me just what and when our lives went so very wrong. Seriously, I need to accept the reason that I was sick to much? That makes him sound very selfish and carries on the trend of almost all my previous relationships. Was he thinking of this before or after he wanted separate bedrooms because he said my nightmares and side effects from meds kept him awake?
I would be happier if I found a picture or any other evidence of him having had an affair because I would get an answer. I could connect the being sick to much and lack of sex to the affair and it would make sense.

What kills me is..there is no closure. Not in the divorce, separation sort of sense. I still need to get myself ready for that. In the whole reasoning sense. This is worse then every other break-up I’ve had because there have been reasons for those. Some of which were stupid.

He is very determined and stubborn. Usually when he sets his mind to something, he does it. If he has really set his mind that this is final, there is to be no 2 or any %. No matter how much I cry, beg or pray. I know I need to wrap my mind around that.

What you all need to understand is I can’t go one minute hearing I definitely want to separate, two weeks later in an apartment and BOOM! be Divorced! It is to much in one swoop. This is why I am taking time to digest all this and slowly face reality and all facts. Facts. Not reasons; because I can’t find anything legitimate. I am starting to understand (on my own) there is no hope for a future with him. The acceptance part has not exactly set in but it is coming; the preparedness in my head is starting. It is not HIM calling the shots, it is me.

I will always love him in my heart but I will never understand and to have no closure; No real reason, Other then to say “You are sick to much”, or “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m not in love with you” or “I don’t like responsibility” just doesn’t cut it. I would rather have something more specific.

I am/was not a clingy wife. I did not put boundaries on my husband. I did not set rules. I’ll always remember when he we had this conversation:

S: “After we get married, Am I still going to be able to play Basketball?”

Me: “What do mean? Are you going to break your arm?”

S. “Well, some guys are saying when you get married the girls change and don’t let you do anything anymore.”

Me.: “When you get married, you add to each others lives; not subtract from them. Of course you can still play Basketball and I will still Karaoke.”

So, HE played Basketball and Volleyball and Softball, I Karaoke and Write. We did things together. We went to movies, car rides, things that pertain to animals..like the zoo, gambling trips, etc. probably not as much as he would have liked due to my being sick. But, we did things.

Since I had health issues that affected our sexual life: I didn’t mind if he looked at porn on the computer. I gave him time and stayed in the other room; if he and a buddy wanted to go to a strip club once in a while it was fine. Although, I did notice it become a bit more current within the last few months.

I gave the man everything he wanted and in return he leaves after 12 years of marriage. Without giving me the one thing I really need. A legitimate, true, reason.

Continuous Posting

I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

PETEY DID IT!!!

HE DID IT! Petey pee’d on the patio! This is a break through. I used a combination of things people were suggesting including taking him out for the last time around 9:30 and not leaving much water down for the rest of the night. I also left him out for an hour or so at a time a few times during the day while feeling guilty as he would only whine and lay down and look at me. But, this morning at 5, I woke up and put him out for a few knowing he had to go and went in the other room. When I got back, there was a big, fresh puddle on the patio. He did it! I was/am so proud. I immediately canceled the Dog Litter Box purchase. Having had a kidney transplant and being immuno-suppressed, I know it really isn’t good for my immune system to be cleaning litter boxes all the time, and I already deal with Firepie. Petey can do it and that is what matters.

As for yesterdays post, I sincerely hope HE doesn’t hate me now. I really hope HE understands my reasoning. I know HE can be impulsive. I really hope my requests for privacy (minus important communication) doesn’t backfire and make him step away further and quicker.

I also got to thinking, what if I can’t do this? Keep the boundaries, I have set. I’m sure we will be friendly to each other during the garage sale (whenever that may be) but other then that, it is hard to explain how much this rule I have made is killing me. Before we got married, we were friends.

It’s only been 6 days and I still (will I always?) think as his wife. I wonder if he has clean laundry. I wonder if his food supply is starting to run low. In my heart, I want to do his laundry and mine together when I drop off Petey tomorrow. But, I AM NOT DOING THAT! As a matter of fact, I am not even doing my laundry there. Which is another issue because I’m not sure I want to do it here either. They have nice laundry rooms but if I go to a nearby laundry mat, I could just stay there and read a book or watch t.v. until it is all done completely.

Today, I am planning on getting more boxes unpacked and putting my shower curtain rod and curtain up. I may not want to think of this place as home, but I still need to deal. I haven’t washed my hair in over a week, I’m avoiding doing laundry on the property because if I start doing laundry on the property I am admitting that I live here. (refer to above paragraph). I need to call and write some doctors and let them know what is going on soon too, and soon I need to get re-started on some of my medical procedures. Today, I also need to pay bills, buy stamps, and make sure Petey has a can of food to visit his dad this wknd.

I really hope this wknd won’t screw him up on his using the patio and HE remembers not to let Petey use the Dog Door.

Even The Dog Is Confused

Yesterday when I texted HIM (I think that is how I will refer to him now for a bit) I mentioned that if he wanted to keep up on how I was, he was welcome to follow this blog. After all, in my mind, we are still husband and wife..just separated, and in this way; he will know what is going on. But, he will not be responsible for any of it. Actually, that’s not true. He is responsible for most all of it. He is the reason I and the animals are here.

Anyway, he read yesterdays blog entry and texted me. I know he read it because he used one of the same terms I did. he was not supposed to comment that way, he was supposed to comment anonymously here on this site. Or, if HE wishes to be himself and admit HE is my husband, he can be prepared for the fall-out of anyone who may comment to HIM. If I text back, we get into a conversation and I become his friend..which is what he wants. I cannot do that. If I let myself become a “friend.” I will never be able to become his wife again. (That may not happen anyway.) After all, I’m not supposed to hold onto that 2% chance right now. I will reiterate that it is to painful to communicate and be a friend. I said I will communicate about the house, or the dog, or the garage sale. But, not chit-chat. Keep it business. He Cannot, Did Not and Will Not change his mind in 3 days. This came close once before and he changed his mind in one day..but I guess really didn’t. Or, I wouldn’t be here.

Okay, So last night I’m taking Petey for a walk at 10:30. He refuses to go potty in the back yard. This is ridiculous. So today, I go to Home Depot where I buy a Shower Rod. I find one but I don’t see directions on how it extends. Last time, I bought the wrong size. I realize the last one I got was actually a Towel Rod. I almost lose it but I tell myself; NO, you are not going to lose it in the middle of Home Depot. I also bought a plug strip. The guy at the store called it a Strip. (In his text, HE said he had the strip, but I was not going to make the extra trip over there to get it). One of the main reasons I went to Home Depot is because someone suggested getting one of those boxes where you put them together and put them on the patio with grass so I won’t have to take Petey out so late. I go to Home Depot near me and purchase one. The Home Depot I go to does not have the sod or grass though so I call the one near my old house that does and I go their after, BUT: the girl there tells me it will stain the patio. IT WON”T WORK! At least I didn’t waste the $50.00. At least, I’m at a Home Depot, so I can return it and get my money back. I thought about potty pads for pets but I can’t leave them outside or they will blow away. Petey is 14 years old and doesn’t really like change.

Petey

Petey

Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?

I have an appointment with a new Psychologist tomorrow who is only 5 minutes away.

Important Question!..

Will someone in the medical field please answer the following question:

Has the law changed and do they automatically test for STD’s during a physical or do you have to ask for it?

Questions About My Nightmare

3-4 headache pills every day and the last one gives me solid sleep until I wake up with a nightmare. My husband is leaving me. My marriage is over.

So, I’m talking to his Aunt on the phone this morning going over the scenario again and it Hits! I mean.. Really Hits! I frickin want a nervous breakdown! I want to die. I don’t want this. I want to wake up to my old reality as husband and wife. I literally want to scream or throw something or freak out. I wind up calling my sister who calms me down a bit. She actually tells me I need to calm down..I can’t go to the hospital..he won’t go there. Then, she gets into why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

Tonight, we talk, the man and I. The one who is still my husband, for the moment. He got annoyed a bit in the afternoon because I posted on Facebook about the situation and his sister got upset. I think she told him, as did a few others who called and texted him and asked what was going on. I guess he was going to keep it a secret for a while. I don’t know why. If he really wants to leave so bad, what’s the big secret?

We aren’t fighting. We are actually still getting along as usual except for the fact that I cry constantly now. Little things set me off. We watched a show where the family went camping in a motor home reminding me that S. had wanted to rent a motor home and go camping together. Plus, S. actually announced that he just doesn’t love me anymore.

One positive in this mess. My moving out is going to be Expensive! He is paying my rent. Plus, I will need some new furniture. After getting me moved, he may only have enough to rent a room somewhere. Oh well. In that respect, I have no sympathy. I come first financially since his wish of freedom or whatever is being fulfilled.

We will be getting a Lawyer very soon.

In the meantime, I still cannot believe any of this. I still want to wake up. I want to smack him in the head with a brick and have him wake up and love me again like he did when we first married.

I ask myself why I go through this over and over again in relationships and how this could happen with the man who supposedly committed his life to me? I ask myself why when I was born with a rare, metabolic disorder and was not expected to live.. my parents fought so hard for me to live; that I am meant to suffer over and over and over again like this? It would almost be better to have had some major physical and mental handicaps because then you are always like a child and your heart does not get broken so easily.

I would like to also know just how many tears one can cry because I just can’t seem to stop. If I stoop drinking water, do the tears stop, or do you just get dehydrated before you get sick and die?

I thank God for my animals because they have both been there for me during my break-downs and
give me a reason to get up. Right now, the focus is on packing and finding an apartment and I do think that will happen very soon.

His Family Support

We are looking at apartments. I will be out soon. I need to get out and cry and continue. I already cry.. every day. I am angry and empty and so, very hurt. He is keeping me on his health insurance. He is putting it in writing.

I want his family to be angry and turn against him. But, they still think he is wonderful. He is still so caring and wonderful. This must be really hard for him, blah, blah, blah. HIM! HIM! What about how hard it is for me? The one that has no choice but to accept this asshole decision of ending our marriage because the asshole doesn’t want to be married anymore? How can his family still think he is such a kind, considerate, caring, man?

Could Marijuana Help? (+ other topics)

I woke up yesterday coughing, sore throat, headaches, etc. the works. Good thing I already have an appointment scheduled with my Primary today for a consult re: my headaches.

It’s looking more and more like our 12th Anniversary is going to be spent here with me alone with the animals and my husband in Vegas with his Aunt and Mother. Honestly, it will probably be better that way, this year. When I feel decent; I actually do enjoy being alone. I have these visions that I am going to be like Mary Poppins and thoroughly clean the house from top to bottom and it is going to be sparkling and shiny, but alas, that never works because the shredding alone is overwhelming.

I think I’ll just call and cancel Firepie’s boarding reservation + let our pet sitter know. I really don’t see drastic changes in the next four days. Plus, even if I did start feeling better, I would probably get worse again as soon as we got there or home; what with all the smoke, noise, etc.

Back to the headache note: I wonder if Marijuana can help headaches. I think it is legal here (at least with a doctors note). I may look into it. I can’t imagine smoking it, but I remember saying I could not imagine giving myself a shot either and now I have no problem with that. I doubt that’s an option the doctor will discuss with me today, but you never know.

How Natural is Capri Sun?

So, today I called the company number from the Capri Sun Lemonade pouch because I threw the main box away and I needed to know if it iwas gluten safe.  It had a few ingredients on the pouch but very few and just because something is “all natural” really tells me nothing.  After all, “Wheat” is “all natural” and that is what I cannot have.

Anyway, so, I talk to a Customer Service Rep whom I think said her name was Lori and she asks me for the bar code #.  I’d already told her I threw the main box away but I tell her again and she says, “Well, that’s a problem since the ingredients are listed on the box.” She goes on to say that their products are mainly gluten-free but cannot be guaranteed gluten-free because they are made in a facility that processes wheat and other items that contain gluten; so she recommends if anyone has a gluten allergy or sensitivity to throw the product away.  I’m like, “What?, I don’t have the box and you don’t have a list of the ingredients in this product of Lemonade?”  (That didn’t make sense to me at all.) and she says, “No, because of the date on the batch. You need the ingredients of the specific date of the batches.”  Needless to say, after that call, I did not throw the Lemonade away (I had like 9 pouches left, but I did give them to a neighbor after asking if her children drank the stuff.

I do find it very odd that the ingredients may be different depending on the date of the batches.  I just think the Customer Service girl was going by the information on the internet which was the same thing I did, and did not have the box handy..in which case. She was no real help at all.  Needless to say, if you are gluten-intolerant or gluten-sensitive. I would stay away from that stuff.

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