Worst Day & One Day At A Time

I might ramble today, but I guess that’s okay. In my situation. I allow myself to babble if I have to.

What’s the worst day in your life so far? Is it a friend or relative dying?, Is it a tornado or natural disaster and losing everything?, Is it a car accident and becoming disabled?, Is it having your heart broken over and over again and finding out after 12 years that the one you married and gave your wedding vows to – the one you decided to finally trust and believe in: the one you took his hand in a public ceremony and swore in front of the world to Love, Honor, Cherish, in Sickness and Health until Death Due You Part has decided the stakes are to high and is giving up?

I never thought I would be in this position in my life. I tried so hard to be the good wife. I’m tired of hearing, “It’s not you, it’s me.” That doesn’t help. It has to be me as well if I could not keep him around.

I never used to get up at 6 or earlier every day..to pack boxes. I never used to cry so many tears and literally start to shake and sob and run to take a Xanax; because the man who I thought loved me made a comment that set me off again.

People say one day at a time and they are right. If I focus on the big picture, I start to freak.

Today. Today, I need to sort out the desk drawers in the office and finish the box in the kitchen. I can do that. I also need to make sure the Renter’s Insurance will be ready. I can do that.

Tomorrow, I will sign the Lease and get the keys. I can’t think about it. I really can’t think about the rest of the week yet. If I do that, I get headaches. I get scared.

He is talking about selling the house soon.

I planted a potato in the backyard not to long ago. It hasn’t started growing yet. I wonder if it will grow for the next person who moves in. If it does, I suppose it will be my gift to them.

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“He’s Abandoned Me..Love Don’t Live Here Anymore”

I knew I was in trouble today when I started looking up Gluten-Free Alcohol on the internee. I don’t drink anymore due to all my meds and haven’t in over a year. So, instead I had another crying attack and took a Xanax. Every day. Every day, I need one Xanax. Just one. My one a day happy pill. If that’s a horrible addition, to bad. At this time, I need it. Sometimes, it gets terrible. Sometimes, I want God to take me away. Sometimes I want to wake up from this horrible, awful nightmare and I want my husband back.

We bought furniture today. We also bought a refrigerator. No, he bought furniture today and refrigerator that I picked out. Then, I went to Target and got more stuff. Moving is expensive. Over $800.00 today alone. Wednesday, I actually sign the lease, the change of address card has been put in, the utilities are scheduled to start, the moving truck and furniture delivery is scheduled for Friday. Furniture arrangement is being discussed, cable options are being looked into, every room in the house is being gone through meticulously. Keep this.. Sell this..This is his. My Nightmare Dream is getting closer.

The diarrhea continues, I’m getting nauseated, I eat on auto-pilot, I can hardly sleep. He says he doesn’t love me anymore. I want to shake him. “Do something! Love Me Again!” “Stop this Sh It! I don’t want to do this. I want to crawl into a ball and cry or die or sleep.

And, that’s the only excuse now. “I just don’t love you anymore. I told you we could live as friends, but you don’t want to do that.” NO! I don’t want to do that. This isn’t t.v. I don’t want a roommate situation. I want a husband and wife relationship. Most every time you run out of something.. you get a refill of the same thing but it sounds like the refills are up too.

Good-Night
I’ll be in touch soon.

With Or Without Him

When I am with him, I am okay. Because he acts as if nothing has changed. We are friendly to each other. I can’t fight with him. There is no reason to. I don’t know why I still buy him food and do his laundry. Yes, I do because the mindset is not here yet. However: the packing goes on. We will be separating but without legal separation papers at first because that costs money and as he said, “If we do that; we may as well just get the divorce.” but, we can’t get the divorce due to medical insurance.” At least, not yet. Maybe in 9 months, he will have had a raise or maybe I will know where/if I am going. I may like the apartment so much; I’ll want to keep renting.

I think my headaches have decreased a bit because he is still here. It has only semi-hit. Like a compact car verses a big-rig. However, my stomach is in knots big time. Crazy diarrhea. I thought it was my diet which could play a factor as I was just starting to keep track again like I was supposed to, but it’s a combination of everything, I think. I know stress can play havoc on your body.

I am praying to hear from the apartments today with the approval of everything and the actual date finalized. In actuality, we only paid for the credit check. They are doing a thorough background investigation. In the meantime, there was a 2nd apartment that was perfect as far as location, amenities and square footage. They had said one would be available on the 8th or sooner. If they called tomorrow and said one was available; I may change my mind due to location purposes. But, they won’t. They aren’t even listed online anymore. This is stress talking. This is so freaky going to a new place, being in limbo and not knowing when, knowing I am going on my own,

I just took the dog to the vet a few days ago but I think I may have to take him again. He seem to be whining and curling himself up which he does when he back starts to bother him, plus, he is scooting and needs an anal express. The vet know the situation, I’m in. Maybe they can just give him some hydrocortisone without an office visit. They’ve done it before.

Sharing To Much

Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has advice. They may have been through a similar situation but it is NOT the same. They were not married to the same man. They do not have the same disabilities as I. They are not in the same financial situation. One thing I’ve learned from this experience is not to share the finer details anymore about the issues. We are doing things our way. Yes, I said “We.” He is still my husband at the moment. Legally, we are still married. We start divorce proceedings (the paperwork aspect or the consultation or whatever) on Monday. He is supportive in that way and will continue to be. That is nobody’s business but mine!

We looked at apartments all day. We actually signed for one as far as having the credit checked. It is a cute condo. However, the more I’ve been thinking about it. I really want a one-bedroom with a back yard area for the dog. The condo had a front patio only which, would prove awkward for the dog, and it was a bit small.

Emotionally, I contacted my doctor who gave me Xanax to calm down. After one pill, I know it can be addictive. I think I may only need one a day or so. It gets me back on an even keel. I stop crying, I literally float in a euphoric fog. I also sleep. Last night I finally slept over 5 hours straight. It was wonderful!

My thoughts still go in and out as I pack. I’ve accepted it to a point. But, things won’t really hit until I move out which may not be to soon because I am finding it hard to find a one-bedroom that takes pets, with a small yard, in a decent price range. I found one will open up in mid-June. It’s 900 square feet which would be fantastic.

I’m willing to wait, if necessary. I mean..we don’t fight. Especially now I have my Xanax to fall back on. But, a month? I don’t know. The packing?..The acceptance? I am liable to forget just why I am packing at all if I wait to long.

His Family Support

We are looking at apartments. I will be out soon. I need to get out and cry and continue. I already cry.. every day. I am angry and empty and so, very hurt. He is keeping me on his health insurance. He is putting it in writing.

I want his family to be angry and turn against him. But, they still think he is wonderful. He is still so caring and wonderful. This must be really hard for him, blah, blah, blah. HIM! HIM! What about how hard it is for me? The one that has no choice but to accept this asshole decision of ending our marriage because the asshole doesn’t want to be married anymore? How can his family still think he is such a kind, considerate, caring, man?

Friends & Recluses

There are two types of people in this world, I’ve discovered: (probably more)

The ones who divulge absolutely nothing about their lives unless you are talking or seeing them in person or unless you ask tons of questions to pull it out of them, and the others who share everything so you can rejoice when they are happy and sympathize/cry with them when they are sad.   I belong to the 2nd set.  Sometimes, I think I talk to much, however, I like my friends to be informed as to what is going on.  Most of my friends (and my husband) belong to the first set, which gets hard.

A friend’s sister has been keeping everyone updated via Facebook about her/his mother being in hospital.  Their mother just died a few days ago.  I have left numerous messages with him and he has not even called me.  I have sent him a personal sympathy gift and I am also sending some flowers to the church.  However, I must say his Not contacting me is a bit of a surprise especially after leaving messages.  It also hurts a bit.  I know he has a lot of family, but still.

I have had situations with other friends who have had important situations occur and did not bother to contact me.  Yet, I would get a hold of them as soon as possible should the same thing occur with me.

I remember my therapist saying I expected to much from people.  I guess when you only have 5 or so friends that you consider “close”, you kind of want them to  share the most important things in their lives with you.  At least I do.

I start to wonder if maybe it is because I do not live close enough to see them as often as we  like, or maybe it is because I am sick all the time  Or maybe, it is because I care to much and I need to stop caring so much for others.

Maybe this is one reason I am turning into a Recluse in a way,  and liking it more and more with my computer friends..indoors

My Communication Advice To Men

Gentlemen:

Let’s talk about communication and/or lack of it.  Some of us women really do need you to be honest and blunt at times.  Or, maybe just to get to the point of how you really feel or what it is you really do or don’t want.  Example:

I would like to move to a mobile home community with a clubhouse, pool, etc.  I’ll even consider a Townhouse, Condo community…somewhere that has some sort of acticitivies –  swimming, spa, etc. on the premises.  My husband and I have discussed retiring at Leisure World in Seal Beach however; I would like to experience this sort of place before we retire due to my health issues.

We actually looked at a mobile home recently and he let me give my card to the Realtor and told the Realtor if he found something in our price range, he (my husband) would probably consider it.  Here’s the thing.  It’s been over a week now and the Realtor and I have been in contact over the phone and internet.  He has already sent a pic of one mobile home which did not work out at all due to the space rent, and the 2nd one I inquired on was not in the greatest of parks nor did it fit our park qualifications. The Realtor wanted to talk to me this week about what we wanted in parks and possibly to get together to see a bit of what I liked.  So, we were getting closer.

I sat down with S. (my husband) this morning and had a talk which went something like this:

Me- “I thought you wanted to do this.”

S- “Well, I do but not right now.  We aren’t ready.”

Me- “I know.  Our house isn’t up for sale.  We really don’t have that much to do to it.”

S- “I know. I just am not ready to do it right now.”

Me- “Ok, so do you just want me to tell the Realtor to forget it for now?  Because otherwise, we are going to find something and I am going to beg you for it.”

S.- “Yes, We should probably stop wasting his time.”

Me- “Okay, but we better have this discussion again in the future because if I die before I get in a community like that.  I am going to haunt you, I promise.”

There was more to the conversation but that was the main portion.

Needless to say, I sent the Realtor a nice e-mail explaining the situation and telling him we are keeping his info and will get in touch in the future should our feelings change.

Yes, we will discuss this again.

The thing is.  Every conversation I have had with the Realtor, I have told S. about.  He could have stopped me any time.  I got so excited when he allowed me to give the Realtor my card.  I really thought we were moving in the moving direction.

Guys-If you don’t want to do something such as MOVE.  Don’t let your wives seriously look at places and communicate with a Realtor.  That makes no sense.  And, when she brings up the topic, stop avoiding it like a disease. (he did that like 3x when I said we needed to talk about it.).  It would have been very upsetting had I found the perfect house and then he said he didn’t want or wasn’t ready to move.

Some of us women don’t want to play games.  When we ask you if the dress looks big, you can tell us.  Of course, you should probably know your woman well enough to know if you can answer that question honestly, and be careful how you actually phrase that answer.  It’s better to say, “I think you may want to wear something else” than to say, “Yeah, that makes you look like a Heifer.”  Just saying.

Also, sometimes (rarely) when you ask us what’s wrong and we say “Nothing.” It might really mean Nothing or better yet,  it might mean we don’t want to talk about it.  Here’s a thought, stop talking to us.  Go away and let us cool down, think, cry, whatever we were doing when you asked the question.  If you continue with the questioning, it could go bad.  Sometimes the problems have to do with you and other times they are just hormonal.

It’s sort of like when women ask you what you are thinking about (I don’t know why they ask that, I don’t think I have ever asked my husband that one.) and you say “Nothing.”  Seriously, I’ve learned a lot about the male brain so that doesn’t really surprise me.  No offense intended.

My Opinion/Solution On Gay Marriage

So, I just read another post on the Gay Marriage issue.  I wasn’t going to discuss this since I hate debates ( and really won’t do so) but I had a thought.

First of all,  let me clarify that I am against Gay Marriage.  I am a Christian.  I believe in the Bible and it’s teachings.  I cannot and do not get into debates especially with family members because my husband and most of his family are on the other side.  The Bible has many verses against Homosexuality.  Adam and Eve were brought together, and marriage is when man and wife come together as one under the eyes of God.

Anyway, here was my thought:  Since Gay people are going on and on about it being an equal right issue or taking away their freedoms, or whatever,  Why don’t you just term it “Marriage.” when you get married by a member of the clergy, and a “Union” when you don’t; and keep all taxes the same according to the states or whatever… for either service.  The taxes can be the same but terms can be different depending on who you are married/ in union by.  You see how simple things can be?  I should be in the White House.

By the way, someone wrote something about Marriage and how we should all be free to marry who or what we want.  This is what I was afraid of.  This is where we are headed you know.  Next, people will want to marry their dog if this passes because they should be free to do so.  Otherwise, we will be taking that right away from them.

Just my thoughts on the subject.

Here’s another thought;  how can thoughts be up for debate?  Discussion..okay.  Debate? NO!  I’ve told you my beliefs and idea.  Your not going to change my mind but you’re welcome to share your view provided you are polite about it.  Please Don’t slam me for my opinion/belief.  That really gets us nowhere.

I really wish they would just make a decision soon and get this whole matter over with so we could all focus on other issues..like the economy..and just stop talking about it soon anyway.

*I changed a part of my thought after a comment was made.  Hopefully that helped a bit.

*I changed my title after another comment was made, however, it led to a spam type main page so I did not post the actual comment.  I do not post comments that link to ad type pages.  Should whoever you are be reading this.  Thank you for your opinion.  I hope this title works better.

Very Interesting Searches

Did you hear the news?  “Tom Leykis said the Miata is gay.”  That’s one of the top searches on WordPress so it must be true and one of the top searches to my site, but if Tom Leykis said it..well, we all must follow and believe.  I used to listen to Tom. .until he left the radio.  That was a sad day in my book.  You know he does make a lot of sense even for women.  It’s to bad, I didn’t listen to him much earlier when I dated (okay, met up with) a guy only on Thursdays.

*Keep it clean please, my friends and family read this page and for those who haven’t heard Tom and don’t know full past history; let’s keep them in the dark of my beautiful reputation*.  Yep, I was this guys Thursday girl and he never really wanted to go anywhere or do anything especially if it meant being in public or with anyone we might know.  God forbid, if it should become boyfriend/girlfriend.  Had I known the Thursday rating at the time; I would have kicked him to the curb before I learned the true meaning of it all. and the fact that he was lying about being in the National Guard or at least going as often as he did and was actually seeing someone else and became “engaged” after telling me he did not want a relationship with anyone.

Anyway, I guess now, Tom says the Miata car is gay.  Sorry, this one I’m not sure I agree with.  Then again, if you mean only when a man drives it.  I do think a Miata is more a woman’s car but it also depends on the year.  I love my beautiful 93 Miata!  She is awesome looking and she is a classic this year.  She is a female and she is definitely not Gay or a Lesbian either.  Thank you very much.

 

R1-06786-000A

Next search.

“I went to a party and got sore throat.” How terrible for you.  I wake up with sore throat, I get sore throats when people sneeze around me or when I don’t wear my mask while cleaning or, I don’t know.  Who knows how you get a sore throat?  I have one now.  I think we need to gargle supposedly with salt water and use lots of Chloraseptic and don’t talk and..hmm.  I could give lots more advice but you’ve found my site so now you know a lot about sore throats.

There were more interesting searches this time but these were the ones that caught my eye that I thought I would share tonight and of course a picture of my non-gay car.  I named her ‘Miracle’ because it’s a miracle I ever got a convertible.

Resolutions, Giving & Faithful Followers

Happy New Year!  My Resolution is:  Not To Make One.  I gave up on that years ago.  I have ADD.  I can barely concentrate enough to keep up with housework.  I shocked myself by completing a novel in Nanowrimo, but I still haven’t finished editing it or done anything more.  Anyway, if you resolve something, I wish you luck.

I want to talk about giving for a minute and obligations or feeling obligated.  When it comes to the holidays do you really feel obligated to give when you have received something or how about obligated to give..peried?  I believe that is so wrong and takes out the entire meaning of the Holiday.  Shouldn’t the spirit of giving come from your heart and shouldn’t the reception just be thank-you?  Here’s an example:  I gave my neighbor a small Christmas gift.  I know she likes Nativities and I found a small Nativity statue thing.  I snuck it over there on the 23rd so she would not have time to run to the store and buy me something, because I know they are having financial issues.  She called me up after Christmas and left me a msg thanking me and saying she would bring something over later.  I called her in the morning and we had a long talk.  She told me she didn’t like receiving presents and not giving back so she was making cookies for people and would bring over fresh cookies.  Okay, that’s cool.  My husband loves fresh, baked, cookies.  My neighbor said someone from her church did the same thing.

But it really makes me think about people and giving and receiving.  I think this is one reason a few of my relatives cut me  off a while ago from giving them presents at Christmas.  They did not want to have to buy for me.  But you know what?  They don’t.  I don’t do this for a gift back.  I guess I don’t think about giving and receiving the same as other people do.

Before I end this one, I want to thank my Faithful Blog Followers!  What fun stats from the last entry!  I do hope I keep you interested.  I know my topics have gotten a bit more serious lately, but it’s my real life.  As things quiet down, perhaps more humor and memories will evolve again.

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