I Wonder How Long Until Happiness Sets In

It’s been three weeks, as of yesterday. I don’t post every day because my days fade into each other. I watch t.v., I write letters, I call people, I play with the cat, I do the normal activities I have to..like eat, etc. I play games on Facebook, I still cry.

I’m done unpacking. I don’t want to do it anymore. There’s one more box that may have more towels although its marked Halloween. I’m missing some towels. I remember buying them. Or, maybe not. I’m not thinking straight. I keep putting stuff down and forgetting where it is. Sometimes, after being on the computer for a long time, I forget where I am and I think I’m at home..the other house..in the old kitchen and I’m surprised when I look to my left and I don’t see the kitchen table or the garage door. Then, my mind is back.

I still get headaches, I’m still not sleeping like I want to. Last night, I fell asleep while talking to a friend on the phone. That was rude. Luckily, he understands. He, yeah, it’s okay though. He is my best friend. The one I told you about. The one I got re-connected with.

I’ve seen the Psychologist twice but that didn’t work. He kept agreeing with me. Anything I said, he said, “Uh-Huh”, It’s good to feel that way”, “You’re right” He made me talk for the whole 45 minutes. What a waste. I could talk on the phone or to the cat for 45 minutes. I don’t need him. If I need to pay someone, I’ll get a Therapist, not a Psychologist. The last Therapist I had was nice but she was overly-religious and talked about herself all the time when she wasn’t preaching about God.

The manager introduced me to a lady who lives in the complex. A single lady with a cat. I got brave and knocked on her door yesterday, but she wasn’t home. Maybe some day we can drown our sorrows, or at least share our stories over a cup of tea. Guess I’m not the only Cat Lady in the complex.

A stupid guy who I thought was a friend tried to hit on me and wanted to spend the night. I got really pissed off! How dare men take advantage of this situation! First of all, I am separated, not divorced and from a Christian standpoint (which I and supposedly this man was) that is not moral and is considered Adultery. Secondly, I have so much emotion around me right now; I am so sad and angry about having been abandoned like this. I have already bought a shirt that says, “The More I Meet Of Men, The More I Like My Cat.” The last thing I need right now is another man coming into my life messing me up. I need supportive friends. “Friends” can be male or female. Needless to say, that guy and I had some serious words and he is OUT! Off of Facebook, Out! I did tell him I would continue as acquaintances but I don’t think that is going to work either. But wait, are your enemies still your acquaintances?

I wonder what HE does with his time, when not getting the house fixed up by his uncle. Wknds are when we used to go for drives with the dog and laugh over t.v. shows which I can hardly watch in full anymore without crying. I wonder if HE and the dog watch those same t.v. shows in full and he can laugh at them as normal without missing those weird comments I used to make. I wonder if HE eats anything healthy other then Bananas. I wonder if we really could be “friends” as HE wants to..months in the future. I wonder how my life spun out of control the way it did and if I will ever be happy again.

New UnWanted Chapter Begins Today

Two weeks ago, I was a Housewife feeling a bit depressed over the fact that I was not going on my Anniversary trip to Vegas due to headache pain, however, knowing it was the best choice.

Today, I am signing the Lease for the apartment and entering it as my own for the first time.

Today, I am starting a new life chapter I never wanted to start.

I pray for strength as I go alone again.

*Computer will be unhooked tomorrow. May not be back until next week due to moving. May go to computer room, may not. Don’t worry, I will be back soon though. I really appreciate this blog.

Christians and Going To Church

As most of you know by now, I am a Christian, yet, I do not go to church.  To clarify, I do not go to an actual building on Sunday (Mosque, Church, Temple, Chapel or otherwise) to sit in a pew or chair next to people who may cough, sneeze, talk to or in any other way distract me during a service.  I also don’t have to listen to the singing and/or many other things that are involved in the service that do not come directly from the Bible if I do not desire.  I do church on television or via the internet.  Which means, I can fast forward the singing and get to the Sermon from the Pastor which is the main thing I want to hear.  I tune in for God’s word.  I can hear a different Pastor each week..at least from about 10 or so and some are not even around here.  Christmas does not have to be the actual Christmas story.  I can choose a title with a topic that may really help me during the week.

Let me give you some back-up as to how I got here.  I’ve posted a bit of this before so I’ll try to condense this.

I was raised in the Catholic Church and made to go to church every, single Sunday.  I never did believe in Purgatory, (the word is not mentioned in the Bible..and Yes, I have read the entire Bible..it took me 3 years!) and I always believed the Priest changing the water and wine into God’s body and blood was a reminder of the Last Supper…not that he was actually doing it every week, I also could never understand why we used the collection money for things like air conditioning and new seats for the church when we could be sending it to people who really needed it.  (I do think the Catholics picked a really good Pope in that way now, but I digress)   I was raised in the Youth Group and followed all the rules.  I was Miss Goody Two Shoes and totally believed in holding out sex before marriage.  I had a massive crush on the popular guy (as did most girls) and was shocked when his girlfriend became pregnant by him.  I thought for sure everybody would shun her or at least treat her differently and treat me better..but instead, they threw her a baby shower and the two got married and had a baby.  That may be when my sex before marriage view changed, I’m not sure.

After a few years of seeking a different church, I joined the Baptist Church.  This worked quite well for a while until the Pastor started up with the every Sunday thing in order to be a good church member.  I had been on the Women’s Group but that had ended and when I offered to re-start it, they said no because you had to attend every service.  They had two services on Sundays.  I do not wish to be forced to go anywhere.  That is ridiculous.  Then, he started begging and guilting people into giving money and going on and on about how you should want to give to God from your heart.  I’ve never believed in Tithing.  I’m sorry.  God isn’t getting my money.  The church is.  A group of people who decide what they want to use my money for that I have given them.  In essence, I am paying so they can preach God’s word to me as they interpret it.  I have Bible for that!  The last reason the 2nd church didn’t work out is because I started to check out a few other churches and confided in a few people a head of time, (not the Pastor) and a “friend” actually went and told the Pastor, so I was told I could no longer help in the church office (folding flyers) if I was considering leaving the church.  What?  I hadn’t said anything to the Pastor because my decision hadn’t been made but at that moment, I guess it was made for me so I was gone.

The last church I attended was also Baptist.  Thee people have views that are at the point of being ridiculous.  The Pastor and I almost got into it at Halloween because he believes putting up Halloween decorations of witches, ghosts, etc. is asking evil spirits to invade your world and you should always live as a Christian and be ready for Christ.  He got annoyed that I didn’t bow down and say, “Oh, your right, I’m so sorry.”  Uh..Nope.  Not my belief.  Then, everybody sort of started treating me differently after that and the air was just weird.  Plus, they would talk behind the back of other members and say, “I heard so and so said this and I think so and so may have been a druggie anyway.”  Who knows what they are saying now that I’m gone.

 

Anyway, when I explain that I do church on the internet or television, I get tired of hearing the response, “You should really find a church family.”  Why?  I just told you my reasons for not going?  Everybody is different.  God is working in me in his own way and we have our own relationship.  I don’t need your drama of seeing you on Sunday and then not talking to you during the week.  I had a friend that swore all the time and treated her family like crap, but she was the “Perfect Christian” because she went to church every Sunday.  Guess what?  I found out, she is divorced now.  She as a devout Catholic.

Before you quote the commandment:  I am well aware:  It is:  Keep Holy The Sabbath Day. 

A Christian means “Follower of Christ” and as a Follower of Christ; I do not need to go to church.

 

 

 

My Opinion/Solution On Gay Marriage

So, I just read another post on the Gay Marriage issue.  I wasn’t going to discuss this since I hate debates ( and really won’t do so) but I had a thought.

First of all,  let me clarify that I am against Gay Marriage.  I am a Christian.  I believe in the Bible and it’s teachings.  I cannot and do not get into debates especially with family members because my husband and most of his family are on the other side.  The Bible has many verses against Homosexuality.  Adam and Eve were brought together, and marriage is when man and wife come together as one under the eyes of God.

Anyway, here was my thought:  Since Gay people are going on and on about it being an equal right issue or taking away their freedoms, or whatever,  Why don’t you just term it “Marriage.” when you get married by a member of the clergy, and a “Union” when you don’t; and keep all taxes the same according to the states or whatever… for either service.  The taxes can be the same but terms can be different depending on who you are married/ in union by.  You see how simple things can be?  I should be in the White House.

By the way, someone wrote something about Marriage and how we should all be free to marry who or what we want.  This is what I was afraid of.  This is where we are headed you know.  Next, people will want to marry their dog if this passes because they should be free to do so.  Otherwise, we will be taking that right away from them.

Just my thoughts on the subject.

Here’s another thought;  how can thoughts be up for debate?  Discussion..okay.  Debate? NO!  I’ve told you my beliefs and idea.  Your not going to change my mind but you’re welcome to share your view provided you are polite about it.  Please Don’t slam me for my opinion/belief.  That really gets us nowhere.

I really wish they would just make a decision soon and get this whole matter over with so we could all focus on other issues..like the economy..and just stop talking about it soon anyway.

*I changed a part of my thought after a comment was made.  Hopefully that helped a bit.

*I changed my title after another comment was made, however, it led to a spam type main page so I did not post the actual comment.  I do not post comments that link to ad type pages.  Should whoever you are be reading this.  Thank you for your opinion.  I hope this title works better.

My View on Organized Religion

I was raised Roman Catholic and there were a few things they taught I always questioned..like Purgatory. Iin the Bible, there is a verse about separating the Sheep from the Goats: it was never suggested putting them into 3 groups for one group to repent or be decided later, Confession was another one that was a bit confusing..only because when I was young I had to think of things to confess.  I’m not perfect but I wasn’t the type to steal things and I didn’t usually lie to my mother so if  copying someone’s paper was a sin that’s what I would confess  Then we have types of sins.  Types of sins?  Where in the Bible, are there types of sins?  Someone please point these things out.  I have read the entire Bible.  (It took me 3 years.)  The Catholic church believes there are two types of sins..Mortal and Venial.  Mortal would be knowing what  you are doing is wrong and doing it anyway and Venial would mean not knowing what you are doing is breaking a commandment.    Another problem I had with a belief of the Catholic Church was Communion.  I’ve alway’s believed in The Last Supper, however, I could never grasp the concept that I was actually eating the body and blood of Christ.  To me it was alway’s a reminder of that night.  To me, the Priest is not a Magician and we are not Cannibals.  No matter how much my mother (or others) tried to convince me, it never registered, Plus, the money from the collections should be used to help others not for new air-conditioning, seats, etc.  I don’t know why but that alway’s bugged me..  But, what really made me leave that church/religion was when I was in the Youth Group and the church preached over and over again how sex before marriage was wrong, wrong, wrong.  Then, the popular girl in the youth group got pregnant by the popular guy and everyone got happy for her and threw her a baby shower.  People like me were still ignored.  People like me who didn’t do wrong.  People like me who followed the rules.

Later on I changed to the Baptist Church.  They seemed like a really nice group of people.  They were friendly,  it wasn’t a stand up, sit down, follow what is in this book type church. it was more interactive.  they even believed  communion to be a symbol of the last supper, however… they believe even if you think something wrong you can go to Hell;  they believe everyone on Earth is a Saint.  That can’t be true.., I learned a song and a prayer which part of it says; “all the Angels and Saints, and to you my brothers and sisters…”),   Problems…they don’t believe in regular rock music and they think Satan is going to jump out of  my Halloween decorations, plus, they become clicky and talk behind the backs of others and they jumped on the bandwagon like the Catholic Church.  You need to be here Every Sunday.

Nobody tells me where I need to be every week!

Needless to say, I am pretty much done with organized religion.  Yes, I am a Christian.  A Christian is a Follower-of-Christ.  I read my Bible and I’ve found sermons on the t.v. and the internet.  I’ve considered attending a service or two at a Non-Denominational church nearby but I don’t think I will join anywhere again.

My Sickly, Adventurous Day

So, here I am sick today and the Jehovah’s Witnesses ring my doorbell despite the fact that there is a ‘No Soliciting” sign right in front of their noses.  They were polite enough to ask if they could leave their literature about God at my door because he loves me or he’s the Savior or something..I couldn’t really hear them because I was talking to them through the window and I was all cloggy + my dog was barking;  Good thing too because otherwise I may have preached to them about what my “No Soliciting’ sign means especially when it actually says, “We love our vacuum, We found God, and We give at the office.”  What part of “Found God” did they miss?

It was the first day of real rain..not like fake rain.  Any rain?  Anyway, it rained pretty well today so my car (I named her Miracle) decided it would be really fun to sort of fishtail after we (me and Miracle.  I was driving her after all.) drove through a puddle.  For a minute I had to think of if I was supposed to drive into or out of a skid.  I just grabbed the wheel, slowed her down..looked around for traffic..thanked God for only one car behind me which gave me some distance and got back on track again.  I also told Miracle “Okay, now we will go slower in the rain and you won’t do that again.”

Then, as I’m driving my car (never mind that it is a very, small Mazda , Miata) a van practically runs me over with no blinker…just slides in my lane..like tra..la..la… it’s a beautiful day.   I laid on the horn which I usually don’t think fast enough to do.  I am not one of those people who stare at the people after the event like most people do because it’s already over and I can tell they felt bad because they stayed way back behind me afterward.  But, sheesh..I’m already sick..what else?

Miracle my Miata

 

Luckily, the rest of the day/night has been uneventful and it is already 10:15 so provided no emergencies happen; I am hoping to get some sleep.

But. I got a chest x-ray and they won’t have the results to my doctor which actually isn’t my doctor…it’s the fill-in doctor (he’s also my friends doctor..but I digress) until Mon or Tues…or Tues or Wed..or whenever…so  I guess they don’t think it’s urgent and I won’t die from whatever this is in the meantime.

What R U Gonna Be?

So, Halloween is approaching and if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you would know that is my least favorite holiday.  You would also know I stopped attending the last church I went to because of a discussion about Halloween I had with the Pastor because they all believe Satan is going to jump out of the Halloween decorations and it is just asking him to come into your life by decorating your yard evil.  Good Gravy.  I’m a Believer in God and I think believing the way they do is total overkill.  I believe even God understands it’s all in good fun.  It’s how you live your life that matters, not having fun for a day.  It’s not like I am selling or doing drugs or illegal activities on that one day of the year and I am not even pretending to worship Satan by dressing up to be a Zombie, Ghoul, etc.

That is the one aspect I do enjoy at Halloween.  The dressing up and being in costume part.  I actually play the part of whatever character I’m dressed as when I go out karaokying.  When I was in elementary school, I dressed as a Milk Carton once and when we went door to door, I sang the “Time For Milk Commercial” song (first sentence anyway”) and my friend who was dressed as a Sorceress (I think) tapped the box with her wand.  We got a lot of candy tha year, if I remember correctly.

My best adult costumes have been The Grim Reaper, a ghoul eating an arm, Carrie, a Valley Girl and Octomom.  I made the Octomom costume myself and I actually carried all 14 children.  “Well, I couldn’t find a Baby Sitter!”  I learned something about my husband on that one.  I learned he absolutely HATES Nadia and he made me promise Never to do that costume again.  He is going to Knott’s this week and I told him to call me so I can watch him live on the internet when he goes into the maze, ‘End Games.’. ..but I digress:

Pregnant Nun

As you can see, I’ve also been a Pregnant Nun.  I don’t know why my baby turned out blue.

I don’t believe in dressing sexy for Halloween though and I think there are way to many ‘sexy” costumes out there.  You are just asking for trouble when you do that.  Just my  opinion.

So, do you dress up?  What was/is your best costume?  Ever won a prize?  I did once.  I won a mug set at a Costume Contest at a bar.  I’ve really been hoping for some money, though.

I would love to hear what you’ve been over the years and what you are planning to be this year.

I will do my usual and dress up as a Ghoul and sit out on the porch scaring the children while passing the candy.  If I do go out karaokying (doubtful), I am going as Ugly Betty this year.  That was an easy one for “just in case.”

Prayer Request for God’s Word Continuance

Let me start by saying I am a Christian which means I am a Believer…a Follower of Christ.  I am Christ’s Daughter.  I do my best to follow his word..however:

I hope God forgives me for not having felt like nor been attending church lately.  I was raised in a Catholic Church where I was forced to attend every week.  We only missed if we were really sick.  I was turned off of Catholicism when a popular girl in the youth group became pregnant by a popular guy and everyone decided to have a baby shower for her.  It angered me because people like me who were following the rule of No sex before marriage were still being ignored; and it seemed as if this couple was being rewarded for sinning.

I stopped attending church for a few years after moving out of my parents house to see which religion I would be comfortable with since growing up in a Strict, Roman Catholic, family; I was not allowed to try other religions.  I chose Baptist and even got Baptised in that religion (to my mothers annoyance because as she kept claiming, “You are already Baptised in the Catholic church”.)   I stayed with a specific Baptist church for quite a few years until I began questioning a few of the things the Pastor was preaching.  I began investigating a few other Baptist churches and mentioned in confidence that I was trying out a few different places.  Needless to say, I was pushed out before I was actually ready to leave and would not feel comfortable returning to that church.  I have been attending a really good church on television.  I’ve even exchanged letters with the Pastor of this church.  For some reason, I have not been in the mood to sit through the programs for the past few weeks.  I don’t know why.  My mind is just not there.

I still have a personal relationship with God and I pray he will lead me back to his word soon.

If you are a Christian, will you please pray f or me?

Does God Regret?

I lost a friend during Prop 8.  We had been friends for years. Close friends, I’d thought.  He was Gay which hadn’t bothered me.  He knew how I’d felt.  We had alway’s been honest with each other.  He asked me which way I was voting on Prop 8.  Then our friendship dwindled away because his other/Gay friends did not think he should hang around with those who voted/believed the other direction of them.  After all those years.  He never apologised.  He claimed he had Amnesia at the time and didn’t remember much.  I tried to tell him how hurt I was.  We have gone our separate ways and I’ve told him I want no more to do with him.  I don’t hate the man.  I pray for him all the time.  I miss our long conversations and the fun times we had.  But, it would never be the same.  That life chapter is closed.

I hope this Chck-Fil-A. situation doesn’t end the same way.  I am learning a lot about myself and others with this issue as well.  It has become way to much of an issue, in my opinion.  I have discovered an ex to have really changed his lifestyle from the time we dated (in Jr. High.) Guess my didn’t mean very much. Ha, Ha…  I’ve learned another friend is extremely supportive of the lifestyle and chooses never to eat at Chick-Fil-A again even going so far as to announce now who is voting for.

I’ve realized that I am very conservative and will continue to follow the rules of the Bible which may cause me to lose a few more friends.  I am well aware that Christians are being persecuted for their beliefs and with the way the world is living now, sometimes I wonder if the Lord regrets promising not to send another flood.  But, then again..if I were the Lord and I sent a flood..this time I would say Forget It and not even want to start over.

Standing For A Belief

Along the lines of my last post, today was Chic-Fil-A Appreciation Day for those of us who appreciate the owner and workers of Chic-Fil-A for standing up for and abiding by what they actually believe.  Without getting into my personal viewpoint on the subject (which would cause a debate I’m sure amongst many) I don’t think a Christian company abiding by the beliefs of the Bible should be very surprising.  I do think its great that they are/were able to speak out and state what they believe and stand for and are willing to continue to stand behind it.

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