Suffering Dog Guilt, But, It Was Best

I saw Petey when I dropped the stuff off for him yesterday. I feel so sad. He didn’t even bark at me when I showed up. That isn’t like him. He is 14 years old. This is a big change for him. He went from one family to another (us) and we loved him and spoiled him and I was home with him all the time and he slept with me. Now, he is alone all day while HE goes to work. This has to be a shock on the poor dog. He is 14 years old! I feel guilty today. I know HE loves that dog. I know HE will take care of him. I also know it was the best decision for me. But, I seriously hope the dog can adjust to this. HE won’t get another dog to keep Petey company, I don’t think. Petey had a cat for company before. Now, he has nobody while HE is at work, and this wknd HE is going away. I don’t even want to think about it.

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After the dog yesterday, I got the car washed, then went to Walgreens and picked up my prescriptions. I also ordered myself some food from The Gluten Free Mall. I’ve found most of the stores I go to such as Mothers, Whole Foods, Sprouts, etc. seem to be further away now so it’s better to just have most things delivered. I like to do that anyway and not deal with the hassle of people and aisles and carts and lines, etc. Plus, this way everything I can eat is all in one place and easier to get without contamination.

Physically, I am doing a bit better this morning. I am planning on going to the lab and then getting coffee and Starbucks for breakfast.

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“He’s Abandoned Me..Love Don’t Live Here Anymore”

I knew I was in trouble today when I started looking up Gluten-Free Alcohol on the internee. I don’t drink anymore due to all my meds and haven’t in over a year. So, instead I had another crying attack and took a Xanax. Every day. Every day, I need one Xanax. Just one. My one a day happy pill. If that’s a horrible addition, to bad. At this time, I need it. Sometimes, it gets terrible. Sometimes, I want God to take me away. Sometimes I want to wake up from this horrible, awful nightmare and I want my husband back.

We bought furniture today. We also bought a refrigerator. No, he bought furniture today and refrigerator that I picked out. Then, I went to Target and got more stuff. Moving is expensive. Over $800.00 today alone. Wednesday, I actually sign the lease, the change of address card has been put in, the utilities are scheduled to start, the moving truck and furniture delivery is scheduled for Friday. Furniture arrangement is being discussed, cable options are being looked into, every room in the house is being gone through meticulously. Keep this.. Sell this..This is his. My Nightmare Dream is getting closer.

The diarrhea continues, I’m getting nauseated, I eat on auto-pilot, I can hardly sleep. He says he doesn’t love me anymore. I want to shake him. “Do something! Love Me Again!” “Stop this Sh It! I don’t want to do this. I want to crawl into a ball and cry or die or sleep.

And, that’s the only excuse now. “I just don’t love you anymore. I told you we could live as friends, but you don’t want to do that.” NO! I don’t want to do that. This isn’t t.v. I don’t want a roommate situation. I want a husband and wife relationship. Most every time you run out of something.. you get a refill of the same thing but it sounds like the refills are up too.

Good-Night
I’ll be in touch soon.

My Mother’s Day Vacation

My husband is off to Vegas to spend time with his Mother and Aunt for Mother’s Day and Our Anniversary. It sort of sucks but it would be wrong to put myself through pain in a hotel room and have to deal with continuous lights and noise right now. I will spend Mother’s Day with my beautiful babies:

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I don’t know if I will get the Mary Poppins motivation this time. I seem to always fill with good intentions but can’t seem to follow through.

Perhaps it will be a good wknd to get some writing done on my book, since I am alone with quiet.

My Giving Addiction.

I can hardly believe it’s almost June which means the year is half over and I have hardly started Christmas shopping. According to my calculations (which I just did) I need to buy 4 gifts each month to keep up with my list. Even on disability, this should not be to hard as I don’t pick the most expensive of gifts. So, yesterday, I had fun going through one of my many gift catalogs and finding things for my husbands’ and my family. I actually enjoy picking things that I think they might like.

My gift-giving list has gone down from the past because people pass away, friendships are lost and some relatives tell me not to give to them.

Here’s the thing. If you know someone like me who Loves to give where giving means the world to them,(for whatever reason) it is really an insult for you to tell them not to give to you anymore. Honestly, it feels like a slap in the face; almost as if you don’t want me to care.
It does not matter if you like the gifts received, I do not go to your house and ask what you have done with them or where you have put them or why you aren’t using them, or whatever.

It is simply that you are taking my joy of caring away from me toward one more person; thereby diminishing the joy I get in choosing and giving a gift.

Unlike most, I love giving…especially at holidays. I think it my obsession, compulsion, addiction. It does not cause problems for me financially and I don’t see why it causes problems for the receiver. You are welcome to donate the gift, sell it, give it away, whatever, if it is not something you desire. However, don’t tell me.

I have one friend that gives things that are used. The thing with that is, she will announce before-hand that they were used and she either didn’t want it or didn’t like it, etc. so she gives it to me. I do find that a bit tacky because when it comes to re-gifting; I do not believe you shod announce the fact a head of time. She will also ask later on, what I did with the gift received. This puts me in a tough position because I don’t keep a lot of what she gives me. I do not lie to her, however, I do feel a bit bad when I tell her I donated something she gave me.

I do believe before you give something; you should know something about the persons interests (unless it is a neighbor..in which case, that can be tough) and go on that. You usually cannot go wrong with a favorite animal, favorite color or gift card. Of course, gift cards are iffy because it’s good to know where they shop.

Anyway, this blog post started with Christmas Shopping and somehow diverted. I get hurt sometimes when a homeless person turns me down after I offer a bag filled with clothing, soap, food, etc. If you are really homeless; why wouldn’t you accept that?

I think I’ve concluded I definitely have a Giving Addiction which is not a bad addiction to have.

Weather Changes Cause Pain

Well, Crap, Crap, Crapitty-Crap, My head hurts.  I woke up at 5:30 with a Migraine and took my pills.  I don’t want to take another set and sleep for 3-4 hours a stretch.  I could try the other pills that I know work and sleep only one hour this time.  Ugh!  It is raining this morning which is not helping.  Every time we have a severe weather change, my head freaks out.  Guess I’ll have to eat in a few and take something and lay down again.  I  believe  I am going for one of the stronger ones this time.  I don’t care.  I don’t want the entire day wasted again.

In other news, yesterday was headache-free and I got a bit done.  I actually wrote on my book.  I can hardly believe how much hope I had when I lived with that Ex.  I was in La-La-Land firmly believing everything was going to get better and it was going to be the perfect relationship.  Oh, what a silly, naïve, innocent thing I was.

I need to buy some more gluten-free food but I don’t want to go grocery shopping.  To the websites I go.  Yeah, I know shipping gets expensive but whatever.  There are so many different sites and maybe I can get some food shipped from the grocery store itself which may be cheaper.

That’s it today (at least right now), I think I’m rambling.

Financial & Paying For Blog?.Your Advice

I won something from e-Bay the other day. (Oh, the excitement!) It was actually the 80’s work-out outfit I told you about in my post about 80’s fashion.  Anyway, so I just had to pay as they so nicely remind me.  I click the little Pay-Pal button since that’s the only, safe way to pay.  They keep telling you that too..those silly “they”..Pay Pal People..although it may not be.  I mean, Pay-Pal People are real and how do we know all those people are real honest.  Do they all have background checks or something?  Anyone who works in the financial industry should get a background check first, in my opinion.  But, I digress.  Anyway, so I hit the button but instead of confirmation.. I get some message saying my Pay-Pal Account needs to be verified or needs to be linked to my bank account or some such nonsense because it won’t take my payment.  WHAT?  No, I am not giving you Pay-Pal people my social security number and I do not want to link you to my checking account.  I use a separate credit card for pay-pal and I pay it on time.  What is going on with e-Bay?  So, I call up Customer Service.  Luckily, it’s only like a minute wait.

Imagine when the Customer service guy, we will call him Jon, since he said that was his name, tells me this:  “You have been with us 6 years.  We have a limit you can spend and in your case it was $8,771.77.  It has nothing to do with paying your credit-card bill.  That is completely different.  You need to get verified by linking your account to your checking account or get a free, Pay-Pal Credit Card.”  He did let me pay for the work-out outfit, while I decided what to do.

First I did the math (before I or my husband had a heart attack) 6 years at $8,771,77 total = $1,461.96 year =$121.83 month  which really isn’t to bad.  Then, I had to really think about it.   I do get some really good deals on e-Bay and it mainly takes Pay-Pal.  So, I opted for the Pay-Pal Credit Card but I only used my Disability Income as income so my limit is low.  Of course, this will be my monthly limit.  I still spend less than the total limit amount a month anyway, according to my calculations, so I should be okay and like my husband said if we want to buy anything higher; we could use his Pay-Pal account.

But, here’s the ting.  I feel after 6 years; I am being penalized for being a good Pay-Pal Customer!  We should be rewarded, not forced to be linking our accounts and giving information we don’t want to give.  Just like a credit card, we should have our limits raiseed; not have lifetime limits forced upon us without our knowledge.

So: now I have a question on the same yet different topic:  Let’s talk about WordPress and free blog sites.  I love my blog.  It is another addiction.  I am on the free level.  What happens when I run out of room?  I’ve  considered paying the $18.00 a year but I want to hear from others that do it?  What exactly changes?  Is it true, my blog will definitely stay here as mine?  I don’t want to spend the money and be cut off for some reason.  I really want to hear from people that are using the pay option before making a decision.  

I appreciate any look forward to any and all responses (minus weird spam ones that have nothing to do with anything) and I thank you for reading my blogs.

My 80’s Fashion Crisis

No, I am not having a mid-life crisis.  I’ve already done that. Seriously, I don’t even want to go there, however, I do think I may be having an 80’s crisis.  Is that a thing?  I think I want to go back.  I so loved and miss the styles.  Oh my gosh, I just bought an electric blue, lycra workout set from e-Bay.  It only has one minor spot on it.  It looks totally cool.  Yes, I’ll still work out to Wii and no, not Jane Fonda.  I used to have her workout album but I don’t think I do anymore.  Although, I can always turn on the 80’s station on my DVR and just dance.  That is exercise too.  “Let’s Get Physical..Isical..I want to get physical…” Yeah..Yeah, Didn’t I tell you I’ve lost it?

Oh yeah, Speaking of fashion, I found the perfect shirt for me.  I think I’ll order it.  Seriously.  It says, “Cats Not Kids.”  That is like so ME.  I know what my husband would say.  He would say, “If you want people to like you, you shouldn’t wear stuff like that.”  You know what? I’m tired of wanting people to like me.  They can like me or dislike me.  Whatever.  If I lived my world worrying about who does or does not like me; I’d probably be dead by now.  I am me.  Accept me for who I am.  Hmm.  I really want to buy the shirt.  I put it on my Amazon Wish List..but..why wait?  I have the money and it is so ME!  Heck, it is calling my name.  That’s it.  I’m coming shirt.  I am ordering you now.

Don’t worry, people with children who I know.  I will not wear it to your house or your functions.  Call before you come over and I will not wear it then either.  But  it’s me and noone can stop me from buying this now.  “Cats Not Kids.” Perfect!  Unless your a goat.  Then, I’ll take kids too.  Hey, I should wear that shirt when I go to get my hysterectomy.

 

A Tough Trip For An Apple

I made it to Von’s yesterday despite the fact I still felt like crap.  I almost didn’t, as even my eyes were buggy; but I drove super slow as I had to pick up my prescription anyway and Von’s is right across the street from there.  I was lucky to find some McDougall Gluten-Free Soups while there and of course, I picked up a few Apples, as well as a few other necessities but I could barely think and just wanted to home.  I did get some Whipped Butter and noticed my stomach did much better since I started using that instead of Blue Bonnet.  Of course, now I take a Lactaid before I eat anything with butter but whatever.

Anyway, I must have looked like death and I know when the cashier asked me how I was; I told her I was sick and I babbled something about shopping and apples and wanting to just go home afterwards.  Two store employee’s asked if I needed help to my car and I told them No.  However…

Upon, going to my car; I got a bit disoriented and could not find it for few.  But, after wandering I did find it.  I noticed a Von’s employee sort of following me and when I got to my car he started helping me put my bags in.  I said, “Oh, that’s nice.  I’m sick today.” and he commented that he noticed tht it looked like I could not find my car.  So, there I went again babbling about why I went shopping for an Apple and going home to go to bed.

Then, in the drive thru window of the pharmacy, I had to turn the air conditioning on in the car due to suddenly getting hot while waiting for my prescription as I was having hot/cold chills.

But, I really Am getting better.  I am not sleeping the entire day.  I am getting a few things done during the day.  I am eating again and   The Apple was delicious.

My Storm Watch & Future Preparation

It’s Storm Watch.  Really.  Yes, ..I’m watching for it.  They’ve said for two days now we are supposed to have a storm with thunder, lightening, etc.  We had a wee bit of rain yesterday and last night, but thats it.  I need to go grocery shopping.  Whole Foods is a ways away.  I don’t want to spend an hour shopping at and have to drive home in the rain.  I don’t like driving when people don’t know how to drive and half the time they don’t use their blinkers anyway, so you should see it when its raining.  I found 27 pages of gluten-free foods at Whole Foods.  I am still watching for the storm because after it comes and goes, I can go shopping.  In the meantime, I am trying to finish what I have here. 

I am beginning to wonder if Blue Bonnet Margarine is really gluten-free.  Due to some stomach issues and that’s what I have increased lately;  I think it may not be.

In my last entry;  I talked about writing my book.  I’ve re-started it, albeit very slowly.  I also talked about my kidney transplant 6 years ago.  I got to thinking and talking to my husband.  6 years is a long time.  While his kidney is great and I have had no problems in that regards, that does not mean I will not have a rejection ever.

  I would really love to live in a mobile home park before I get to sick to enjoy it.  Why?  Because they have pools and club-houses and sometimes, activities and maybe I would want to walk around more in a smaller type community.  My husband said we can continue looking.  Who knows? maybe we can even rent something for a bit until we retire and move where we really want to go. 

I also thought of something else in the same regards.  Should anything happen to me, I would want someone to finish my book.  This is how important it is to me.  I just talked to my sister.  She has always wanted to be a writer.  Heck,  I even encouraged her to be a participant in the last Nanowrimo event.  I was so proud she participated.  She said she will finish the book should anything drastic (my passing) occur. I have already written the ending of the story at the top.  She would have all my diary notes and my manuscript to go from.     I very much doubt anything will happen but, it is in God’s hands, not mine.  

 

Asking For Encouragement

yesterday was the 6th anniversary of my kidney transplant.  I am so thankful to my wonderful husband for donating his kidney to me.  Kidney-wise, I’ve been doing well.

I went for a blood test yesterday also because according to my doctor at Cedars, I may have a gene that affects my immune system which is why I seem to get sick like every 2-3 weeks.  It is so annoying to get a sore throat, cold, etc.  ALL the time.  If I have a low part of my immune system; they can send me for an I.V. infusion of some type for like four hours twice. (not twice a week, but he said twice… I’m not quite sure how often.) in order to pump up my immune system.  I am sort of hoping they find something and we can do this.

My next step after that health-wise is a Hysterectomy.  I am semi-young but am having problems in that regard.  I just need clearance from a few of my other doctors which I am working on.

Enough health talk – I started writing my book again, basically from scratch.  I am following from old diary notes and memory.  I am changing all names and a few of the details.  I may write it as factual first and then see what exactly to change.  My problem is this is really tough on my mind and I really need motivation to continue.  I have wanted to do this for a while.  I believe it will help others in the same type situations..maybe to realize how people can change from being good to suddenly gaining control without you even realizing.

Unfortunately, I am the type of person that needs people to ask, “How is your book going?”  “Are you still writing?”  or say things like, “You can do it.”  I would like to request this type of help from my friends on Facebook but I don’t know how to ask for this type of encouragement.