Home of Broken Heart

I don’t know how to-do this. I don’t know how to not be a friend to the man I love. I don’t know how to not be the wife that I want to be. I don’t know how to be mean or not care. I texted him today. I should NOT do that! As someone pointed out, I have contacted him every day since we parted. But, it’s only been two days. The move was on Friday. I haven’t seen him. Seriously, I don’t know how to do this!

He asked me today for his mothers address since I have the Address Book but then I re-thought it. He can call her. He needs to ask his friends/family for that information. He didn’t/doesn’t want a wife anymore. He said he loves me but isn’t in love with me. That’s lame.

Anyway, my internet and t.v. is connected. Okay, one t.v. is connected. I have to buy a plug thing that holds more then one plug. I had one. I had two. The guy used one and I had the other in my hand but I put it down somewhere and I can’t find it. I looked all over but I don’t know where it is. The guys said it was okay but I started to cry. It’s not okay. It may never be okay again. My husband doesn’t love me. I had to be mean and didn’t give him his moms address (that was later in the day), I cant find the stupid, plug thing. Firepie barfed on the carpet this morning.

I went to the Counselor/Therapist, whatever this afternoon. I don’t think I will be going to that one anymore. The drive was crazy. It took me in like circles. I don’t like driving anyway especially in traffic. The drive was to long and I went by at least 3 places, he and I had gone to together. A furniture store where we looked for (purchased?) our sofa for the Living Room at the house, restaurants, Knott’s Berry Farm. I gave hin a shirt that he wore to Knott’s Berry Farm and he looked just like Charlie Brown. It was really cool. I don’t want to drive by there every time I go to the Therapist.

I got tons of boxes unpacked and you can almost see the whole Kitchen/Living Room. And, last night I watched Hoarders on dvd trying to get some normalcy in the situation. Because that’s what I would have done at home (the other place). I still have a hard time calling this place home because like my friend said, “Home is where the heart is.” and my heart is where my husband is, but, at the moment, he doesn’t love me anymore. So, my heart is broken.

Writing Wknd & Witnessing Twilight LIne

I have 9 days to complete my novel for Nano and I’ve just done the math.  I need to write 1870 words a day.  I wrote 1869 today so I  know I can do this.  I have never written this much in my life in succession like this; and I don’t want to get Carpal Tunnel or something as my wrist is getting sore.

I also have quite a bit to do this week before the surgery on the 27th.

It’s a good thing my husband and I are not really into the whole Thanksgiving thing.  We like to eat but I am Gluten-Intolerant and my husband is happy enough with take-out.  Plus, we are not into tons of family..  It is mainly his family anyway as most of mine don’t live nearby.  His aren’t really nearby either.  It actually takes about 5 hours to visit them.

The wknd has been quiet with lots of writing accomplished and on Friday, we drove by the local theatre to see the line for Twilight.  It was insane.  I can’t imagine myself waiting in a line for a movie.  It’s a movie!  The celebrities aren’t even there, plus, it’s not the old stage play movie like, Rocky Horror where people actually acted out the scenes and you got to throw popcorn, etc.

It just amazed me all the “Twi-Hards” as they called them in the paper, camping out by the theatre.

Would you spend the night waiting for a movie?  Just curious.



Story Of Ann

So yesterday, I ended my therapy and it was better than expected.  The therapist said I actually have until April 2013 should I want to go back to her for anything or even just to check in before calling the insurance company ; which is quite re-assuring.  I was on a high all day since my life seems to be getting better.

Then, comes today. ..

My husband went to the convalescent home where a friend is that I go visit.    There are two people there we know.  One is a partner (not his wife, it’s a long story) of his friend and the other is my friend, Ann, whom I have been visiting in convalescent homes for years.  Ann is 96 years old.  I met Ann when I went with a friend who had met her with her daughters Girl Scout Group.  Needless to say the friend stopped visiting and I did not.  Ann is the reason we moved my mother to the same convalescent home she was in.  Not long ago,  Ann had a stroke and was moved to the 2nd & current  facility.  Ann has alway’s had my phone number in her phone books and I have begged her to give it to her family time and time again.  Needless to say she was moved but nobody told me where.  After discovering what city she had been moved to, I started calling convalescent homes and she happened to be in the same one my husbands friend is in.  Yeah, so I can visit both of them when I go.

However, Ann’s health is really bad now and she hardly knows me anymore.  It’s getting really depressing coming here.  This is not the Ann I knew and loved.  Plus, my mother died a little over a year ago.  Since then, the whole thought of visiting those types of homes depresses me..and in the last few months my health has not been good enough to visit.

The last time I saw Ann, she wasn’t doing well.  I left my card.  I left one with her personally and I left one at the nurses station with a note.  “I am a friend of Ann’s. Please Call Me if anything happens.”

It’s today.  My husband went to the convalescent home to see his friends partner with his friend.  I said, “Please check on Ann and see if she is there.”  He calls me.  She was discharged last month.  I call the home.  But, I’m shaking.  I know.  In the back of my mind..I hope I’m wrong.  I google her name as they switch me from desk to desk.  I find it in the obituary.  ANN BUNTROCK.    It was published in the O.C. Register on June 9th, 2012.  I’m reading it as the girl on the phone says “If you’re not a relative we cannot give you any information.”  I say, “Can you give me the phone number of a relative so I can call them?” and they say “No, due to the Privacy Act.” or something like that.  I can’t hear them now because I know and I’m crying.  It doesn’t matter.  What matters is…

I Found It.  She is gone and despite my request, NOBODY CALLED ME!..NOBODY TOLD ME!  I MIGHT HAVE MADE IT TO THE SERVCE IF SOMEONE HAD LET ME KNOW.  Yes, I am upset.  Yes, the tears are starting again.  When my mother died, I called everyone in her phone books.    Ann had a large family, I met her son once..why did no one remember and just assume I would read The Register that day?

*I hope yesterday wasn’t a bad day to end it with my therapist..

Blogging Is Good Therapy

When I started seeing my Therapist, I had issues.  My mother had died which still bothered me.  I went mental for a while.  My husband and I had some serious issues.  I had a mental breakdown or maybe just messed up my pills and took to much of my one of them, I’m not sure but I had some weird seizure along with hallucinations which scared us to death.  Anyway, things are well now.  Except for the stupid skin tag issue which my Therapist cannot help with anyway.  My husband and I are doing great!  We’ve been appreciating and listening to each other more, I think and we are both making some sacrifices for the other.  My brain has calmed down a lot since I have an easier system of keeping track of my meds and I’ve changed my anti-depressant medication.  I know my mother is gone but she is still watching me (no longer with criticalness (my word) and judgement) and sometimes I still share with her what is going on.

Needless to say, I think I am going to end the visits to my Therapist.  This is very hard as she has become a friend, as well in a way.  However, if I have issues.  I will just blog about some of them.  I must remember family and friends read this.   I’ve com to the conclusion that blogging is a lot cheaper than therapy and a lot more fun too.  I do believe I may feel guilty after leaving my Therapist which may be the hardest part to deal with but should I need to see her again..my insurance covers so many visits and I could alway’s call and start again, I suppose.  After all, you cannot keep a Therapist around just to talk about the weather without a good reason.

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