Continuous Posting

I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

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PETEY DID IT!!!

HE DID IT! Petey pee’d on the patio! This is a break through. I used a combination of things people were suggesting including taking him out for the last time around 9:30 and not leaving much water down for the rest of the night. I also left him out for an hour or so at a time a few times during the day while feeling guilty as he would only whine and lay down and look at me. But, this morning at 5, I woke up and put him out for a few knowing he had to go and went in the other room. When I got back, there was a big, fresh puddle on the patio. He did it! I was/am so proud. I immediately canceled the Dog Litter Box purchase. Having had a kidney transplant and being immuno-suppressed, I know it really isn’t good for my immune system to be cleaning litter boxes all the time, and I already deal with Firepie. Petey can do it and that is what matters.

As for yesterdays post, I sincerely hope HE doesn’t hate me now. I really hope HE understands my reasoning. I know HE can be impulsive. I really hope my requests for privacy (minus important communication) doesn’t backfire and make him step away further and quicker.

I also got to thinking, what if I can’t do this? Keep the boundaries, I have set. I’m sure we will be friendly to each other during the garage sale (whenever that may be) but other then that, it is hard to explain how much this rule I have made is killing me. Before we got married, we were friends.

It’s only been 6 days and I still (will I always?) think as his wife. I wonder if he has clean laundry. I wonder if his food supply is starting to run low. In my heart, I want to do his laundry and mine together when I drop off Petey tomorrow. But, I AM NOT DOING THAT! As a matter of fact, I am not even doing my laundry there. Which is another issue because I’m not sure I want to do it here either. They have nice laundry rooms but if I go to a nearby laundry mat, I could just stay there and read a book or watch t.v. until it is all done completely.

Today, I am planning on getting more boxes unpacked and putting my shower curtain rod and curtain up. I may not want to think of this place as home, but I still need to deal. I haven’t washed my hair in over a week, I’m avoiding doing laundry on the property because if I start doing laundry on the property I am admitting that I live here. (refer to above paragraph). I need to call and write some doctors and let them know what is going on soon too, and soon I need to get re-started on some of my medical procedures. Today, I also need to pay bills, buy stamps, and make sure Petey has a can of food to visit his dad this wknd.

I really hope this wknd won’t screw him up on his using the patio and HE remembers not to let Petey use the Dog Door.

My Apartment Living Problems & Observations

I told Petey (and myself) I would never leave and abandon him when things got hard like HE did. However, I really am at a loss. I’m out at all hours of the morning and night walking him as he refuses to use the patio. Last night, I put his leash on and walked for an hour up and down the patio and he still held it. He won’t even urinate on the patio. Something about the smells, I guess. If I don’t find the answer soon, I will have to give Petey back to HIM and let HIM deal with it. Then, HE will have the responsibility of finding somewhere that has grass if he doesn’t keep the house. However, I haven’t actually made that decision yet. I am still seeking a solution. At least I am taking Petey to visit with HIM over the wknd so I can get some rest with only Firepie here. I know if that does happen, then I will wish I had moved closer to where my friends are because with only Fire; I could have found quite a few closer apartments, but, the rent is already paid in advance for 9 months and there is a penalty if you leave early. This is what HE was afraid of. But, we are still only separated in the talking sense so it makes mores sense to just stay here verses moving again right away anyway. I chose the 9 months so we could both figure things out. Nothing is figured out. Right now, I need to figure out the dog situation and the fact that due to this situation, I am getting absolutely no sleep.

When I moved into this apartment, it was being renovated. Now, there are some shoe scuff marks. I wear tennis shoes. So, I have to try to work on that today.

I haven’t really met my neighbors although I’ve talked to one (or a friend of one) and said Hi to a few. I’ve also observed how a few live. One neighbor above me runs the dishwasher or washing machine every night. Some apartments have washer/dryers (mine doesn’t) and some don’t, the neighbors across from me have a child, I think. I think the same neighbor is a Mexican woman who parks her car next to mine and speaks Spanish while talking on her cell phone and throwing trash on the ground. I talked to one gentlemen who warned me about parking inside the gate and told me to make sure you have a permit because he was towed after only 3 hours. Guests need to park outside or have a Visitors Pass to park inside Visitors Parking.

When I’m out early in the morning walking Petey, I can see people in business uniforms leaving their apartments going off to work.

9:16 a.m.- I just ordered a Dog Potty. It has fake grass on top and leaks into a pan. This better work. It’s basically a dog litter box. He mainly needs to use it at night and early morning or when I’m sick. But, now I get more responsibility of emptying the pan when he goes. Oh well, I’m not the one who didn’t want responsibility. I am just tired and stressed. Plus, Petey is barking at the gardeners. I’m trying to break him of that. It’s hard. He did this at home. He doesn’t like them near our house. I started yelling at him this morning. I can’t yell at him. We are in an apartment. A new place. New gardeners. New smells. I’m a bad mother.

Even The Dog Is Confused

Yesterday when I texted HIM (I think that is how I will refer to him now for a bit) I mentioned that if he wanted to keep up on how I was, he was welcome to follow this blog. After all, in my mind, we are still husband and wife..just separated, and in this way; he will know what is going on. But, he will not be responsible for any of it. Actually, that’s not true. He is responsible for most all of it. He is the reason I and the animals are here.

Anyway, he read yesterdays blog entry and texted me. I know he read it because he used one of the same terms I did. he was not supposed to comment that way, he was supposed to comment anonymously here on this site. Or, if HE wishes to be himself and admit HE is my husband, he can be prepared for the fall-out of anyone who may comment to HIM. If I text back, we get into a conversation and I become his friend..which is what he wants. I cannot do that. If I let myself become a “friend.” I will never be able to become his wife again. (That may not happen anyway.) After all, I’m not supposed to hold onto that 2% chance right now. I will reiterate that it is to painful to communicate and be a friend. I said I will communicate about the house, or the dog, or the garage sale. But, not chit-chat. Keep it business. He Cannot, Did Not and Will Not change his mind in 3 days. This came close once before and he changed his mind in one day..but I guess really didn’t. Or, I wouldn’t be here.

Okay, So last night I’m taking Petey for a walk at 10:30. He refuses to go potty in the back yard. This is ridiculous. So today, I go to Home Depot where I buy a Shower Rod. I find one but I don’t see directions on how it extends. Last time, I bought the wrong size. I realize the last one I got was actually a Towel Rod. I almost lose it but I tell myself; NO, you are not going to lose it in the middle of Home Depot. I also bought a plug strip. The guy at the store called it a Strip. (In his text, HE said he had the strip, but I was not going to make the extra trip over there to get it). One of the main reasons I went to Home Depot is because someone suggested getting one of those boxes where you put them together and put them on the patio with grass so I won’t have to take Petey out so late. I go to Home Depot near me and purchase one. The Home Depot I go to does not have the sod or grass though so I call the one near my old house that does and I go their after, BUT: the girl there tells me it will stain the patio. IT WON”T WORK! At least I didn’t waste the $50.00. At least, I’m at a Home Depot, so I can return it and get my money back. I thought about potty pads for pets but I can’t leave them outside or they will blow away. Petey is 14 years old and doesn’t really like change.

Petey

Petey

Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?

I have an appointment with a new Psychologist tomorrow who is only 5 minutes away.

Home of Broken Heart

I don’t know how to-do this. I don’t know how to not be a friend to the man I love. I don’t know how to not be the wife that I want to be. I don’t know how to be mean or not care. I texted him today. I should NOT do that! As someone pointed out, I have contacted him every day since we parted. But, it’s only been two days. The move was on Friday. I haven’t seen him. Seriously, I don’t know how to do this!

He asked me today for his mothers address since I have the Address Book but then I re-thought it. He can call her. He needs to ask his friends/family for that information. He didn’t/doesn’t want a wife anymore. He said he loves me but isn’t in love with me. That’s lame.

Anyway, my internet and t.v. is connected. Okay, one t.v. is connected. I have to buy a plug thing that holds more then one plug. I had one. I had two. The guy used one and I had the other in my hand but I put it down somewhere and I can’t find it. I looked all over but I don’t know where it is. The guys said it was okay but I started to cry. It’s not okay. It may never be okay again. My husband doesn’t love me. I had to be mean and didn’t give him his moms address (that was later in the day), I cant find the stupid, plug thing. Firepie barfed on the carpet this morning.

I went to the Counselor/Therapist, whatever this afternoon. I don’t think I will be going to that one anymore. The drive was crazy. It took me in like circles. I don’t like driving anyway especially in traffic. The drive was to long and I went by at least 3 places, he and I had gone to together. A furniture store where we looked for (purchased?) our sofa for the Living Room at the house, restaurants, Knott’s Berry Farm. I gave hin a shirt that he wore to Knott’s Berry Farm and he looked just like Charlie Brown. It was really cool. I don’t want to drive by there every time I go to the Therapist.

I got tons of boxes unpacked and you can almost see the whole Kitchen/Living Room. And, last night I watched Hoarders on dvd trying to get some normalcy in the situation. Because that’s what I would have done at home (the other place). I still have a hard time calling this place home because like my friend said, “Home is where the heart is.” and my heart is where my husband is, but, at the moment, he doesn’t love me anymore. So, my heart is broken.

First Post From My New World

I’m writing this in the Business Office of my new apartment complex where we get free Wifi/computer while feeling sick to my stomach. The move was tough. I still want this to be like Oz and I want to wake up back to my marriage, back when my husband loved me and we were a couple and stable. There is no real explanation for any of it. It’s a nice complex and the animals are slowly adjusting.
Mind you, it’s only been two nights. Two nights of tears and physical and mental pain like I can’t believe.

Yesterday, I stopped at the house to get the last of it. He wasn’t supposed to see me but he did. He showed me a Humming Birds nest in the backyard and I started to cry, The Humming Bird actually sat on the nest with her babies. I won’t get to watch them hatch.

I can’t hang onto his 2% chance that he may find this the worst idea he ever made. This cannot be up to him. But, I love the man so damn much. He was supposed to be my soul mate for better or worse not for just 12 years.

My internet gets hooked up tomorrow so I will be back then.

New UnWanted Chapter Begins Today

Two weeks ago, I was a Housewife feeling a bit depressed over the fact that I was not going on my Anniversary trip to Vegas due to headache pain, however, knowing it was the best choice.

Today, I am signing the Lease for the apartment and entering it as my own for the first time.

Today, I am starting a new life chapter I never wanted to start.

I pray for strength as I go alone again.

*Computer will be unhooked tomorrow. May not be back until next week due to moving. May go to computer room, may not. Don’t worry, I will be back soon though. I really appreciate this blog.

“He’s Abandoned Me..Love Don’t Live Here Anymore”

I knew I was in trouble today when I started looking up Gluten-Free Alcohol on the internee. I don’t drink anymore due to all my meds and haven’t in over a year. So, instead I had another crying attack and took a Xanax. Every day. Every day, I need one Xanax. Just one. My one a day happy pill. If that’s a horrible addition, to bad. At this time, I need it. Sometimes, it gets terrible. Sometimes, I want God to take me away. Sometimes I want to wake up from this horrible, awful nightmare and I want my husband back.

We bought furniture today. We also bought a refrigerator. No, he bought furniture today and refrigerator that I picked out. Then, I went to Target and got more stuff. Moving is expensive. Over $800.00 today alone. Wednesday, I actually sign the lease, the change of address card has been put in, the utilities are scheduled to start, the moving truck and furniture delivery is scheduled for Friday. Furniture arrangement is being discussed, cable options are being looked into, every room in the house is being gone through meticulously. Keep this.. Sell this..This is his. My Nightmare Dream is getting closer.

The diarrhea continues, I’m getting nauseated, I eat on auto-pilot, I can hardly sleep. He says he doesn’t love me anymore. I want to shake him. “Do something! Love Me Again!” “Stop this Sh It! I don’t want to do this. I want to crawl into a ball and cry or die or sleep.

And, that’s the only excuse now. “I just don’t love you anymore. I told you we could live as friends, but you don’t want to do that.” NO! I don’t want to do that. This isn’t t.v. I don’t want a roommate situation. I want a husband and wife relationship. Most every time you run out of something.. you get a refill of the same thing but it sounds like the refills are up too.

Good-Night
I’ll be in touch soon.

Quick Post Before I Zone

I should not post right after a Xanax. It will be very painstaking and major spell check. However, my apartment will be ready early and he seemed a bit happy. I asked him if he was sure he wants to do this and he said he does not want to do this, he has to do this. What does that mean?

I didn’t think I asked for a lot in life. A loving husband, a happy marriage and maybe a smaller place. I’m getting the smaller place. My choice.

I can’t write anymore. I’m calming down now.

I did call a counseling center today and will have an appointment scheduled during the week after I move.

With Or Without Him

When I am with him, I am okay. Because he acts as if nothing has changed. We are friendly to each other. I can’t fight with him. There is no reason to. I don’t know why I still buy him food and do his laundry. Yes, I do because the mindset is not here yet. However: the packing goes on. We will be separating but without legal separation papers at first because that costs money and as he said, “If we do that; we may as well just get the divorce.” but, we can’t get the divorce due to medical insurance.” At least, not yet. Maybe in 9 months, he will have had a raise or maybe I will know where/if I am going. I may like the apartment so much; I’ll want to keep renting.

I think my headaches have decreased a bit because he is still here. It has only semi-hit. Like a compact car verses a big-rig. However, my stomach is in knots big time. Crazy diarrhea. I thought it was my diet which could play a factor as I was just starting to keep track again like I was supposed to, but it’s a combination of everything, I think. I know stress can play havoc on your body.

I am praying to hear from the apartments today with the approval of everything and the actual date finalized. In actuality, we only paid for the credit check. They are doing a thorough background investigation. In the meantime, there was a 2nd apartment that was perfect as far as location, amenities and square footage. They had said one would be available on the 8th or sooner. If they called tomorrow and said one was available; I may change my mind due to location purposes. But, they won’t. They aren’t even listed online anymore. This is stress talking. This is so freaky going to a new place, being in limbo and not knowing when, knowing I am going on my own,

I just took the dog to the vet a few days ago but I think I may have to take him again. He seem to be whining and curling himself up which he does when he back starts to bother him, plus, he is scooting and needs an anal express. The vet know the situation, I’m in. Maybe they can just give him some hydrocortisone without an office visit. They’ve done it before.