Soap Opera Continues… Our House

My soap opera gets weirder and weirder every day. Also, more depressing. Good Gravy, it’s been a month, can’t we just stabilize yet?

HE texted me yesterday (texting is the main way we communicate now),he called a Realtor and the house will be on the market in a few weeks. Wait a minute! Didn’t I just pick up the dog on Saturday? When I was there, HE told me he was going to sell the house in a few Months..not Weeks. That means, as I drove away unable to look at the man who I thought was going in the house to do his once a week cry (refer to my last post); that same man was probably running to the phone or the computer to find or call the first realtor he could find to say, “I am ready to sell the house.” I wonder who else HE called. I wonder if there is anyone else HE had to report to to say; “Okay, the dog is gone, I am selling the house now.” I knew the house was going to be sold eventually, but why the rush?

Plus, have you ever considered the fact of not being part of the process of the sale of your house? It’s a weird feeling. I have no idea how much the house is being sold for or anything about the people who will be buying it. It’s funny. HE actually sold his mothers mobile home on his own and did a great job at it but he hated every minute of it. Responsibility, you know. So, he refused to sell my mother’s mobile home when it came time, and we had to hire a realtor. I’m sure that’s why he hired a realtor to sell our house even if we could probably save money by selling it on our own. We’ve watched a lot of home shows and I’ve imagined walking people though our house and seeing what they like and don’t like about it and maybe even meeting the perfect family and feeling great about the next people who will live there.

I can mainly think of good memories while in that house, and I hope whomever moves in makes many of those too.

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Everything Is Going Away

Wasn’t it just Tuesday morning that I called HIM and canceled the garage sale? Imagine my surprise when I showed up to the house yesterday to discover almost the entire garage cleared out. That’s right. My Coca-Cola Collection was still there as HE knew I was coming to pick that up, but very little else. I had expected to see it and go through it one last time and decide what to share with whom. I have a few neighbors I wanted to give things to; but most was already gone. Talk about a shock to the system. I know HE likes to get things done but that was way to fast, in my opinion. And emotional? You bet.

To add to the emotion for the day, the bedroom set has been sold. I knew HE was going to sell it and I did get half the money for it. Money is not the issue. But, the empty room! The memories of laying in my comfortable bed with my cat AND dog curled next to me. I could just cry! (and I definitely have/did/am/will). In the early days, laying next to him in that bed and watching t.v. together.complaining because HE gassed to much. It was a really, pretty black, lacquer bedroom set and I remember HIM saying it was great that we had the same taste in furniture. The memories are amusing but the whole situation is so very, painful. I guess I’m glad I wasn’t there to watch that bedroom set go. I hope whoever bought it makes beautiful memories on/with it.

There are more things to be sold coming up. I know some will not bother me as much but there are memories with each. Luckily, I won’t be there to see them. The backyard Spa which was awesome to have but I didn’t use very often after we got a Jacuzzi Tub. HE did, and I used to tease him about going naked in the Spa. “Oooh-La-La! Naked Man Alert!” Of course, that was at night when it was dark. We lived in a good neighborhood and it wasn’t like someone would peek over the fence. HE should just sell the Spa as part of the house..even if it is above ground. There is also the Pool- Table which was more something he wanted. It was fun, at first. But, it’s one of those things where you should probably have lots of friends or parties in order to enjoy it often. So, it became more of a storage table for our garage. We should get some money for it though. It is in good condition.

Then, there is the house, itself. Oh My Gosh, I don’t want to talk about that now. That’s when our lives together have completely ended, I guess. Even though I know (although there really isn’t any) if that 2% chance snuck in, it wouldn’t matter where we lived, it’s hard to see the house where you once loved each other (even if he only loved me for two years..whatever) go to someone else.

Sloow Changes & Constant Wondering

Yesterday I didn’t post. I was tired of talking about it. Writing about it. Thinking about it. But, I DID think about it. I will always think about it..This whole life change and how I got back where I started through no fault of my own. A woman doesn’t dream of starting single, getting married for a short time, and then becoming single again for some unknown reason. It’s just unrealistic.

My days start to early. Even without the dog, I don’t sleep as long as I would like I’m hoping that will change eventually. I start my day with unpacking at least one box. Eventually, I will get this place completely done.

I did the laundry yesterday and mumbled to myself about how much I hated apartment living. It took like half hour to figure it out. You have to buy a card from a machine but when you buy the card, it has no money on it. (as the manager pointed out..”like a gambling card”) then, you have to use your credit/debit card to put money on the laundry card in order to do your laundry. Then, the laundry machine is weird and it said I had a Bad Card because you have to keep the card in the slot for so long until it actually starts working. Totally annoying. Plus, I am washing colors and whites together now. May as well. As long as I’ve pre-washed new things (which I think I will do in the sink when I get them) they won’t run and probably won’t shrink. Why waste extra money on what isn’t even a full load?

The garage sale is next week and since HE is gone this wknd; I am going to the house to organize and probably price stuff for it. HE wanted to know what day so he could ask his uncle not to come. I wouldn’t let him do that. I know why. It’s because he is probably paying his uncle extra to walk the dog during the day. I felt bad but it is his dog and he needs to take the responsibility for him. I am not going over there to walk the dog. I am going over there to work on yard sale stuff. Plus, I don’t know if I am going over there today or tomorrow so I am not going to post it here. Yes, it is very hard sometimes to play the part of Bitch, I must admit.

Since it hasn’t been long. My feelings switch. One minute I cry, One minute I’m pissed and one minute I am completely blank and in shock. Sometimes I wonder how he feels when he is alone with Petey in our old house full of memories. I wonder if he regrets his decision in any way? I wonder if he misses me at all or only the things I used to do for him. I wonder what happened to the love we once had.

Suffering Dog Guilt, But, It Was Best

I saw Petey when I dropped the stuff off for him yesterday. I feel so sad. He didn’t even bark at me when I showed up. That isn’t like him. He is 14 years old. This is a big change for him. He went from one family to another (us) and we loved him and spoiled him and I was home with him all the time and he slept with me. Now, he is alone all day while HE goes to work. This has to be a shock on the poor dog. He is 14 years old! I feel guilty today. I know HE loves that dog. I know HE will take care of him. I also know it was the best decision for me. But, I seriously hope the dog can adjust to this. HE won’t get another dog to keep Petey company, I don’t think. Petey had a cat for company before. Now, he has nobody while HE is at work, and this wknd HE is going away. I don’t even want to think about it.

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After the dog yesterday, I got the car washed, then went to Walgreens and picked up my prescriptions. I also ordered myself some food from The Gluten Free Mall. I’ve found most of the stores I go to such as Mothers, Whole Foods, Sprouts, etc. seem to be further away now so it’s better to just have most things delivered. I like to do that anyway and not deal with the hassle of people and aisles and carts and lines, etc. Plus, this way everything I can eat is all in one place and easier to get without contamination.

Physically, I am doing a bit better this morning. I am planning on going to the lab and then getting coffee and Starbucks for breakfast.

First Day of Laughter Since My Hell

Bad News-Sick Today. Guess my body is telling me to slow down and my throat is telling me to stop talking. I only had one errand which will have to wait until tomorrow. My appointment wasn’t until the afternoon tomorrow so I can do todays plan tomorrow morning.

In good news- Yesterday was actually a decent day with laughter. I think it was the first day of mostly laughter. Went to Ruby’s Diner for lunch with a friend. I asked the guy who took our drink order if he had a Gluten-Free menu and first he asked what Gluten-Free meant. That’s a normal question, and in my case it means I can’t eat wheat, which I told him. But, then he asked “Why?” I got thrown off. “Why?” Who asks that? My friend was like, “IBS” and I added, “Yeah, Bowel Issues, Stomach Problems.” He said he was sorry as he just wanted to know and would get the server who knew more then he did. He was a young guy, probably straight out of high school; but my friend and I cracked up. “Why?” How about, because I woke up one day and thought it would be fun to bug people who work in restaurants with making orders complicated and figuring out what and if I can eat anything in your restaurant. Anyway, I wound up ordering a Veggie Sandwich on a Gluten Free Hamburger Bun and some Garlic Fries. The Garlic Fries did have some vegetable oil in them but since I’ve already had some stomach issues lately, it’s not like it’s much worse and the sandwich/bun thing was excellent. But the bun was so big I could hardly get my mouth around it. (Quiet, Celaine!). I haven’t eaten in a restaurant or that much food for so long, I could only eat half so the other half is in my refrigerator for today.

Then, last night, I got re-acquainted with an old friend from years ago. Suffice it to say, this is a person of whom we have had falling outs over and over again but our friendship has always picked up where its left off. Needless to say, we talked on the phone for over two hours last night catching up. Even though he lives a different lifestyle and has never been married, talking to him can really keep me grounded. Even with our falling outs, he has been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life, he is sort of like a brother to me. I know our conversation has a lot to do with my being sick today only because it probably didn’t help to talk until 2 a.m. on the phone but it’s okay. It was worth it in the end.

So, my friend from years ago is back in my life, My friend C. will come over another day, My errand from of today will be done tomorrow, I have lots of soup and stuff, Petey is not here so I don’t have to get dressed and can lay around all day. Today will be a recovery day so I can continue on tomorrow.

My Giving Addiction.

I can hardly believe it’s almost June which means the year is half over and I have hardly started Christmas shopping. According to my calculations (which I just did) I need to buy 4 gifts each month to keep up with my list. Even on disability, this should not be to hard as I don’t pick the most expensive of gifts. So, yesterday, I had fun going through one of my many gift catalogs and finding things for my husbands’ and my family. I actually enjoy picking things that I think they might like.

My gift-giving list has gone down from the past because people pass away, friendships are lost and some relatives tell me not to give to them.

Here’s the thing. If you know someone like me who Loves to give where giving means the world to them,(for whatever reason) it is really an insult for you to tell them not to give to you anymore. Honestly, it feels like a slap in the face; almost as if you don’t want me to care.
It does not matter if you like the gifts received, I do not go to your house and ask what you have done with them or where you have put them or why you aren’t using them, or whatever.

It is simply that you are taking my joy of caring away from me toward one more person; thereby diminishing the joy I get in choosing and giving a gift.

Unlike most, I love giving…especially at holidays. I think it my obsession, compulsion, addiction. It does not cause problems for me financially and I don’t see why it causes problems for the receiver. You are welcome to donate the gift, sell it, give it away, whatever, if it is not something you desire. However, don’t tell me.

I have one friend that gives things that are used. The thing with that is, she will announce before-hand that they were used and she either didn’t want it or didn’t like it, etc. so she gives it to me. I do find that a bit tacky because when it comes to re-gifting; I do not believe you shod announce the fact a head of time. She will also ask later on, what I did with the gift received. This puts me in a tough position because I don’t keep a lot of what she gives me. I do not lie to her, however, I do feel a bit bad when I tell her I donated something she gave me.

I do believe before you give something; you should know something about the persons interests (unless it is a neighbor..in which case, that can be tough) and go on that. You usually cannot go wrong with a favorite animal, favorite color or gift card. Of course, gift cards are iffy because it’s good to know where they shop.

Anyway, this blog post started with Christmas Shopping and somehow diverted. I get hurt sometimes when a homeless person turns me down after I offer a bag filled with clothing, soap, food, etc. If you are really homeless; why wouldn’t you accept that?

I think I’ve concluded I definitely have a Giving Addiction which is not a bad addiction to have.

UnRavel Travel Plans

Tonight may be short because I am tired.  Good thing this has spell check.  Yesterday I was down all day with headaches, vomiting and chills.  fun.  I begged my husband to come straight home from work.  Sometimes when you are crawling on the floor in pain you just can’t make it to the kitchen for solid food.  Luckily, he did and I finally got down some Cranberry Juice and some soup before getting some sleep.  Oh yes, pain meds all day.

I am thinking I need a new Neurologist or some other type head specialist.  Maybe I need to start from scratch with another MRI. to see if someone see’s anything at all that could be causing these headaches.  I take so many meds I could open a pharmacy and I don’t think the Botox worked at all.

Anyway, I don’t think I am going to Vegas for our Anniversary.  I am seriously dreading the trip.  It is on Mother’s Day wknd.  We were going to meet my husbands mother there and she already paid for her plane ticket so my husband is still going.  We also had it set to pick up his aunt for the drive too and if we don’t do go we will leave her in a lurch.  H should go even if I don’t.

Now, I’ll have to call the hotel and find out if I can change the reservation into his name instead of mine only or put both our names on it in case so we don’t lose the room.  Maybe he can just bring my credit card or something.  We both have the same last name.  I don’t want him to be out of a room because of my stupid situation.

Botox Experience & Reclusive Contentment

I had my first set of Botox injections yesterday.  By set, I mean like 10-12 or more.  I don’t know.  They were in my head.  Heck, I think I’m already brain damaged.  What is he doing?

I told the doc most of my pain is on the left side so guess where he gave most of the injections?  Yep.  The needles are actually smaller then acupuncture needles, however, there is medicine involved and you can feel the medicine go in.  At first, it felt like bug-bites.  No problem.  Then, he hits the nerves in my scalp right where the pain points are.  Yikes.  When I was laying on my stomach and he hit a point on my scalp I think I made some weird, moaning, dying noise or something and he asked if he was hurting me.  I’m like, “That one did.”  Anyway, I asked about side effects and he sort of dissed them.  But, I’ve read about them.  The headache side effects really weren’t to bad.  A little Acetaminophen w Codeine kicked it.  I do have bumps all over my head at the injection sites and my head is a little sore when moving it..but all in all I think this one is okay.  It will take about 3 days to kick in and IF it works; it should last for about 3 months.  Now, this will not take my headaches/Migraines away but it should cut them down.  Wow, maybe I will wake up and go to bed without a headache for  a while.  That would be a dream come true for me.  Oh yes, the doctor also mentioned Botox helps wrinkles.  Everyone keeps bringing that up.  That’s great.  What are you implying?  I really think wrinkles are the least of my worries right now.

When I mentioned to my sister on the phone that I am becoming a Recluse and I am actually enjoying it; she sounded sad.  Is there a reason why we should not enjoy our own company?  Do we really need to feel sorry for those that choose to be anti-social?  I think it’s the fact that I am sick so much.  Outside stimulation can just cause me to get sick a lot more, so it’s almost worthless for me to do it.  I have most everything I need here at home.  I do think maybe if we move to a mobile home (yes, we are back to discussing that.) and maybe  if I can get these headaches under control; my feelings may change a bit and I may want to get out a bit more then I do now.  But in the meantime; I am content where I am.

Explosive News Coverage and Children

Let me start this by saying my prayers go out to the families of those that lost love ones in the Boston Explosions yesterday, as well as, to those that were injured and survived the mess.

That being said,  after watching the same coverage like four times because all my television programs had been taken over,  I decided to play Bingo on Facebook which is my way of relaxing.  Now, for those of you who don’t know…Bingo has an area for conversation where most people say “Good luck”, “Well done.” and maybe “This game sucks today.”  Yesterday, a few of the players had turned the conversation area into a discussion about the news in Boston.  I don’t want to hear/read about that when I am playing Bingo.  It was distracting.  Out of the corner of my eye, I catch this comment, “And there were children there. The day is supposed to be fun for children.”

As you can guess this comment touched a nerve.  Here is why:

This was before they knew that a child was one of the victims (not that the timing makes a difference.)

Why does a child being at the event make it any worse then an adult?  Look at it this way, with enough therapy, a child might get over the trauma (should they become traumatized by what happened)  and the adult may never get over it.  The event in question was not aimed toward children.  This was a Marathon with adults running in a race.  Just because a child was in the audience and happened to witness the bombing or explosion or whatever does not make the situation worse then anyone else witnessing it or the adult who sat right next to the explosion as it occurred, in my opinion.

Before you start busting me again for my feelings on children (No, I don’t hate children!)  If something like this happened in a McDonald’s Play-Yard or a Children’s Fun Zone of sorts or somewhere deliberately aimed toward children, then I can completely understand when you reference the children.

I am very sorry for the young child that lost their life in the explosions.  However, I do hope that is not the only person we hear about in the news.

I guess there was also an Earthquake on the border of Pakistan.  I pray for all the innocent people who lost relatives or were part of that situation as well

Weather Changes Cause Pain

Well, Crap, Crap, Crapitty-Crap, My head hurts.  I woke up at 5:30 with a Migraine and took my pills.  I don’t want to take another set and sleep for 3-4 hours a stretch.  I could try the other pills that I know work and sleep only one hour this time.  Ugh!  It is raining this morning which is not helping.  Every time we have a severe weather change, my head freaks out.  Guess I’ll have to eat in a few and take something and lay down again.  I  believe  I am going for one of the stronger ones this time.  I don’t care.  I don’t want the entire day wasted again.

In other news, yesterday was headache-free and I got a bit done.  I actually wrote on my book.  I can hardly believe how much hope I had when I lived with that Ex.  I was in La-La-Land firmly believing everything was going to get better and it was going to be the perfect relationship.  Oh, what a silly, naïve, innocent thing I was.

I need to buy some more gluten-free food but I don’t want to go grocery shopping.  To the websites I go.  Yeah, I know shipping gets expensive but whatever.  There are so many different sites and maybe I can get some food shipped from the grocery store itself which may be cheaper.

That’s it today (at least right now), I think I’m rambling.

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