Losing Weight..Bad Way For Me

If you’re looking for a few ways to lose weight, I have some. Separate from your husband of 12 years unexpectedly. During that time, cry almost every day and don’t eat meals when you are supposed to. It won’t be hard because you won’t be hungry. Your body will give you headaches and other pains, you will take pills for that pain and if you aren’t moving things around or focusing on something like the television to take your mind off reality, your trying to sleep without dreaming; which only works with drugs. As time goes on; your clothes start to become loose.

Within the last four weeks, I have lost four pounds. Yesterday, I noticed how loose my clothes were becoming so I bought some candy realizing I need those extra calories throughout the day. I just got on the scale this morning. I know I need to start eating again at regular intervals, as well as snacking. I also know I need to start tracking my food again. Stress is terrible for everyone’s immune systems but mine especially because of my disease and kidney transplant.

It will be a solid month on Friday since this occurred. That means I will have 8 more months in this apartment. Friday will mark a solid month of tears and lack of sleep and wonder and pain of what went wrong in my 12 year marriage to a man who loved me (I thought and believed) when we walked down that wedding aisle and said his vows in front of all our friends and family. The same day I sang his favorite song to him at the wedding reception, “I’ll Always Love You.” by Olivia Newton-John.

I am supposed to be drinking one Ensure Plus every day for dietary purposes. I may up that to two for a bit. I need to gain weight. I don’t care if I am eating candy. I know I need to eat more. I cannot wither away and make myself sick. My cat needs me, if nobody else does. I do have friends that still care about me.

Today, I will start again to get back on track physically. I will eat even if I’m not hungry. I may even start tracking my food again. I can’t do this to myself. If I do this to myself and my body, I will have let him win and proved that he was right, that I NEED someone to take care of me. Which I Don’t. I just need to get my emotions in check and start taking care of myself again. As the weight comes off, reality hits and it ain’t a pretty picture!

I Wonder How Long Until Happiness Sets In

It’s been three weeks, as of yesterday. I don’t post every day because my days fade into each other. I watch t.v., I write letters, I call people, I play with the cat, I do the normal activities I have to..like eat, etc. I play games on Facebook, I still cry.

I’m done unpacking. I don’t want to do it anymore. There’s one more box that may have more towels although its marked Halloween. I’m missing some towels. I remember buying them. Or, maybe not. I’m not thinking straight. I keep putting stuff down and forgetting where it is. Sometimes, after being on the computer for a long time, I forget where I am and I think I’m at home..the other house..in the old kitchen and I’m surprised when I look to my left and I don’t see the kitchen table or the garage door. Then, my mind is back.

I still get headaches, I’m still not sleeping like I want to. Last night, I fell asleep while talking to a friend on the phone. That was rude. Luckily, he understands. He, yeah, it’s okay though. He is my best friend. The one I told you about. The one I got re-connected with.

I’ve seen the Psychologist twice but that didn’t work. He kept agreeing with me. Anything I said, he said, “Uh-Huh”, It’s good to feel that way”, “You’re right” He made me talk for the whole 45 minutes. What a waste. I could talk on the phone or to the cat for 45 minutes. I don’t need him. If I need to pay someone, I’ll get a Therapist, not a Psychologist. The last Therapist I had was nice but she was overly-religious and talked about herself all the time when she wasn’t preaching about God.

The manager introduced me to a lady who lives in the complex. A single lady with a cat. I got brave and knocked on her door yesterday, but she wasn’t home. Maybe some day we can drown our sorrows, or at least share our stories over a cup of tea. Guess I’m not the only Cat Lady in the complex.

A stupid guy who I thought was a friend tried to hit on me and wanted to spend the night. I got really pissed off! How dare men take advantage of this situation! First of all, I am separated, not divorced and from a Christian standpoint (which I and supposedly this man was) that is not moral and is considered Adultery. Secondly, I have so much emotion around me right now; I am so sad and angry about having been abandoned like this. I have already bought a shirt that says, “The More I Meet Of Men, The More I Like My Cat.” The last thing I need right now is another man coming into my life messing me up. I need supportive friends. “Friends” can be male or female. Needless to say, that guy and I had some serious words and he is OUT! Off of Facebook, Out! I did tell him I would continue as acquaintances but I don’t think that is going to work either. But wait, are your enemies still your acquaintances?

I wonder what HE does with his time, when not getting the house fixed up by his uncle. Wknds are when we used to go for drives with the dog and laugh over t.v. shows which I can hardly watch in full anymore without crying. I wonder if HE and the dog watch those same t.v. shows in full and he can laugh at them as normal without missing those weird comments I used to make. I wonder if HE eats anything healthy other then Bananas. I wonder if we really could be “friends” as HE wants to..months in the future. I wonder how my life spun out of control the way it did and if I will ever be happy again.

Everything Is Going Away

Wasn’t it just Tuesday morning that I called HIM and canceled the garage sale? Imagine my surprise when I showed up to the house yesterday to discover almost the entire garage cleared out. That’s right. My Coca-Cola Collection was still there as HE knew I was coming to pick that up, but very little else. I had expected to see it and go through it one last time and decide what to share with whom. I have a few neighbors I wanted to give things to; but most was already gone. Talk about a shock to the system. I know HE likes to get things done but that was way to fast, in my opinion. And emotional? You bet.

To add to the emotion for the day, the bedroom set has been sold. I knew HE was going to sell it and I did get half the money for it. Money is not the issue. But, the empty room! The memories of laying in my comfortable bed with my cat AND dog curled next to me. I could just cry! (and I definitely have/did/am/will). In the early days, laying next to him in that bed and watching t.v. together.complaining because HE gassed to much. It was a really, pretty black, lacquer bedroom set and I remember HIM saying it was great that we had the same taste in furniture. The memories are amusing but the whole situation is so very, painful. I guess I’m glad I wasn’t there to watch that bedroom set go. I hope whoever bought it makes beautiful memories on/with it.

There are more things to be sold coming up. I know some will not bother me as much but there are memories with each. Luckily, I won’t be there to see them. The backyard Spa which was awesome to have but I didn’t use very often after we got a Jacuzzi Tub. HE did, and I used to tease him about going naked in the Spa. “Oooh-La-La! Naked Man Alert!” Of course, that was at night when it was dark. We lived in a good neighborhood and it wasn’t like someone would peek over the fence. HE should just sell the Spa as part of the house..even if it is above ground. There is also the Pool- Table which was more something he wanted. It was fun, at first. But, it’s one of those things where you should probably have lots of friends or parties in order to enjoy it often. So, it became more of a storage table for our garage. We should get some money for it though. It is in good condition.

Then, there is the house, itself. Oh My Gosh, I don’t want to talk about that now. That’s when our lives together have completely ended, I guess. Even though I know (although there really isn’t any) if that 2% chance snuck in, it wouldn’t matter where we lived, it’s hard to see the house where you once loved each other (even if he only loved me for two years..whatever) go to someone else.

Happy & Sad

We were supposed to have a garage sale this wknd. The final garage sale in the house of memories. But, how can we do that? Just the thought of looking into those eyes again, wanting to hug HIM while remembering the time he was in love with me or did love me.. How could I possibly have thought a garage sale would work? As it is, every time I got to the house; I remember. And then there is the dog. I don’t regret my decision of returning the dog to him for health reasons..I’m actually starting to sleep a bit better without the dog. But, I really miss the dog. I spent so much time cuddling and playing with my Petey-Pie dog. It’s hard to visit and leave; even knowing he is being taken care of by his daddy. So, I’ve canceled the garage sale. Just the thought of it was causing my stomach to start up. I called HIM today and explained that it was to much stress. I will go to the house tomorrow and get my Coca-Cola stuff back to sell another way. Maybe via e-bay or someone else will have a garage sale, I can join.

We also talked about the dog and a few other things. HE admitted to me that he has been unhappy for probably the last 10 years. Why would someone stay unhappy in a marriage for 10 years? I didn’t get a chance to ask that. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I see that 2% chance slipping further and further away.

After I hung up the phone, I cried.

It’s like I said in my last post. I guess one person has to be unhappy for the other to be happy. I don’t know if HE is happy now. I know he is free. I don’t know what will change in 9 months time to make HIM want to come back to me. It sounds like HE is happy being free, while I am miserable. Back to square one with only my cat. He mentioned again that HE would like to be friends again in a few months. Does he mean after I get over the hurt and pain of the separation? What will change then? Last I checked, we will still be separated.

I’m actually glad I canceled the garage sale. After that one phone call ruining my day, I cannot imagine what a mess I would be after 5 full hours with the man.

If you love someone set them free
If they come back to you, they’re yours
If they don’t, they were never meant to be.

Yeah, I changed it a bit.

Thoughts of Men, Water, and Direction

Yesterday was Father’s Day. I chose not to dwell on that or even think about it really. My Father has been gone since 1995 and God wonders what he would think about this situation I’m in. I used to tell HIM how proud my Father would be that HE was such a good man and so good to me. My father would be so disappointed.

I thought about the men in my life. I haven’t had a lot of positive encounters with men. My brother means well but we are a generation a part and were not raised in the same time period. Our thought processes are much different.

I can’t compare relationships other then to say, they obviously did not work out for one reason or another..most in heartache brought on by the man and my reactions. And now this..

I bought some new water recently. I need to keep drinking a lot of water with my kidney issues, if I want the kidney to continue working correctly. This time I bought Mineral Water, which I love. I wonder if the changing of water type and taste will change the taste of my own tears; at least the salt content? Guess I will find out.

I can finally see the counter in the bathroom as I organize this place. So, that is saying something semi-positive, I guess. Or, at least I can say I am moving in the right direction.

Funny Memory & Reality

Someone made a comment with the word ‘Twat’ which made me think of something totally off topic to the situation at-hand. It’s good to get your mind off things once in a while. Here’s a true story about a teacher who was also a Priest in Catholic School or CCD which was part of Catholic Education while growing up. This Priest was really cute and he was teaching us about words. We were in Jr. High and he asked us for swear words to write on the Chalk-Board. At first, the room was dead silent. And, he said, “Don’t worry, God isn’t going to strike you down.” so, I said it really softly; the first one brave enough to say something as I slunk into my seat. “Twat.” Everybody cracked up. Father Tom (don’t remember his real name) said, “Come on, you can do better then that.” and wrote my word and like the S word on the Chalk-Board, then we started rolling. After the Chalk-Board was full of words, he started to go over the true definitions. This is a woman’s body part, this comes from the body of a dog, etc. When you insult someone, you are really not doing anything. In this way, knowing what the words you are using really mean is taking away the power. It was one of the most informative and fun CCD classes I attended.

    Back To Reality:

I was at the house yesterday for hours moving things from inside the house to the garage. HE never believes we have anything for a garage sale, but this time, we do. I think I may text him about putting the ad in the local paper so I can mention the Coca-Cola Collectibles and maybe get some collectors there. I wound up feeding the dog and the poor dog freaked out when I tried to leave. Actually, at first I had only been there for a little while and was going to my car and he started yelping. I had to let him come with me. When I actually left, I gave him a treat first. But, he still started barking at being left alone. I am going back today to do some more..hopefully actually organizing and maybe pricing of things.

My Living Room is almost unpacked and the bedroom is done. I may finish the last two Living Room boxes this morning. Then all I will have left is the bath. I have the empty boxes folded up and stacked since I will be moving again in 9 months and it is a total hassle to find and have to buy boxes again.

I really do not feel like this is home (Well, it’s only been 15 days!) and the house is not home anymore so I sort of feel as if I am homeless now. Plus, with my husband saying he doesn’t love me anymore or..he loves me but isn’t in love with me…Whatever. It’s just depressing to feel unloved and practically homeless. Just because you have a roof over your head does not make a place home.

I still want to wake up to what my life was once. Back in my big bed with my cat AND dog, my husband whom I thought loved me can be in the next room..that’s okay. But, we can be okay again. And, this can all be one Big-Ass Nightmare..never to have happened. He would laugh and think I was crazy, or he would say I’m taking way to much medication and should probably talk to a doctor and change that, or he would think I was losing my mind and need to get a hobby. But, it would be normal and I would make his lunch for work and make his dinner once in a while. Heck, I’d even make him a couple Egg Sandwiches which I know he loves and I hate to make and would wear a mask while I made them because I hate the smell.

Don’t worry, I haven’t flipped. I know the difference between reality and dreams. I’m getting it. I Hate It but it’s setting in. There is no one to “take care” of me, but me. It’s what HE wanted. HE also said at one time HE wanted me to be happy, but HE can’t have it both ways. I think in order for one to be happy, the other has to be miserable unless something is decided together.

Sloow Changes & Constant Wondering

Yesterday I didn’t post. I was tired of talking about it. Writing about it. Thinking about it. But, I DID think about it. I will always think about it..This whole life change and how I got back where I started through no fault of my own. A woman doesn’t dream of starting single, getting married for a short time, and then becoming single again for some unknown reason. It’s just unrealistic.

My days start to early. Even without the dog, I don’t sleep as long as I would like I’m hoping that will change eventually. I start my day with unpacking at least one box. Eventually, I will get this place completely done.

I did the laundry yesterday and mumbled to myself about how much I hated apartment living. It took like half hour to figure it out. You have to buy a card from a machine but when you buy the card, it has no money on it. (as the manager pointed out..”like a gambling card”) then, you have to use your credit/debit card to put money on the laundry card in order to do your laundry. Then, the laundry machine is weird and it said I had a Bad Card because you have to keep the card in the slot for so long until it actually starts working. Totally annoying. Plus, I am washing colors and whites together now. May as well. As long as I’ve pre-washed new things (which I think I will do in the sink when I get them) they won’t run and probably won’t shrink. Why waste extra money on what isn’t even a full load?

The garage sale is next week and since HE is gone this wknd; I am going to the house to organize and probably price stuff for it. HE wanted to know what day so he could ask his uncle not to come. I wouldn’t let him do that. I know why. It’s because he is probably paying his uncle extra to walk the dog during the day. I felt bad but it is his dog and he needs to take the responsibility for him. I am not going over there to walk the dog. I am going over there to work on yard sale stuff. Plus, I don’t know if I am going over there today or tomorrow so I am not going to post it here. Yes, it is very hard sometimes to play the part of Bitch, I must admit.

Since it hasn’t been long. My feelings switch. One minute I cry, One minute I’m pissed and one minute I am completely blank and in shock. Sometimes I wonder how he feels when he is alone with Petey in our old house full of memories. I wonder if he regrets his decision in any way? I wonder if he misses me at all or only the things I used to do for him. I wonder what happened to the love we once had.

Suffering Dog Guilt, But, It Was Best

I saw Petey when I dropped the stuff off for him yesterday. I feel so sad. He didn’t even bark at me when I showed up. That isn’t like him. He is 14 years old. This is a big change for him. He went from one family to another (us) and we loved him and spoiled him and I was home with him all the time and he slept with me. Now, he is alone all day while HE goes to work. This has to be a shock on the poor dog. He is 14 years old! I feel guilty today. I know HE loves that dog. I know HE will take care of him. I also know it was the best decision for me. But, I seriously hope the dog can adjust to this. HE won’t get another dog to keep Petey company, I don’t think. Petey had a cat for company before. Now, he has nobody while HE is at work, and this wknd HE is going away. I don’t even want to think about it.

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After the dog yesterday, I got the car washed, then went to Walgreens and picked up my prescriptions. I also ordered myself some food from The Gluten Free Mall. I’ve found most of the stores I go to such as Mothers, Whole Foods, Sprouts, etc. seem to be further away now so it’s better to just have most things delivered. I like to do that anyway and not deal with the hassle of people and aisles and carts and lines, etc. Plus, this way everything I can eat is all in one place and easier to get without contamination.

Physically, I am doing a bit better this morning. I am planning on going to the lab and then getting coffee and Starbucks for breakfast.

Still Sick and Thinking Realistically

Still sick which doesn’t surprise me. I could not do it and still talked on the phone.
I only have to take the dog stuff over today and that’s it since I have just re-scheduled my Psych appointment to next week. It’s a bad idea to see the Psych today when my body and head are already foggy, plus, I need to talk during those appointments.

HE won’t be there to drop off the dog stuff since HE is working.

I was thinking last night and yes, you (all of you) are correct. 2% is a number HE picked out of the air to give me for any hope of getting back together in the future because I need/needed one. He knows it would break my heart if he said Never. I’m not quite sure how far this goes back that he has been Serious about leaving me. I really believed some or most of his comments were in jest.

I keep saying I want to hold onto something. But, as you have pointed out, why hold onto someone who doesn’t love you? Because this is the man who once DID love me. This is the man who walked down the aisle with me swearing before God and the world that he would love me, “In Sickness and in Health Until Death Do Us Part!” This is the man that loved me enough to give me his kidney so I could live. Yet, somehow, there was a turn in his mind.

Maybe it’s because I am a woman but I plead, beg and search for a legitimate answer. Anything to tell me just what and when our lives went so very wrong. Seriously, I need to accept the reason that I was sick to much? That makes him sound very selfish and carries on the trend of almost all my previous relationships. Was he thinking of this before or after he wanted separate bedrooms because he said my nightmares and side effects from meds kept him awake?
I would be happier if I found a picture or any other evidence of him having had an affair because I would get an answer. I could connect the being sick to much and lack of sex to the affair and it would make sense.

What kills me is..there is no closure. Not in the divorce, separation sort of sense. I still need to get myself ready for that. In the whole reasoning sense. This is worse then every other break-up I’ve had because there have been reasons for those. Some of which were stupid.

He is very determined and stubborn. Usually when he sets his mind to something, he does it. If he has really set his mind that this is final, there is to be no 2 or any %. No matter how much I cry, beg or pray. I know I need to wrap my mind around that.

What you all need to understand is I can’t go one minute hearing I definitely want to separate, two weeks later in an apartment and BOOM! be Divorced! It is to much in one swoop. This is why I am taking time to digest all this and slowly face reality and all facts. Facts. Not reasons; because I can’t find anything legitimate. I am starting to understand (on my own) there is no hope for a future with him. The acceptance part has not exactly set in but it is coming; the preparedness in my head is starting. It is not HIM calling the shots, it is me.

I will always love him in my heart but I will never understand and to have no closure; No real reason, Other then to say “You are sick to much”, or “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m not in love with you” or “I don’t like responsibility” just doesn’t cut it. I would rather have something more specific.

I am/was not a clingy wife. I did not put boundaries on my husband. I did not set rules. I’ll always remember when he we had this conversation:

S: “After we get married, Am I still going to be able to play Basketball?”

Me: “What do mean? Are you going to break your arm?”

S. “Well, some guys are saying when you get married the girls change and don’t let you do anything anymore.”

Me.: “When you get married, you add to each others lives; not subtract from them. Of course you can still play Basketball and I will still Karaoke.”

So, HE played Basketball and Volleyball and Softball, I Karaoke and Write. We did things together. We went to movies, car rides, things that pertain to animals..like the zoo, gambling trips, etc. probably not as much as he would have liked due to my being sick. But, we did things.

Since I had health issues that affected our sexual life: I didn’t mind if he looked at porn on the computer. I gave him time and stayed in the other room; if he and a buddy wanted to go to a strip club once in a while it was fine. Although, I did notice it become a bit more current within the last few months.

I gave the man everything he wanted and in return he leaves after 12 years of marriage. Without giving me the one thing I really need. A legitimate, true, reason.

First Day of Laughter Since My Hell

Bad News-Sick Today. Guess my body is telling me to slow down and my throat is telling me to stop talking. I only had one errand which will have to wait until tomorrow. My appointment wasn’t until the afternoon tomorrow so I can do todays plan tomorrow morning.

In good news- Yesterday was actually a decent day with laughter. I think it was the first day of mostly laughter. Went to Ruby’s Diner for lunch with a friend. I asked the guy who took our drink order if he had a Gluten-Free menu and first he asked what Gluten-Free meant. That’s a normal question, and in my case it means I can’t eat wheat, which I told him. But, then he asked “Why?” I got thrown off. “Why?” Who asks that? My friend was like, “IBS” and I added, “Yeah, Bowel Issues, Stomach Problems.” He said he was sorry as he just wanted to know and would get the server who knew more then he did. He was a young guy, probably straight out of high school; but my friend and I cracked up. “Why?” How about, because I woke up one day and thought it would be fun to bug people who work in restaurants with making orders complicated and figuring out what and if I can eat anything in your restaurant. Anyway, I wound up ordering a Veggie Sandwich on a Gluten Free Hamburger Bun and some Garlic Fries. The Garlic Fries did have some vegetable oil in them but since I’ve already had some stomach issues lately, it’s not like it’s much worse and the sandwich/bun thing was excellent. But the bun was so big I could hardly get my mouth around it. (Quiet, Celaine!). I haven’t eaten in a restaurant or that much food for so long, I could only eat half so the other half is in my refrigerator for today.

Then, last night, I got re-acquainted with an old friend from years ago. Suffice it to say, this is a person of whom we have had falling outs over and over again but our friendship has always picked up where its left off. Needless to say, we talked on the phone for over two hours last night catching up. Even though he lives a different lifestyle and has never been married, talking to him can really keep me grounded. Even with our falling outs, he has been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life, he is sort of like a brother to me. I know our conversation has a lot to do with my being sick today only because it probably didn’t help to talk until 2 a.m. on the phone but it’s okay. It was worth it in the end.

So, my friend from years ago is back in my life, My friend C. will come over another day, My errand from of today will be done tomorrow, I have lots of soup and stuff, Petey is not here so I don’t have to get dressed and can lay around all day. Today will be a recovery day so I can continue on tomorrow.

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