Continuous Posting

I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

Resolutions, Giving & Faithful Followers

Happy New Year!  My Resolution is:  Not To Make One.  I gave up on that years ago.  I have ADD.  I can barely concentrate enough to keep up with housework.  I shocked myself by completing a novel in Nanowrimo, but I still haven’t finished editing it or done anything more.  Anyway, if you resolve something, I wish you luck.

I want to talk about giving for a minute and obligations or feeling obligated.  When it comes to the holidays do you really feel obligated to give when you have received something or how about obligated to give..peried?  I believe that is so wrong and takes out the entire meaning of the Holiday.  Shouldn’t the spirit of giving come from your heart and shouldn’t the reception just be thank-you?  Here’s an example:  I gave my neighbor a small Christmas gift.  I know she likes Nativities and I found a small Nativity statue thing.  I snuck it over there on the 23rd so she would not have time to run to the store and buy me something, because I know they are having financial issues.  She called me up after Christmas and left me a msg thanking me and saying she would bring something over later.  I called her in the morning and we had a long talk.  She told me she didn’t like receiving presents and not giving back so she was making cookies for people and would bring over fresh cookies.  Okay, that’s cool.  My husband loves fresh, baked, cookies.  My neighbor said someone from her church did the same thing.

But it really makes me think about people and giving and receiving.  I think this is one reason a few of my relatives cut me  off a while ago from giving them presents at Christmas.  They did not want to have to buy for me.  But you know what?  They don’t.  I don’t do this for a gift back.  I guess I don’t think about giving and receiving the same as other people do.

Before I end this one, I want to thank my Faithful Blog Followers!  What fun stats from the last entry!  I do hope I keep you interested.  I know my topics have gotten a bit more serious lately, but it’s my real life.  As things quiet down, perhaps more humor and memories will evolve again.

What Do You Do All Day?

For those who are unemployed, (especially with ADD/ADHD) how do you spend your day?

My husband asks the question, “What do you do all day?” Heck, my doctor has asked that one too.  It’s hard to explain:

I admit, I spend way to much time reading then doing.  I read way to many blogs on WordPress and my other journal catching up with new blogs I follow to make whatever comments necessary and to feel as if I’ve gotten to know the authors of the blogs before posting my own blog.  I check my e-mail and Facebook every day without fail.  Okay, the e-mail without fail.  I may look at Facebook but if I don’t post, that’s not a big deal.  I make a list of things to do but I am so slow in the morning I usually don’t get started until 11 or 12.  Plus, I give myself credit if half the list gets done.  The list includes things like wash hair, fill coffee container, make husbands lunch.  Simple things that normal people (whatever normal is) would naturally do without a reminder.

I have been focusing on the upcoming garage sale  lately and finding more things to sell each day and I put an ad on Craig’s List and posted on Facebook about it so it will be a success.  Plus, I have been looking for a framed picture of a Black Panther (animal) for the Living Room Wall since we’ve decided to decorate with wild animals and abstract art.

Sometimes, it doesn’t look like I accomplish much, but I really do.  I only allow myself one  or two t.v. shows during the afternoon and the rest are after my husband gets home from work.

I make a list every night for the next day and transfer over the things that didn’t get done  to the next days list.  It’s a never-ending cycle.  Weekends..nothing on the list gets done though since my husband is home and it is a wknd after all.

Computer Addiction

What was life like before the computer?  Do you remember?  Did things get done around the house that I needed and wanted to get done?  Did I read more?  Did I want to go out and do things?  I remember actually taking myself to the Mall or a movie because I was bored or going for a walk with my Walkman.

I need to slow down this addiction.  My ADD does not help..neither does the fact that everyone in the world has computers and cell phones with all the bells and whistles and now my phone has it all too.  My phone also has most everything the computer does.  But, I digress in a way.  How many times can I check the stats here in hopes they’ll change?  That’s ridiculous.

I need to clean and work on my house.  I need to start exercising more. My husband says I need to get outside and get some Sun.  Yes, I still need to buy some things via computer but I should probably allot a time for that like between the things I need/want to get done..just like I should do the same with my favorite FB game.

So, that’s my hope and goal..but how things pan out may turn into something else.  I have a lot of ambition lately but the follow-thru is yet to be seen.

ADD & Husband

Every night before I go to bed I go through this ritual of wiping down the counter and the knobs on the stove (Thank God) and last night I discovered that one knob on the stove was not turned completely to the Off position.  It was barely there.  There was no flame, and no smell.  Nor was there any heat.  But, it wasn’t in the Off position which completely freaked me out.  I had last used it at 6 and that had been about 7 hours prior.  I was going to wake up S. but it was actually about 1-1:30 in the morning so I thought for a minute after putting my nose right next to the burner making sure I didn’t smell gas, and opened a window in the kitchen then decided to look up Yahoo Answers on my Cell Phone in the living room just to make sure there was no cause for concern.  All was fine but I wound up staying in the living room for about 15-20 minutes or more just to be safe .

Also, I have to make Lists for everything I do and and everywhere I go or I will most likely forget in a second.  It is actually sort of fun to see just how much I complete in a day on my list.  Anyway, my husband gets annoyed at times with my sense of direction and the fact that he has to clarify where a place is even though I’ve been there time and time again.  He hates it if I point out I have ADD.  He thinks I use it as an excuse.  One pet peeve of mine about him is his noisy gas which he is totally proud of and does all the time.  I seriously don’t remember him doing it as often before hei got married… Anyway, he was telling me how annoyed he was with me about having to remind me about directions somewhere when I’ve been there over and over again and right after he finished..he gassed.  So, I said, “Well, I get annoyed with that.”  He had to laugh and say, “I guess it’s and give and take isn’t it.”   I had to say, “Yeah, but in your case anyway..it’s more give and I’d rather not take.” lol.

Most of our arguments or at least those types will never have an ending and he knows it.

Hey, we’ve been married almost 11 years.  You would think he would be used to it by now.

Acting Weird Without Drinking

I went to a party on Saturday with a lot of people I went to High School with.  Some I’d seen at a party last year however to make it more confusing this time, a lot of people who showed up were from 2-3 graduating years back.  I have always been terrible at faces and names.  I can barely remember my neighbors from a few days ago.  If you are not in the expected setting  I just don’t recall who you are.  An ADD characteristic, perhaps?  Anyway, I wound up having a conversation with someone I thought was someone else,  (Luckily, they would be drunk by the end of the evening so hopefully won’t remember it.)     having a conversation with someone of whom I had no idea who they were until someone came up and said “Hi So and So” and introduced themselves. and hugging someone and saying, “Oh, It’s good to see you” when the person I hugged wasn’t the person I meant to hug at all, but somebody told me they were.”   I did not even drink at the party and have not had a drink in about a year.  I have simply had no desire to and I think I have been nervous of the possible reactions of drinking due to all the medications I am taking.

I love to help people at Christmas (or anytime actually) and someone posted on the main Operation Christmas Child Facebook Wall that they may not be able to provide Christmas for her 7-year-old Grand-Daughter so I called and talked to the lady before going to Walgreen’s and buying some gifts: and mailing a box of stuff along with all the other gifts I sent out today.

  I pray the bills won’t be to high this month but I believe God put this on my heart so he will provide.  I mean we will be able to afford the bills.  I just hate the thought of having overspent especially when I am usually so good about buying most everything early.  Most of the extra spending on Christmas this year went to help other people with only a few last-minute gifts I had not bought yet and postage was a bit but could have been much worse if my sister wasn’t coming and picking up her packages.  I am thankful this year that postage goes by weight.

Needing Help Focusing

Tuesday night I went grocery shopping and spent over $200.00 on food.  I cannot believe how high food prices are getting.  I bought everything to make Lasagna for my husband which I’ve never made before but I am going to find the recipe and I am going to give it a shot.  Plus, I think I’ll make my from scratch Biscuits.  When it’s gets cold, I like to bake.

I was in a really good mood yesterday and I think I talked a mile a minute at the Therapist.

  I was looking forward to going to dinner with my friend Lisa last night and we wound up going to a really good Indian Restaurant in Buena Park, CA titled “Neel Kamal’.  They need more Dinner customers as most of their business comes for the lunch buffet and for take-out and we were the only ones there for dinner. 

I am really having a rough time finding something  to take to help me focus with myADD.  The Pharmacist even laughed when I asked her about Fish Oil or if there is a vitamin or anything for that purpose.  My Primary did say I could try Focus Factor and see if it works but he doesn’t understand that I’ve had a Kidney Transplant and I have to be really careful on some of those herbs and things (I guess) that some of the doctors don’t believe in.  Plus, all the vitamins in Focus Factor or some of those other things of that nature may be to much or to little with the Multiple the doctor has already required me to take.  Adderrall is pretty much a definite NO due to the side effect of weight loss.

Getting Better But Bad Focus

I  to CHOC (Children’s Hospital of Orange County) on Thursday and the doctors were very impressed by my weight gain.  I’ve gained 4 lbs in 3 months and weigh 101 now.  They have also raised my Protein grams per day to 33 verses 30.  They are still looking for a doctor to do a Psychological/Intelligence test which I am curious on the results. 

I asked about possibly starting to take something to help me with Focus but my husband does not like that idea as he thinks I don’t need another medication.  I wonder if an extra Vitamin or something would help.  I’ve heard Fish Oil is good for memory.  I’ll have to ask my PC  if  it could hurt my Kidneys or anything.  I’ve read that supplementing Fish Oil in your diet is good for and may even help people with ADD/ADHD.

Yesterday, we went to the store and I came out and did not see the car after my husband (I may just start using an S) had moved it.  He thought I was crazy.  However, I’ve done this forever.  I remember I dated someone who had a big truck and I still never knew where to look when he pulled up and I went out to meet him and he was waiting for me.  He thought I was nuts when I looked all over and he finally had to honk the horn.

  Even on Thursday when I went by myself to the hospital, I still had a hard time finding the entrance (not the usual entrance since I’d parked somewhere else) and then re-locating my car when I came out…not to mention which Registration Desk to go to because they usually aren’t all open.  But, I got there and got through it alone with a bit of help by asking strangers who were going the same direction.

ADD Is Distracting Me

Today I am trying to work on distraction.  I only seem to get one to two main chore type things done in a day and it is not that I am lazy.  From what I’ve read, this has a lot to do with my ADD and it is actually driving me crazy.  My Therapist seems to think ADD doesn’t have much to do with timing however she has not dealt with ADD patients for a long time.

  Here’s an example:  –  I will start to fold the laundry, then will come in and have lunch, then will need to look up something on the computer or write in what I had for lunch.  Before you know it, I’ve been on the computer for an hour and the laundry is not completed.  But, that’s okay..it can wait.. I need to water the lawn.  While watering  I can watch T.V…Oh, I can watch that right niow, I should finish reading the paper so my husband can have it.   After about 20 minutes…Did I set the timer?..Whoops…I need to switch the water.  Wasn’t I supposed to make a phone call today?    I should probably e-mail so and so about such and such.   There’s another hour or more on the computer because that article looked good and maybe I won’t stay up until 1 or 2 a.m. if I play computer games now instead of later. 

 Before I know it, the day is over and I might have watered the Lawn,  made that important call and sent that e-mail I was supposed to send.   The rest will wait to be put off for another day

WordPress Addiction

I’m addicted to WordPress.  Every day I check the Stats probably at least 3 times. Do people care?  Also, did I make the Featured Blogs?  Is my entry easy to find on the Most Popular Tags, and Tag Surfer..Maybe someone is talking about something I can relate to and I can Follow them.  So, I can spend hours reading Blogs.  A good yet bad thing with my ADD.    It used to be computer games but not anymore.  Now, it’s Blogging and the fact that anyone in the world can read my thoughts.  What a concept.  Whoever came up with this idea deserves an award! 

One of my favorite movies is The Truman Show.  Plus, I remember on FX they actually had a guy film his life for like a week.  The idea of  watching how someone else lives is amazing to me even if they are just like me.  I don’t care if they sit in their pajama’s all day and watch T.V.. and drink beer.  It’s simply that invasion of privacy factor.  Not to mention, you also get to see how they decorated their house, what they eat for breakfast, where they buy their groceries, how they make their money, etc.

This is one addiction I do not want cured.