Suffering Dog Guilt, But, It Was Best

I saw Petey when I dropped the stuff off for him yesterday. I feel so sad. He didn’t even bark at me when I showed up. That isn’t like him. He is 14 years old. This is a big change for him. He went from one family to another (us) and we loved him and spoiled him and I was home with him all the time and he slept with me. Now, he is alone all day while HE goes to work. This has to be a shock on the poor dog. He is 14 years old! I feel guilty today. I know HE loves that dog. I know HE will take care of him. I also know it was the best decision for me. But, I seriously hope the dog can adjust to this. HE won’t get another dog to keep Petey company, I don’t think. Petey had a cat for company before. Now, he has nobody while HE is at work, and this wknd HE is going away. I don’t even want to think about it.

436547-R1-026-11A_012

After the dog yesterday, I got the car washed, then went to Walgreens and picked up my prescriptions. I also ordered myself some food from The Gluten Free Mall. I’ve found most of the stores I go to such as Mothers, Whole Foods, Sprouts, etc. seem to be further away now so it’s better to just have most things delivered. I like to do that anyway and not deal with the hassle of people and aisles and carts and lines, etc. Plus, this way everything I can eat is all in one place and easier to get without contamination.

Physically, I am doing a bit better this morning. I am planning on going to the lab and then getting coffee and Starbucks for breakfast.

Advertisements

He Gets The Dog and Other Animal Things

time,menIMG_20130608_145808

Before we got married, HE had dogs and I had cats. We had cat and dog figurines on the wedding cake next to the Bride and Groom and cats and dogs going down the stairs from the top cake to the ground over a fountain; since we only had one Bridesmaid and one Groomsman.

Now we are separated. I slept solid last night after another sob fest. But, I woke up with a clear head and made a solid decision. HE can have his dog. Yes, I love that dog. Yes, I’ve cared for that dog. However, technically it is HIS dog. HE chose the dog. His friends gave us the dog. He has begged for visiting rights/privileges with the dog. Within the last week, I have finally gotten the dog to pee on the patio. PEE on the patio. That is only one part of his business. I used to sleep in until 9 and 10 because the dog had a dog door. I admit, I will miss the dog, but without him, I won’t have to make myself get dressed right away to take him for walks. I won’t have to force myself to stay up and dressed when I don’t want to in order to take him out for his last walk at 9:30 at night.

I spoke to HIM on the phone. HE said he may stay in the house now and can even put a dog door in the sliding glass door since he has already blocked in the other one. HE sounded happy about my decision. He also said he may just stay in the house now until Petey dies and when the 9 months end, he will probably just buy me a mobile home wherever I want.

I won’t tell you other things he said. I won’t tell you things that could take me out of La-La-Land should I choose to believe them. I won’t/can’t throw hope away even if HE wants me to head in that direction. It’s only been a week! Before you say it, I know, it’s probably been more then a week for him. But, it’s only been a week for me. I’m not prepared to accept it as over yet. Not completely. HE announced it a few weeks ago. Look how much changed in a few weeks. We’ve really hardly been a part. The sale is coming up in a few weeks. Couldn’t his feelings change after the sale, sometime? I NEED more then a week to accept even the thought of the possibility of this being final!

So, even though I told my dog I would not leave him. He is with his daddy. I’m sure he will adjust. Physically, the cat and I are adjusting already, and I am actually relieved of the burden.

Speaking of the cat. I am back to being the Crazy Cat Lady. I lived in a 4-Bedroom House where I had a large Coca-Cola collection and my library was my Cat Room. I’ve decided to decorate my apartment with Cat Things only. I kept one or two of my Coke things only because they are unique, but that is it. I have cat pictures, cat clocks, a cat ceiling pull, a cat rug, cat checks, even a cat license plate frame. I always used to say cats came before a man and if I found a man they would have to approve of each other. If I am/go back into the single life. That will stand again. It is Firepie and I alone now to face the world.

You know the license plate frame I should have gotten: “The More I Know of Men: The More I Love My Cat.” I think I’ll get a sign, or a t-shirt, or something. I know I have to watch my spending but that would really cheer me up. Maybe I’ll buy one thing and put other stuff on my Amazon List. Heck, my friends read this. Someone get me something with that saying, Please. My B-Day is in 6 months.

I think I may actually see what I can find and update my Amazon List now.
One of my favorite shirts just got ripped anyway and had to be thrown away.

Finally Getting Sleep…7th Day.

And on the Seventh day, God rested. Yeah, I know that was after he made the world and all was good but I’ll gloss over that part. I’ll fast forward to the rest because that’s what Firepie and I are going to do tonight and tomorrow, and tomorrow night, and maybe even Sunday night if HE will keep Petey that long.

Today-

My day started crying during a conversation over birds. I was talking to a friend about birds in her garden and how she watches them through the window and loves to feed them from the bird feeders. I used to do that every day. I would even give them old bread. That started a sob fest. She went on and on and changed it to Humming Birds. Thanks, now your reminding me of the Humming Birds I fed every day and the nest in the back of the house that could be hatching any day but I won’t get to see.

Then, it’s washing my hair which is supposed to cheer me up but it doesn’t because I love hot water but water has to be constantly adjusted to get the right temperature and doesn’t stay hot like it did at the house. I was spoiled before and could take nice, long showers. So, I cried and wondered where Norman Bates was when I needed him. “Gee Officer, I don’t know. I know she was very depressed but there was absolutely no way those knife cuts could have been done by herself.”

I dropped the dog off and HIS uncle was there fixing up the house. Which tells me HE is seriously getting ready to sell. I looked in the frig and got a bit annoyed that he had not even opened the mixed salad I had bought him I left. He used to eat some salad and salads are probably healther then some of the junk he is eating now. Yes, I left him a note but I won’t tell you everything written in it. I’ve decided to keep a few things between Him and I, and hold onto at least one little straw that I have, which is all I have for at least a little while longer. Even if the straw is only in my mind. Physically I really have accomplished a lot in 7 days and mentally, I have not had a nervous break-down but; if I have to drop that straw right this minute. I cannot guarantee anything.

Let me see if I can remember all or most of what I have done this week:

Physically moved into the apartment.
Started unpacking.
Started seeing a Psychologist
Sent new address info to friends, family, DMV, Voters Info and CDL Info, and Social Security/Disability Administration, had televisions, utilities, etc. installed, walked Petey almost continuously and trained him to at least pee on the patio, bought numerous extra things for the apartment including a Mattress Topper today and a new pillow because I’ve started having back pains the last few days on the new bed, changed checking account address information and received temporary checks, Put up the shower curtain with rings in bathroom.

All this amidst much mental anguish and crying and pain. Plus, mini breakdowns with Xanax as my answer + headache, weight loss, diarrhea, etc. some of which is due to not taking care of myself because I am very depressed and exhausted.

But, it is the 7th day. I bought a beautiful Fieldcrest Mattress Topper at Target. It looks soft. I also bought a soft pillow to sink into. Firepie and I will be alone and we plan to curl up and sleep. As soon as I got home at 4:50. I put my pajama’s on. I don’t have to go out again tonight and that feels good.

My Apartment Living Problems & Observations

I told Petey (and myself) I would never leave and abandon him when things got hard like HE did. However, I really am at a loss. I’m out at all hours of the morning and night walking him as he refuses to use the patio. Last night, I put his leash on and walked for an hour up and down the patio and he still held it. He won’t even urinate on the patio. Something about the smells, I guess. If I don’t find the answer soon, I will have to give Petey back to HIM and let HIM deal with it. Then, HE will have the responsibility of finding somewhere that has grass if he doesn’t keep the house. However, I haven’t actually made that decision yet. I am still seeking a solution. At least I am taking Petey to visit with HIM over the wknd so I can get some rest with only Firepie here. I know if that does happen, then I will wish I had moved closer to where my friends are because with only Fire; I could have found quite a few closer apartments, but, the rent is already paid in advance for 9 months and there is a penalty if you leave early. This is what HE was afraid of. But, we are still only separated in the talking sense so it makes mores sense to just stay here verses moving again right away anyway. I chose the 9 months so we could both figure things out. Nothing is figured out. Right now, I need to figure out the dog situation and the fact that due to this situation, I am getting absolutely no sleep.

When I moved into this apartment, it was being renovated. Now, there are some shoe scuff marks. I wear tennis shoes. So, I have to try to work on that today.

I haven’t really met my neighbors although I’ve talked to one (or a friend of one) and said Hi to a few. I’ve also observed how a few live. One neighbor above me runs the dishwasher or washing machine every night. Some apartments have washer/dryers (mine doesn’t) and some don’t, the neighbors across from me have a child, I think. I think the same neighbor is a Mexican woman who parks her car next to mine and speaks Spanish while talking on her cell phone and throwing trash on the ground. I talked to one gentlemen who warned me about parking inside the gate and told me to make sure you have a permit because he was towed after only 3 hours. Guests need to park outside or have a Visitors Pass to park inside Visitors Parking.

When I’m out early in the morning walking Petey, I can see people in business uniforms leaving their apartments going off to work.

9:16 a.m.- I just ordered a Dog Potty. It has fake grass on top and leaks into a pan. This better work. It’s basically a dog litter box. He mainly needs to use it at night and early morning or when I’m sick. But, now I get more responsibility of emptying the pan when he goes. Oh well, I’m not the one who didn’t want responsibility. I am just tired and stressed. Plus, Petey is barking at the gardeners. I’m trying to break him of that. It’s hard. He did this at home. He doesn’t like them near our house. I started yelling at him this morning. I can’t yell at him. We are in an apartment. A new place. New gardeners. New smells. I’m a bad mother.

With Or Without Him

When I am with him, I am okay. Because he acts as if nothing has changed. We are friendly to each other. I can’t fight with him. There is no reason to. I don’t know why I still buy him food and do his laundry. Yes, I do because the mindset is not here yet. However: the packing goes on. We will be separating but without legal separation papers at first because that costs money and as he said, “If we do that; we may as well just get the divorce.” but, we can’t get the divorce due to medical insurance.” At least, not yet. Maybe in 9 months, he will have had a raise or maybe I will know where/if I am going. I may like the apartment so much; I’ll want to keep renting.

I think my headaches have decreased a bit because he is still here. It has only semi-hit. Like a compact car verses a big-rig. However, my stomach is in knots big time. Crazy diarrhea. I thought it was my diet which could play a factor as I was just starting to keep track again like I was supposed to, but it’s a combination of everything, I think. I know stress can play havoc on your body.

I am praying to hear from the apartments today with the approval of everything and the actual date finalized. In actuality, we only paid for the credit check. They are doing a thorough background investigation. In the meantime, there was a 2nd apartment that was perfect as far as location, amenities and square footage. They had said one would be available on the 8th or sooner. If they called tomorrow and said one was available; I may change my mind due to location purposes. But, they won’t. They aren’t even listed online anymore. This is stress talking. This is so freaky going to a new place, being in limbo and not knowing when, knowing I am going on my own,

I just took the dog to the vet a few days ago but I think I may have to take him again. He seem to be whining and curling himself up which he does when he back starts to bother him, plus, he is scooting and needs an anal express. The vet know the situation, I’m in. Maybe they can just give him some hydrocortisone without an office visit. They’ve done it before.

Questions About My Nightmare

3-4 headache pills every day and the last one gives me solid sleep until I wake up with a nightmare. My husband is leaving me. My marriage is over.

So, I’m talking to his Aunt on the phone this morning going over the scenario again and it Hits! I mean.. Really Hits! I frickin want a nervous breakdown! I want to die. I don’t want this. I want to wake up to my old reality as husband and wife. I literally want to scream or throw something or freak out. I wind up calling my sister who calms me down a bit. She actually tells me I need to calm down..I can’t go to the hospital..he won’t go there. Then, she gets into why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

Tonight, we talk, the man and I. The one who is still my husband, for the moment. He got annoyed a bit in the afternoon because I posted on Facebook about the situation and his sister got upset. I think she told him, as did a few others who called and texted him and asked what was going on. I guess he was going to keep it a secret for a while. I don’t know why. If he really wants to leave so bad, what’s the big secret?

We aren’t fighting. We are actually still getting along as usual except for the fact that I cry constantly now. Little things set me off. We watched a show where the family went camping in a motor home reminding me that S. had wanted to rent a motor home and go camping together. Plus, S. actually announced that he just doesn’t love me anymore.

One positive in this mess. My moving out is going to be Expensive! He is paying my rent. Plus, I will need some new furniture. After getting me moved, he may only have enough to rent a room somewhere. Oh well. In that respect, I have no sympathy. I come first financially since his wish of freedom or whatever is being fulfilled.

We will be getting a Lawyer very soon.

In the meantime, I still cannot believe any of this. I still want to wake up. I want to smack him in the head with a brick and have him wake up and love me again like he did when we first married.

I ask myself why I go through this over and over again in relationships and how this could happen with the man who supposedly committed his life to me? I ask myself why when I was born with a rare, metabolic disorder and was not expected to live.. my parents fought so hard for me to live; that I am meant to suffer over and over and over again like this? It would almost be better to have had some major physical and mental handicaps because then you are always like a child and your heart does not get broken so easily.

I would like to also know just how many tears one can cry because I just can’t seem to stop. If I stoop drinking water, do the tears stop, or do you just get dehydrated before you get sick and die?

I thank God for my animals because they have both been there for me during my break-downs and
give me a reason to get up. Right now, the focus is on packing and finding an apartment and I do think that will happen very soon.

My Mother’s Day Vacation

My husband is off to Vegas to spend time with his Mother and Aunt for Mother’s Day and Our Anniversary. It sort of sucks but it would be wrong to put myself through pain in a hotel room and have to deal with continuous lights and noise right now. I will spend Mother’s Day with my beautiful babies:

436547-R1-026-11A_012

I don’t know if I will get the Mary Poppins motivation this time. I seem to always fill with good intentions but can’t seem to follow through.

Perhaps it will be a good wknd to get some writing done on my book, since I am alone with quiet.

Could Marijuana Help? (+ other topics)

I woke up yesterday coughing, sore throat, headaches, etc. the works. Good thing I already have an appointment scheduled with my Primary today for a consult re: my headaches.

It’s looking more and more like our 12th Anniversary is going to be spent here with me alone with the animals and my husband in Vegas with his Aunt and Mother. Honestly, it will probably be better that way, this year. When I feel decent; I actually do enjoy being alone. I have these visions that I am going to be like Mary Poppins and thoroughly clean the house from top to bottom and it is going to be sparkling and shiny, but alas, that never works because the shredding alone is overwhelming.

I think I’ll just call and cancel Firepie’s boarding reservation + let our pet sitter know. I really don’t see drastic changes in the next four days. Plus, even if I did start feeling better, I would probably get worse again as soon as we got there or home; what with all the smoke, noise, etc.

Back to the headache note: I wonder if Marijuana can help headaches. I think it is legal here (at least with a doctors note). I may look into it. I can’t imagine smoking it, but I remember saying I could not imagine giving myself a shot either and now I have no problem with that. I doubt that’s an option the doctor will discuss with me today, but you never know.

A Show I Won’t Watch & Why I Am Flexitarian

Last night I watched a show with my husband about people who live in Alaska;. ‘The Alaskan Frontier’ or something.  They live with no electricity or gas, no plumbing or water and hunt, fish and grow their own food.  My husband made the comment that he would love to live like that.  Not true.  He loves his T.V. to much, plus, he pays to have a Gardener.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know how I feel about hunting for food.  I don’t agree with it.  Unless, these people are paid to live the way they do and told to hunt to keep the animal population down (which they aren’t) there is no reason for it.  I had to fast forward parts of it.  I don’t care if they use the entire animal or not.  To watch a father take his young son out rabbit hunting or to kill his first deer makes me sick.  My husband says, “What else can they do?  There are no stores there.”  That’s their choice.  Maybe have meat flown in from stores somewhere?  I don’t know.  But, I have no sympathy for those people during the Winter months.  How about become Vegetarians if you choose to live that way?  Why kill innocent animals because you choose to save money?  Needless to say, that is one show I am not watching again.

I have relatives that hunt as well.  I’ve talked about this before.  Hunting really bothers me.   I don’t know how my Niece puts up with it.  She says she doesn’t agree with it, yet, she has to support her husband who is an avid hunter.  He brought down a large Elk and even won an award, I think.  Plus, they are raising their children in the same direction.  I hate giving the children stuffed animals now because I am afraid they will want to shoot them.  I am just so opposite in that way.

Before you get into the fact of, how do you think we get our meat?  I am well aware of it but… unless you are in the business of supplying the supermarket chains, or you are in the olden days without the supermarkets, or you are in another country and starving and have nothing (another Country, not Alaska, that is a state.), I don’t agree with it and won’t agree with it.  This is one of the issues I feel strongly about and one main reason I am a Flexitarian.

True Stories-

When I was young, my father used to eat Pickled Pigs Feet.  They seriously looked like little, feet.  For the longest time, I could not figure out what happened to the rest of the pig and I wondered why dad didn’t feel really guilty.  I imagined pigs on their bellies in the mud with no feet.  It took a while to sink in that other meat was made from the rest of the pig.  Sad.

One night, my mother made Lamb for dinner, it looked disgusting.  I took a piece of my lamb and moved it around my plate saying, “Baa, Baa, “Baa.” so my mother or dad told me to “Stop playing with your food.” “Okay.” Then, I started singing, “Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow.” Dad looked at me, “Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”  Dad said, “That’s not Mary’s lamb.” and I asked, “How do you know?”  To this day, I don’t  know if I ate Mary’s Lamb for dinner.  What a terrible song, nursery rhyme, whatever for a child if they are eating lamb.  Go a head, finish the whole rhyme.  Lambs are really nice.

What about pigs.  Your eating Wilber from Charlotte’s Web.  Now, don’t you feel bad?  and don’t get me started on horses, or cows?  I’m sure I could come up with tons of nursery rhymes, children’s stories, etc. for any animal you decide to put on your plate at the dinner table to make you re-think what you really wish to feed yourself and your little ones.

Rising Food Price Observations

So, the wknd was spent being sick and feeling blah because that’s my life.the sick and well rollercoaster but mainly the sick part.  Sore throat, coughing, headaches, sneezing stuff.  Thinking you will never get over it and not wanting to get dressed or go outside to do anything.  Then, when you finally feel well enough to go outside; you don’t know who is winded more after walking halfway around the park..you or your dog who is almost 14 years old.

Anyway, today I finally slept in until 10:30.  I did go to bed around 2 so don’t get to excited because that only works out to about 8 1/2 hours or so but still.. it was a miracle for the animals to let me sleep in that long.

Anyway, I felt a lot better today so I got my grocery shopping done and I must say I am shocked at the grocery prices now.  I spent over $2-00.00 and saved a bit over $50.00 with my card  by buying most on my list but the price of bread and meat has sky-rocketed and they don’t even have the packs of hamburger which I used to bring home and separate anymore.  Now, you have to pay for the separate ground beef or burgers, which, although on sale still makes it more expensive.

Anyway, that’s my rant or observation of the day.  I need to do dishes before bed and I think I am aiming for 1 verses two tonight so I will tune in later.