I Wonder How Long Until Happiness Sets In

It’s been three weeks, as of yesterday. I don’t post every day because my days fade into each other. I watch t.v., I write letters, I call people, I play with the cat, I do the normal activities I have to..like eat, etc. I play games on Facebook, I still cry.

I’m done unpacking. I don’t want to do it anymore. There’s one more box that may have more towels although its marked Halloween. I’m missing some towels. I remember buying them. Or, maybe not. I’m not thinking straight. I keep putting stuff down and forgetting where it is. Sometimes, after being on the computer for a long time, I forget where I am and I think I’m at home..the other house..in the old kitchen and I’m surprised when I look to my left and I don’t see the kitchen table or the garage door. Then, my mind is back.

I still get headaches, I’m still not sleeping like I want to. Last night, I fell asleep while talking to a friend on the phone. That was rude. Luckily, he understands. He, yeah, it’s okay though. He is my best friend. The one I told you about. The one I got re-connected with.

I’ve seen the Psychologist twice but that didn’t work. He kept agreeing with me. Anything I said, he said, “Uh-Huh”, It’s good to feel that way”, “You’re right” He made me talk for the whole 45 minutes. What a waste. I could talk on the phone or to the cat for 45 minutes. I don’t need him. If I need to pay someone, I’ll get a Therapist, not a Psychologist. The last Therapist I had was nice but she was overly-religious and talked about herself all the time when she wasn’t preaching about God.

The manager introduced me to a lady who lives in the complex. A single lady with a cat. I got brave and knocked on her door yesterday, but she wasn’t home. Maybe some day we can drown our sorrows, or at least share our stories over a cup of tea. Guess I’m not the only Cat Lady in the complex.

A stupid guy who I thought was a friend tried to hit on me and wanted to spend the night. I got really pissed off! How dare men take advantage of this situation! First of all, I am separated, not divorced and from a Christian standpoint (which I and supposedly this man was) that is not moral and is considered Adultery. Secondly, I have so much emotion around me right now; I am so sad and angry about having been abandoned like this. I have already bought a shirt that says, “The More I Meet Of Men, The More I Like My Cat.” The last thing I need right now is another man coming into my life messing me up. I need supportive friends. “Friends” can be male or female. Needless to say, that guy and I had some serious words and he is OUT! Off of Facebook, Out! I did tell him I would continue as acquaintances but I don’t think that is going to work either. But wait, are your enemies still your acquaintances?

I wonder what HE does with his time, when not getting the house fixed up by his uncle. Wknds are when we used to go for drives with the dog and laugh over t.v. shows which I can hardly watch in full anymore without crying. I wonder if HE and the dog watch those same t.v. shows in full and he can laugh at them as normal without missing those weird comments I used to make. I wonder if HE eats anything healthy other then Bananas. I wonder if we really could be “friends” as HE wants to..months in the future. I wonder how my life spun out of control the way it did and if I will ever be happy again.

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The Marriage Ending Saga (Found An Apartment)

I found an apartment and the paperwork is being signed and money is being put down today. We are also seeing someone about the Divorce. I may have to steel myself with a bit of anger or something to get through this: even though financially he is being very nice.

Here is what I don’t need right now. I have a neighbor who I thought was a friend. A new Christian. She literally told me she does not like my decision and it is against God. She said I should fight for my marriage because God does not want Divorce. She went on and on about how I should be the stronger person and have faith because God turns people around, blah, blah, blah. I almost told her where to shove her religion.

I asked S. again if he was sure this is how he felt. He actually said not only Yes, but if he decided to stay he would probably just do this to me again in the future because he is not happy. He also said he has felt this way for about the last 5 years. I had the transplant about 6 years ago. This means, about right after the transplant, S. decided since I didn’t I didn’t get miraculously cured or for whatever reasons;.he wasn’t happy and we should end it.

He re-affirmed that there is no one else or at least no one by computer.

I can’t dwell on this anymore. I need to focus on moving and try to put my crying on the back burner until I get out of here, if possible. I could be moving as soon as next wknd.

Christians and Going To Church

As most of you know by now, I am a Christian, yet, I do not go to church.  To clarify, I do not go to an actual building on Sunday (Mosque, Church, Temple, Chapel or otherwise) to sit in a pew or chair next to people who may cough, sneeze, talk to or in any other way distract me during a service.  I also don’t have to listen to the singing and/or many other things that are involved in the service that do not come directly from the Bible if I do not desire.  I do church on television or via the internet.  Which means, I can fast forward the singing and get to the Sermon from the Pastor which is the main thing I want to hear.  I tune in for God’s word.  I can hear a different Pastor each week..at least from about 10 or so and some are not even around here.  Christmas does not have to be the actual Christmas story.  I can choose a title with a topic that may really help me during the week.

Let me give you some back-up as to how I got here.  I’ve posted a bit of this before so I’ll try to condense this.

I was raised in the Catholic Church and made to go to church every, single Sunday.  I never did believe in Purgatory, (the word is not mentioned in the Bible..and Yes, I have read the entire Bible..it took me 3 years!) and I always believed the Priest changing the water and wine into God’s body and blood was a reminder of the Last Supper…not that he was actually doing it every week, I also could never understand why we used the collection money for things like air conditioning and new seats for the church when we could be sending it to people who really needed it.  (I do think the Catholics picked a really good Pope in that way now, but I digress)   I was raised in the Youth Group and followed all the rules.  I was Miss Goody Two Shoes and totally believed in holding out sex before marriage.  I had a massive crush on the popular guy (as did most girls) and was shocked when his girlfriend became pregnant by him.  I thought for sure everybody would shun her or at least treat her differently and treat me better..but instead, they threw her a baby shower and the two got married and had a baby.  That may be when my sex before marriage view changed, I’m not sure.

After a few years of seeking a different church, I joined the Baptist Church.  This worked quite well for a while until the Pastor started up with the every Sunday thing in order to be a good church member.  I had been on the Women’s Group but that had ended and when I offered to re-start it, they said no because you had to attend every service.  They had two services on Sundays.  I do not wish to be forced to go anywhere.  That is ridiculous.  Then, he started begging and guilting people into giving money and going on and on about how you should want to give to God from your heart.  I’ve never believed in Tithing.  I’m sorry.  God isn’t getting my money.  The church is.  A group of people who decide what they want to use my money for that I have given them.  In essence, I am paying so they can preach God’s word to me as they interpret it.  I have Bible for that!  The last reason the 2nd church didn’t work out is because I started to check out a few other churches and confided in a few people a head of time, (not the Pastor) and a “friend” actually went and told the Pastor, so I was told I could no longer help in the church office (folding flyers) if I was considering leaving the church.  What?  I hadn’t said anything to the Pastor because my decision hadn’t been made but at that moment, I guess it was made for me so I was gone.

The last church I attended was also Baptist.  Thee people have views that are at the point of being ridiculous.  The Pastor and I almost got into it at Halloween because he believes putting up Halloween decorations of witches, ghosts, etc. is asking evil spirits to invade your world and you should always live as a Christian and be ready for Christ.  He got annoyed that I didn’t bow down and say, “Oh, your right, I’m so sorry.”  Uh..Nope.  Not my belief.  Then, everybody sort of started treating me differently after that and the air was just weird.  Plus, they would talk behind the back of other members and say, “I heard so and so said this and I think so and so may have been a druggie anyway.”  Who knows what they are saying now that I’m gone.

 

Anyway, when I explain that I do church on the internet or television, I get tired of hearing the response, “You should really find a church family.”  Why?  I just told you my reasons for not going?  Everybody is different.  God is working in me in his own way and we have our own relationship.  I don’t need your drama of seeing you on Sunday and then not talking to you during the week.  I had a friend that swore all the time and treated her family like crap, but she was the “Perfect Christian” because she went to church every Sunday.  Guess what?  I found out, she is divorced now.  She as a devout Catholic.

Before you quote the commandment:  I am well aware:  It is:  Keep Holy The Sabbath Day. 

A Christian means “Follower of Christ” and as a Follower of Christ; I do not need to go to church.

 

 

 

A Rant For Real Sickness

I just read a blog that was a bit disturbing to me.  One of those blogs that went on about.. “You have a choice.  You choose to be healthy.”  Blah, Blah, Blah.”  Okay, Blogwriter Person, since I am not going to name your Blog or you because that would be rude and I didn’t leave a comment.  It doesn’t really matter because there are many people out there that believe the same thing. ” It’s your decision to get up every day.  Just fight through the pain.”

Were you people born with rare disease issues that have weird side-effects that keep us sick in one way or another?  When you have head or stomach pain to the point that you are vomiting and can only pray for that pill to take the pain away and you can barely move your head or handle noise..can you seriously tell me you are out running a marathon or doing your yoga or Eating a STEAK?  Plus, seriously, “Eat Like A Lion?”  Give me a break.  I don’t care what the Cavemen did.  They may not have had our ailments but they did not have our weather with the pollution and cars, etc to deal with either.  Their meat came straight from the animals and their vegetables came straight from the ground.  No sprays on those vegetables to keep them fresh.  My system cannot handle wheat and I do not believe in eating animals.  Plus, everybody’s body is different so the same diet does not work for everyone.

Back to my questions to people with this belief or philosophy, is my choice of waking up saying I am going to be healthy today going to get my body healed soon so I will not have to have a hysterectomy?  It hasn’t worked so far.  And, it’s funny because on Friday, I tried to make that choice when I had to do the treadmill test without caffeine and my headache pain was so bad; I could not go through with it.  I was vomiting and my husband had to pick me up from the hospital and take me home.

It’s a great idea in theory, but it doesn’t work for those of us who are seriously ill with Real sickness.

This reminds me of when I was in school and could never pass  a test because I had test-anxiety.  Nobody ever caught that and I failed almost EVERY test.  I pretty much passed all my classes with homework and extra credit.  I could study for hours and I would still fail the test.  Just say the word, “Test” and I would blank out.  If I believed your philosophy.  I could just believe I would pass the test and I would be able to pass.  Guess what?  I tried that once.  Still failed.

Being chronically ill, I get tired of people with this belief/philosophy.

I don’t mean or try (as a matter of fact, I try not to) to complain about my health all the time.  But, this blog is to update friends, family and strangers about my life especially the health aspect, so I don’t have to keep repeating it.  I have a lot of health issues which I Can’t Help without doctors and pills or shots, or whatever.  I am helping myself in getting help from others.

A Show I Won’t Watch & Why I Am Flexitarian

Last night I watched a show with my husband about people who live in Alaska;. ‘The Alaskan Frontier’ or something.  They live with no electricity or gas, no plumbing or water and hunt, fish and grow their own food.  My husband made the comment that he would love to live like that.  Not true.  He loves his T.V. to much, plus, he pays to have a Gardener.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know how I feel about hunting for food.  I don’t agree with it.  Unless, these people are paid to live the way they do and told to hunt to keep the animal population down (which they aren’t) there is no reason for it.  I had to fast forward parts of it.  I don’t care if they use the entire animal or not.  To watch a father take his young son out rabbit hunting or to kill his first deer makes me sick.  My husband says, “What else can they do?  There are no stores there.”  That’s their choice.  Maybe have meat flown in from stores somewhere?  I don’t know.  But, I have no sympathy for those people during the Winter months.  How about become Vegetarians if you choose to live that way?  Why kill innocent animals because you choose to save money?  Needless to say, that is one show I am not watching again.

I have relatives that hunt as well.  I’ve talked about this before.  Hunting really bothers me.   I don’t know how my Niece puts up with it.  She says she doesn’t agree with it, yet, she has to support her husband who is an avid hunter.  He brought down a large Elk and even won an award, I think.  Plus, they are raising their children in the same direction.  I hate giving the children stuffed animals now because I am afraid they will want to shoot them.  I am just so opposite in that way.

Before you get into the fact of, how do you think we get our meat?  I am well aware of it but… unless you are in the business of supplying the supermarket chains, or you are in the olden days without the supermarkets, or you are in another country and starving and have nothing (another Country, not Alaska, that is a state.), I don’t agree with it and won’t agree with it.  This is one of the issues I feel strongly about and one main reason I am a Flexitarian.

True Stories-

When I was young, my father used to eat Pickled Pigs Feet.  They seriously looked like little, feet.  For the longest time, I could not figure out what happened to the rest of the pig and I wondered why dad didn’t feel really guilty.  I imagined pigs on their bellies in the mud with no feet.  It took a while to sink in that other meat was made from the rest of the pig.  Sad.

One night, my mother made Lamb for dinner, it looked disgusting.  I took a piece of my lamb and moved it around my plate saying, “Baa, Baa, “Baa.” so my mother or dad told me to “Stop playing with your food.” “Okay.” Then, I started singing, “Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow.” Dad looked at me, “Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”  Dad said, “That’s not Mary’s lamb.” and I asked, “How do you know?”  To this day, I don’t  know if I ate Mary’s Lamb for dinner.  What a terrible song, nursery rhyme, whatever for a child if they are eating lamb.  Go a head, finish the whole rhyme.  Lambs are really nice.

What about pigs.  Your eating Wilber from Charlotte’s Web.  Now, don’t you feel bad?  and don’t get me started on horses, or cows?  I’m sure I could come up with tons of nursery rhymes, children’s stories, etc. for any animal you decide to put on your plate at the dinner table to make you re-think what you really wish to feed yourself and your little ones.

The Future Of Gender..My Beliefs

This one is going to upset some people but it is my blog and my opinion and free speech so if it offends you..well.. Uh.. Okay, I’m sorry if my personal opinion on this issue offends you. However, it is my opinion.  Anyway, here we go:

Apparently, Little Saigon (I believe it was there) has a Tet Parade every year and they do not include the LGBT groups because they do not believe in them as part of their religious culture.  Well, as you may have guessed, the LGBT groups did not like this because it is unfair and discrimination.  They must be part of the parade because as you know, everyone must know that they have their own groups and we should all be excited to see them flaunt the fact that men like men and women like women..but I digress.  So, they took the case to court..but they lost this time because it was to close to the actual parade date.  However, now the rules may be changed for future parades and the Tet parade may have to be held without prejudice or discrimination.  In other words, it will no longer be their parade.

I miss the times of boys and girls forts and clubs when boys or girls were not allowed.  I believe there should be places for only Men and Woman.  I believe organizations should be able to have parades and clubs they believe in and if they don’t want a certain group; it should be okay.  I would like to go back to the time when morals were instilled and children had a mother and a father only.  When a mother was a female and a father was a male.

You do not see straight people having a parade to show everyone how excited we are.  I do not understand the flaunting of what some still do not agree with.

I am a Believer and I believe God is crying great tears at his decision of promising never to flood the world again.

I believe soon we will all become people and it won’t matter if we are men or women anymore.. and that will be a very, sad day.

Fitting Into The Working Industry

So, I just read an article where someone said they believed the Head of the School-Board or the superintendent-of-Schools should either have children or at least be required to like children in some way in order to get the job.

I want to take that thought a lot further.  I’ve always believed larger type woman should work in large woman clothing shops, petite woman should work in woman’s petite shops,  Italians who speak English as well, should work in Italian restaurants, etc.  After all, you don’t see people who are in the business of gaining weight and working at ice cream shops talking about and boasting Jenny Craig diets.  Why not fit people to the industry they can represent?

Change For Bus…Or Not

I had a Christmas post I’d written but it was in draft form and somehow had not been published so I just posted it.  Hopefully, you will not consider it to late as it  is still relevant.

Now onto today’s topic:

I do not like being lied to or taken advantage of, and I really do not like them both happening at the same time.  I consider myself to be a giving person and have been told I have a bit heart but I give too much or am to trusting and can get hurt someday.  True, one can also get hurt swimming, sky diving, driving your car, riding your bicycle or even crossing the street..but I digress.  If I should get hurt while giving to someone; it will be at least have been a blessing to have been partaking in what I believe God has called me to do.

Usually, I say a prayer over who God wants me to help before I help them although, sometimes there is not time.  Take today for instance:

As I exited the local store, a boy on a skateboard (maybe around age 16-18) approached me on a skateboard and asked if I could spare any change for the bus.  The bus stop is right across the street from the store and the bus was out at the stop.  I looked at him and said, “hmm, change for the bus?”  It seemed legit.  I dug out what I had coin-wise and gave him the change.  He skatebaorded to the bus and went behind it.  As I got in my car, he skateboarded back to the store parking lot, laughed with his friend and high-tailed it out of there..gast.  He NEVER took the bus.

Okay, it could have been the wrong bus, the bus may not have been running anymore.  Something may have happened but.. if so, why would you be laughing?.  I said a prayer of forgiveness for the boy but it is reaffirming my idea of not giving money away, and continuing on with my bags only.

 

Merry Christmas To All

Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas because that’s what I celebrate.  If that’s not what you celebrate:  I hope your holiday is good too.  Unless, it is Satanic because I admit that I am totally against that one.

Sharing The Giving Experience

Last night after watching half of the series of Roots which was on t.v. or my husband had taped it previously.. we went for a drive and looked at Christmas lights which we do every year.  This time we had our 13 year-old dog with us and I had also brought my  bag with me that was filled and ready to give to a Homeless Person.

It had been a long drive this time and my poor dog was tired and he kept laying on my arm and he would lay his nose and head in my shoulder instead of on the window ledge in the cold night air periodically.  Plus, I also, was starting to get tired but I would have been willing to check out one more area for lights.  Plus, with the cold. I didn’t have much hope of seeing a homeless person, which was actually a good thing because I really wanted to believe no one would be out on Christmas Eve and they would have shelter somewhere.  But alas, my husband and I saw someone at the same time.

8 p.m. may not seem late to most but when it is cold and you are sitting alone on a step next to a Liquor Store looking as  if you are asleep with your head on your hands and your hands on your legs, 8 p.m. is probably really late to you.  Although, we did not see the person as having a bag or a cart, they seemed to be homeless and did not look as  if they were waiting for a ride.  At first, my husband looked at me.  I know he wanted me to be the one  to take the bag to this person, but I had the dog, and I could not toss him aside this time.  My poor, tired, 13-year old dog.  So, my husband volunteered to take the bag to the person in question.  We were both surprised to discover said person is a Girl! I yelled Merry Christmas to her before we drove away and my husband was telling me how happy she seemed and that she was already starting to look through the bag.

It reminded me about God saying whenever you give to others, it is the same as giving to him.  I am so happy to have been able to make that Christmas Eve miracle plus, I think it was good for my husband to have had that experience.

I hope you have all had a wonderful Christmas (or whatever Holiday you celebrate) so far.

 

 

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