So Tired and Drained

I am so tired of dealing with this. Now, we are separating verses a Divorce right away because of the medical insurance coverage. I can’t lose my coverage. I can’t afford it on my own..but, now he tells me if he decided not to give me any alimony; he might have been able to cover the medical and I would have lived on all the other stuff. Whatever.

I don’t care anymore.

So, we can separate. After 9 months, we will re-evaluate the relationship and the financial aspect of it. Good .AT least give me 9 months away. You want 9 months to play friends, or whatever.. Fine. Get your head on straight. Whatever. Stop jerking me around. I need to get away from you. Why can’t you understand that? You don’t love me. I can’t be your Insta-Friend after 12 years of being your wife.

Tomorrow, I am going back to my counselor for an emergency meeting. (So, to speak.) Everything is signed and turned in for the apartment. Please give me my definite move-in date. Tell me soon and let’s get going. My animals are stressed and so am I.

Plus, I’m tired of hearing people tell me he or anyone I’m with needs to be a Christian. I’m sorry but I’m getting to where I’m ready to turn off my phone and Facebook until I’m moved out and alone and away from him. Not keeping anyone I know in the loop, at all. People are lecturing him now and people are lecturing me.

There’s also the fact that he is taking off work again tomorrow. Playing sick. I wish he would just go. For someone that doesn’t want to be around me anymore, he isn’t really wanting to separate any time soon and he seems to act as if we are just friends now. This is exhausting and emotional to me. Why doesn’t he get it???

Sharing To Much

Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has advice. They may have been through a similar situation but it is NOT the same. They were not married to the same man. They do not have the same disabilities as I. They are not in the same financial situation. One thing I’ve learned from this experience is not to share the finer details anymore about the issues. We are doing things our way. Yes, I said “We.” He is still my husband at the moment. Legally, we are still married. We start divorce proceedings (the paperwork aspect or the consultation or whatever) on Monday. He is supportive in that way and will continue to be. That is nobody’s business but mine!

We looked at apartments all day. We actually signed for one as far as having the credit checked. It is a cute condo. However, the more I’ve been thinking about it. I really want a one-bedroom with a back yard area for the dog. The condo had a front patio only which, would prove awkward for the dog, and it was a bit small.

Emotionally, I contacted my doctor who gave me Xanax to calm down. After one pill, I know it can be addictive. I think I may only need one a day or so. It gets me back on an even keel. I stop crying, I literally float in a euphoric fog. I also sleep. Last night I finally slept over 5 hours straight. It was wonderful!

My thoughts still go in and out as I pack. I’ve accepted it to a point. But, things won’t really hit until I move out which may not be to soon because I am finding it hard to find a one-bedroom that takes pets, with a small yard, in a decent price range. I found one will open up in mid-June. It’s 900 square feet which would be fantastic.

I’m willing to wait, if necessary. I mean..we don’t fight. Especially now I have my Xanax to fall back on. But, a month? I don’t know. The packing?..The acceptance? I am liable to forget just why I am packing at all if I wait to long.