Sloow Changes & Constant Wondering

Yesterday I didn’t post. I was tired of talking about it. Writing about it. Thinking about it. But, I DID think about it. I will always think about it..This whole life change and how I got back where I started through no fault of my own. A woman doesn’t dream of starting single, getting married for a short time, and then becoming single again for some unknown reason. It’s just unrealistic.

My days start to early. Even without the dog, I don’t sleep as long as I would like I’m hoping that will change eventually. I start my day with unpacking at least one box. Eventually, I will get this place completely done.

I did the laundry yesterday and mumbled to myself about how much I hated apartment living. It took like half hour to figure it out. You have to buy a card from a machine but when you buy the card, it has no money on it. (as the manager pointed out..”like a gambling card”) then, you have to use your credit/debit card to put money on the laundry card in order to do your laundry. Then, the laundry machine is weird and it said I had a Bad Card because you have to keep the card in the slot for so long until it actually starts working. Totally annoying. Plus, I am washing colors and whites together now. May as well. As long as I’ve pre-washed new things (which I think I will do in the sink when I get them) they won’t run and probably won’t shrink. Why waste extra money on what isn’t even a full load?

The garage sale is next week and since HE is gone this wknd; I am going to the house to organize and probably price stuff for it. HE wanted to know what day so he could ask his uncle not to come. I wouldn’t let him do that. I know why. It’s because he is probably paying his uncle extra to walk the dog during the day. I felt bad but it is his dog and he needs to take the responsibility for him. I am not going over there to walk the dog. I am going over there to work on yard sale stuff. Plus, I don’t know if I am going over there today or tomorrow so I am not going to post it here. Yes, it is very hard sometimes to play the part of Bitch, I must admit.

Since it hasn’t been long. My feelings switch. One minute I cry, One minute I’m pissed and one minute I am completely blank and in shock. Sometimes I wonder how he feels when he is alone with Petey in our old house full of memories. I wonder if he regrets his decision in any way? I wonder if he misses me at all or only the things I used to do for him. I wonder what happened to the love we once had.

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Suffering Dog Guilt, But, It Was Best

I saw Petey when I dropped the stuff off for him yesterday. I feel so sad. He didn’t even bark at me when I showed up. That isn’t like him. He is 14 years old. This is a big change for him. He went from one family to another (us) and we loved him and spoiled him and I was home with him all the time and he slept with me. Now, he is alone all day while HE goes to work. This has to be a shock on the poor dog. He is 14 years old! I feel guilty today. I know HE loves that dog. I know HE will take care of him. I also know it was the best decision for me. But, I seriously hope the dog can adjust to this. HE won’t get another dog to keep Petey company, I don’t think. Petey had a cat for company before. Now, he has nobody while HE is at work, and this wknd HE is going away. I don’t even want to think about it.

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After the dog yesterday, I got the car washed, then went to Walgreens and picked up my prescriptions. I also ordered myself some food from The Gluten Free Mall. I’ve found most of the stores I go to such as Mothers, Whole Foods, Sprouts, etc. seem to be further away now so it’s better to just have most things delivered. I like to do that anyway and not deal with the hassle of people and aisles and carts and lines, etc. Plus, this way everything I can eat is all in one place and easier to get without contamination.

Physically, I am doing a bit better this morning. I am planning on going to the lab and then getting coffee and Starbucks for breakfast.

He Gets The Dog and Other Animal Things

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Before we got married, HE had dogs and I had cats. We had cat and dog figurines on the wedding cake next to the Bride and Groom and cats and dogs going down the stairs from the top cake to the ground over a fountain; since we only had one Bridesmaid and one Groomsman.

Now we are separated. I slept solid last night after another sob fest. But, I woke up with a clear head and made a solid decision. HE can have his dog. Yes, I love that dog. Yes, I’ve cared for that dog. However, technically it is HIS dog. HE chose the dog. His friends gave us the dog. He has begged for visiting rights/privileges with the dog. Within the last week, I have finally gotten the dog to pee on the patio. PEE on the patio. That is only one part of his business. I used to sleep in until 9 and 10 because the dog had a dog door. I admit, I will miss the dog, but without him, I won’t have to make myself get dressed right away to take him for walks. I won’t have to force myself to stay up and dressed when I don’t want to in order to take him out for his last walk at 9:30 at night.

I spoke to HIM on the phone. HE said he may stay in the house now and can even put a dog door in the sliding glass door since he has already blocked in the other one. HE sounded happy about my decision. He also said he may just stay in the house now until Petey dies and when the 9 months end, he will probably just buy me a mobile home wherever I want.

I won’t tell you other things he said. I won’t tell you things that could take me out of La-La-Land should I choose to believe them. I won’t/can’t throw hope away even if HE wants me to head in that direction. It’s only been a week! Before you say it, I know, it’s probably been more then a week for him. But, it’s only been a week for me. I’m not prepared to accept it as over yet. Not completely. HE announced it a few weeks ago. Look how much changed in a few weeks. We’ve really hardly been a part. The sale is coming up in a few weeks. Couldn’t his feelings change after the sale, sometime? I NEED more then a week to accept even the thought of the possibility of this being final!

So, even though I told my dog I would not leave him. He is with his daddy. I’m sure he will adjust. Physically, the cat and I are adjusting already, and I am actually relieved of the burden.

Speaking of the cat. I am back to being the Crazy Cat Lady. I lived in a 4-Bedroom House where I had a large Coca-Cola collection and my library was my Cat Room. I’ve decided to decorate my apartment with Cat Things only. I kept one or two of my Coke things only because they are unique, but that is it. I have cat pictures, cat clocks, a cat ceiling pull, a cat rug, cat checks, even a cat license plate frame. I always used to say cats came before a man and if I found a man they would have to approve of each other. If I am/go back into the single life. That will stand again. It is Firepie and I alone now to face the world.

You know the license plate frame I should have gotten: “The More I Know of Men: The More I Love My Cat.” I think I’ll get a sign, or a t-shirt, or something. I know I have to watch my spending but that would really cheer me up. Maybe I’ll buy one thing and put other stuff on my Amazon List. Heck, my friends read this. Someone get me something with that saying, Please. My B-Day is in 6 months.

I think I may actually see what I can find and update my Amazon List now.
One of my favorite shirts just got ripped anyway and had to be thrown away.

Continuous Posting

I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

PETEY DID IT!!!

HE DID IT! Petey pee’d on the patio! This is a break through. I used a combination of things people were suggesting including taking him out for the last time around 9:30 and not leaving much water down for the rest of the night. I also left him out for an hour or so at a time a few times during the day while feeling guilty as he would only whine and lay down and look at me. But, this morning at 5, I woke up and put him out for a few knowing he had to go and went in the other room. When I got back, there was a big, fresh puddle on the patio. He did it! I was/am so proud. I immediately canceled the Dog Litter Box purchase. Having had a kidney transplant and being immuno-suppressed, I know it really isn’t good for my immune system to be cleaning litter boxes all the time, and I already deal with Firepie. Petey can do it and that is what matters.

As for yesterdays post, I sincerely hope HE doesn’t hate me now. I really hope HE understands my reasoning. I know HE can be impulsive. I really hope my requests for privacy (minus important communication) doesn’t backfire and make him step away further and quicker.

I also got to thinking, what if I can’t do this? Keep the boundaries, I have set. I’m sure we will be friendly to each other during the garage sale (whenever that may be) but other then that, it is hard to explain how much this rule I have made is killing me. Before we got married, we were friends.

It’s only been 6 days and I still (will I always?) think as his wife. I wonder if he has clean laundry. I wonder if his food supply is starting to run low. In my heart, I want to do his laundry and mine together when I drop off Petey tomorrow. But, I AM NOT DOING THAT! As a matter of fact, I am not even doing my laundry there. Which is another issue because I’m not sure I want to do it here either. They have nice laundry rooms but if I go to a nearby laundry mat, I could just stay there and read a book or watch t.v. until it is all done completely.

Today, I am planning on getting more boxes unpacked and putting my shower curtain rod and curtain up. I may not want to think of this place as home, but I still need to deal. I haven’t washed my hair in over a week, I’m avoiding doing laundry on the property because if I start doing laundry on the property I am admitting that I live here. (refer to above paragraph). I need to call and write some doctors and let them know what is going on soon too, and soon I need to get re-started on some of my medical procedures. Today, I also need to pay bills, buy stamps, and make sure Petey has a can of food to visit his dad this wknd.

I really hope this wknd won’t screw him up on his using the patio and HE remembers not to let Petey use the Dog Door.

Dog Communication

UGH! I had to speak to HIM directly because I was texted with advice per my post. HE is refusing to comment via WordPress because he does not know how and does not want to figure it out. But, HE knows how to solve everything. I know He only wants to help but.. HE forgets that before we got Petey; the people who had him before used to leave him outside all the time and just let him look in. Poor Petey probably thinks I am doing the same thing if I do it that way. However, I did try leaving Petey outside for an entire hour. Petey whined so much I felt guilty and thought someone would call animal control. When I suggested to HIM the idea of trying it in the side yard of the house while he has Petey this wknd if he thinks that’s a way of training Petey to use the cement; HE said, that won’t work, it will only work at my new place. It is cement only on the side of the house where the trash cans are. Therefor, it is another way of saying, he does not want responsibility for my problem. HE says the Dog Potty will only confuse Petey. But, unless HE is a dog, I don’t see how he can prove that one. Oh, wait, according to the Chinese Zodiac, HE is, because that coincides with his birth year.

Anyway, I informed HIM on the phone to be prepared of the future possibility of getting his dog back if I cannot train him.

I must say I am a bit angry and hurt that my feelings are not being respected when it comes to my blog. I nicely gave HIM the website so he can keep up. It really isn’t hard to create a user name. Hell, you can come up with any fictitious name you want and leave a comment under that name. Millions of people do it every day and he works with people that know how to read and write on blogs. I hate playing the angry, cold hearted Bitch but, I am angry and I am hurt and the more I talk and text to him, the more angry and hurt I feel. How many times do I need to have the wounds open? They will Never heal this way!

I believe HE misses me. I believe he cares for me. It’s only been 5? days. I know he cares for the dog. But, if he is ever going to really re-evaluate his love for me and if I am to sort myself out, we need to stop communication for a bit. NO texting, phone calls, etc. We need to have the Garage Sale soon. I do not suggest selling the house soon, as I think it best to wait on the dog issue now to get resolved, but my heart gets knotted up every time I hear his voice or read his text. So Yes, this is communication straight to HIM

PLEASE HAVE SOMEONE TEACH YOU WORDPRESS AND SIGN UP ANONYMOUSLY SO YOU CAN COMMENT! If that’s to much responsibility or to much of a hassle, have a friend who is on WordPress comment for you. Or, open a WordPress Account. But, please have respect and stop texting me. I LOVE YOU and I don’t want to read your texts.

I saw the Psychologist today. I want to see him at least once a week. I have homework to do this time. I have to write HIM a letter with my feelings but not give it to HIM. I always hate that because I always want to give it to the person. The Psych said to write it and we can talk later about whether or not to give it to him. Actually, it may not matter, I cover a lot of how I feel in WordPress. I don’t see the letter being much different other then really condensed.

*I want to add that I really want to throw up re-reading this post and my request to my husband. I just know in my heart it’s what we both Need. What I really want does not matter at the moment. He is not in love with me right now.

First Post From My New World

I’m writing this in the Business Office of my new apartment complex where we get free Wifi/computer while feeling sick to my stomach. The move was tough. I still want this to be like Oz and I want to wake up back to my marriage, back when my husband loved me and we were a couple and stable. There is no real explanation for any of it. It’s a nice complex and the animals are slowly adjusting.
Mind you, it’s only been two nights. Two nights of tears and physical and mental pain like I can’t believe.

Yesterday, I stopped at the house to get the last of it. He wasn’t supposed to see me but he did. He showed me a Humming Birds nest in the backyard and I started to cry, The Humming Bird actually sat on the nest with her babies. I won’t get to watch them hatch.

I can’t hang onto his 2% chance that he may find this the worst idea he ever made. This cannot be up to him. But, I love the man so damn much. He was supposed to be my soul mate for better or worse not for just 12 years.

My internet gets hooked up tomorrow so I will be back then.

New UnWanted Chapter Begins Today

Two weeks ago, I was a Housewife feeling a bit depressed over the fact that I was not going on my Anniversary trip to Vegas due to headache pain, however, knowing it was the best choice.

Today, I am signing the Lease for the apartment and entering it as my own for the first time.

Today, I am starting a new life chapter I never wanted to start.

I pray for strength as I go alone again.

*Computer will be unhooked tomorrow. May not be back until next week due to moving. May go to computer room, may not. Don’t worry, I will be back soon though. I really appreciate this blog.

Worst Day & One Day At A Time

I might ramble today, but I guess that’s okay. In my situation. I allow myself to babble if I have to.

What’s the worst day in your life so far? Is it a friend or relative dying?, Is it a tornado or natural disaster and losing everything?, Is it a car accident and becoming disabled?, Is it having your heart broken over and over again and finding out after 12 years that the one you married and gave your wedding vows to – the one you decided to finally trust and believe in: the one you took his hand in a public ceremony and swore in front of the world to Love, Honor, Cherish, in Sickness and Health until Death Due You Part has decided the stakes are to high and is giving up?

I never thought I would be in this position in my life. I tried so hard to be the good wife. I’m tired of hearing, “It’s not you, it’s me.” That doesn’t help. It has to be me as well if I could not keep him around.

I never used to get up at 6 or earlier every day..to pack boxes. I never used to cry so many tears and literally start to shake and sob and run to take a Xanax; because the man who I thought loved me made a comment that set me off again.

People say one day at a time and they are right. If I focus on the big picture, I start to freak.

Today. Today, I need to sort out the desk drawers in the office and finish the box in the kitchen. I can do that. I also need to make sure the Renter’s Insurance will be ready. I can do that.

Tomorrow, I will sign the Lease and get the keys. I can’t think about it. I really can’t think about the rest of the week yet. If I do that, I get headaches. I get scared.

He is talking about selling the house soon.

I planted a potato in the backyard not to long ago. It hasn’t started growing yet. I wonder if it will grow for the next person who moves in. If it does, I suppose it will be my gift to them.

“He’s Abandoned Me..Love Don’t Live Here Anymore”

I knew I was in trouble today when I started looking up Gluten-Free Alcohol on the internee. I don’t drink anymore due to all my meds and haven’t in over a year. So, instead I had another crying attack and took a Xanax. Every day. Every day, I need one Xanax. Just one. My one a day happy pill. If that’s a horrible addition, to bad. At this time, I need it. Sometimes, it gets terrible. Sometimes, I want God to take me away. Sometimes I want to wake up from this horrible, awful nightmare and I want my husband back.

We bought furniture today. We also bought a refrigerator. No, he bought furniture today and refrigerator that I picked out. Then, I went to Target and got more stuff. Moving is expensive. Over $800.00 today alone. Wednesday, I actually sign the lease, the change of address card has been put in, the utilities are scheduled to start, the moving truck and furniture delivery is scheduled for Friday. Furniture arrangement is being discussed, cable options are being looked into, every room in the house is being gone through meticulously. Keep this.. Sell this..This is his. My Nightmare Dream is getting closer.

The diarrhea continues, I’m getting nauseated, I eat on auto-pilot, I can hardly sleep. He says he doesn’t love me anymore. I want to shake him. “Do something! Love Me Again!” “Stop this Sh It! I don’t want to do this. I want to crawl into a ball and cry or die or sleep.

And, that’s the only excuse now. “I just don’t love you anymore. I told you we could live as friends, but you don’t want to do that.” NO! I don’t want to do that. This isn’t t.v. I don’t want a roommate situation. I want a husband and wife relationship. Most every time you run out of something.. you get a refill of the same thing but it sounds like the refills are up too.

Good-Night
I’ll be in touch soon.

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