No Pill Refill?

How the heck am I supposed to re-gain the weight I need to with diarrhea and headaches? The diarrhea is probably caused by stress I’ve been under (not like I’ve been under any.) I wonder if grief and loneliness can bring on diarrhea. I’m sure a change in eating habits can. But, I told you. I’m getting back on track to eating right or at least the right amount.

I’m fighting with the docs today over my headache meds. I take two headache medications. Both of which I am almost out of. They won’t fill one as long as I continue to fill the other one since they are both for Migraine. I am almost out of pills. Seriously. I can’t pay without insurance because the one generic is still $1250. Guess I’ll be taking something I am not supposed to off the store shelves for the next month until I can get a refill. This is ridiculous.

Losing Weight..Bad Way For Me

If you’re looking for a few ways to lose weight, I have some. Separate from your husband of 12 years unexpectedly. During that time, cry almost every day and don’t eat meals when you are supposed to. It won’t be hard because you won’t be hungry. Your body will give you headaches and other pains, you will take pills for that pain and if you aren’t moving things around or focusing on something like the television to take your mind off reality, your trying to sleep without dreaming; which only works with drugs. As time goes on; your clothes start to become loose.

Within the last four weeks, I have lost four pounds. Yesterday, I noticed how loose my clothes were becoming so I bought some candy realizing I need those extra calories throughout the day. I just got on the scale this morning. I know I need to start eating again at regular intervals, as well as snacking. I also know I need to start tracking my food again. Stress is terrible for everyone’s immune systems but mine especially because of my disease and kidney transplant.

It will be a solid month on Friday since this occurred. That means I will have 8 more months in this apartment. Friday will mark a solid month of tears and lack of sleep and wonder and pain of what went wrong in my 12 year marriage to a man who loved me (I thought and believed) when we walked down that wedding aisle and said his vows in front of all our friends and family. The same day I sang his favorite song to him at the wedding reception, “I’ll Always Love You.” by Olivia Newton-John.

I am supposed to be drinking one Ensure Plus every day for dietary purposes. I may up that to two for a bit. I need to gain weight. I don’t care if I am eating candy. I know I need to eat more. I cannot wither away and make myself sick. My cat needs me, if nobody else does. I do have friends that still care about me.

Today, I will start again to get back on track physically. I will eat even if I’m not hungry. I may even start tracking my food again. I can’t do this to myself. If I do this to myself and my body, I will have let him win and proved that he was right, that I NEED someone to take care of me. Which I Don’t. I just need to get my emotions in check and start taking care of myself again. As the weight comes off, reality hits and it ain’t a pretty picture!

First Day of Laughter Since My Hell

Bad News-Sick Today. Guess my body is telling me to slow down and my throat is telling me to stop talking. I only had one errand which will have to wait until tomorrow. My appointment wasn’t until the afternoon tomorrow so I can do todays plan tomorrow morning.

In good news- Yesterday was actually a decent day with laughter. I think it was the first day of mostly laughter. Went to Ruby’s Diner for lunch with a friend. I asked the guy who took our drink order if he had a Gluten-Free menu and first he asked what Gluten-Free meant. That’s a normal question, and in my case it means I can’t eat wheat, which I told him. But, then he asked “Why?” I got thrown off. “Why?” Who asks that? My friend was like, “IBS” and I added, “Yeah, Bowel Issues, Stomach Problems.” He said he was sorry as he just wanted to know and would get the server who knew more then he did. He was a young guy, probably straight out of high school; but my friend and I cracked up. “Why?” How about, because I woke up one day and thought it would be fun to bug people who work in restaurants with making orders complicated and figuring out what and if I can eat anything in your restaurant. Anyway, I wound up ordering a Veggie Sandwich on a Gluten Free Hamburger Bun and some Garlic Fries. The Garlic Fries did have some vegetable oil in them but since I’ve already had some stomach issues lately, it’s not like it’s much worse and the sandwich/bun thing was excellent. But the bun was so big I could hardly get my mouth around it. (Quiet, Celaine!). I haven’t eaten in a restaurant or that much food for so long, I could only eat half so the other half is in my refrigerator for today.

Then, last night, I got re-acquainted with an old friend from years ago. Suffice it to say, this is a person of whom we have had falling outs over and over again but our friendship has always picked up where its left off. Needless to say, we talked on the phone for over two hours last night catching up. Even though he lives a different lifestyle and has never been married, talking to him can really keep me grounded. Even with our falling outs, he has been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life, he is sort of like a brother to me. I know our conversation has a lot to do with my being sick today only because it probably didn’t help to talk until 2 a.m. on the phone but it’s okay. It was worth it in the end.

So, my friend from years ago is back in my life, My friend C. will come over another day, My errand from of today will be done tomorrow, I have lots of soup and stuff, Petey is not here so I don’t have to get dressed and can lay around all day. Today will be a recovery day so I can continue on tomorrow.

Watching A Hunger Show While Eating- So Wrong

Yesterday, I was watching a ‘Feed The Children.’ program and I got hungry, so I took a break and made dinner and ate it while watching the rest of the show. This seems like a sin. These shows are showing starving people in other countries but its talking about food, so it made me hungry. Plus, it showed rice. Seriously wrong, I know.

I wonder if I hadn’t been born sickly and if I didn’t have all these health issues..just what I might have been in the long run? I’ve always wondered if I could have been one of those people who worked and lived in one of those countries or in a Mission somewhere serving people in need. I could see myself living with or near the homeless and destitute, and offering food and clothing and hope.

Sometimes, I wonder what my purpose really is.

Today is Mother’s Day, My Mother-In-Law’s Birthday, and our 12th Anniversary!

My mother has been deceased for the last 3 years, and I think I’ve decided to pretty much stay away from the Facebook posts about Mother’s Day and the WordPress ones also. I called my Mother-In-Law and wished her a Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day, and as for my Anniversary; this is the first one a part.

Gluten Free Grass Balls

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This is very odd as I just wrote it all out and nothing showed up. Let me try again. I made what was supposed to be Cheddar Bay Biscuits but they turned into balls that did not rise after using Red Mill Gluten Free All Purpose Flour without Xanthum Gum. The batter tasted like grass which is why I called it the title I did. This was my breakfast.

I had also mentioned that we saw ‘Scary Movie V’ tonight and unless you have seen the movie ‘Mama’; I suggest you see that first before seeing ‘Scary Movie V’. It seemed as if ‘Mama’ was the main movie, ‘Scary Movie V’ seemed to make fun of this time.

I guess I get tired of Hollywood and their re-makes. It seems as if they are running out of new material.

Yes, I know ‘Scary Movie’ is not a re-make of ‘Mama’ but it may as well have been.

Spam Types

When I was much younger (before I became a Flexitarian) I used to like SPAM.  My mother would mix it with mayo and put it in sandwiches for my lunch at school.  I also used to bring Avocado and Mayo with Cream-Cheese and maybe some Walnuts.  I still like those sandwiches.  Needless to say, nobody wanted to trade lunches with me.    Anyway, Now that I know the ingredients of SPAM or enough about it, I definitely don’t eat it anymore.  My father used to eat a lot of it while on the ship when in the Marine Corps and called it S _ _ t- on a Shingle.  One more positive on Spam though was the Dr. Demento song.  If I knew how and could find it, I would post it for you.  But I’m not that technologically advanced .

But: this brings me to today’s blog  topic:

Not the canned SPAM I’ve been talking about: but the SPAM comments I and everyone else who has a blog receives.  Good Gravy, some are just ridiculous.  “Your writing is amazing.  I’ve been looking for it for a long time.  It is just what I was looking for.  I will keep follow.”  What?  You were looking for a post about pain and headaches?  That’s amazing writing to you.  You obviously don’t read much.  You will keep follow.  You don’t write much either.  Please don’t keep follow.  Nope..Your deleted.  Next.

“My brother told me to see your website and I am glad he did.  I will be new Follower.”  This almost sounded legit the first time.  Apparently, peoples brothers are really passing the word around.  However, without further info, I am not impressed.  So sorry, but I don’t trust you or your brother.  Delete…Next

“We have started a small group of writers to write topics like you.  If you would like to join us, please click this link.”  No, No, I am not clicking your link nor joining your probably spammy, non-legit group.  Delete.  One more.

“Click my pics”  Naked Chics.com  Delete! Delete! Delete!  No explanation needed.

Moving To Mobile??

What a nice wknd.  My husband took yesterday off also.  We went to the local zoo, we got our taxes done and we went to Spaghetti Factory.  The last time we went there, I almost thought I wouldn’t go back  because with the gluten-free noodles they use; my dish was really dry..the Brown Butter/Mizithra just did not stick to them at all.  But this time, I talked to the waiter who suggested extra Brown-Butter and I am so back!  It was delicious again.  I do wish restaurants would use the gluten-free Spaghetti or Angel Hair verses the Penne pasta sometimes, but I’m guessing the Penne is cheaper for the restaurant business.

We also looked at a mobile home and my husband even let me give the realtor my card and told him the price range we would consider.  Yes, I am trying to talk him into moving to a moble home park.  We have talked many times of retiring at Leisure World when I am 55 but that is not for 7 more years.  Here’s the thing; if you’ve been reading my blog, you know I have a lot of medical/health issues.  I also am and enjoy being a recluse (but that’s another story) and I don’t get out much.  I really like the idea of being in a community atmosphere with a pool and more people around and maybe even a few activities once in a while.  Who knows?  I may even meet some friends.  I like the idea of walking around the community (within its walls) and feeling safe and close to home.  It may get me out of the house a little bit more which would be good for me.  Plus, I like to think it would be smaller then our house.  While my husband disputes that last sentence because he says most of the mobile-homes we have seen have more square footage, they feel more compact to me in how they are situated.  We would probably go from a four bedroom to a three and it would just feel smaller, plus, the space rent, after paying the house in full, would be low enough, to continue to be covered by whatever I get, should anything happen to my husband first, God Forbid.   We would probably only live in the mobile home park for the next 7 years or so until I am of age to go to Leisure World.

Back to the health reasons though, I want to live in this type community while I am able to enjoy it.  With my health problems and the fact that my kidney transplant won’t last forever; I am afraid in or around 7 years; I may be on the transplant waiting list or something and usually your health doesn’t get better as you get older; it gets worse.

Living in Orange County, there haven’t been to many stories of mobile homes having been blown over in wild weather, burned down in fires, or even knocked down by Earthquakes.  Yes, it could happen but I suppose the same could happen in my house.  I cannot live in fear of natural catastrophes all my life.  God is in control on those things.

My Strange Addiction

No, this is not about the television show and no, I am not going on it and telling a relative or a friend.  Yes, a relative and a friend will read this post, I’m sure.  No, I am not going to see some doctor so they can check my levels and say “Well, if you keep doing this, you could clog up your arteries or your blood cholesterol could get all high” or whatever.  But this is my personal, strange addiction.  Do you have one?

I love Butter!  When I was young, my mother used to constantly catch me with my fingers in the butter.  And, it doesn’t have to be Butter.  Margarine does well too.  I am learning which ones taste better than others.  For example:  Country Crock tastes like a Salt Lick (not that I’ve tasted one of those) but I swear it tastes of pure salt, whereas Whipped Butter which is made of Cream and Salt has a yogurt type consistency and has the salty undertone but is mainly cream and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is really good.

Before you get grossed out at the thought of coming to my house for dinner; I want you to know we have two containers of Butter or Margarine.  One for me and one for my husband/guests.  No, not because I like to put my fingers in it..actually, I’ve grown up a bit now.  If I catch myself doing that; I go back over it with a spoon to fix the contamination.  Yes, I still eat separate spoonfuls of Butter or Margarine which I don’t add to my diet record.  Shhh.  My secret.  And my cholesterol levels are fine. Thank You. Probably because most of the Margarine I use has No Cholesterol.  I have two tubs of Butter or Margarine because certain types of Margarine have been bothering my stomach and being gluten-free; I am starting to buy my own type just for me.   I do need to start buying unsalted Butter or Margarine if I can find it.  Maybe the margarine with Canola Oil would be better since I don’t want another kidney stone.

The point is that if there were a contest for eating a stick or a small container of Butter or Margarine (choice of the contestant)  in say half hour or 20 minutes for like MONEY! I believe, I would WIN!!  That’s how much I love Butter.  And, I would not get sick.

One Day Healthy= 2 Days Sickly

Okay, so I’ve been sick for two days which does and doesn’t surprise me.  With my health for every one day of exciting activity, I get 2 or more days of sickness.  Cedars called and said my infusions are delayed due  to insurance reasons.  That’s not a surprise either.  I do think I am going to get dressed and go to Von’s today though even if I am sick.  I am totally craving an apple.  I think they also have gluten-free Cous-Cous and I need more bread.  I’ll just get some basics and hold off on Whole Foods until tomorrow or Thursday.  I totally need to make a run to Whole Foods soon because they have everything.

Crazy Casino Trip

Yesterday, I went on my first bus trip to a casino with a friend.  Let’s just call the friend Amy.  The bus trip company or casino company gave us $10.00 in free slot play on the casino card, however, it also cost $10.00 to ride the bus.  We got 3 1/2 hours at the casino despite the fact that the ad stated 5 hours.

Anyway, I knew Amy; was slow because  she has had many previous problems in the past, plus, within the past year she has survived a coma or brain aneurism.  However, I did not know how many problems she was dealing with.  I think she wants/tries to be independent but she really isn’t and should not be left alone to often.

She had severe freak-outs; – when they forgot to give me a badge when we got on the bus (you need a group badge to get on and off the bus), when they took her Driver’s License before going to another room to wait for her name to be called for a club players card, when we were on the way home and she thought we were at our exit but we weren’t and she was practically insisting we needed to get off the bus because “There is a chicken place here and there was a chicken place where we got picked up.” She got annoyed with me when I got a little disoriented on where things were once or twice because I had forgotten we had to go to a different building and had a question about my club card, she had brought a big purse instead of a fanny pack but it turned out to be to heavy for her to carry around so she kept leaving it and walking away  so I was constantly keeping it with me or worrying about it getting stolen, she spent almost her entire budget within the first half hour on a nickel machine because she insisted on playing around 80 cents; despite th fact I told her and even set the machine up for her to play a dime,  (she was broke by dinner so I bought for both of us) she would wandered away and  forgot where I was and supposedly had me paged, but I didn’t hear the page because I am hard of hearing.  Plus, I could not call nor could she call me because I had her purse with her phone in it but eventually she did find me again so we quickly got dinner and ate it on the bus.

Then, after getting dinner, I had to call the restaurant because although the menu said it was stuffed crab with shrimp; it did not say it was fried.  I called to ask what type of oil they fried it in; the restaurant guy said Canola. But, I am wondering since my body had a yucky accident while sleeping last night.  Also,  while at one machine; a lady sat at the machine next to mine and decided to light a cigarette and blow and wave the smoke directly in my face.  I immediately cashed out, since I am not a smoker and the smoke really is not good for me; but I could totally tell it was deliberate and when I stood up; I looked at her and she had the nerve to smile at me.

I said a prayer and took my and Amy’s things to a table nearby to wait for Amy and I watched as the stupid, bitch..I mean lady..I mean woman used the machine for maybe 5 or 10 minutes before leaving.  If I weren’t a Christian; I’m sure I could have said a lot and I really wanted to comment on how rude that was but I was already stressing over Amy and wherever she was and having visions of abductions or whatever because you hear a lot about that nowadays.  I had enough to worry about then getting in a fight in the casino with some stupid, rude, stranger.

Before we had gone; my husband had mentioned the idea of Amy and I going once a month on the bus trip and maybe trying different casino’s.  Unfortunately, Amy has already latched on to the idea and she even came over today and thanked me for yesterday and said she had fun and maybe we can go somewhere else next.

I think I am going by myself next time.  I may go again with her but I would much prefer someone else with us.  My husband says to give her another chance but, it would have to be the same place and with her memory and how she spends her money; I don’t know.  Maybe, we can get her mother to join us and then I won’t feel like I am stressed out and playing Babysitter.   Right now, I am trying to deter her and mentioning going to the mall, or back to the vintage store, or the restaurant or even just clearing off my pool table so we can play pool soon.  I don’t mind hanging out with Amy, but considering the situation; 3 and a half hours turned out to be a blessing this time.

Amy is 8 months older than I, by the way.