I Wonder How Long Until Happiness Sets In

It’s been three weeks, as of yesterday. I don’t post every day because my days fade into each other. I watch t.v., I write letters, I call people, I play with the cat, I do the normal activities I have to..like eat, etc. I play games on Facebook, I still cry.

I’m done unpacking. I don’t want to do it anymore. There’s one more box that may have more towels although its marked Halloween. I’m missing some towels. I remember buying them. Or, maybe not. I’m not thinking straight. I keep putting stuff down and forgetting where it is. Sometimes, after being on the computer for a long time, I forget where I am and I think I’m at home..the other house..in the old kitchen and I’m surprised when I look to my left and I don’t see the kitchen table or the garage door. Then, my mind is back.

I still get headaches, I’m still not sleeping like I want to. Last night, I fell asleep while talking to a friend on the phone. That was rude. Luckily, he understands. He, yeah, it’s okay though. He is my best friend. The one I told you about. The one I got re-connected with.

I’ve seen the Psychologist twice but that didn’t work. He kept agreeing with me. Anything I said, he said, “Uh-Huh”, It’s good to feel that way”, “You’re right” He made me talk for the whole 45 minutes. What a waste. I could talk on the phone or to the cat for 45 minutes. I don’t need him. If I need to pay someone, I’ll get a Therapist, not a Psychologist. The last Therapist I had was nice but she was overly-religious and talked about herself all the time when she wasn’t preaching about God.

The manager introduced me to a lady who lives in the complex. A single lady with a cat. I got brave and knocked on her door yesterday, but she wasn’t home. Maybe some day we can drown our sorrows, or at least share our stories over a cup of tea. Guess I’m not the only Cat Lady in the complex.

A stupid guy who I thought was a friend tried to hit on me and wanted to spend the night. I got really pissed off! How dare men take advantage of this situation! First of all, I am separated, not divorced and from a Christian standpoint (which I and supposedly this man was) that is not moral and is considered Adultery. Secondly, I have so much emotion around me right now; I am so sad and angry about having been abandoned like this. I have already bought a shirt that says, “The More I Meet Of Men, The More I Like My Cat.” The last thing I need right now is another man coming into my life messing me up. I need supportive friends. “Friends” can be male or female. Needless to say, that guy and I had some serious words and he is OUT! Off of Facebook, Out! I did tell him I would continue as acquaintances but I don’t think that is going to work either. But wait, are your enemies still your acquaintances?

I wonder what HE does with his time, when not getting the house fixed up by his uncle. Wknds are when we used to go for drives with the dog and laugh over t.v. shows which I can hardly watch in full anymore without crying. I wonder if HE and the dog watch those same t.v. shows in full and he can laugh at them as normal without missing those weird comments I used to make. I wonder if HE eats anything healthy other then Bananas. I wonder if we really could be “friends” as HE wants to..months in the future. I wonder how my life spun out of control the way it did and if I will ever be happy again.

The Legacy We Leave Behind

When you die, what do you want to be remembered for?  Will your words and deeds matter in the end?  I’ve written a Children’s Book which is at least something tangible to hold onto and maybe even to be passed down.  Perhaps, I will even finish the novel/ true story I am working on as well.  But, aside from that, will my family remember me as being the sick one with all the health problems?  Will they and my friends also remember me as being the generous one who helped out others in time of need?  Will my memory fade quickly as time passes and only come up once in a while such as when others pass or when you hear one of my favorite karaoke songs “Bunny would have liked that.” (No, not my real name. but one you can use on this site.)

I think of this today because my friends mother passed away quickly from an illness.

I think of my mother and what we remember of her.  I wonder how much our family holds on to or wants to hold on to in the future about her.  I found some notes from when I had asked her about her life that I had taken in 1999.  I learned about her birth and a bit about her growing up.  I also learned about a man she dated before my father.

My prayers go out to my friend and his family today as they have the funeral service for his mother.

I know we don’t live this life for others, but I do hope I leave some sort of good impact on the ones I leave behind when that occurs.

 

Friends & Recluses

There are two types of people in this world, I’ve discovered: (probably more)

The ones who divulge absolutely nothing about their lives unless you are talking or seeing them in person or unless you ask tons of questions to pull it out of them, and the others who share everything so you can rejoice when they are happy and sympathize/cry with them when they are sad.   I belong to the 2nd set.  Sometimes, I think I talk to much, however, I like my friends to be informed as to what is going on.  Most of my friends (and my husband) belong to the first set, which gets hard.

A friend’s sister has been keeping everyone updated via Facebook about her/his mother being in hospital.  Their mother just died a few days ago.  I have left numerous messages with him and he has not even called me.  I have sent him a personal sympathy gift and I am also sending some flowers to the church.  However, I must say his Not contacting me is a bit of a surprise especially after leaving messages.  It also hurts a bit.  I know he has a lot of family, but still.

I have had situations with other friends who have had important situations occur and did not bother to contact me.  Yet, I would get a hold of them as soon as possible should the same thing occur with me.

I remember my therapist saying I expected to much from people.  I guess when you only have 5 or so friends that you consider “close”, you kind of want them to  share the most important things in their lives with you.  At least I do.

I start to wonder if maybe it is because I do not live close enough to see them as often as we  like, or maybe it is because I am sick all the time  Or maybe, it is because I care to much and I need to stop caring so much for others.

Maybe this is one reason I am turning into a Recluse in a way,  and liking it more and more with my computer friends..indoors

Back To School #8

I made my husband dinner yesterday which he found to be average so I had to try a tiny potato with sauce while knowing full well it was probably going to bother me.  Needless to say, I woke up with a terrible headache and stomach issues.  Oh well, my fault.  I know to stay gluten-free.   I think my husbands main problem is actually the fact that he believes I should not change a recipe.  He doesn’t cook yet believes you need to cook a recipe  by the book every time.  I mentioned I tweaked the recipe and I seriously think in his mind he immediately found something wrong with it.  Even though, I told him I used more Sausage and stuff to make it better for him.

And now to Back To School #8-

I mentioned in a previous post that I don’t go around slapping slow people.  Actually, I alway’s made friends with the Underdogs.  Here are a few examples:

In elementary  while playing in the yard, I saw a girl by herself way in the back so I ran over there and asked her if she wanted to play.  She said, “You don’t want to play with me because I’m fat.”  I said, “I’m skinny, so what?”  Then she said, “Well, I’m Jewish.”  and I said, “So, I’m Catholic. Do you want to play or not?”  Needless to say, we became friends for a while.  Our friendship did not end over our religions or our body types.

There was a boy in one of my classes that got picked on all the time.  At first I felt sorry for him.  The other students went so far as to put rubber bands under his desk (which were forbidden) so he would get kicked out of class and a few girls I know egged him on to show them his penis so he would get kicked out of school.  This was in 6th grade.  (Times were different then.  Things were more innocent and not as strict or menacing as now.)  I made friends with this boy and we have been friends ever since.  I didn’t know his home life but figured he needed a positive person to help him out.

Another boy was Roy (no, not his real name.)  Roy really wanted to learn about sex.  Sex education at school wasn’t much so he brought books to school to read and the other students made fun of him. I remember one was called, “The Woman’s Body.”  Honestly, I thought it was very brave to read and learn about it.  However:  one day he asked me this, “Would you ever take your clothes off in front of me?”  I was shocked, I was like, “Roy, NO!”  He goes, “I wouldn’t touch anything.  I just want to look.” I said, “No Roy, I can’t do that.” and he asked, “Why not?  I thought we were friends.”  I tried to explain that we are but friends don’t do that.  It’s a different type friendship level.  He needs someone like a girlfriend that he is in a relationship with.

True Friends

So today I want to talk about Friends.

How many friends do you have on Facebook?

Now, if you didn’t have Facebook..how many friends would you actually have?

I can count my True Friends on one hand. Okay, maybe some fingers on the 2nd hand.too.  Some would say this is very sad but it is not the quantity of friends that makes the difference but the quality.

Friendship is extremely important to me and sometimes I wonder if I show my friends just how much they really mean to me.  I don’t drive much and most don’t live close; so I have to do so by listening and understanding as often as I can when we communicate.

My Therapist said I expect to much from my friends which is a comment that has bugged me for a long time. This is just not true.  I would say it used to be that I wanted friends so much that I trusted everyone with all my feelings in hopes that we could become friends and they would like me and accept me.

However, with the ones I have now; I only expect what I would be willing to do in return.  Listen, Share, Show up on time or call if late when planning time out, don’t “forget” when planning time out or saying you will call back.  I still get a bit sensitive when I believe we are close and discover big news has been shared with others before me or you “forgot” to call or show up.  How does one “forget” a friend?  Am I not that important that you cannot pick up the phone to say, “I’m sorry, I cannot make it or I’m running late. “Obviously, things happen but “I Forgot!”

I know some people are put in your life for only so long to pass through..maybe to help you learn something or maybe to help you teach them something.  For those, I hope I’ve made a positive difference.

As for the current, close friends that may be following this Blog.  I am proud to call you My Friend and hope we remain so for long time.

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