UnHappy Month Anniverary

Today marks a month since the start of my Hell! Wait, that’s not true. Hell, actually started on the 13th but that was when the shock hit, I was moving today last month. Today is the exact day a month ago that I started on my own. The first night I cried my eyes out.in shock and despair over the changes in my life.

Let’s discuss Anniversaries first, shall we? Most Anniversaries are happy, joyous occasions. Like, the day you met, or how many dates you’ve been on, or how many years you have been married. They are celebrated making happy memories together with dinners and joy while spending time with the one you love.
Then, there are the sad Anniversaries, remembering those who have died. People go to visit gravesides then or maybe they go through old pictures, say prayers, eat a certain food in their memory. (Snickers, for dad) etc.

But, This Anniversary does not fit the profile. We will NOT spend it together. I may take myself to buy something but it would be out of the necessity of needing shorts, not to celebrate anything or because I am going anywhere. I may take myself to dinner, but only because I got a flyer about a restaurant nearby that has Garlic Tofu that sounds really good and I can probably eat it. (I’ll have to check what they have that is gluten-free). HE hasn’t died so I could not visit a grave site even if I wanted to..(which I probably wouldn’t anyway, because I have a hard time visiting people graves).

Oh Yes, Last night, I did cry. Almost to the point of needing a Xanax. I cried for what was. I cried for the husband I married who I believed loved me then. I cried for what is, the cards I have been dealt in my life, and the life I am living now. I cried because I miss my dog who used to lick me all the time and roll in my clean laundry. I miss my life that was stable and calm. I cried until I fell asleep.

But in good news, I slept until almost 10 o’clock this morning, which I haven’t done in a long time.

I hope HE reads this one today.
I hope HE thinks of me sometimes and how unhappy I am.

HAPPY MONTH ANNIVERSARY, if you do.
I hope you feel miserable and guilty for what you have done to your wife who has loved you all those years.

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No Pill Refill?

How the heck am I supposed to re-gain the weight I need to with diarrhea and headaches? The diarrhea is probably caused by stress I’ve been under (not like I’ve been under any.) I wonder if grief and loneliness can bring on diarrhea. I’m sure a change in eating habits can. But, I told you. I’m getting back on track to eating right or at least the right amount.

I’m fighting with the docs today over my headache meds. I take two headache medications. Both of which I am almost out of. They won’t fill one as long as I continue to fill the other one since they are both for Migraine. I am almost out of pills. Seriously. I can’t pay without insurance because the one generic is still $1250. Guess I’ll be taking something I am not supposed to off the store shelves for the next month until I can get a refill. This is ridiculous.

I Wonder How Long Until Happiness Sets In

It’s been three weeks, as of yesterday. I don’t post every day because my days fade into each other. I watch t.v., I write letters, I call people, I play with the cat, I do the normal activities I have to..like eat, etc. I play games on Facebook, I still cry.

I’m done unpacking. I don’t want to do it anymore. There’s one more box that may have more towels although its marked Halloween. I’m missing some towels. I remember buying them. Or, maybe not. I’m not thinking straight. I keep putting stuff down and forgetting where it is. Sometimes, after being on the computer for a long time, I forget where I am and I think I’m at home..the other house..in the old kitchen and I’m surprised when I look to my left and I don’t see the kitchen table or the garage door. Then, my mind is back.

I still get headaches, I’m still not sleeping like I want to. Last night, I fell asleep while talking to a friend on the phone. That was rude. Luckily, he understands. He, yeah, it’s okay though. He is my best friend. The one I told you about. The one I got re-connected with.

I’ve seen the Psychologist twice but that didn’t work. He kept agreeing with me. Anything I said, he said, “Uh-Huh”, It’s good to feel that way”, “You’re right” He made me talk for the whole 45 minutes. What a waste. I could talk on the phone or to the cat for 45 minutes. I don’t need him. If I need to pay someone, I’ll get a Therapist, not a Psychologist. The last Therapist I had was nice but she was overly-religious and talked about herself all the time when she wasn’t preaching about God.

The manager introduced me to a lady who lives in the complex. A single lady with a cat. I got brave and knocked on her door yesterday, but she wasn’t home. Maybe some day we can drown our sorrows, or at least share our stories over a cup of tea. Guess I’m not the only Cat Lady in the complex.

A stupid guy who I thought was a friend tried to hit on me and wanted to spend the night. I got really pissed off! How dare men take advantage of this situation! First of all, I am separated, not divorced and from a Christian standpoint (which I and supposedly this man was) that is not moral and is considered Adultery. Secondly, I have so much emotion around me right now; I am so sad and angry about having been abandoned like this. I have already bought a shirt that says, “The More I Meet Of Men, The More I Like My Cat.” The last thing I need right now is another man coming into my life messing me up. I need supportive friends. “Friends” can be male or female. Needless to say, that guy and I had some serious words and he is OUT! Off of Facebook, Out! I did tell him I would continue as acquaintances but I don’t think that is going to work either. But wait, are your enemies still your acquaintances?

I wonder what HE does with his time, when not getting the house fixed up by his uncle. Wknds are when we used to go for drives with the dog and laugh over t.v. shows which I can hardly watch in full anymore without crying. I wonder if HE and the dog watch those same t.v. shows in full and he can laugh at them as normal without missing those weird comments I used to make. I wonder if HE eats anything healthy other then Bananas. I wonder if we really could be “friends” as HE wants to..months in the future. I wonder how my life spun out of control the way it did and if I will ever be happy again.

Everything Is Going Away

Wasn’t it just Tuesday morning that I called HIM and canceled the garage sale? Imagine my surprise when I showed up to the house yesterday to discover almost the entire garage cleared out. That’s right. My Coca-Cola Collection was still there as HE knew I was coming to pick that up, but very little else. I had expected to see it and go through it one last time and decide what to share with whom. I have a few neighbors I wanted to give things to; but most was already gone. Talk about a shock to the system. I know HE likes to get things done but that was way to fast, in my opinion. And emotional? You bet.

To add to the emotion for the day, the bedroom set has been sold. I knew HE was going to sell it and I did get half the money for it. Money is not the issue. But, the empty room! The memories of laying in my comfortable bed with my cat AND dog curled next to me. I could just cry! (and I definitely have/did/am/will). In the early days, laying next to him in that bed and watching t.v. together.complaining because HE gassed to much. It was a really, pretty black, lacquer bedroom set and I remember HIM saying it was great that we had the same taste in furniture. The memories are amusing but the whole situation is so very, painful. I guess I’m glad I wasn’t there to watch that bedroom set go. I hope whoever bought it makes beautiful memories on/with it.

There are more things to be sold coming up. I know some will not bother me as much but there are memories with each. Luckily, I won’t be there to see them. The backyard Spa which was awesome to have but I didn’t use very often after we got a Jacuzzi Tub. HE did, and I used to tease him about going naked in the Spa. “Oooh-La-La! Naked Man Alert!” Of course, that was at night when it was dark. We lived in a good neighborhood and it wasn’t like someone would peek over the fence. HE should just sell the Spa as part of the house..even if it is above ground. There is also the Pool- Table which was more something he wanted. It was fun, at first. But, it’s one of those things where you should probably have lots of friends or parties in order to enjoy it often. So, it became more of a storage table for our garage. We should get some money for it though. It is in good condition.

Then, there is the house, itself. Oh My Gosh, I don’t want to talk about that now. That’s when our lives together have completely ended, I guess. Even though I know (although there really isn’t any) if that 2% chance snuck in, it wouldn’t matter where we lived, it’s hard to see the house where you once loved each other (even if he only loved me for two years..whatever) go to someone else.

Thoughts of Men, Water, and Direction

Yesterday was Father’s Day. I chose not to dwell on that or even think about it really. My Father has been gone since 1995 and God wonders what he would think about this situation I’m in. I used to tell HIM how proud my Father would be that HE was such a good man and so good to me. My father would be so disappointed.

I thought about the men in my life. I haven’t had a lot of positive encounters with men. My brother means well but we are a generation a part and were not raised in the same time period. Our thought processes are much different.

I can’t compare relationships other then to say, they obviously did not work out for one reason or another..most in heartache brought on by the man and my reactions. And now this..

I bought some new water recently. I need to keep drinking a lot of water with my kidney issues, if I want the kidney to continue working correctly. This time I bought Mineral Water, which I love. I wonder if the changing of water type and taste will change the taste of my own tears; at least the salt content? Guess I will find out.

I can finally see the counter in the bathroom as I organize this place. So, that is saying something semi-positive, I guess. Or, at least I can say I am moving in the right direction.

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