Time Ticks Slowly

Everyone says; “you need to get out and go places, see friends, etc” but it’s not that simple. Example: I was invited to a party for the 4th of July. I could/did not go to said party for a few reasons. I live to far away from the friends that had it and I could not leave my dog alone (even with the cat) without a dog door in the apartment. Also, he is afraid of Fireworks. Despite it being a warm night, I closed the slider and turned on fans and we watched movies. I was surprised as, living closer to Disneyland, the fireworks were muffled and not half as bad as expected. As for everyone’s advice, sometimes I wish they lived in my shoes for a while; and while I know some of you have been through the same or close to the same situations, it is NOT the same. It is NEVER the same. You are not me and never will be. You were not married to the same man.

I don’t know how much longer I will beat myself up with how much I loved this man. Although a bit selfish, HE seemed so kind and almost perfect from the time we met. Heck, his family described him all the time as being perfect. He could do no wrong. I was shocked when he actually made a U-turn at a No-U-Turn Sign and went Illegal Street Racing.

He cared for me enough to keep me alive with a Kidney Donation. (Why is that, if you really don’t love the person anymore?), he would go to restaurants at times that he didn’t want to since I am gluten-free and he would go out of his way to pick up MY food when I could not eat what he did.

Of course, those were things one does during a marriage.

I miss his witty humor, I miss touching him, I miss singing karaoke songs to him in the restaurant and embarrassing him since it was so easy to do. (he hates surprises and getting embarrassed). I miss being a wife and caring for the one I loved.

There is a saying about time healing all wounds, but I just don’t know.

Our Freedom-My Freedom

Happy 4th of July. Today marks a celebration of Freedom. A different type of Freedom.

Not the type of freedom I am experiencing in my life. Not the freedom of being alone unwillingly, thrust upon me, unexpectedly, suddenly. Oh yes, my fur-children are here, but other than that, I am alone.

Alone to remember the words HE said to me:

“I will never leave you.”, “I will not abandon you.”, “I am not like the others.”, “I would never and have never cheated on you.” “I have always been honest with you.”, “Trust me.”
“I love You.”

At our wedding reception, I sang his favorite song to him: ‘I Honestly Love You’ by Olivia Newton John. Now, here are songs I would like to sing. Forgive me, if I don’t know the titles, I will write some of the song lines,

“Don’t Go Breakin My Heart”, “You’ve Abandoned Me, Love Don’t Live Here Anymore,” “All Cried Out”, “Who Are You?” “Please, Don’t Leave Me This Way?” “It’s A Heartache”. and many more along that line.

Then, on the other end of the spectrum, we have the anger songs. I am so, so angry and hurt at what he has done to me. So, I get through on songs like these:
“If Looks Could Kill”, “Used To Love Her”, Bitch”, “You Oughta Know”, “Jamie’s Got A Gun”, “Your Fu_ _n Crazy”, “Love Stinks”.

and one of my personal favorites,

    “The Bitch Is Back.”

Unfortunately, there are less songs of this nature then the others above.

Watching A Hunger Show While Eating- So Wrong

Yesterday, I was watching a ‘Feed The Children.’ program and I got hungry, so I took a break and made dinner and ate it while watching the rest of the show. This seems like a sin. These shows are showing starving people in other countries but its talking about food, so it made me hungry. Plus, it showed rice. Seriously wrong, I know.

I wonder if I hadn’t been born sickly and if I didn’t have all these health issues..just what I might have been in the long run? I’ve always wondered if I could have been one of those people who worked and lived in one of those countries or in a Mission somewhere serving people in need. I could see myself living with or near the homeless and destitute, and offering food and clothing and hope.

Sometimes, I wonder what my purpose really is.

Today is Mother’s Day, My Mother-In-Law’s Birthday, and our 12th Anniversary!

My mother has been deceased for the last 3 years, and I think I’ve decided to pretty much stay away from the Facebook posts about Mother’s Day and the WordPress ones also. I called my Mother-In-Law and wished her a Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day, and as for my Anniversary; this is the first one a part.

My Giving Addiction.

I can hardly believe it’s almost June which means the year is half over and I have hardly started Christmas shopping. According to my calculations (which I just did) I need to buy 4 gifts each month to keep up with my list. Even on disability, this should not be to hard as I don’t pick the most expensive of gifts. So, yesterday, I had fun going through one of my many gift catalogs and finding things for my husbands’ and my family. I actually enjoy picking things that I think they might like.

My gift-giving list has gone down from the past because people pass away, friendships are lost and some relatives tell me not to give to them.

Here’s the thing. If you know someone like me who Loves to give where giving means the world to them,(for whatever reason) it is really an insult for you to tell them not to give to you anymore. Honestly, it feels like a slap in the face; almost as if you don’t want me to care.
It does not matter if you like the gifts received, I do not go to your house and ask what you have done with them or where you have put them or why you aren’t using them, or whatever.

It is simply that you are taking my joy of caring away from me toward one more person; thereby diminishing the joy I get in choosing and giving a gift.

Unlike most, I love giving…especially at holidays. I think it my obsession, compulsion, addiction. It does not cause problems for me financially and I don’t see why it causes problems for the receiver. You are welcome to donate the gift, sell it, give it away, whatever, if it is not something you desire. However, don’t tell me.

I have one friend that gives things that are used. The thing with that is, she will announce before-hand that they were used and she either didn’t want it or didn’t like it, etc. so she gives it to me. I do find that a bit tacky because when it comes to re-gifting; I do not believe you shod announce the fact a head of time. She will also ask later on, what I did with the gift received. This puts me in a tough position because I don’t keep a lot of what she gives me. I do not lie to her, however, I do feel a bit bad when I tell her I donated something she gave me.

I do believe before you give something; you should know something about the persons interests (unless it is a neighbor..in which case, that can be tough) and go on that. You usually cannot go wrong with a favorite animal, favorite color or gift card. Of course, gift cards are iffy because it’s good to know where they shop.

Anyway, this blog post started with Christmas Shopping and somehow diverted. I get hurt sometimes when a homeless person turns me down after I offer a bag filled with clothing, soap, food, etc. If you are really homeless; why wouldn’t you accept that?

I think I’ve concluded I definitely have a Giving Addiction which is not a bad addiction to have.

Mother’s Day For Child-Free, but, Animal Mother’s.

As an animal mother only, Mother’s Day is not celebrated for people like me. It doesn’t seem quite fair. We may not have given birth to a cat, dog, horse, hamster, rabbit, snake, etc. however, we may have saved it’s life from a shelter or no matter how we attained the animal; we are still raising them. I am talking about the women who take the time to take their animals to the vet and keep their shots updated, the ones who clean up after the animals when they barf all over the house, the ones who walk the dogs as often as needed or pick up the yard because if we didn’t, it would be overrun which wouldn’t be good for the animal or the neighborhood. Animals give us unconditional love and some of us only have animal-children, therefor, don’t you think we, also, should be celebrated on Mother’s Day?

I bought myself a Mother’s Day gift this year. I bought myself an Obama Countdown Clock. A funny, practical gift that I usually would not think to get however, even having put it on my Amazon WishList; I just had a feeling, nobody would get it. (This post is not turning into a political post. That is not the topic today so please don’t go there.)

Also, onto the subject of gifts, remember I said I am a giver? Well, I don’t know why but I don’t think you will find anyone else like me around. If you are sick, I will probably send you something. If your animal dies, you may receive a present to cheer you up. I don’t usually forget Birthdays or Christmas either. I don’t know why it is. I think it may be to make up for the fact that I am sick so often and don’t see people, plus, I just love to give and if I can afford it; Why not? It doesn’t hurt anyone and I just imagine the look on the faces of my friends and relatives when those boxes arrive in the mail.

Merry Christmas To All

Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas because that’s what I celebrate.  If that’s not what you celebrate:  I hope your holiday is good too.  Unless, it is Satanic because I admit that I am totally against that one.

Not Partying, Yes Decorating

Well, it’s been decided and I’ve decided not to attend the party this year for a few reasons:  I said the reason was because my husband made me a better offer which is technically true, although we decided to go gambling on a different day and on Saturday to decorate for Christmas and to go to dinner.  My actual B-Day is on Friday but Friday may be really crowded so we may go to dinner on Sat instead.  I haven’t decided when or where yet, plus, just spending time with my husband is probably better for our relationship at present

The 2nd reason is;  I don’t drink anymore which I think I’ve already mentioned and most everyone else at the party does so it gets weird to watch everyone get drunk and act stupid, plus the fact that they all get into this weird sexy stuff that I am just not into..like last year someone was carrying around a naked blow-up doll which I found disturbing.  Call me a Prude, that way.  This year, they are having a raffle.  Some of the things discussed up for the raffle were questionable. And add to that the fact I can’t eat anything since I am gluten-intolerant so I would have to eat before I go and graze on veggie’s only if they had any.

3rdly is the fact that I am still healing from surgery.  I like to think I am healed but the tape is off now and the stitches are starting to itch as they heal plus, it is pressure in the area and hard to start when I go, so it isn’t like dancing would be good for me; and last year one of the restrooms were out-of-order and one of the girls had to guard the door when I went in.  With how long I take now, I would hate for that to have to happen again.

In other news, I love to theme decorate and as soon as I get the energy and the time, I am going to start indoor decorating.  I decorate my house with Snowman.  I have a few other things scattered here and there that have sentimental value like an Elf my neighbor made (the neighbor passed awynot long ago) and a few things from when I used to sell Christmas Around The World. but otherwise, it is Snowman all the way.  Oh yes, and of course Animal Christmas stuff.  I cannot forget Cat and Dog Christmas.

Do you theme decorate or is it just basically Christmas as your theme or Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate?  Have you already started/finished decorating?  Are you in the mood?

What R U Gonna Be?

So, Halloween is approaching and if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you would know that is my least favorite holiday.  You would also know I stopped attending the last church I went to because of a discussion about Halloween I had with the Pastor because they all believe Satan is going to jump out of the Halloween decorations and it is just asking him to come into your life by decorating your yard evil.  Good Gravy.  I’m a Believer in God and I think believing the way they do is total overkill.  I believe even God understands it’s all in good fun.  It’s how you live your life that matters, not having fun for a day.  It’s not like I am selling or doing drugs or illegal activities on that one day of the year and I am not even pretending to worship Satan by dressing up to be a Zombie, Ghoul, etc.

That is the one aspect I do enjoy at Halloween.  The dressing up and being in costume part.  I actually play the part of whatever character I’m dressed as when I go out karaokying.  When I was in elementary school, I dressed as a Milk Carton once and when we went door to door, I sang the “Time For Milk Commercial” song (first sentence anyway”) and my friend who was dressed as a Sorceress (I think) tapped the box with her wand.  We got a lot of candy tha year, if I remember correctly.

My best adult costumes have been The Grim Reaper, a ghoul eating an arm, Carrie, a Valley Girl and Octomom.  I made the Octomom costume myself and I actually carried all 14 children.  “Well, I couldn’t find a Baby Sitter!”  I learned something about my husband on that one.  I learned he absolutely HATES Nadia and he made me promise Never to do that costume again.  He is going to Knott’s this week and I told him to call me so I can watch him live on the internet when he goes into the maze, ‘End Games.’. ..but I digress:

Pregnant Nun

As you can see, I’ve also been a Pregnant Nun.  I don’t know why my baby turned out blue.

I don’t believe in dressing sexy for Halloween though and I think there are way to many ‘sexy” costumes out there.  You are just asking for trouble when you do that.  Just my  opinion.

So, do you dress up?  What was/is your best costume?  Ever won a prize?  I did once.  I won a mug set at a Costume Contest at a bar.  I’ve really been hoping for some money, though.

I would love to hear what you’ve been over the years and what you are planning to be this year.

I will do my usual and dress up as a Ghoul and sit out on the porch scaring the children while passing the candy.  If I do go out karaokying (doubtful), I am going as Ugly Betty this year.  That was an easy one for “just in case.”

The Shoppers Come Out Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the garage sale.  If you live in Orange County, CA and want more info, go to Craig’s List.  I posted an ad for it.  I really hope I make some money this time.  Even a small profit would be nice.  We don’t have a lot but we do have a lot of  big items like stand-up lamps.

I think after this I will start focusing on shredding, catching up on cleaning, doctor appointments and catching up with friends.

It’s weird not having therapist and chiropractic appointments anymore but it really does help save money.  $20.00 a visit puts your bank account  in the hole fast.  Now, I can get back to ordering gifts for Christmas early so I don’t go broke in December and in covering Birthdays.  Despite the fact that I never used to get my nieces and nephews presents for birthdays since they are adults, I figure since I am trying to stay close to those I have left and if I can afford to send something small for their birthday and it helps to brighten their day (especially the  unmarried ones), I will.  It’s difficult when the branches start falling off the family tree.  Funny, because I’m not really close to family but I’m closer than I realised, I guess.

 

Hooray, My Sis Is Coming!

She called this morning and I haven’t seen her since our mom passed away last September.  This is one of the last pics we have together before mom got so sick.  I think it was long before but I don’t remember because time went so fast.  Anyway, she and my Bro-In-Law are going to be going to dinner with us and staying the night here.  I am really looking forward to it.  It won’t be for a few weeks but luckily we will be really busy while waiting. 

I am also looking forward to a party next wknd with some friends from High School plus this Sat my husband and I will hopefully be looking for and purchasing a Smart Phone as an early B-Day/Christmas Present for me.  I totally Need one verses want one since I log all my food and I will be using his on our trip which is the next thing I have to be thankful for and look forward to. 

So, there is a bright, immediate future a head anyway.  At least for the next few weeks and Christmas is my favorite time of the year!! 

Plus, in March I get to go to the OCC (Operation Christmas Child) Convention again because it is local and the hotel looks awesome!