House Tour In My Mind

He texted me on Friday that the house was for sale with the price and I will get half.

I immediately started looking up websites to see the pictures. Why? To put myself through the agony of touring my house again. That’s why. To see if they did anything to it to get it ready to sell.

To remember my kitchen and sitting at the table where I read the paper or did paperwork or ate, to see our BIG 73 inch? television set that HE wanted and the theater seating. I know we had surround sound yet, we rarely used it. To see our back yard and almost cry over the memories of the bird feeders as I remembered throwing bread or filling the feeders all the time to keep them full and watching MY birds or all the birds in the neighborhood fly in, and remembering having to put a little wire fence around the feeder so Petey wouldn’t eat the bird-seed. I walked down the hall (in my memory) and saw my Library which is empty now except for a chair and the exercise bike which HE teased me because I barely used, but I got a good deal on that bike where I used to work and I did use it quite a bit until I got sick. HIS room was once the guest room and not much is shown of it, but it was also once the Coke room holding all my Coca-Cola Collectables and the Hall Bathroom matched. Surprisingly, the Hall Bath is the same. The Coca-Cola Curtains are still up in the Bedroom and the Coca-Cola Shower Curtain is still up in the bath. I thought you were supposed to keep everything generic in case a buyer did not like Coke. I remember looking for and finding Coca-Cola knobs for the cabinets and I really, miss my large, sink in, Jacuzzi Tub. The Master Bedroom which became mine had been painted to match the bath. Picking the paint had been an excruciating process but I had finally found just the right shade of gray. It is still painted that color but the bath has been re-painted to match the main walls of the house which looks really stupid, in my opinion. The shower itself, is gorgeous; as I remember having it redone from the original. Then, we have HIS office. HE never did really want to decorate in there or make it HIS but he did have some Laker stuff. There is not much now.

I think I understand now why he kept it plain and bare. I guess if you don’t love your wife and haven’t for over ten years, you might give up the relationship any time so what’s the point of decorating and trying to make a place home? I did give him a cardboard, stand-up Shaq for a gift though and I am hoping it is in the garage, as he did say he would not give it away or sell it, but was probably going to keep it and take it with him if he moves somewhere new. I did not see it in any of the pictures, so I wonder. Of course, he said a lot of things that weren’t true. (refer to last post) and Shaq really doesn’t matter anymore.

We arrive back in the Living Room, as there are no pics posted of the garage.

Soap Opera Continues… Our House

My soap opera gets weirder and weirder every day. Also, more depressing. Good Gravy, it’s been a month, can’t we just stabilize yet?

HE texted me yesterday (texting is the main way we communicate now),he called a Realtor and the house will be on the market in a few weeks. Wait a minute! Didn’t I just pick up the dog on Saturday? When I was there, HE told me he was going to sell the house in a few Months..not Weeks. That means, as I drove away unable to look at the man who I thought was going in the house to do his once a week cry (refer to my last post); that same man was probably running to the phone or the computer to find or call the first realtor he could find to say, “I am ready to sell the house.” I wonder who else HE called. I wonder if there is anyone else HE had to report to to say; “Okay, the dog is gone, I am selling the house now.” I knew the house was going to be sold eventually, but why the rush?

Plus, have you ever considered the fact of not being part of the process of the sale of your house? It’s a weird feeling. I have no idea how much the house is being sold for or anything about the people who will be buying it. It’s funny. HE actually sold his mothers mobile home on his own and did a great job at it but he hated every minute of it. Responsibility, you know. So, he refused to sell my mother’s mobile home when it came time, and we had to hire a realtor. I’m sure that’s why he hired a realtor to sell our house even if we could probably save money by selling it on our own. We’ve watched a lot of home shows and I’ve imagined walking people though our house and seeing what they like and don’t like about it and maybe even meeting the perfect family and feeling great about the next people who will live there.

I can mainly think of good memories while in that house, and I hope whomever moves in makes many of those too.

Everything Is Going Away

Wasn’t it just Tuesday morning that I called HIM and canceled the garage sale? Imagine my surprise when I showed up to the house yesterday to discover almost the entire garage cleared out. That’s right. My Coca-Cola Collection was still there as HE knew I was coming to pick that up, but very little else. I had expected to see it and go through it one last time and decide what to share with whom. I have a few neighbors I wanted to give things to; but most was already gone. Talk about a shock to the system. I know HE likes to get things done but that was way to fast, in my opinion. And emotional? You bet.

To add to the emotion for the day, the bedroom set has been sold. I knew HE was going to sell it and I did get half the money for it. Money is not the issue. But, the empty room! The memories of laying in my comfortable bed with my cat AND dog curled next to me. I could just cry! (and I definitely have/did/am/will). In the early days, laying next to him in that bed and watching t.v. together.complaining because HE gassed to much. It was a really, pretty black, lacquer bedroom set and I remember HIM saying it was great that we had the same taste in furniture. The memories are amusing but the whole situation is so very, painful. I guess I’m glad I wasn’t there to watch that bedroom set go. I hope whoever bought it makes beautiful memories on/with it.

There are more things to be sold coming up. I know some will not bother me as much but there are memories with each. Luckily, I won’t be there to see them. The backyard Spa which was awesome to have but I didn’t use very often after we got a Jacuzzi Tub. HE did, and I used to tease him about going naked in the Spa. “Oooh-La-La! Naked Man Alert!” Of course, that was at night when it was dark. We lived in a good neighborhood and it wasn’t like someone would peek over the fence. HE should just sell the Spa as part of the house..even if it is above ground. There is also the Pool- Table which was more something he wanted. It was fun, at first. But, it’s one of those things where you should probably have lots of friends or parties in order to enjoy it often. So, it became more of a storage table for our garage. We should get some money for it though. It is in good condition.

Then, there is the house, itself. Oh My Gosh, I don’t want to talk about that now. That’s when our lives together have completely ended, I guess. Even though I know (although there really isn’t any) if that 2% chance snuck in, it wouldn’t matter where we lived, it’s hard to see the house where you once loved each other (even if he only loved me for two years..whatever) go to someone else.

Happy & Sad

We were supposed to have a garage sale this wknd. The final garage sale in the house of memories. But, how can we do that? Just the thought of looking into those eyes again, wanting to hug HIM while remembering the time he was in love with me or did love me.. How could I possibly have thought a garage sale would work? As it is, every time I got to the house; I remember. And then there is the dog. I don’t regret my decision of returning the dog to him for health reasons..I’m actually starting to sleep a bit better without the dog. But, I really miss the dog. I spent so much time cuddling and playing with my Petey-Pie dog. It’s hard to visit and leave; even knowing he is being taken care of by his daddy. So, I’ve canceled the garage sale. Just the thought of it was causing my stomach to start up. I called HIM today and explained that it was to much stress. I will go to the house tomorrow and get my Coca-Cola stuff back to sell another way. Maybe via e-bay or someone else will have a garage sale, I can join.

We also talked about the dog and a few other things. HE admitted to me that he has been unhappy for probably the last 10 years. Why would someone stay unhappy in a marriage for 10 years? I didn’t get a chance to ask that. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I see that 2% chance slipping further and further away.

After I hung up the phone, I cried.

It’s like I said in my last post. I guess one person has to be unhappy for the other to be happy. I don’t know if HE is happy now. I know he is free. I don’t know what will change in 9 months time to make HIM want to come back to me. It sounds like HE is happy being free, while I am miserable. Back to square one with only my cat. He mentioned again that HE would like to be friends again in a few months. Does he mean after I get over the hurt and pain of the separation? What will change then? Last I checked, we will still be separated.

I’m actually glad I canceled the garage sale. After that one phone call ruining my day, I cannot imagine what a mess I would be after 5 full hours with the man.

If you love someone set them free
If they come back to you, they’re yours
If they don’t, they were never meant to be.

Yeah, I changed it a bit.

Different Mind-Set & Phone Book Done

I am doing two posts today at least, because this one is on my mind.

I wanted to clarify something about me and my husband. My husband and I have a great relationship. We are not attached at the hip like most couples and I am actually glad he got some time away.

However, it is a different mind-set knowing the reason he is gone. I hope this makes sense. When he is gone on a work trip or out with his buddies somewhere, I don’t feel at a loss a much. This was a vacation that we had both planned to celebrate our Anniversary and his mother’s Birthday. Of course, this is also our yearly trip. I chose a good reason not to go this time. (I woke up with a terrible headache this morning which is increasing.)

It is a bit unnerving to be alone in this house, when he is so far away. It is 1300 sq. feet which seems big. I do get comfort in knowing I have my Watch-Dog and cat with me. I look forward to moving to a Mobile-Home community where I would feel safer in these situations. I don’t know why. Maybe because neighbors houses are closer so you can call for help and also because when I am feeling well; I could walk to the pool and/or clubhouse or whatever. Plus, even though my husband wants more square footage in the next place; the way a Mobile Home is built, it does not feel bigger. They all feel more compact. I think if you take a room away. It just helps with the smaller area feeling.

Anyway, yesterday, I spent the entire day updating our new phone-book. I’d ordered it last year, I think, or maybe the beginning of this one. Both, my husband and I got tired of the old one falling apart and having scraps of paper with numbers falling out. I also watched television all day which probably isn’t good for a headache sufferer but there were some good movies on.

I think I may use this as a log of what I accomplish while he is gone.

*Don’t forget today is the Stamp-Out-Hunger-Food-Drive. If every household left 1 can of food, it would really make a difference in the lives of others.