Time Ticks Slowly

Everyone says; “you need to get out and go places, see friends, etc” but it’s not that simple. Example: I was invited to a party for the 4th of July. I could/did not go to said party for a few reasons. I live to far away from the friends that had it and I could not leave my dog alone (even with the cat) without a dog door in the apartment. Also, he is afraid of Fireworks. Despite it being a warm night, I closed the slider and turned on fans and we watched movies. I was surprised as, living closer to Disneyland, the fireworks were muffled and not half as bad as expected. As for everyone’s advice, sometimes I wish they lived in my shoes for a while; and while I know some of you have been through the same or close to the same situations, it is NOT the same. It is NEVER the same. You are not me and never will be. You were not married to the same man.

I don’t know how much longer I will beat myself up with how much I loved this man. Although a bit selfish, HE seemed so kind and almost perfect from the time we met. Heck, his family described him all the time as being perfect. He could do no wrong. I was shocked when he actually made a U-turn at a No-U-Turn Sign and went Illegal Street Racing.

He cared for me enough to keep me alive with a Kidney Donation. (Why is that, if you really don’t love the person anymore?), he would go to restaurants at times that he didn’t want to since I am gluten-free and he would go out of his way to pick up MY food when I could not eat what he did.

Of course, those were things one does during a marriage.

I miss his witty humor, I miss touching him, I miss singing karaoke songs to him in the restaurant and embarrassing him since it was so easy to do. (he hates surprises and getting embarrassed). I miss being a wife and caring for the one I loved.

There is a saying about time healing all wounds, but I just don’t know.

Advertisements

House Tour In My Mind

He texted me on Friday that the house was for sale with the price and I will get half.

I immediately started looking up websites to see the pictures. Why? To put myself through the agony of touring my house again. That’s why. To see if they did anything to it to get it ready to sell.

To remember my kitchen and sitting at the table where I read the paper or did paperwork or ate, to see our BIG 73 inch? television set that HE wanted and the theater seating. I know we had surround sound yet, we rarely used it. To see our back yard and almost cry over the memories of the bird feeders as I remembered throwing bread or filling the feeders all the time to keep them full and watching MY birds or all the birds in the neighborhood fly in, and remembering having to put a little wire fence around the feeder so Petey wouldn’t eat the bird-seed. I walked down the hall (in my memory) and saw my Library which is empty now except for a chair and the exercise bike which HE teased me because I barely used, but I got a good deal on that bike where I used to work and I did use it quite a bit until I got sick. HIS room was once the guest room and not much is shown of it, but it was also once the Coke room holding all my Coca-Cola Collectables and the Hall Bathroom matched. Surprisingly, the Hall Bath is the same. The Coca-Cola Curtains are still up in the Bedroom and the Coca-Cola Shower Curtain is still up in the bath. I thought you were supposed to keep everything generic in case a buyer did not like Coke. I remember looking for and finding Coca-Cola knobs for the cabinets and I really, miss my large, sink in, Jacuzzi Tub. The Master Bedroom which became mine had been painted to match the bath. Picking the paint had been an excruciating process but I had finally found just the right shade of gray. It is still painted that color but the bath has been re-painted to match the main walls of the house which looks really stupid, in my opinion. The shower itself, is gorgeous; as I remember having it redone from the original. Then, we have HIS office. HE never did really want to decorate in there or make it HIS but he did have some Laker stuff. There is not much now.

I think I understand now why he kept it plain and bare. I guess if you don’t love your wife and haven’t for over ten years, you might give up the relationship any time so what’s the point of decorating and trying to make a place home? I did give him a cardboard, stand-up Shaq for a gift though and I am hoping it is in the garage, as he did say he would not give it away or sell it, but was probably going to keep it and take it with him if he moves somewhere new. I did not see it in any of the pictures, so I wonder. Of course, he said a lot of things that weren’t true. (refer to last post) and Shaq really doesn’t matter anymore.

We arrive back in the Living Room, as there are no pics posted of the garage.

Soap Opera Continues… Our House

My soap opera gets weirder and weirder every day. Also, more depressing. Good Gravy, it’s been a month, can’t we just stabilize yet?

HE texted me yesterday (texting is the main way we communicate now),he called a Realtor and the house will be on the market in a few weeks. Wait a minute! Didn’t I just pick up the dog on Saturday? When I was there, HE told me he was going to sell the house in a few Months..not Weeks. That means, as I drove away unable to look at the man who I thought was going in the house to do his once a week cry (refer to my last post); that same man was probably running to the phone or the computer to find or call the first realtor he could find to say, “I am ready to sell the house.” I wonder who else HE called. I wonder if there is anyone else HE had to report to to say; “Okay, the dog is gone, I am selling the house now.” I knew the house was going to be sold eventually, but why the rush?

Plus, have you ever considered the fact of not being part of the process of the sale of your house? It’s a weird feeling. I have no idea how much the house is being sold for or anything about the people who will be buying it. It’s funny. HE actually sold his mothers mobile home on his own and did a great job at it but he hated every minute of it. Responsibility, you know. So, he refused to sell my mother’s mobile home when it came time, and we had to hire a realtor. I’m sure that’s why he hired a realtor to sell our house even if we could probably save money by selling it on our own. We’ve watched a lot of home shows and I’ve imagined walking people though our house and seeing what they like and don’t like about it and maybe even meeting the perfect family and feeling great about the next people who will live there.

I can mainly think of good memories while in that house, and I hope whomever moves in makes many of those too.

Everything Is Going Away

Wasn’t it just Tuesday morning that I called HIM and canceled the garage sale? Imagine my surprise when I showed up to the house yesterday to discover almost the entire garage cleared out. That’s right. My Coca-Cola Collection was still there as HE knew I was coming to pick that up, but very little else. I had expected to see it and go through it one last time and decide what to share with whom. I have a few neighbors I wanted to give things to; but most was already gone. Talk about a shock to the system. I know HE likes to get things done but that was way to fast, in my opinion. And emotional? You bet.

To add to the emotion for the day, the bedroom set has been sold. I knew HE was going to sell it and I did get half the money for it. Money is not the issue. But, the empty room! The memories of laying in my comfortable bed with my cat AND dog curled next to me. I could just cry! (and I definitely have/did/am/will). In the early days, laying next to him in that bed and watching t.v. together.complaining because HE gassed to much. It was a really, pretty black, lacquer bedroom set and I remember HIM saying it was great that we had the same taste in furniture. The memories are amusing but the whole situation is so very, painful. I guess I’m glad I wasn’t there to watch that bedroom set go. I hope whoever bought it makes beautiful memories on/with it.

There are more things to be sold coming up. I know some will not bother me as much but there are memories with each. Luckily, I won’t be there to see them. The backyard Spa which was awesome to have but I didn’t use very often after we got a Jacuzzi Tub. HE did, and I used to tease him about going naked in the Spa. “Oooh-La-La! Naked Man Alert!” Of course, that was at night when it was dark. We lived in a good neighborhood and it wasn’t like someone would peek over the fence. HE should just sell the Spa as part of the house..even if it is above ground. There is also the Pool- Table which was more something he wanted. It was fun, at first. But, it’s one of those things where you should probably have lots of friends or parties in order to enjoy it often. So, it became more of a storage table for our garage. We should get some money for it though. It is in good condition.

Then, there is the house, itself. Oh My Gosh, I don’t want to talk about that now. That’s when our lives together have completely ended, I guess. Even though I know (although there really isn’t any) if that 2% chance snuck in, it wouldn’t matter where we lived, it’s hard to see the house where you once loved each other (even if he only loved me for two years..whatever) go to someone else.

Happy & Sad

We were supposed to have a garage sale this wknd. The final garage sale in the house of memories. But, how can we do that? Just the thought of looking into those eyes again, wanting to hug HIM while remembering the time he was in love with me or did love me.. How could I possibly have thought a garage sale would work? As it is, every time I got to the house; I remember. And then there is the dog. I don’t regret my decision of returning the dog to him for health reasons..I’m actually starting to sleep a bit better without the dog. But, I really miss the dog. I spent so much time cuddling and playing with my Petey-Pie dog. It’s hard to visit and leave; even knowing he is being taken care of by his daddy. So, I’ve canceled the garage sale. Just the thought of it was causing my stomach to start up. I called HIM today and explained that it was to much stress. I will go to the house tomorrow and get my Coca-Cola stuff back to sell another way. Maybe via e-bay or someone else will have a garage sale, I can join.

We also talked about the dog and a few other things. HE admitted to me that he has been unhappy for probably the last 10 years. Why would someone stay unhappy in a marriage for 10 years? I didn’t get a chance to ask that. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I see that 2% chance slipping further and further away.

After I hung up the phone, I cried.

It’s like I said in my last post. I guess one person has to be unhappy for the other to be happy. I don’t know if HE is happy now. I know he is free. I don’t know what will change in 9 months time to make HIM want to come back to me. It sounds like HE is happy being free, while I am miserable. Back to square one with only my cat. He mentioned again that HE would like to be friends again in a few months. Does he mean after I get over the hurt and pain of the separation? What will change then? Last I checked, we will still be separated.

I’m actually glad I canceled the garage sale. After that one phone call ruining my day, I cannot imagine what a mess I would be after 5 full hours with the man.

If you love someone set them free
If they come back to you, they’re yours
If they don’t, they were never meant to be.

Yeah, I changed it a bit.

Weather Changes Cause Pain

Well, Crap, Crap, Crapitty-Crap, My head hurts.  I woke up at 5:30 with a Migraine and took my pills.  I don’t want to take another set and sleep for 3-4 hours a stretch.  I could try the other pills that I know work and sleep only one hour this time.  Ugh!  It is raining this morning which is not helping.  Every time we have a severe weather change, my head freaks out.  Guess I’ll have to eat in a few and take something and lay down again.  I  believe  I am going for one of the stronger ones this time.  I don’t care.  I don’t want the entire day wasted again.

In other news, yesterday was headache-free and I got a bit done.  I actually wrote on my book.  I can hardly believe how much hope I had when I lived with that Ex.  I was in La-La-Land firmly believing everything was going to get better and it was going to be the perfect relationship.  Oh, what a silly, naïve, innocent thing I was.

I need to buy some more gluten-free food but I don’t want to go grocery shopping.  To the websites I go.  Yeah, I know shipping gets expensive but whatever.  There are so many different sites and maybe I can get some food shipped from the grocery store itself which may be cheaper.

That’s it today (at least right now), I think I’m rambling.

Christians and Going To Church

As most of you know by now, I am a Christian, yet, I do not go to church.  To clarify, I do not go to an actual building on Sunday (Mosque, Church, Temple, Chapel or otherwise) to sit in a pew or chair next to people who may cough, sneeze, talk to or in any other way distract me during a service.  I also don’t have to listen to the singing and/or many other things that are involved in the service that do not come directly from the Bible if I do not desire.  I do church on television or via the internet.  Which means, I can fast forward the singing and get to the Sermon from the Pastor which is the main thing I want to hear.  I tune in for God’s word.  I can hear a different Pastor each week..at least from about 10 or so and some are not even around here.  Christmas does not have to be the actual Christmas story.  I can choose a title with a topic that may really help me during the week.

Let me give you some back-up as to how I got here.  I’ve posted a bit of this before so I’ll try to condense this.

I was raised in the Catholic Church and made to go to church every, single Sunday.  I never did believe in Purgatory, (the word is not mentioned in the Bible..and Yes, I have read the entire Bible..it took me 3 years!) and I always believed the Priest changing the water and wine into God’s body and blood was a reminder of the Last Supper…not that he was actually doing it every week, I also could never understand why we used the collection money for things like air conditioning and new seats for the church when we could be sending it to people who really needed it.  (I do think the Catholics picked a really good Pope in that way now, but I digress)   I was raised in the Youth Group and followed all the rules.  I was Miss Goody Two Shoes and totally believed in holding out sex before marriage.  I had a massive crush on the popular guy (as did most girls) and was shocked when his girlfriend became pregnant by him.  I thought for sure everybody would shun her or at least treat her differently and treat me better..but instead, they threw her a baby shower and the two got married and had a baby.  That may be when my sex before marriage view changed, I’m not sure.

After a few years of seeking a different church, I joined the Baptist Church.  This worked quite well for a while until the Pastor started up with the every Sunday thing in order to be a good church member.  I had been on the Women’s Group but that had ended and when I offered to re-start it, they said no because you had to attend every service.  They had two services on Sundays.  I do not wish to be forced to go anywhere.  That is ridiculous.  Then, he started begging and guilting people into giving money and going on and on about how you should want to give to God from your heart.  I’ve never believed in Tithing.  I’m sorry.  God isn’t getting my money.  The church is.  A group of people who decide what they want to use my money for that I have given them.  In essence, I am paying so they can preach God’s word to me as they interpret it.  I have Bible for that!  The last reason the 2nd church didn’t work out is because I started to check out a few other churches and confided in a few people a head of time, (not the Pastor) and a “friend” actually went and told the Pastor, so I was told I could no longer help in the church office (folding flyers) if I was considering leaving the church.  What?  I hadn’t said anything to the Pastor because my decision hadn’t been made but at that moment, I guess it was made for me so I was gone.

The last church I attended was also Baptist.  Thee people have views that are at the point of being ridiculous.  The Pastor and I almost got into it at Halloween because he believes putting up Halloween decorations of witches, ghosts, etc. is asking evil spirits to invade your world and you should always live as a Christian and be ready for Christ.  He got annoyed that I didn’t bow down and say, “Oh, your right, I’m so sorry.”  Uh..Nope.  Not my belief.  Then, everybody sort of started treating me differently after that and the air was just weird.  Plus, they would talk behind the back of other members and say, “I heard so and so said this and I think so and so may have been a druggie anyway.”  Who knows what they are saying now that I’m gone.

 

Anyway, when I explain that I do church on the internet or television, I get tired of hearing the response, “You should really find a church family.”  Why?  I just told you my reasons for not going?  Everybody is different.  God is working in me in his own way and we have our own relationship.  I don’t need your drama of seeing you on Sunday and then not talking to you during the week.  I had a friend that swore all the time and treated her family like crap, but she was the “Perfect Christian” because she went to church every Sunday.  Guess what?  I found out, she is divorced now.  She as a devout Catholic.

Before you quote the commandment:  I am well aware:  It is:  Keep Holy The Sabbath Day. 

A Christian means “Follower of Christ” and as a Follower of Christ; I do not need to go to church.

 

 

 

A Date By Myself

Yesterday I took myself to Red Lobster for lunch.  It was a pain using my Nutrition Tracker App deciding what to eat but having had barely any Protein at breakfast..what a reward!  I had one of their yummy Crab Cakes and wonderful Biscuits.  Nothing like fresh Crab Cake from a Seafood Restaurant.  I just ate the other one for breakfast today.

Reminds me of a time years ago when I had self-confidence and just enjoyed going out by myself.  This was also when I was in between boyfriends.  I decided to take myself to the movie one day to see The Muppets.  I love The Muppets.  Anyway, as I was leaving my apartment..one of my neighbors asks me where I’m going and I say, “I’m going to the movie.” and he says “With who?”  so I say, “Me, Myself and I.” so he asks, “Can I come?” and I said, “Sure.  If you want to see The Muppets.”  He thought for a second and said, “The Muppets?, Can we watch something else?” and I said, “No.  You invited yourself to the movie.  I am going to see the Muppets.  If you don’t want to see The Muppets.  Forget it.”  So he said, “Have a good time.” and I said, “Thank you, I will.”

and I did.

Yesterday was one of the first times in a long time I arrived early (an hour early) for an appointment.  I played on my phone in the car until the actual appointment time.

 

  • Calendar

    • December 2017
      M T W T F S S
      « Jul    
       123
      45678910
      11121314151617
      18192021222324
      25262728293031
  • Search