Funny Memory & Reality

Someone made a comment with the word ‘Twat’ which made me think of something totally off topic to the situation at-hand. It’s good to get your mind off things once in a while. Here’s a true story about a teacher who was also a Priest in Catholic School or CCD which was part of Catholic Education while growing up. This Priest was really cute and he was teaching us about words. We were in Jr. High and he asked us for swear words to write on the Chalk-Board. At first, the room was dead silent. And, he said, “Don’t worry, God isn’t going to strike you down.” so, I said it really softly; the first one brave enough to say something as I slunk into my seat. “Twat.” Everybody cracked up. Father Tom (don’t remember his real name) said, “Come on, you can do better then that.” and wrote my word and like the S word on the Chalk-Board, then we started rolling. After the Chalk-Board was full of words, he started to go over the true definitions. This is a woman’s body part, this comes from the body of a dog, etc. When you insult someone, you are really not doing anything. In this way, knowing what the words you are using really mean is taking away the power. It was one of the most informative and fun CCD classes I attended.

    Back To Reality:

I was at the house yesterday for hours moving things from inside the house to the garage. HE never believes we have anything for a garage sale, but this time, we do. I think I may text him about putting the ad in the local paper so I can mention the Coca-Cola Collectibles and maybe get some collectors there. I wound up feeding the dog and the poor dog freaked out when I tried to leave. Actually, at first I had only been there for a little while and was going to my car and he started yelping. I had to let him come with me. When I actually left, I gave him a treat first. But, he still started barking at being left alone. I am going back today to do some more..hopefully actually organizing and maybe pricing of things.

My Living Room is almost unpacked and the bedroom is done. I may finish the last two Living Room boxes this morning. Then all I will have left is the bath. I have the empty boxes folded up and stacked since I will be moving again in 9 months and it is a total hassle to find and have to buy boxes again.

I really do not feel like this is home (Well, it’s only been 15 days!) and the house is not home anymore so I sort of feel as if I am homeless now. Plus, with my husband saying he doesn’t love me anymore or..he loves me but isn’t in love with me…Whatever. It’s just depressing to feel unloved and practically homeless. Just because you have a roof over your head does not make a place home.

I still want to wake up to what my life was once. Back in my big bed with my cat AND dog, my husband whom I thought loved me can be in the next room..that’s okay. But, we can be okay again. And, this can all be one Big-Ass Nightmare..never to have happened. He would laugh and think I was crazy, or he would say I’m taking way to much medication and should probably talk to a doctor and change that, or he would think I was losing my mind and need to get a hobby. But, it would be normal and I would make his lunch for work and make his dinner once in a while. Heck, I’d even make him a couple Egg Sandwiches which I know he loves and I hate to make and would wear a mask while I made them because I hate the smell.

Don’t worry, I haven’t flipped. I know the difference between reality and dreams. I’m getting it. I Hate It but it’s setting in. There is no one to “take care” of me, but me. It’s what HE wanted. HE also said at one time HE wanted me to be happy, but HE can’t have it both ways. I think in order for one to be happy, the other has to be miserable unless something is decided together.

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Nasty Nightmare & Nasty Side Effects

Well, I started the Z-Pak today and discovered it has a side effect of causing/increasing diarrhea which I already had.  Not fun.

I don’t know if I mentioned but I have a Disability Hearing scheduled for the 20th which is causing a bit of stress.  We are going on Friday to review the file to see what their case is.  I already have 3 doctors writing letters to help me out this time.  It’s ridiculous how so many people get away with abusing the system but those of us that have numerous problems and really need it have such a hard time continuing on Disability.

I woke up with tears running down my face from a horrible nightmare.  I dreamed my husband gave or talked me into giving my cat away.  We were at some conference thing and originally we gave her to the leader (whom I think was my Therapist) who in turn gave her to some rude, Arab guy.  I kept saying, “I want my cat back.”  My husband asked if he would change his mind and he said “No.”  Then on the last day, the leader made some sort of speech about how we had all learned to get along with one another but the Arab guy felt like he was being harassed so she was letting him leave early and I started freaking out and screaming not to let him take my cat.  My cat’s name is Firepie. But, he yelled at me and said, “She’s my cat now and her name is PieHole.” – – Needless to say, I was so thankful to wake up and have her cuddled in her usual place next to me.

I think a lot of this dream has to do with the fact that I gave some stuff to a family who lost their house and cat and guinea-pig in a fire, plus, I’ve been keeping up with the news and all the shooting and killing in other countries.  After I’d heard about the fire, I made my husband check the Smoke Detectors.  I’ve just been a bit paranoid since then.