House Tour In My Mind

He texted me on Friday that the house was for sale with the price and I will get half.

I immediately started looking up websites to see the pictures. Why? To put myself through the agony of touring my house again. That’s why. To see if they did anything to it to get it ready to sell.

To remember my kitchen and sitting at the table where I read the paper or did paperwork or ate, to see our BIG 73 inch? television set that HE wanted and the theater seating. I know we had surround sound yet, we rarely used it. To see our back yard and almost cry over the memories of the bird feeders as I remembered throwing bread or filling the feeders all the time to keep them full and watching MY birds or all the birds in the neighborhood fly in, and remembering having to put a little wire fence around the feeder so Petey wouldn’t eat the bird-seed. I walked down the hall (in my memory) and saw my Library which is empty now except for a chair and the exercise bike which HE teased me because I barely used, but I got a good deal on that bike where I used to work and I did use it quite a bit until I got sick. HIS room was once the guest room and not much is shown of it, but it was also once the Coke room holding all my Coca-Cola Collectables and the Hall Bathroom matched. Surprisingly, the Hall Bath is the same. The Coca-Cola Curtains are still up in the Bedroom and the Coca-Cola Shower Curtain is still up in the bath. I thought you were supposed to keep everything generic in case a buyer did not like Coke. I remember looking for and finding Coca-Cola knobs for the cabinets and I really, miss my large, sink in, Jacuzzi Tub. The Master Bedroom which became mine had been painted to match the bath. Picking the paint had been an excruciating process but I had finally found just the right shade of gray. It is still painted that color but the bath has been re-painted to match the main walls of the house which looks really stupid, in my opinion. The shower itself, is gorgeous; as I remember having it redone from the original. Then, we have HIS office. HE never did really want to decorate in there or make it HIS but he did have some Laker stuff. There is not much now.

I think I understand now why he kept it plain and bare. I guess if you don’t love your wife and haven’t for over ten years, you might give up the relationship any time so what’s the point of decorating and trying to make a place home? I did give him a cardboard, stand-up Shaq for a gift though and I am hoping it is in the garage, as he did say he would not give it away or sell it, but was probably going to keep it and take it with him if he moves somewhere new. I did not see it in any of the pictures, so I wonder. Of course, he said a lot of things that weren’t true. (refer to last post) and Shaq really doesn’t matter anymore.

We arrive back in the Living Room, as there are no pics posted of the garage.

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Our Freedom-My Freedom

Happy 4th of July. Today marks a celebration of Freedom. A different type of Freedom.

Not the type of freedom I am experiencing in my life. Not the freedom of being alone unwillingly, thrust upon me, unexpectedly, suddenly. Oh yes, my fur-children are here, but other than that, I am alone.

Alone to remember the words HE said to me:

“I will never leave you.”, “I will not abandon you.”, “I am not like the others.”, “I would never and have never cheated on you.” “I have always been honest with you.”, “Trust me.”
“I love You.”

At our wedding reception, I sang his favorite song to him: ‘I Honestly Love You’ by Olivia Newton John. Now, here are songs I would like to sing. Forgive me, if I don’t know the titles, I will write some of the song lines,

“Don’t Go Breakin My Heart”, “You’ve Abandoned Me, Love Don’t Live Here Anymore,” “All Cried Out”, “Who Are You?” “Please, Don’t Leave Me This Way?” “It’s A Heartache”. and many more along that line.

Then, on the other end of the spectrum, we have the anger songs. I am so, so angry and hurt at what he has done to me. So, I get through on songs like these:
“If Looks Could Kill”, “Used To Love Her”, Bitch”, “You Oughta Know”, “Jamie’s Got A Gun”, “Your Fu_ _n Crazy”, “Love Stinks”.

and one of my personal favorites,

    “The Bitch Is Back.”

Unfortunately, there are less songs of this nature then the others above.

Making Time For Pain, and Life.In Between

So, I had my IVIG Infusion on the 20th for the Hypogammagobulynemia and it did last 6 hours.  The process itself was not to bad.  It was a basic I.V. and I drank a lot of water and watched a few movies.  The nurse that came was really friendly.  As a matter of fact, I think she talked a bit to much.  I was glad my husband was home because we had to lock up my cat in another room and she cried and cried so he would close my door and let her out once in a while.

The Hellish part came afterward.  That same night the headaches hit.  As you all know, I am a headache sufferer anyway and these were intense.  I mean Intense!  They would slam on sharply and cause nausea.  Needless to say, I was up crying and taking meds and even vomiting (once) along with dry heaves until 3:30 in the morning.  I was actually thankful we don’t have a gun in the house because you just want the pain to end at a time like that.  (No, I would not do that.  I don’t believe in it.).  Anyway, the next day was pretty much drugs and sleep and today I made it to the postal store and to Walgreen’s before some more meds and Yes, more sleep.  My husband had taken the day off too.  I really am a sucky or sicky wife.

I have my first Botox treatment on Thursday.  I sure pray I don’t have headache side effects from that.  I seriously don’t now if I can handle anymore.

In other news., I mentioned I went to the Postal Store today.  That’s because someone posted on Facebook about someone needing help due the flooding in Indiana.  It always makes me feel good to be able to send a Care Package to someone who really needs it verses going through the organizations such as Red Cross, Salvation Army, etc.

So, I got a box together and got it out.  I’m sure he can share what he can’t use with friends and neighbors who also suffered loss.

It feels good to know that between my pain bouts;  I could still do a good deed for someone else.

Pain & Credit Cards

Another bad day for headache pain.  Another day of pills and sleep. eating and water.  That’s it.  My husband came home right after work and had suggested last night and even this morning possibly doing something tonight, but it wasn’t meant to be.  Oh, I tried to get up.  I got up long enough to clean up the cat barf from the carpet this morning.  Don’t know what that was about.  I knew driving anywhere today wasn’t going to happen despite the fact I gave the dog the last of his treats this morning; but he will get lunch meat or cheese or something tomorrow.

I’ve already contacted my doctor and am awaiting authorization from the insurance on Botox treatments.  Yes, I know the side effects.  I’m willing to risk them with all this pain.  I am so tired of pain.  I don’t think I will ever have a pain-free life but I would like to lessen it.

Also, the phone kept ringing due to my Hypogammaglobulynemia and the infusions.  They have been approved.  They will last 6 hours and will be given at home.  I’ve had a phone interview.  Now, I will just have another phone call soon to set the date.  I guess I can lay in bed on those days and watch t.v. or read or play on the phone or whatever.

On another note, my Pay-Pal Credit Card arrived today.  I’ve decided to only use it for e-Bay purchases.  I will know the difference because it has my baby’s (cat) picture on it.  I think the first thing I will use it for will be a gift for my Niece who will be graduating High School in June.  So, I still have two main  credit cards technically since I consider E-Bay like a store, and a debit card.  I have a few other store cards too but I don’t use those very much.  This will be a good way to track just how much I really spend on e-Bay.

Health & Helping

I saw my doctor yesterday as a follow-up to surgery and I am doing very well.  He actually said the pain should go away completely soon and was surprised I only needed one Vicodin while recovering.  Well, I am a Migraine Sufferer and have been told I have a very, high pain tolerance.  One doctor or nurse went so far as to tell me if I ever gave birth, I probably would not have a problem.  Guess, I’ll never know.

I helped someone else anonymously on Aidpage.com.  She had written her address on the wrong page so I simply sent a toy to her for her daughter for Christmas.  It is coming directly from Walmart and I don’t think my name will be on the label since it is being paid through Pay-Pal,  so she will have no idea who it is from.  Now, that is the way to get a Christmas Present.

I know I need to stop spending money as I am getting a bit nervous about the upcoming bill, but I do need to go to Walgreen’s for basics and I heard they are having a toy collection for Chips For Kids so maybe one more thing.  I wish I were rich and could afford to help everyone who cannot afford Christmas.  It’s my favorite holiday.  And, every day there is a new story on Aidpage.com.  It’s getting closer to Christmas yet the stories keep coming and coming.

Just like the Mushrooms in my backyard, per yesterday’s post.

 

Fissure Surgery

I believe the surgery I am going to be having is called a Rectal Fistulotomy.  It seems to fit the description. Aapparently, quite a few people have gone through this and have not been in that 3%, wich is very promising.  A friend wrote and told me about the horrible pain she experienced while recovering (which was not promising).  I do wish people would focus more on the positive issues of things when they find out others are having surgery; versus the negative, which simply freaks us out more; but I’ve handled tons of pain in that area so I know I can handle more.  PLus, I’ve never heard of anyone dying from this type surgery.

 

How Are You..The Question

maybe it was the day you had your first period, or the day you had your first break-up, or the day you won your first award, or the day you graduated from high school or even the day  you turned 21 and became an “Adult.”  Remember the day?

You had changed and you thought everyone had noticed but, they hadn’t.  Instead, they asked you the question; the clerk said, “How are you?”  They don’t want to know.  Not really.  Oh, if it’s good like the high school graduation..they may say “That’s wonderful, Congratulations!” but that would be it before greeting their next customer.  But if it’s bad they don’t want to know.  So you avoid their eyes when answering the question,  “Fine.” You answer.  But, you’re not fine.  Inside you want to scream.  “What’s wrong with you?  The world as I know it is ending.  Don’t you care?  I am numb.  I am nauseated.  I feel as if this is one big, bad, dream and I will wake up.”  So, your glad they don’t engage you in any more conversation as they finish the transaction and you go on your way.

Changing Into My Husband

I need to start exercising again so I tried the StationeryBicycle last night which was a terrible idea.  Even though I sat on a towel.. with these terrible anal skin tag things, I thought I wa going to die.  I am still burning and am just surprised my whole ass isn’t burning off.

They say when you get a transplant of pretty much any kind apparently, you can take on the characteristics of the person who donated the kidney to you.  I believe that has happened with the qualities of my husband who was my donor.  I am starting to agree with him in some aspects in the way he feels about children,  I have been watching more sports,  I have become less social..  It’s scary how much more like him I am becoming. Aalthough I cannot see myself adapting a lot of that lame guy sense of humor any time soon…that’s for sure.

 

Feeling Better Gluten Free

Sometimes it’s hard to explain how I feel with so many issues going on.  I’ve had really bad abdominal cramping along with sudden diarrhea as well as times of constipation.  I am also having muscular type pains everywhere and a pulling/sharp pain in my side  kidney area’s.

I’ve been going Gluten-Free since last Monday and the cramping/diarrhea issue seems to be getting better.  I am going to continue this diet until at least the 18th when I see my metabolic doctor and talk to them.  The one negative aspect of it is it is hard to get the protein/calorie requirement I need by the end of the day as most Gluten-Free items I find are very low-protein and low-calorie.

Shopping Purchases & Review

My Therapist sort of the said the same thing my Chiropractor did, and mentioned my back pain may have something to do with the fact that I wear my Fanny Pack practically 24/7 instead of a purse.  So, I went to Target today and bought an actual purse;  It’s called a Crossover which is the new thing now.  I was a bit nervous about getting a purse because I am so forgetful and was afraid I would leave it somewhere but the Crossover lets you hang it crossways around your body as well as down your arm so nobody can steal it which is safer.  I’m not real thrilled with the one I chose but until I find one I really like, it’ll do.  While there, I also purchased a really cute hat.  I also blew up the Exercise Ball and am using that instead of a regular Desk Chair.  I do hope something starts to help soon as I have never had back pain before and it really hurts.

I also bought something else really cool while shopping.  A Scotch-Brite Disposable Toilet Scrubber Starter Pack.  I’ve mentioned before how much I Love house-cleaning. (insert sarcasm) so anything to make it easier, I’ll check out.  This thing looked really cool.  It’s got a Handle and Individually Wrapped Disposable Scrubbers with Built-In Cleaners & Pumice.  I had my husband put the Handle together so it didn’t break and I was totally surprised at how easy the Scrubber itself was to use.  It actually turned the water blue like the drop-ins, plus, I didn’t have to get my hands wet and it did what it said and got under the rim of the toilet.  The only drawback is the Scrubbers have to be dropped in the trashcan after use and cannot be flushed so you may want to consider having a plastic bag in your trashcan and they only come 6 to a box so if you have two baths you will be buying refills every month but to me, it’s worth it for the results.