Life Moments

It’s been a sleepy last few days. Even the dog seems to sleep extra. The Bactrim seems to be working for the infection or whatever I am recovering from. Yep, another wknd of the same crap I got in May which was one of the main reasons I could not go to Vegas for our Anniversary.

The dog and I are on a semi-schedule now. I take him for walks 3-4 times a day. Short walks. Just around the front of the complex area. Last night, a bunch of children wanted to pet him but he really had to go potty so it was not the best time.

The Ginger Root came which I am going to try for my Migraines but I think I am going to wait. I have plans on Sunday and I was up all night in the restroom. I am not sure if that is good to take with an antibiotic and if that was the cause of my stomach issues last night, it’s probably best to wait until after Sunday anyway and try again.

Funny story about this apartment. This complex is very quiet. However, I live directly across the walkway from a family with 5 children, one of which is a baby. That baby can scream! Well, since it’s been hot, they tend to keep the screen closed and their glass door open. Last night, I heard them having sex and suddenly I heard the baby scream. Good. Made them stop that. I didn’t want to hear that either. Usually, crying babies annoy me, but good for you Baby, you make them knock that off or close the doors and turn on the air conditioner. Sheesh.

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So Tired and Drained

I am so tired of dealing with this. Now, we are separating verses a Divorce right away because of the medical insurance coverage. I can’t lose my coverage. I can’t afford it on my own..but, now he tells me if he decided not to give me any alimony; he might have been able to cover the medical and I would have lived on all the other stuff. Whatever.

I don’t care anymore.

So, we can separate. After 9 months, we will re-evaluate the relationship and the financial aspect of it. Good .AT least give me 9 months away. You want 9 months to play friends, or whatever.. Fine. Get your head on straight. Whatever. Stop jerking me around. I need to get away from you. Why can’t you understand that? You don’t love me. I can’t be your Insta-Friend after 12 years of being your wife.

Tomorrow, I am going back to my counselor for an emergency meeting. (So, to speak.) Everything is signed and turned in for the apartment. Please give me my definite move-in date. Tell me soon and let’s get going. My animals are stressed and so am I.

Plus, I’m tired of hearing people tell me he or anyone I’m with needs to be a Christian. I’m sorry but I’m getting to where I’m ready to turn off my phone and Facebook until I’m moved out and alone and away from him. Not keeping anyone I know in the loop, at all. People are lecturing him now and people are lecturing me.

There’s also the fact that he is taking off work again tomorrow. Playing sick. I wish he would just go. For someone that doesn’t want to be around me anymore, he isn’t really wanting to separate any time soon and he seems to act as if we are just friends now. This is exhausting and emotional to me. Why doesn’t he get it???

The Marriage Ending Saga (Found An Apartment)

I found an apartment and the paperwork is being signed and money is being put down today. We are also seeing someone about the Divorce. I may have to steel myself with a bit of anger or something to get through this: even though financially he is being very nice.

Here is what I don’t need right now. I have a neighbor who I thought was a friend. A new Christian. She literally told me she does not like my decision and it is against God. She said I should fight for my marriage because God does not want Divorce. She went on and on about how I should be the stronger person and have faith because God turns people around, blah, blah, blah. I almost told her where to shove her religion.

I asked S. again if he was sure this is how he felt. He actually said not only Yes, but if he decided to stay he would probably just do this to me again in the future because he is not happy. He also said he has felt this way for about the last 5 years. I had the transplant about 6 years ago. This means, about right after the transplant, S. decided since I didn’t I didn’t get miraculously cured or for whatever reasons;.he wasn’t happy and we should end it.

He re-affirmed that there is no one else or at least no one by computer.

I can’t dwell on this anymore. I need to focus on moving and try to put my crying on the back burner until I get out of here, if possible. I could be moving as soon as next wknd.

My Giving Addiction.

I can hardly believe it’s almost June which means the year is half over and I have hardly started Christmas shopping. According to my calculations (which I just did) I need to buy 4 gifts each month to keep up with my list. Even on disability, this should not be to hard as I don’t pick the most expensive of gifts. So, yesterday, I had fun going through one of my many gift catalogs and finding things for my husbands’ and my family. I actually enjoy picking things that I think they might like.

My gift-giving list has gone down from the past because people pass away, friendships are lost and some relatives tell me not to give to them.

Here’s the thing. If you know someone like me who Loves to give where giving means the world to them,(for whatever reason) it is really an insult for you to tell them not to give to you anymore. Honestly, it feels like a slap in the face; almost as if you don’t want me to care.
It does not matter if you like the gifts received, I do not go to your house and ask what you have done with them or where you have put them or why you aren’t using them, or whatever.

It is simply that you are taking my joy of caring away from me toward one more person; thereby diminishing the joy I get in choosing and giving a gift.

Unlike most, I love giving…especially at holidays. I think it my obsession, compulsion, addiction. It does not cause problems for me financially and I don’t see why it causes problems for the receiver. You are welcome to donate the gift, sell it, give it away, whatever, if it is not something you desire. However, don’t tell me.

I have one friend that gives things that are used. The thing with that is, she will announce before-hand that they were used and she either didn’t want it or didn’t like it, etc. so she gives it to me. I do find that a bit tacky because when it comes to re-gifting; I do not believe you shod announce the fact a head of time. She will also ask later on, what I did with the gift received. This puts me in a tough position because I don’t keep a lot of what she gives me. I do not lie to her, however, I do feel a bit bad when I tell her I donated something she gave me.

I do believe before you give something; you should know something about the persons interests (unless it is a neighbor..in which case, that can be tough) and go on that. You usually cannot go wrong with a favorite animal, favorite color or gift card. Of course, gift cards are iffy because it’s good to know where they shop.

Anyway, this blog post started with Christmas Shopping and somehow diverted. I get hurt sometimes when a homeless person turns me down after I offer a bag filled with clothing, soap, food, etc. If you are really homeless; why wouldn’t you accept that?

I think I’ve concluded I definitely have a Giving Addiction which is not a bad addiction to have.

Wknd People Observations

The wknd was nice to a point where I actually got out and went the mall to Victoria’s Secret to buy some bra’s.  Just in time because I’d received my new card and a $10.00 off card.  That is one item I do not buy often so I will not buy a cheap, ill-fitting one.  I also got a gift for a friend who just had to have her cat put down.  Long, sad story..I don’t want to get into.  However:

No, this person does not read my blog (at least I hope not and has never mentioned so) so, I can say this:  After having a long chat with her on the phone about her life and how it was going, I got to thinking about something.  She and her husband have a two (almost two) year old and receive Wic.  He works full-time and she just started a part-time job.  She mentioned that she cannot go  to full-time employment because then she would lose Wic assistance and she doesn’t want to do that.  Isn’t Wic supposed to be a temporary program until people get back on their feet?  How old are the children before the Wic program gets cut off?  Isn’t the goal to want to improve your life and get off of such a system (like food stamps) if possible verses staying on it?

Now, before you compare it – Yes, I am on Disability.  However, I do have a (many) disabilities.  There is no way I could possibly hold a job with how often I am in bed with debilitating headaches, sore throats, viruses, etc.  I do not know from one night to the next if we can even go to dinner.  It’s a big difference and a completely different issue to live with actual chronic pain.

Anyway, I also went to IHOP with my husband and his friend for dinner on Saturday.  It’s amazing how my stomach remains fine when I get what I can eat.  The only thing I can eat there is Strawberry Crepes made with eggs only and whipped cream on top.  Yum.  Plus, the hash browns are okay because they cook them with butter.

My husbands’ friend moved sold his mobile  home and moved into a new apartment.  His live-in girlfriend?, friend? (not sure what the relationship) of what seems like forever is in a rehab/care facility and probably will be for the rest of her life.  I don’t exactly remember why.  I know she just cannot walk hardly at all anymore and has numerous other health issues.  (I used to visit her but after mom died, I just don’t really go to those places anymore.  But, I digress.)   Anyway, his place is nice.  It’s in a Sr. Apartment Complex.  I was just surprised that after all those years together (over 20), there wasn’t one picture of them together.  Yes, he is all unpacked and set up.  This was not just a roommate type situation, as, he still goes to visit her every day.

Botox Experience & Reclusive Contentment

I had my first set of Botox injections yesterday.  By set, I mean like 10-12 or more.  I don’t know.  They were in my head.  Heck, I think I’m already brain damaged.  What is he doing?

I told the doc most of my pain is on the left side so guess where he gave most of the injections?  Yep.  The needles are actually smaller then acupuncture needles, however, there is medicine involved and you can feel the medicine go in.  At first, it felt like bug-bites.  No problem.  Then, he hits the nerves in my scalp right where the pain points are.  Yikes.  When I was laying on my stomach and he hit a point on my scalp I think I made some weird, moaning, dying noise or something and he asked if he was hurting me.  I’m like, “That one did.”  Anyway, I asked about side effects and he sort of dissed them.  But, I’ve read about them.  The headache side effects really weren’t to bad.  A little Acetaminophen w Codeine kicked it.  I do have bumps all over my head at the injection sites and my head is a little sore when moving it..but all in all I think this one is okay.  It will take about 3 days to kick in and IF it works; it should last for about 3 months.  Now, this will not take my headaches/Migraines away but it should cut them down.  Wow, maybe I will wake up and go to bed without a headache for  a while.  That would be a dream come true for me.  Oh yes, the doctor also mentioned Botox helps wrinkles.  Everyone keeps bringing that up.  That’s great.  What are you implying?  I really think wrinkles are the least of my worries right now.

When I mentioned to my sister on the phone that I am becoming a Recluse and I am actually enjoying it; she sounded sad.  Is there a reason why we should not enjoy our own company?  Do we really need to feel sorry for those that choose to be anti-social?  I think it’s the fact that I am sick so much.  Outside stimulation can just cause me to get sick a lot more, so it’s almost worthless for me to do it.  I have most everything I need here at home.  I do think maybe if we move to a mobile home (yes, we are back to discussing that.) and maybe  if I can get these headaches under control; my feelings may change a bit and I may want to get out a bit more then I do now.  But in the meantime; I am content where I am.

Everyone Is A Doctor

Isn’t it amusing when you tell someone you have a medical problem (such as headaches)  and suddenly everyone gets out their medical degree and puts on their uniform and gives you advice?.

I called to return a Therapeutic Pillow I ordered which was supposed to be good for headaches, I thought.  However, I am a side sleeper and it has a crease in the center and is meant more for back sleepers.  One of the Customer Service Reps had called the other day telling me of the return policy.  So, I am talking to the girl on the phone and I mention I am a Migraine Sufferer and the pillow is not helping.  She says, “Are you drinking enough water?  My daughter gets migraines but it’s because she doesn’t drink enough water.”  You ever feel like smacking someone through the phone.  I know she meant well.  But relay.  That’s the solution!  None of the doctors in the world can figure this out and it’s my water intake??  I don’t think so.

Then, on Facebook (although I know well-meaning) I find recipe’s from friends for smoothies or drinks to help with headaches and articles about food triggers.  Gosh, it could be food triggers?  Really?  Yes, I know most of my food triggers.  I love Pumpkin Seeds and Cheese but I try to stay away from them especially when I am having bad headache episodes.       I’m already on a gluten-free diet and I have to eat.  My doctors and I both keep track of my diet record.  Thanks for helping point out the idea of food triggers.

Needless to say, I would be shocked should a friend or stranger figure out a solution to this problem when the doctors can’t.

If someone tells you they are sick with headaches, or any aches, try saying, “I’m sorry or “I”ll  pray for you.”  and leave it at that.  It really does help, just  to know you care.

Making Time For Pain, and Life.In Between

So, I had my IVIG Infusion on the 20th for the Hypogammagobulynemia and it did last 6 hours.  The process itself was not to bad.  It was a basic I.V. and I drank a lot of water and watched a few movies.  The nurse that came was really friendly.  As a matter of fact, I think she talked a bit to much.  I was glad my husband was home because we had to lock up my cat in another room and she cried and cried so he would close my door and let her out once in a while.

The Hellish part came afterward.  That same night the headaches hit.  As you all know, I am a headache sufferer anyway and these were intense.  I mean Intense!  They would slam on sharply and cause nausea.  Needless to say, I was up crying and taking meds and even vomiting (once) along with dry heaves until 3:30 in the morning.  I was actually thankful we don’t have a gun in the house because you just want the pain to end at a time like that.  (No, I would not do that.  I don’t believe in it.).  Anyway, the next day was pretty much drugs and sleep and today I made it to the postal store and to Walgreen’s before some more meds and Yes, more sleep.  My husband had taken the day off too.  I really am a sucky or sicky wife.

I have my first Botox treatment on Thursday.  I sure pray I don’t have headache side effects from that.  I seriously don’t now if I can handle anymore.

In other news., I mentioned I went to the Postal Store today.  That’s because someone posted on Facebook about someone needing help due the flooding in Indiana.  It always makes me feel good to be able to send a Care Package to someone who really needs it verses going through the organizations such as Red Cross, Salvation Army, etc.

So, I got a box together and got it out.  I’m sure he can share what he can’t use with friends and neighbors who also suffered loss.

It feels good to know that between my pain bouts;  I could still do a good deed for someone else.

Friends & Recluses

There are two types of people in this world, I’ve discovered: (probably more)

The ones who divulge absolutely nothing about their lives unless you are talking or seeing them in person or unless you ask tons of questions to pull it out of them, and the others who share everything so you can rejoice when they are happy and sympathize/cry with them when they are sad.   I belong to the 2nd set.  Sometimes, I think I talk to much, however, I like my friends to be informed as to what is going on.  Most of my friends (and my husband) belong to the first set, which gets hard.

A friend’s sister has been keeping everyone updated via Facebook about her/his mother being in hospital.  Their mother just died a few days ago.  I have left numerous messages with him and he has not even called me.  I have sent him a personal sympathy gift and I am also sending some flowers to the church.  However, I must say his Not contacting me is a bit of a surprise especially after leaving messages.  It also hurts a bit.  I know he has a lot of family, but still.

I have had situations with other friends who have had important situations occur and did not bother to contact me.  Yet, I would get a hold of them as soon as possible should the same thing occur with me.

I remember my therapist saying I expected to much from people.  I guess when you only have 5 or so friends that you consider “close”, you kind of want them to  share the most important things in their lives with you.  At least I do.

I start to wonder if maybe it is because I do not live close enough to see them as often as we  like, or maybe it is because I am sick all the time  Or maybe, it is because I care to much and I need to stop caring so much for others.

Maybe this is one reason I am turning into a Recluse in a way,  and liking it more and more with my computer friends..indoors

Explosive News Coverage and Children

Let me start this by saying my prayers go out to the families of those that lost love ones in the Boston Explosions yesterday, as well as, to those that were injured and survived the mess.

That being said,  after watching the same coverage like four times because all my television programs had been taken over,  I decided to play Bingo on Facebook which is my way of relaxing.  Now, for those of you who don’t know…Bingo has an area for conversation where most people say “Good luck”, “Well done.” and maybe “This game sucks today.”  Yesterday, a few of the players had turned the conversation area into a discussion about the news in Boston.  I don’t want to hear/read about that when I am playing Bingo.  It was distracting.  Out of the corner of my eye, I catch this comment, “And there were children there. The day is supposed to be fun for children.”

As you can guess this comment touched a nerve.  Here is why:

This was before they knew that a child was one of the victims (not that the timing makes a difference.)

Why does a child being at the event make it any worse then an adult?  Look at it this way, with enough therapy, a child might get over the trauma (should they become traumatized by what happened)  and the adult may never get over it.  The event in question was not aimed toward children.  This was a Marathon with adults running in a race.  Just because a child was in the audience and happened to witness the bombing or explosion or whatever does not make the situation worse then anyone else witnessing it or the adult who sat right next to the explosion as it occurred, in my opinion.

Before you start busting me again for my feelings on children (No, I don’t hate children!)  If something like this happened in a McDonald’s Play-Yard or a Children’s Fun Zone of sorts or somewhere deliberately aimed toward children, then I can completely understand when you reference the children.

I am very sorry for the young child that lost their life in the explosions.  However, I do hope that is not the only person we hear about in the news.

I guess there was also an Earthquake on the border of Pakistan.  I pray for all the innocent people who lost relatives or were part of that situation as well

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