Still Sick and Thinking Realistically

Still sick which doesn’t surprise me. I could not do it and still talked on the phone.
I only have to take the dog stuff over today and that’s it since I have just re-scheduled my Psych appointment to next week. It’s a bad idea to see the Psych today when my body and head are already foggy, plus, I need to talk during those appointments.

HE won’t be there to drop off the dog stuff since HE is working.

I was thinking last night and yes, you (all of you) are correct. 2% is a number HE picked out of the air to give me for any hope of getting back together in the future because I need/needed one. He knows it would break my heart if he said Never. I’m not quite sure how far this goes back that he has been Serious about leaving me. I really believed some or most of his comments were in jest.

I keep saying I want to hold onto something. But, as you have pointed out, why hold onto someone who doesn’t love you? Because this is the man who once DID love me. This is the man who walked down the aisle with me swearing before God and the world that he would love me, “In Sickness and in Health Until Death Do Us Part!” This is the man that loved me enough to give me his kidney so I could live. Yet, somehow, there was a turn in his mind.

Maybe it’s because I am a woman but I plead, beg and search for a legitimate answer. Anything to tell me just what and when our lives went so very wrong. Seriously, I need to accept the reason that I was sick to much? That makes him sound very selfish and carries on the trend of almost all my previous relationships. Was he thinking of this before or after he wanted separate bedrooms because he said my nightmares and side effects from meds kept him awake?
I would be happier if I found a picture or any other evidence of him having had an affair because I would get an answer. I could connect the being sick to much and lack of sex to the affair and it would make sense.

What kills me is..there is no closure. Not in the divorce, separation sort of sense. I still need to get myself ready for that. In the whole reasoning sense. This is worse then every other break-up I’ve had because there have been reasons for those. Some of which were stupid.

He is very determined and stubborn. Usually when he sets his mind to something, he does it. If he has really set his mind that this is final, there is to be no 2 or any %. No matter how much I cry, beg or pray. I know I need to wrap my mind around that.

What you all need to understand is I can’t go one minute hearing I definitely want to separate, two weeks later in an apartment and BOOM! be Divorced! It is to much in one swoop. This is why I am taking time to digest all this and slowly face reality and all facts. Facts. Not reasons; because I can’t find anything legitimate. I am starting to understand (on my own) there is no hope for a future with him. The acceptance part has not exactly set in but it is coming; the preparedness in my head is starting. It is not HIM calling the shots, it is me.

I will always love him in my heart but I will never understand and to have no closure; No real reason, Other then to say “You are sick to much”, or “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m not in love with you” or “I don’t like responsibility” just doesn’t cut it. I would rather have something more specific.

I am/was not a clingy wife. I did not put boundaries on my husband. I did not set rules. I’ll always remember when he we had this conversation:

S: “After we get married, Am I still going to be able to play Basketball?”

Me: “What do mean? Are you going to break your arm?”

S. “Well, some guys are saying when you get married the girls change and don’t let you do anything anymore.”

Me.: “When you get married, you add to each others lives; not subtract from them. Of course you can still play Basketball and I will still Karaoke.”

So, HE played Basketball and Volleyball and Softball, I Karaoke and Write. We did things together. We went to movies, car rides, things that pertain to animals..like the zoo, gambling trips, etc. probably not as much as he would have liked due to my being sick. But, we did things.

Since I had health issues that affected our sexual life: I didn’t mind if he looked at porn on the computer. I gave him time and stayed in the other room; if he and a buddy wanted to go to a strip club once in a while it was fine. Although, I did notice it become a bit more current within the last few months.

I gave the man everything he wanted and in return he leaves after 12 years of marriage. Without giving me the one thing I really need. A legitimate, true, reason.

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My Storm Watch & Future Preparation

It’s Storm Watch.  Really.  Yes, ..I’m watching for it.  They’ve said for two days now we are supposed to have a storm with thunder, lightening, etc.  We had a wee bit of rain yesterday and last night, but thats it.  I need to go grocery shopping.  Whole Foods is a ways away.  I don’t want to spend an hour shopping at and have to drive home in the rain.  I don’t like driving when people don’t know how to drive and half the time they don’t use their blinkers anyway, so you should see it when its raining.  I found 27 pages of gluten-free foods at Whole Foods.  I am still watching for the storm because after it comes and goes, I can go shopping.  In the meantime, I am trying to finish what I have here. 

I am beginning to wonder if Blue Bonnet Margarine is really gluten-free.  Due to some stomach issues and that’s what I have increased lately;  I think it may not be.

In my last entry;  I talked about writing my book.  I’ve re-started it, albeit very slowly.  I also talked about my kidney transplant 6 years ago.  I got to thinking and talking to my husband.  6 years is a long time.  While his kidney is great and I have had no problems in that regards, that does not mean I will not have a rejection ever.

  I would really love to live in a mobile home park before I get to sick to enjoy it.  Why?  Because they have pools and club-houses and sometimes, activities and maybe I would want to walk around more in a smaller type community.  My husband said we can continue looking.  Who knows? maybe we can even rent something for a bit until we retire and move where we really want to go. 

I also thought of something else in the same regards.  Should anything happen to me, I would want someone to finish my book.  This is how important it is to me.  I just talked to my sister.  She has always wanted to be a writer.  Heck,  I even encouraged her to be a participant in the last Nanowrimo event.  I was so proud she participated.  She said she will finish the book should anything drastic (my passing) occur. I have already written the ending of the story at the top.  She would have all my diary notes and my manuscript to go from.     I very much doubt anything will happen but, it is in God’s hands, not mine.  

 

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