Questions About My Nightmare

3-4 headache pills every day and the last one gives me solid sleep until I wake up with a nightmare. My husband is leaving me. My marriage is over.

So, I’m talking to his Aunt on the phone this morning going over the scenario again and it Hits! I mean.. Really Hits! I frickin want a nervous breakdown! I want to die. I don’t want this. I want to wake up to my old reality as husband and wife. I literally want to scream or throw something or freak out. I wind up calling my sister who calms me down a bit. She actually tells me I need to calm down..I can’t go to the hospital..he won’t go there. Then, she gets into why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?

Tonight, we talk, the man and I. The one who is still my husband, for the moment. He got annoyed a bit in the afternoon because I posted on Facebook about the situation and his sister got upset. I think she told him, as did a few others who called and texted him and asked what was going on. I guess he was going to keep it a secret for a while. I don’t know why. If he really wants to leave so bad, what’s the big secret?

We aren’t fighting. We are actually still getting along as usual except for the fact that I cry constantly now. Little things set me off. We watched a show where the family went camping in a motor home reminding me that S. had wanted to rent a motor home and go camping together. Plus, S. actually announced that he just doesn’t love me anymore.

One positive in this mess. My moving out is going to be Expensive! He is paying my rent. Plus, I will need some new furniture. After getting me moved, he may only have enough to rent a room somewhere. Oh well. In that respect, I have no sympathy. I come first financially since his wish of freedom or whatever is being fulfilled.

We will be getting a Lawyer very soon.

In the meantime, I still cannot believe any of this. I still want to wake up. I want to smack him in the head with a brick and have him wake up and love me again like he did when we first married.

I ask myself why I go through this over and over again in relationships and how this could happen with the man who supposedly committed his life to me? I ask myself why when I was born with a rare, metabolic disorder and was not expected to live.. my parents fought so hard for me to live; that I am meant to suffer over and over and over again like this? It would almost be better to have had some major physical and mental handicaps because then you are always like a child and your heart does not get broken so easily.

I would like to also know just how many tears one can cry because I just can’t seem to stop. If I stoop drinking water, do the tears stop, or do you just get dehydrated before you get sick and die?

I thank God for my animals because they have both been there for me during my break-downs and
give me a reason to get up. Right now, the focus is on packing and finding an apartment and I do think that will happen very soon.

Not Partying, Yes Decorating

Well, it’s been decided and I’ve decided not to attend the party this year for a few reasons:  I said the reason was because my husband made me a better offer which is technically true, although we decided to go gambling on a different day and on Saturday to decorate for Christmas and to go to dinner.  My actual B-Day is on Friday but Friday may be really crowded so we may go to dinner on Sat instead.  I haven’t decided when or where yet, plus, just spending time with my husband is probably better for our relationship at present

The 2nd reason is;  I don’t drink anymore which I think I’ve already mentioned and most everyone else at the party does so it gets weird to watch everyone get drunk and act stupid, plus the fact that they all get into this weird sexy stuff that I am just not into..like last year someone was carrying around a naked blow-up doll which I found disturbing.  Call me a Prude, that way.  This year, they are having a raffle.  Some of the things discussed up for the raffle were questionable. And add to that the fact I can’t eat anything since I am gluten-intolerant so I would have to eat before I go and graze on veggie’s only if they had any.

3rdly is the fact that I am still healing from surgery.  I like to think I am healed but the tape is off now and the stitches are starting to itch as they heal plus, it is pressure in the area and hard to start when I go, so it isn’t like dancing would be good for me; and last year one of the restrooms were out-of-order and one of the girls had to guard the door when I went in.  With how long I take now, I would hate for that to have to happen again.

In other news, I love to theme decorate and as soon as I get the energy and the time, I am going to start indoor decorating.  I decorate my house with Snowman.  I have a few other things scattered here and there that have sentimental value like an Elf my neighbor made (the neighbor passed awynot long ago) and a few things from when I used to sell Christmas Around The World. but otherwise, it is Snowman all the way.  Oh yes, and of course Animal Christmas stuff.  I cannot forget Cat and Dog Christmas.

Do you theme decorate or is it just basically Christmas as your theme or Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate?  Have you already started/finished decorating?  Are you in the mood?

How Are You..The Question

maybe it was the day you had your first period, or the day you had your first break-up, or the day you won your first award, or the day you graduated from high school or even the day  you turned 21 and became an “Adult.”  Remember the day?

You had changed and you thought everyone had noticed but, they hadn’t.  Instead, they asked you the question; the clerk said, “How are you?”  They don’t want to know.  Not really.  Oh, if it’s good like the high school graduation..they may say “That’s wonderful, Congratulations!” but that would be it before greeting their next customer.  But if it’s bad they don’t want to know.  So you avoid their eyes when answering the question,  “Fine.” You answer.  But, you’re not fine.  Inside you want to scream.  “What’s wrong with you?  The world as I know it is ending.  Don’t you care?  I am numb.  I am nauseated.  I feel as if this is one big, bad, dream and I will wake up.”  So, your glad they don’t engage you in any more conversation as they finish the transaction and you go on your way.

Oh, Please Keep Me As Your Friend

  • When you get these questions on Facebook, what do you do?  Do you jump and beg and say, “Oh please, keep me as your friend.”, Do you ignore it and hope the person doesn’t delete you?  Do you actually answer with “I don’t give a crap.” or do you do nothing and not play into this silly scenario.

These questions are insulting.  If you wish to delete me as you don’t think I am that important.  Go a head.  There is nothing I can do about it.  Nobody is that important that I am going to beg for your Facebook Friendship.

I understand having so many Facebook Friends you cannot keep up every day but to have an app making an announcemnt and asking who wants to stay? It feels like another popularity contest in High-School.