Last Post-My Truth

This will be my last post on this blog. I will be ending this one and starting another. Just as this chapter of my life is ending and re-starting.

I need to confess something to you. I haven’t been completely honest lately. I’ve been writing some fiction immersed with truth. While I do miss the life I had and the family we were, I am not still extremely depressed. I have been uncovering some truth, some facts about the man who claims he loves me but is no longer in love with me; bad things. Not just on one website or but numerous websites, phone numbers, accounts I had not known about During and after our marriage. I found HIS picture. I know my husband. I’ve washed those clothes. HIS picture. Needless to say, I am not waiting to get away from this.

I hired a Divorce Lawyer. I’m done. That was over two weeks ago. HE was served today. During those two weeks, I’ve been working off anger. So much anger. Yes, I still do cry once in a while about what was but; not as much and I hardly take Xanax at all. I couldn’t write that. HE reads this. So, I waited. Until Tonight..

HE DENIED IT! ..Every single thing. Come on. Man Up! Give some honesty finally, please. HE denies being on Any website, HE denies having any other account or cell phone, HE denies having cheated on me during or after our marriage. I Have Your Picture! HE says I don’t understand what I’m reading. What? so, I’m an idiot now? Seriously, If it was one site, I may have believed you, but it isn’t. HEe says I’m being spiteful. No, Sweetheart, (read in sarcasm) I’m not being Spiteful, I’m taking responsibility for myself. I’m taking care of myself legally. I’m covering my ASS. I don’t trust you anymore. I’m angry and I’m hurt about the way you ended our marriage after 12 years. You weren’t honest after 2 years if you were so unhappy for 10. Why would you be honest now? I’m paranoid of meeting/trusting any man again. You took my heart and kicked it to shreds after knowing my horrible history and promising me (not to mention our marriage vows which meant nothing to you) that you would never leave me or abandon me. I am not letting you control how the relationship completely comes to an end by using a Mediator or whatever verses an Attorney (I won’t even get into That issue here) because you don’t want to pay money for a Lawyer. To bad. You say, you want me to be happy. Well, I am. We are playing it my way now.

Sorry Readers, so that’s what’s up. He’s been Served! It took forever. I can finally get some sleep and peace. I am going to start a new blog and I will come back and follow a few of my favorites with a different name. When I come back, I will leave those people a comment of who I was (stillstrange). Until then, I really wish you all the best. I love WordPress.

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Health & Home

Wow, It seems like I haven’t posted in forever but that’s what happens when your stomach revolts from medication. So I went to the doctor with my usual sinus infection thing as my regular doctor wasn’t in. It sucked because my regular doc would have just called in Z-Pak and I probably would not have even had to see him. Anyway, this one puts me on Bactrim and Bactrim gave me diarrhea so bad that I was going all day and night. I swear, I think I lost another 2 pounds. This is not good. Needless to say, after 3 or so days of that crap (literally), I decide to quit that entirely. I called the doctor who suggested taking one more but I told her NO. The sinus infection is 90% better, and yesterday without the Bactrim, my body finally started to heal. Ugh.

It’s funny. I walk around this apartment complex and sometimes I glance in the windows of the other apartments and I think, Wow, people have really made their places homey. But, then I remember. THEY LIVE HERE!

This isn’t a vacation. WE LIVE HERE. FIREPIE, PETEY AND I. It is not going to just end and we are not going to go back to our lives before; Back to the family that we were when I was a wife and the animals would run to the door when their “daddy” would come home. My place is not homey because I have not put any pictures up at all. In my mind, I do not “live” here. This is not our home.

I remember a time before when we got to this point in the relationship and HE had said HE might want to separate temporarily and I had agreed to move out then. We had set the time for about 3-6 months or so. HE was going to stay in the house that time. I had gotten to the point of packing boxes. Somehow, in my mind, I did not think it was really over then..and it wasn’t. HE went to counseling before changing his mind. But, this time? You know the story.

Time Ticks Slowly

Everyone says; “you need to get out and go places, see friends, etc” but it’s not that simple. Example: I was invited to a party for the 4th of July. I could/did not go to said party for a few reasons. I live to far away from the friends that had it and I could not leave my dog alone (even with the cat) without a dog door in the apartment. Also, he is afraid of Fireworks. Despite it being a warm night, I closed the slider and turned on fans and we watched movies. I was surprised as, living closer to Disneyland, the fireworks were muffled and not half as bad as expected. As for everyone’s advice, sometimes I wish they lived in my shoes for a while; and while I know some of you have been through the same or close to the same situations, it is NOT the same. It is NEVER the same. You are not me and never will be. You were not married to the same man.

I don’t know how much longer I will beat myself up with how much I loved this man. Although a bit selfish, HE seemed so kind and almost perfect from the time we met. Heck, his family described him all the time as being perfect. He could do no wrong. I was shocked when he actually made a U-turn at a No-U-Turn Sign and went Illegal Street Racing.

He cared for me enough to keep me alive with a Kidney Donation. (Why is that, if you really don’t love the person anymore?), he would go to restaurants at times that he didn’t want to since I am gluten-free and he would go out of his way to pick up MY food when I could not eat what he did.

Of course, those were things one does during a marriage.

I miss his witty humor, I miss touching him, I miss singing karaoke songs to him in the restaurant and embarrassing him since it was so easy to do. (he hates surprises and getting embarrassed). I miss being a wife and caring for the one I loved.

There is a saying about time healing all wounds, but I just don’t know.

House Tour In My Mind

He texted me on Friday that the house was for sale with the price and I will get half.

I immediately started looking up websites to see the pictures. Why? To put myself through the agony of touring my house again. That’s why. To see if they did anything to it to get it ready to sell.

To remember my kitchen and sitting at the table where I read the paper or did paperwork or ate, to see our BIG 73 inch? television set that HE wanted and the theater seating. I know we had surround sound yet, we rarely used it. To see our back yard and almost cry over the memories of the bird feeders as I remembered throwing bread or filling the feeders all the time to keep them full and watching MY birds or all the birds in the neighborhood fly in, and remembering having to put a little wire fence around the feeder so Petey wouldn’t eat the bird-seed. I walked down the hall (in my memory) and saw my Library which is empty now except for a chair and the exercise bike which HE teased me because I barely used, but I got a good deal on that bike where I used to work and I did use it quite a bit until I got sick. HIS room was once the guest room and not much is shown of it, but it was also once the Coke room holding all my Coca-Cola Collectables and the Hall Bathroom matched. Surprisingly, the Hall Bath is the same. The Coca-Cola Curtains are still up in the Bedroom and the Coca-Cola Shower Curtain is still up in the bath. I thought you were supposed to keep everything generic in case a buyer did not like Coke. I remember looking for and finding Coca-Cola knobs for the cabinets and I really, miss my large, sink in, Jacuzzi Tub. The Master Bedroom which became mine had been painted to match the bath. Picking the paint had been an excruciating process but I had finally found just the right shade of gray. It is still painted that color but the bath has been re-painted to match the main walls of the house which looks really stupid, in my opinion. The shower itself, is gorgeous; as I remember having it redone from the original. Then, we have HIS office. HE never did really want to decorate in there or make it HIS but he did have some Laker stuff. There is not much now.

I think I understand now why he kept it plain and bare. I guess if you don’t love your wife and haven’t for over ten years, you might give up the relationship any time so what’s the point of decorating and trying to make a place home? I did give him a cardboard, stand-up Shaq for a gift though and I am hoping it is in the garage, as he did say he would not give it away or sell it, but was probably going to keep it and take it with him if he moves somewhere new. I did not see it in any of the pictures, so I wonder. Of course, he said a lot of things that weren’t true. (refer to last post) and Shaq really doesn’t matter anymore.

We arrive back in the Living Room, as there are no pics posted of the garage.

Our Freedom-My Freedom

Happy 4th of July. Today marks a celebration of Freedom. A different type of Freedom.

Not the type of freedom I am experiencing in my life. Not the freedom of being alone unwillingly, thrust upon me, unexpectedly, suddenly. Oh yes, my fur-children are here, but other than that, I am alone.

Alone to remember the words HE said to me:

“I will never leave you.”, “I will not abandon you.”, “I am not like the others.”, “I would never and have never cheated on you.” “I have always been honest with you.”, “Trust me.”
“I love You.”

At our wedding reception, I sang his favorite song to him: ‘I Honestly Love You’ by Olivia Newton John. Now, here are songs I would like to sing. Forgive me, if I don’t know the titles, I will write some of the song lines,

“Don’t Go Breakin My Heart”, “You’ve Abandoned Me, Love Don’t Live Here Anymore,” “All Cried Out”, “Who Are You?” “Please, Don’t Leave Me This Way?” “It’s A Heartache”. and many more along that line.

Then, on the other end of the spectrum, we have the anger songs. I am so, so angry and hurt at what he has done to me. So, I get through on songs like these:
“If Looks Could Kill”, “Used To Love Her”, Bitch”, “You Oughta Know”, “Jamie’s Got A Gun”, “Your Fu_ _n Crazy”, “Love Stinks”.

and one of my personal favorites,

    “The Bitch Is Back.”

Unfortunately, there are less songs of this nature then the others above.

Soap Opera Continues… Our House

My soap opera gets weirder and weirder every day. Also, more depressing. Good Gravy, it’s been a month, can’t we just stabilize yet?

HE texted me yesterday (texting is the main way we communicate now),he called a Realtor and the house will be on the market in a few weeks. Wait a minute! Didn’t I just pick up the dog on Saturday? When I was there, HE told me he was going to sell the house in a few Months..not Weeks. That means, as I drove away unable to look at the man who I thought was going in the house to do his once a week cry (refer to my last post); that same man was probably running to the phone or the computer to find or call the first realtor he could find to say, “I am ready to sell the house.” I wonder who else HE called. I wonder if there is anyone else HE had to report to to say; “Okay, the dog is gone, I am selling the house now.” I knew the house was going to be sold eventually, but why the rush?

Plus, have you ever considered the fact of not being part of the process of the sale of your house? It’s a weird feeling. I have no idea how much the house is being sold for or anything about the people who will be buying it. It’s funny. HE actually sold his mothers mobile home on his own and did a great job at it but he hated every minute of it. Responsibility, you know. So, he refused to sell my mother’s mobile home when it came time, and we had to hire a realtor. I’m sure that’s why he hired a realtor to sell our house even if we could probably save money by selling it on our own. We’ve watched a lot of home shows and I’ve imagined walking people though our house and seeing what they like and don’t like about it and maybe even meeting the perfect family and feeling great about the next people who will live there.

I can mainly think of good memories while in that house, and I hope whomever moves in makes many of those too.

I Got The Dog Back(& HIS Bad Reason)

Yesterday was one of the happiest days so far for me! I got my dog back!
The first week was shock and trauma and questions and tears, etc. Neither I, nor Petey, nor Firepie could figure out just what was going on nor why we had been thrown into this situation. We could not get our schedules figured out.

It’s been a month now and I’ve decided I want my Petey back. I want him sleeping with me, I want to know where he is, I want to be here when he is afraid of Fireworks on the 4th of July, I want doggie kisses and to spoil him with treats (even if I shouldn’t) and toys. I am his Mommy. Plus, I told Petey I would never abandon him like his dad did to us and I felt like that’s what I had done.

So, I called HIM. He said okay. He let me get Petey right away. He and I were friendly and civil. Well, we’ve always been friendly to each other. We’ve never fought. That’s the whole weird thing about this break-up. I asked HIM, if he has been so unhappy for the last 10 years of our marriage, why did he wait so long to do this? Why not let me go after two years? HE said he wanted to tell me sooner but I was always sick (NOT TRUE), he said he stuck around because he didn’t know who else would care for me: out of guilt. That’s a cop-out because he got the courage to do it now, all of a sudden. I told HIM how much what he has done has hurt me.

I told him how it makes me feel like I’ve wasted the last 12 years with someone who didn’t love me. Never mind the fact that HE has felt this way for 10 years verses 12. I could have given my love and made my vows to someone who really loved me and didn’t decide to give up because they didn’t want responsibility anymore. There might actually have been somebody out there that would have loved and accepted me for the girl I was then; and who knows, maybe actually helped me feel better and more accepting of my health problems verses making me feel worse by bailing because of them.

HE mentioned that HE is trying to be decent in this whole situation and he is wants me to be happy. He also mentioned that he cries to.. at least once a week. Once a week? What’s once a week? How about once a day or more? How about an ocean, to where you can’t count the tears? Why would I have sympathy for your once a week cryng over what you caused and supposedly wanted?

Needless to say, despite my tears of hurt mixed with my joy at getting my dog back, I could not look at HIM again, as HE stood at the garage door and watched us leave. I talked to Petey and backed the car out of the driveway of what once was my house;.our house. The house of cards that we built our love in, the house that crashed down but 52 Pick-Up is not meant to be played because most of the cards are missing. I tried to give the house key back, but HE wouldn’t take it. I don’t know why. There is nothing left for me in that house anymore.

Petey is home

Petey is home

UnHappy Month Anniverary

Today marks a month since the start of my Hell! Wait, that’s not true. Hell, actually started on the 13th but that was when the shock hit, I was moving today last month. Today is the exact day a month ago that I started on my own. The first night I cried my eyes out.in shock and despair over the changes in my life.

Let’s discuss Anniversaries first, shall we? Most Anniversaries are happy, joyous occasions. Like, the day you met, or how many dates you’ve been on, or how many years you have been married. They are celebrated making happy memories together with dinners and joy while spending time with the one you love.
Then, there are the sad Anniversaries, remembering those who have died. People go to visit gravesides then or maybe they go through old pictures, say prayers, eat a certain food in their memory. (Snickers, for dad) etc.

But, This Anniversary does not fit the profile. We will NOT spend it together. I may take myself to buy something but it would be out of the necessity of needing shorts, not to celebrate anything or because I am going anywhere. I may take myself to dinner, but only because I got a flyer about a restaurant nearby that has Garlic Tofu that sounds really good and I can probably eat it. (I’ll have to check what they have that is gluten-free). HE hasn’t died so I could not visit a grave site even if I wanted to..(which I probably wouldn’t anyway, because I have a hard time visiting people graves).

Oh Yes, Last night, I did cry. Almost to the point of needing a Xanax. I cried for what was. I cried for the husband I married who I believed loved me then. I cried for what is, the cards I have been dealt in my life, and the life I am living now. I cried because I miss my dog who used to lick me all the time and roll in my clean laundry. I miss my life that was stable and calm. I cried until I fell asleep.

But in good news, I slept until almost 10 o’clock this morning, which I haven’t done in a long time.

I hope HE reads this one today.
I hope HE thinks of me sometimes and how unhappy I am.

HAPPY MONTH ANNIVERSARY, if you do.
I hope you feel miserable and guilty for what you have done to your wife who has loved you all those years.

Losing Weight..Bad Way For Me

If you’re looking for a few ways to lose weight, I have some. Separate from your husband of 12 years unexpectedly. During that time, cry almost every day and don’t eat meals when you are supposed to. It won’t be hard because you won’t be hungry. Your body will give you headaches and other pains, you will take pills for that pain and if you aren’t moving things around or focusing on something like the television to take your mind off reality, your trying to sleep without dreaming; which only works with drugs. As time goes on; your clothes start to become loose.

Within the last four weeks, I have lost four pounds. Yesterday, I noticed how loose my clothes were becoming so I bought some candy realizing I need those extra calories throughout the day. I just got on the scale this morning. I know I need to start eating again at regular intervals, as well as snacking. I also know I need to start tracking my food again. Stress is terrible for everyone’s immune systems but mine especially because of my disease and kidney transplant.

It will be a solid month on Friday since this occurred. That means I will have 8 more months in this apartment. Friday will mark a solid month of tears and lack of sleep and wonder and pain of what went wrong in my 12 year marriage to a man who loved me (I thought and believed) when we walked down that wedding aisle and said his vows in front of all our friends and family. The same day I sang his favorite song to him at the wedding reception, “I’ll Always Love You.” by Olivia Newton-John.

I am supposed to be drinking one Ensure Plus every day for dietary purposes. I may up that to two for a bit. I need to gain weight. I don’t care if I am eating candy. I know I need to eat more. I cannot wither away and make myself sick. My cat needs me, if nobody else does. I do have friends that still care about me.

Today, I will start again to get back on track physically. I will eat even if I’m not hungry. I may even start tracking my food again. I can’t do this to myself. If I do this to myself and my body, I will have let him win and proved that he was right, that I NEED someone to take care of me. Which I Don’t. I just need to get my emotions in check and start taking care of myself again. As the weight comes off, reality hits and it ain’t a pretty picture!

I Wonder How Long Until Happiness Sets In

It’s been three weeks, as of yesterday. I don’t post every day because my days fade into each other. I watch t.v., I write letters, I call people, I play with the cat, I do the normal activities I have to..like eat, etc. I play games on Facebook, I still cry.

I’m done unpacking. I don’t want to do it anymore. There’s one more box that may have more towels although its marked Halloween. I’m missing some towels. I remember buying them. Or, maybe not. I’m not thinking straight. I keep putting stuff down and forgetting where it is. Sometimes, after being on the computer for a long time, I forget where I am and I think I’m at home..the other house..in the old kitchen and I’m surprised when I look to my left and I don’t see the kitchen table or the garage door. Then, my mind is back.

I still get headaches, I’m still not sleeping like I want to. Last night, I fell asleep while talking to a friend on the phone. That was rude. Luckily, he understands. He, yeah, it’s okay though. He is my best friend. The one I told you about. The one I got re-connected with.

I’ve seen the Psychologist twice but that didn’t work. He kept agreeing with me. Anything I said, he said, “Uh-Huh”, It’s good to feel that way”, “You’re right” He made me talk for the whole 45 minutes. What a waste. I could talk on the phone or to the cat for 45 minutes. I don’t need him. If I need to pay someone, I’ll get a Therapist, not a Psychologist. The last Therapist I had was nice but she was overly-religious and talked about herself all the time when she wasn’t preaching about God.

The manager introduced me to a lady who lives in the complex. A single lady with a cat. I got brave and knocked on her door yesterday, but she wasn’t home. Maybe some day we can drown our sorrows, or at least share our stories over a cup of tea. Guess I’m not the only Cat Lady in the complex.

A stupid guy who I thought was a friend tried to hit on me and wanted to spend the night. I got really pissed off! How dare men take advantage of this situation! First of all, I am separated, not divorced and from a Christian standpoint (which I and supposedly this man was) that is not moral and is considered Adultery. Secondly, I have so much emotion around me right now; I am so sad and angry about having been abandoned like this. I have already bought a shirt that says, “The More I Meet Of Men, The More I Like My Cat.” The last thing I need right now is another man coming into my life messing me up. I need supportive friends. “Friends” can be male or female. Needless to say, that guy and I had some serious words and he is OUT! Off of Facebook, Out! I did tell him I would continue as acquaintances but I don’t think that is going to work either. But wait, are your enemies still your acquaintances?

I wonder what HE does with his time, when not getting the house fixed up by his uncle. Wknds are when we used to go for drives with the dog and laugh over t.v. shows which I can hardly watch in full anymore without crying. I wonder if HE and the dog watch those same t.v. shows in full and he can laugh at them as normal without missing those weird comments I used to make. I wonder if HE eats anything healthy other then Bananas. I wonder if we really could be “friends” as HE wants to..months in the future. I wonder how my life spun out of control the way it did and if I will ever be happy again.

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