Sloow Changes & Constant Wondering

Yesterday I didn’t post. I was tired of talking about it. Writing about it. Thinking about it. But, I DID think about it. I will always think about it..This whole life change and how I got back where I started through no fault of my own. A woman doesn’t dream of starting single, getting married for a short time, and then becoming single again for some unknown reason. It’s just unrealistic.

My days start to early. Even without the dog, I don’t sleep as long as I would like I’m hoping that will change eventually. I start my day with unpacking at least one box. Eventually, I will get this place completely done.

I did the laundry yesterday and mumbled to myself about how much I hated apartment living. It took like half hour to figure it out. You have to buy a card from a machine but when you buy the card, it has no money on it. (as the manager pointed out..”like a gambling card”) then, you have to use your credit/debit card to put money on the laundry card in order to do your laundry. Then, the laundry machine is weird and it said I had a Bad Card because you have to keep the card in the slot for so long until it actually starts working. Totally annoying. Plus, I am washing colors and whites together now. May as well. As long as I’ve pre-washed new things (which I think I will do in the sink when I get them) they won’t run and probably won’t shrink. Why waste extra money on what isn’t even a full load?

The garage sale is next week and since HE is gone this wknd; I am going to the house to organize and probably price stuff for it. HE wanted to know what day so he could ask his uncle not to come. I wouldn’t let him do that. I know why. It’s because he is probably paying his uncle extra to walk the dog during the day. I felt bad but it is his dog and he needs to take the responsibility for him. I am not going over there to walk the dog. I am going over there to work on yard sale stuff. Plus, I don’t know if I am going over there today or tomorrow so I am not going to post it here. Yes, it is very hard sometimes to play the part of Bitch, I must admit.

Since it hasn’t been long. My feelings switch. One minute I cry, One minute I’m pissed and one minute I am completely blank and in shock. Sometimes I wonder how he feels when he is alone with Petey in our old house full of memories. I wonder if he regrets his decision in any way? I wonder if he misses me at all or only the things I used to do for him. I wonder what happened to the love we once had.

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Still Sick and Thinking Realistically

Still sick which doesn’t surprise me. I could not do it and still talked on the phone.
I only have to take the dog stuff over today and that’s it since I have just re-scheduled my Psych appointment to next week. It’s a bad idea to see the Psych today when my body and head are already foggy, plus, I need to talk during those appointments.

HE won’t be there to drop off the dog stuff since HE is working.

I was thinking last night and yes, you (all of you) are correct. 2% is a number HE picked out of the air to give me for any hope of getting back together in the future because I need/needed one. He knows it would break my heart if he said Never. I’m not quite sure how far this goes back that he has been Serious about leaving me. I really believed some or most of his comments were in jest.

I keep saying I want to hold onto something. But, as you have pointed out, why hold onto someone who doesn’t love you? Because this is the man who once DID love me. This is the man who walked down the aisle with me swearing before God and the world that he would love me, “In Sickness and in Health Until Death Do Us Part!” This is the man that loved me enough to give me his kidney so I could live. Yet, somehow, there was a turn in his mind.

Maybe it’s because I am a woman but I plead, beg and search for a legitimate answer. Anything to tell me just what and when our lives went so very wrong. Seriously, I need to accept the reason that I was sick to much? That makes him sound very selfish and carries on the trend of almost all my previous relationships. Was he thinking of this before or after he wanted separate bedrooms because he said my nightmares and side effects from meds kept him awake?
I would be happier if I found a picture or any other evidence of him having had an affair because I would get an answer. I could connect the being sick to much and lack of sex to the affair and it would make sense.

What kills me is..there is no closure. Not in the divorce, separation sort of sense. I still need to get myself ready for that. In the whole reasoning sense. This is worse then every other break-up I’ve had because there have been reasons for those. Some of which were stupid.

He is very determined and stubborn. Usually when he sets his mind to something, he does it. If he has really set his mind that this is final, there is to be no 2 or any %. No matter how much I cry, beg or pray. I know I need to wrap my mind around that.

What you all need to understand is I can’t go one minute hearing I definitely want to separate, two weeks later in an apartment and BOOM! be Divorced! It is to much in one swoop. This is why I am taking time to digest all this and slowly face reality and all facts. Facts. Not reasons; because I can’t find anything legitimate. I am starting to understand (on my own) there is no hope for a future with him. The acceptance part has not exactly set in but it is coming; the preparedness in my head is starting. It is not HIM calling the shots, it is me.

I will always love him in my heart but I will never understand and to have no closure; No real reason, Other then to say “You are sick to much”, or “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m not in love with you” or “I don’t like responsibility” just doesn’t cut it. I would rather have something more specific.

I am/was not a clingy wife. I did not put boundaries on my husband. I did not set rules. I’ll always remember when he we had this conversation:

S: “After we get married, Am I still going to be able to play Basketball?”

Me: “What do mean? Are you going to break your arm?”

S. “Well, some guys are saying when you get married the girls change and don’t let you do anything anymore.”

Me.: “When you get married, you add to each others lives; not subtract from them. Of course you can still play Basketball and I will still Karaoke.”

So, HE played Basketball and Volleyball and Softball, I Karaoke and Write. We did things together. We went to movies, car rides, things that pertain to animals..like the zoo, gambling trips, etc. probably not as much as he would have liked due to my being sick. But, we did things.

Since I had health issues that affected our sexual life: I didn’t mind if he looked at porn on the computer. I gave him time and stayed in the other room; if he and a buddy wanted to go to a strip club once in a while it was fine. Although, I did notice it become a bit more current within the last few months.

I gave the man everything he wanted and in return he leaves after 12 years of marriage. Without giving me the one thing I really need. A legitimate, true, reason.

He Gets The Dog and Other Animal Things

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Before we got married, HE had dogs and I had cats. We had cat and dog figurines on the wedding cake next to the Bride and Groom and cats and dogs going down the stairs from the top cake to the ground over a fountain; since we only had one Bridesmaid and one Groomsman.

Now we are separated. I slept solid last night after another sob fest. But, I woke up with a clear head and made a solid decision. HE can have his dog. Yes, I love that dog. Yes, I’ve cared for that dog. However, technically it is HIS dog. HE chose the dog. His friends gave us the dog. He has begged for visiting rights/privileges with the dog. Within the last week, I have finally gotten the dog to pee on the patio. PEE on the patio. That is only one part of his business. I used to sleep in until 9 and 10 because the dog had a dog door. I admit, I will miss the dog, but without him, I won’t have to make myself get dressed right away to take him for walks. I won’t have to force myself to stay up and dressed when I don’t want to in order to take him out for his last walk at 9:30 at night.

I spoke to HIM on the phone. HE said he may stay in the house now and can even put a dog door in the sliding glass door since he has already blocked in the other one. HE sounded happy about my decision. He also said he may just stay in the house now until Petey dies and when the 9 months end, he will probably just buy me a mobile home wherever I want.

I won’t tell you other things he said. I won’t tell you things that could take me out of La-La-Land should I choose to believe them. I won’t/can’t throw hope away even if HE wants me to head in that direction. It’s only been a week! Before you say it, I know, it’s probably been more then a week for him. But, it’s only been a week for me. I’m not prepared to accept it as over yet. Not completely. HE announced it a few weeks ago. Look how much changed in a few weeks. We’ve really hardly been a part. The sale is coming up in a few weeks. Couldn’t his feelings change after the sale, sometime? I NEED more then a week to accept even the thought of the possibility of this being final!

So, even though I told my dog I would not leave him. He is with his daddy. I’m sure he will adjust. Physically, the cat and I are adjusting already, and I am actually relieved of the burden.

Speaking of the cat. I am back to being the Crazy Cat Lady. I lived in a 4-Bedroom House where I had a large Coca-Cola collection and my library was my Cat Room. I’ve decided to decorate my apartment with Cat Things only. I kept one or two of my Coke things only because they are unique, but that is it. I have cat pictures, cat clocks, a cat ceiling pull, a cat rug, cat checks, even a cat license plate frame. I always used to say cats came before a man and if I found a man they would have to approve of each other. If I am/go back into the single life. That will stand again. It is Firepie and I alone now to face the world.

You know the license plate frame I should have gotten: “The More I Know of Men: The More I Love My Cat.” I think I’ll get a sign, or a t-shirt, or something. I know I have to watch my spending but that would really cheer me up. Maybe I’ll buy one thing and put other stuff on my Amazon List. Heck, my friends read this. Someone get me something with that saying, Please. My B-Day is in 6 months.

I think I may actually see what I can find and update my Amazon List now.
One of my favorite shirts just got ripped anyway and had to be thrown away.

Dog Communication

UGH! I had to speak to HIM directly because I was texted with advice per my post. HE is refusing to comment via WordPress because he does not know how and does not want to figure it out. But, HE knows how to solve everything. I know He only wants to help but.. HE forgets that before we got Petey; the people who had him before used to leave him outside all the time and just let him look in. Poor Petey probably thinks I am doing the same thing if I do it that way. However, I did try leaving Petey outside for an entire hour. Petey whined so much I felt guilty and thought someone would call animal control. When I suggested to HIM the idea of trying it in the side yard of the house while he has Petey this wknd if he thinks that’s a way of training Petey to use the cement; HE said, that won’t work, it will only work at my new place. It is cement only on the side of the house where the trash cans are. Therefor, it is another way of saying, he does not want responsibility for my problem. HE says the Dog Potty will only confuse Petey. But, unless HE is a dog, I don’t see how he can prove that one. Oh, wait, according to the Chinese Zodiac, HE is, because that coincides with his birth year.

Anyway, I informed HIM on the phone to be prepared of the future possibility of getting his dog back if I cannot train him.

I must say I am a bit angry and hurt that my feelings are not being respected when it comes to my blog. I nicely gave HIM the website so he can keep up. It really isn’t hard to create a user name. Hell, you can come up with any fictitious name you want and leave a comment under that name. Millions of people do it every day and he works with people that know how to read and write on blogs. I hate playing the angry, cold hearted Bitch but, I am angry and I am hurt and the more I talk and text to him, the more angry and hurt I feel. How many times do I need to have the wounds open? They will Never heal this way!

I believe HE misses me. I believe he cares for me. It’s only been 5? days. I know he cares for the dog. But, if he is ever going to really re-evaluate his love for me and if I am to sort myself out, we need to stop communication for a bit. NO texting, phone calls, etc. We need to have the Garage Sale soon. I do not suggest selling the house soon, as I think it best to wait on the dog issue now to get resolved, but my heart gets knotted up every time I hear his voice or read his text. So Yes, this is communication straight to HIM

PLEASE HAVE SOMEONE TEACH YOU WORDPRESS AND SIGN UP ANONYMOUSLY SO YOU CAN COMMENT! If that’s to much responsibility or to much of a hassle, have a friend who is on WordPress comment for you. Or, open a WordPress Account. But, please have respect and stop texting me. I LOVE YOU and I don’t want to read your texts.

I saw the Psychologist today. I want to see him at least once a week. I have homework to do this time. I have to write HIM a letter with my feelings but not give it to HIM. I always hate that because I always want to give it to the person. The Psych said to write it and we can talk later about whether or not to give it to him. Actually, it may not matter, I cover a lot of how I feel in WordPress. I don’t see the letter being much different other then really condensed.

*I want to add that I really want to throw up re-reading this post and my request to my husband. I just know in my heart it’s what we both Need. What I really want does not matter at the moment. He is not in love with me right now.

Worst Day & One Day At A Time

I might ramble today, but I guess that’s okay. In my situation. I allow myself to babble if I have to.

What’s the worst day in your life so far? Is it a friend or relative dying?, Is it a tornado or natural disaster and losing everything?, Is it a car accident and becoming disabled?, Is it having your heart broken over and over again and finding out after 12 years that the one you married and gave your wedding vows to – the one you decided to finally trust and believe in: the one you took his hand in a public ceremony and swore in front of the world to Love, Honor, Cherish, in Sickness and Health until Death Due You Part has decided the stakes are to high and is giving up?

I never thought I would be in this position in my life. I tried so hard to be the good wife. I’m tired of hearing, “It’s not you, it’s me.” That doesn’t help. It has to be me as well if I could not keep him around.

I never used to get up at 6 or earlier every day..to pack boxes. I never used to cry so many tears and literally start to shake and sob and run to take a Xanax; because the man who I thought loved me made a comment that set me off again.

People say one day at a time and they are right. If I focus on the big picture, I start to freak.

Today. Today, I need to sort out the desk drawers in the office and finish the box in the kitchen. I can do that. I also need to make sure the Renter’s Insurance will be ready. I can do that.

Tomorrow, I will sign the Lease and get the keys. I can’t think about it. I really can’t think about the rest of the week yet. If I do that, I get headaches. I get scared.

He is talking about selling the house soon.

I planted a potato in the backyard not to long ago. It hasn’t started growing yet. I wonder if it will grow for the next person who moves in. If it does, I suppose it will be my gift to them.

With Or Without Him

When I am with him, I am okay. Because he acts as if nothing has changed. We are friendly to each other. I can’t fight with him. There is no reason to. I don’t know why I still buy him food and do his laundry. Yes, I do because the mindset is not here yet. However: the packing goes on. We will be separating but without legal separation papers at first because that costs money and as he said, “If we do that; we may as well just get the divorce.” but, we can’t get the divorce due to medical insurance.” At least, not yet. Maybe in 9 months, he will have had a raise or maybe I will know where/if I am going. I may like the apartment so much; I’ll want to keep renting.

I think my headaches have decreased a bit because he is still here. It has only semi-hit. Like a compact car verses a big-rig. However, my stomach is in knots big time. Crazy diarrhea. I thought it was my diet which could play a factor as I was just starting to keep track again like I was supposed to, but it’s a combination of everything, I think. I know stress can play havoc on your body.

I am praying to hear from the apartments today with the approval of everything and the actual date finalized. In actuality, we only paid for the credit check. They are doing a thorough background investigation. In the meantime, there was a 2nd apartment that was perfect as far as location, amenities and square footage. They had said one would be available on the 8th or sooner. If they called tomorrow and said one was available; I may change my mind due to location purposes. But, they won’t. They aren’t even listed online anymore. This is stress talking. This is so freaky going to a new place, being in limbo and not knowing when, knowing I am going on my own,

I just took the dog to the vet a few days ago but I think I may have to take him again. He seem to be whining and curling himself up which he does when he back starts to bother him, plus, he is scooting and needs an anal express. The vet know the situation, I’m in. Maybe they can just give him some hydrocortisone without an office visit. They’ve done it before.

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