Health & Home

Wow, It seems like I haven’t posted in forever but that’s what happens when your stomach revolts from medication. So I went to the doctor with my usual sinus infection thing as my regular doctor wasn’t in. It sucked because my regular doc would have just called in Z-Pak and I probably would not have even had to see him. Anyway, this one puts me on Bactrim and Bactrim gave me diarrhea so bad that I was going all day and night. I swear, I think I lost another 2 pounds. This is not good. Needless to say, after 3 or so days of that crap (literally), I decide to quit that entirely. I called the doctor who suggested taking one more but I told her NO. The sinus infection is 90% better, and yesterday without the Bactrim, my body finally started to heal. Ugh.

It’s funny. I walk around this apartment complex and sometimes I glance in the windows of the other apartments and I think, Wow, people have really made their places homey. But, then I remember. THEY LIVE HERE!

This isn’t a vacation. WE LIVE HERE. FIREPIE, PETEY AND I. It is not going to just end and we are not going to go back to our lives before; Back to the family that we were when I was a wife and the animals would run to the door when their “daddy” would come home. My place is not homey because I have not put any pictures up at all. In my mind, I do not “live” here. This is not our home.

I remember a time before when we got to this point in the relationship and HE had said HE might want to separate temporarily and I had agreed to move out then. We had set the time for about 3-6 months or so. HE was going to stay in the house that time. I had gotten to the point of packing boxes. Somehow, in my mind, I did not think it was really over then..and it wasn’t. HE went to counseling before changing his mind. But, this time? You know the story.

I Got The Dog Back(& HIS Bad Reason)

Yesterday was one of the happiest days so far for me! I got my dog back!
The first week was shock and trauma and questions and tears, etc. Neither I, nor Petey, nor Firepie could figure out just what was going on nor why we had been thrown into this situation. We could not get our schedules figured out.

It’s been a month now and I’ve decided I want my Petey back. I want him sleeping with me, I want to know where he is, I want to be here when he is afraid of Fireworks on the 4th of July, I want doggie kisses and to spoil him with treats (even if I shouldn’t) and toys. I am his Mommy. Plus, I told Petey I would never abandon him like his dad did to us and I felt like that’s what I had done.

So, I called HIM. He said okay. He let me get Petey right away. He and I were friendly and civil. Well, we’ve always been friendly to each other. We’ve never fought. That’s the whole weird thing about this break-up. I asked HIM, if he has been so unhappy for the last 10 years of our marriage, why did he wait so long to do this? Why not let me go after two years? HE said he wanted to tell me sooner but I was always sick (NOT TRUE), he said he stuck around because he didn’t know who else would care for me: out of guilt. That’s a cop-out because he got the courage to do it now, all of a sudden. I told HIM how much what he has done has hurt me.

I told him how it makes me feel like I’ve wasted the last 12 years with someone who didn’t love me. Never mind the fact that HE has felt this way for 10 years verses 12. I could have given my love and made my vows to someone who really loved me and didn’t decide to give up because they didn’t want responsibility anymore. There might actually have been somebody out there that would have loved and accepted me for the girl I was then; and who knows, maybe actually helped me feel better and more accepting of my health problems verses making me feel worse by bailing because of them.

HE mentioned that HE is trying to be decent in this whole situation and he is wants me to be happy. He also mentioned that he cries to.. at least once a week. Once a week? What’s once a week? How about once a day or more? How about an ocean, to where you can’t count the tears? Why would I have sympathy for your once a week cryng over what you caused and supposedly wanted?

Needless to say, despite my tears of hurt mixed with my joy at getting my dog back, I could not look at HIM again, as HE stood at the garage door and watched us leave. I talked to Petey and backed the car out of the driveway of what once was my house;.our house. The house of cards that we built our love in, the house that crashed down but 52 Pick-Up is not meant to be played because most of the cards are missing. I tried to give the house key back, but HE wouldn’t take it. I don’t know why. There is nothing left for me in that house anymore.

Petey is home

Petey is home

Suffering Dog Guilt, But, It Was Best

I saw Petey when I dropped the stuff off for him yesterday. I feel so sad. He didn’t even bark at me when I showed up. That isn’t like him. He is 14 years old. This is a big change for him. He went from one family to another (us) and we loved him and spoiled him and I was home with him all the time and he slept with me. Now, he is alone all day while HE goes to work. This has to be a shock on the poor dog. He is 14 years old! I feel guilty today. I know HE loves that dog. I know HE will take care of him. I also know it was the best decision for me. But, I seriously hope the dog can adjust to this. HE won’t get another dog to keep Petey company, I don’t think. Petey had a cat for company before. Now, he has nobody while HE is at work, and this wknd HE is going away. I don’t even want to think about it.

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After the dog yesterday, I got the car washed, then went to Walgreens and picked up my prescriptions. I also ordered myself some food from The Gluten Free Mall. I’ve found most of the stores I go to such as Mothers, Whole Foods, Sprouts, etc. seem to be further away now so it’s better to just have most things delivered. I like to do that anyway and not deal with the hassle of people and aisles and carts and lines, etc. Plus, this way everything I can eat is all in one place and easier to get without contamination.

Physically, I am doing a bit better this morning. I am planning on going to the lab and then getting coffee and Starbucks for breakfast.

Still Sick and Thinking Realistically

Still sick which doesn’t surprise me. I could not do it and still talked on the phone.
I only have to take the dog stuff over today and that’s it since I have just re-scheduled my Psych appointment to next week. It’s a bad idea to see the Psych today when my body and head are already foggy, plus, I need to talk during those appointments.

HE won’t be there to drop off the dog stuff since HE is working.

I was thinking last night and yes, you (all of you) are correct. 2% is a number HE picked out of the air to give me for any hope of getting back together in the future because I need/needed one. He knows it would break my heart if he said Never. I’m not quite sure how far this goes back that he has been Serious about leaving me. I really believed some or most of his comments were in jest.

I keep saying I want to hold onto something. But, as you have pointed out, why hold onto someone who doesn’t love you? Because this is the man who once DID love me. This is the man who walked down the aisle with me swearing before God and the world that he would love me, “In Sickness and in Health Until Death Do Us Part!” This is the man that loved me enough to give me his kidney so I could live. Yet, somehow, there was a turn in his mind.

Maybe it’s because I am a woman but I plead, beg and search for a legitimate answer. Anything to tell me just what and when our lives went so very wrong. Seriously, I need to accept the reason that I was sick to much? That makes him sound very selfish and carries on the trend of almost all my previous relationships. Was he thinking of this before or after he wanted separate bedrooms because he said my nightmares and side effects from meds kept him awake?
I would be happier if I found a picture or any other evidence of him having had an affair because I would get an answer. I could connect the being sick to much and lack of sex to the affair and it would make sense.

What kills me is..there is no closure. Not in the divorce, separation sort of sense. I still need to get myself ready for that. In the whole reasoning sense. This is worse then every other break-up I’ve had because there have been reasons for those. Some of which were stupid.

He is very determined and stubborn. Usually when he sets his mind to something, he does it. If he has really set his mind that this is final, there is to be no 2 or any %. No matter how much I cry, beg or pray. I know I need to wrap my mind around that.

What you all need to understand is I can’t go one minute hearing I definitely want to separate, two weeks later in an apartment and BOOM! be Divorced! It is to much in one swoop. This is why I am taking time to digest all this and slowly face reality and all facts. Facts. Not reasons; because I can’t find anything legitimate. I am starting to understand (on my own) there is no hope for a future with him. The acceptance part has not exactly set in but it is coming; the preparedness in my head is starting. It is not HIM calling the shots, it is me.

I will always love him in my heart but I will never understand and to have no closure; No real reason, Other then to say “You are sick to much”, or “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m not in love with you” or “I don’t like responsibility” just doesn’t cut it. I would rather have something more specific.

I am/was not a clingy wife. I did not put boundaries on my husband. I did not set rules. I’ll always remember when he we had this conversation:

S: “After we get married, Am I still going to be able to play Basketball?”

Me: “What do mean? Are you going to break your arm?”

S. “Well, some guys are saying when you get married the girls change and don’t let you do anything anymore.”

Me.: “When you get married, you add to each others lives; not subtract from them. Of course you can still play Basketball and I will still Karaoke.”

So, HE played Basketball and Volleyball and Softball, I Karaoke and Write. We did things together. We went to movies, car rides, things that pertain to animals..like the zoo, gambling trips, etc. probably not as much as he would have liked due to my being sick. But, we did things.

Since I had health issues that affected our sexual life: I didn’t mind if he looked at porn on the computer. I gave him time and stayed in the other room; if he and a buddy wanted to go to a strip club once in a while it was fine. Although, I did notice it become a bit more current within the last few months.

I gave the man everything he wanted and in return he leaves after 12 years of marriage. Without giving me the one thing I really need. A legitimate, true, reason.

First Day of Laughter Since My Hell

Bad News-Sick Today. Guess my body is telling me to slow down and my throat is telling me to stop talking. I only had one errand which will have to wait until tomorrow. My appointment wasn’t until the afternoon tomorrow so I can do todays plan tomorrow morning.

In good news- Yesterday was actually a decent day with laughter. I think it was the first day of mostly laughter. Went to Ruby’s Diner for lunch with a friend. I asked the guy who took our drink order if he had a Gluten-Free menu and first he asked what Gluten-Free meant. That’s a normal question, and in my case it means I can’t eat wheat, which I told him. But, then he asked “Why?” I got thrown off. “Why?” Who asks that? My friend was like, “IBS” and I added, “Yeah, Bowel Issues, Stomach Problems.” He said he was sorry as he just wanted to know and would get the server who knew more then he did. He was a young guy, probably straight out of high school; but my friend and I cracked up. “Why?” How about, because I woke up one day and thought it would be fun to bug people who work in restaurants with making orders complicated and figuring out what and if I can eat anything in your restaurant. Anyway, I wound up ordering a Veggie Sandwich on a Gluten Free Hamburger Bun and some Garlic Fries. The Garlic Fries did have some vegetable oil in them but since I’ve already had some stomach issues lately, it’s not like it’s much worse and the sandwich/bun thing was excellent. But the bun was so big I could hardly get my mouth around it. (Quiet, Celaine!). I haven’t eaten in a restaurant or that much food for so long, I could only eat half so the other half is in my refrigerator for today.

Then, last night, I got re-acquainted with an old friend from years ago. Suffice it to say, this is a person of whom we have had falling outs over and over again but our friendship has always picked up where its left off. Needless to say, we talked on the phone for over two hours last night catching up. Even though he lives a different lifestyle and has never been married, talking to him can really keep me grounded. Even with our falling outs, he has been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life, he is sort of like a brother to me. I know our conversation has a lot to do with my being sick today only because it probably didn’t help to talk until 2 a.m. on the phone but it’s okay. It was worth it in the end.

So, my friend from years ago is back in my life, My friend C. will come over another day, My errand from of today will be done tomorrow, I have lots of soup and stuff, Petey is not here so I don’t have to get dressed and can lay around all day. Today will be a recovery day so I can continue on tomorrow.

Marriage Is Forever..Until.

Marriage is forever..until it’s not. It get’s hard. So, he walks away.

In my case, it was the sickness and health that did it. I’m to sick. It’s True! I was born sick. I’ve always been sick. I was sick with a virus or something when he proposed. During the first 3 months we dated I got sick, I had an Appendectomy, and my cat died. But, he said he still loved me and even though I joked and said I might bring him bad luck, he said we would only have good luck after.

Two years later, I was diagnosed with Kidney Failure. I needed a transplant. He was the first one tested. He was my perfect match. Now, I’m on Immunosuppressant’s. Things aren’t better. I’m sick all the time. Every cough, flu, cold.. I get it. IMMUNOSUPPRESSANT’S suppress the immune system. You are very susceptible to getting sick. There ya go.

Time passes. I have stomach issues Guess what? I’m wheat intolerant! I guess I’ll go on a gluten-free diet. That helps quite a bit. That cuts down on a lot of our restaurant choices. I’m a Migraine Sufferer and they are getting worse. The seasons, foods, I don’t know why. The doctors keep changing my meds. The meds make me sleep or sick. I NEED help. My husband took me to the hospital a few times for a week to two at a time for headaches, he also took me for fecal issues (gross, I know.), I had to get back on the formula I was on when I was a child due to my metabolic disorder. They think that might help my stomach issues. It may have a little bit but I still have issues. Probably always will. I’ve had an Anal Fissure. I’ve had it removed via surgery. Now, I am going to have a Hysterectomy soon because I have a Vaginal Prolapse? Sex isn’t because of pain. BUT, I’m seeing doctors. I’m waiting for referrals. I’m trying to get help. So:

It isn’t me, it’s him. He doesn’t want to be married anymore. He doesn’t want to take care of me. He doesn’t want responsibility. He doesn’t like hospitals. He isn’t happy. He is willing to stay friends. He wants out.

We are looking at apartments. I will be moving soon. I am taking the animals. My emotions are a mess. How can it be so easy to just walk away because things get hard? What kind of person does this? Where did my husband go? They need to have Separation Ceremonies and Divorce Ones as well like they do Marriage, so people will take their vows more seriously.

Marriage is forever..until it’s not.

Watching A Hunger Show While Eating- So Wrong

Yesterday, I was watching a ‘Feed The Children.’ program and I got hungry, so I took a break and made dinner and ate it while watching the rest of the show. This seems like a sin. These shows are showing starving people in other countries but its talking about food, so it made me hungry. Plus, it showed rice. Seriously wrong, I know.

I wonder if I hadn’t been born sickly and if I didn’t have all these health issues..just what I might have been in the long run? I’ve always wondered if I could have been one of those people who worked and lived in one of those countries or in a Mission somewhere serving people in need. I could see myself living with or near the homeless and destitute, and offering food and clothing and hope.

Sometimes, I wonder what my purpose really is.

Today is Mother’s Day, My Mother-In-Law’s Birthday, and our 12th Anniversary!

My mother has been deceased for the last 3 years, and I think I’ve decided to pretty much stay away from the Facebook posts about Mother’s Day and the WordPress ones also. I called my Mother-In-Law and wished her a Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day, and as for my Anniversary; this is the first one a part.

Could Marijuana Help? (+ other topics)

I woke up yesterday coughing, sore throat, headaches, etc. the works. Good thing I already have an appointment scheduled with my Primary today for a consult re: my headaches.

It’s looking more and more like our 12th Anniversary is going to be spent here with me alone with the animals and my husband in Vegas with his Aunt and Mother. Honestly, it will probably be better that way, this year. When I feel decent; I actually do enjoy being alone. I have these visions that I am going to be like Mary Poppins and thoroughly clean the house from top to bottom and it is going to be sparkling and shiny, but alas, that never works because the shredding alone is overwhelming.

I think I’ll just call and cancel Firepie’s boarding reservation + let our pet sitter know. I really don’t see drastic changes in the next four days. Plus, even if I did start feeling better, I would probably get worse again as soon as we got there or home; what with all the smoke, noise, etc.

Back to the headache note: I wonder if Marijuana can help headaches. I think it is legal here (at least with a doctors note). I may look into it. I can’t imagine smoking it, but I remember saying I could not imagine giving myself a shot either and now I have no problem with that. I doubt that’s an option the doctor will discuss with me today, but you never know.

Wknd People Observations

The wknd was nice to a point where I actually got out and went the mall to Victoria’s Secret to buy some bra’s.  Just in time because I’d received my new card and a $10.00 off card.  That is one item I do not buy often so I will not buy a cheap, ill-fitting one.  I also got a gift for a friend who just had to have her cat put down.  Long, sad story..I don’t want to get into.  However:

No, this person does not read my blog (at least I hope not and has never mentioned so) so, I can say this:  After having a long chat with her on the phone about her life and how it was going, I got to thinking about something.  She and her husband have a two (almost two) year old and receive Wic.  He works full-time and she just started a part-time job.  She mentioned that she cannot go  to full-time employment because then she would lose Wic assistance and she doesn’t want to do that.  Isn’t Wic supposed to be a temporary program until people get back on their feet?  How old are the children before the Wic program gets cut off?  Isn’t the goal to want to improve your life and get off of such a system (like food stamps) if possible verses staying on it?

Now, before you compare it – Yes, I am on Disability.  However, I do have a (many) disabilities.  There is no way I could possibly hold a job with how often I am in bed with debilitating headaches, sore throats, viruses, etc.  I do not know from one night to the next if we can even go to dinner.  It’s a big difference and a completely different issue to live with actual chronic pain.

Anyway, I also went to IHOP with my husband and his friend for dinner on Saturday.  It’s amazing how my stomach remains fine when I get what I can eat.  The only thing I can eat there is Strawberry Crepes made with eggs only and whipped cream on top.  Yum.  Plus, the hash browns are okay because they cook them with butter.

My husbands’ friend moved sold his mobile  home and moved into a new apartment.  His live-in girlfriend?, friend? (not sure what the relationship) of what seems like forever is in a rehab/care facility and probably will be for the rest of her life.  I don’t exactly remember why.  I know she just cannot walk hardly at all anymore and has numerous other health issues.  (I used to visit her but after mom died, I just don’t really go to those places anymore.  But, I digress.)   Anyway, his place is nice.  It’s in a Sr. Apartment Complex.  I was just surprised that after all those years together (over 20), there wasn’t one picture of them together.  Yes, he is all unpacked and set up.  This was not just a roommate type situation, as, he still goes to visit her every day.

Making Time For Pain, and Life.In Between

So, I had my IVIG Infusion on the 20th for the Hypogammagobulynemia and it did last 6 hours.  The process itself was not to bad.  It was a basic I.V. and I drank a lot of water and watched a few movies.  The nurse that came was really friendly.  As a matter of fact, I think she talked a bit to much.  I was glad my husband was home because we had to lock up my cat in another room and she cried and cried so he would close my door and let her out once in a while.

The Hellish part came afterward.  That same night the headaches hit.  As you all know, I am a headache sufferer anyway and these were intense.  I mean Intense!  They would slam on sharply and cause nausea.  Needless to say, I was up crying and taking meds and even vomiting (once) along with dry heaves until 3:30 in the morning.  I was actually thankful we don’t have a gun in the house because you just want the pain to end at a time like that.  (No, I would not do that.  I don’t believe in it.).  Anyway, the next day was pretty much drugs and sleep and today I made it to the postal store and to Walgreen’s before some more meds and Yes, more sleep.  My husband had taken the day off too.  I really am a sucky or sicky wife.

I have my first Botox treatment on Thursday.  I sure pray I don’t have headache side effects from that.  I seriously don’t now if I can handle anymore.

In other news., I mentioned I went to the Postal Store today.  That’s because someone posted on Facebook about someone needing help due the flooding in Indiana.  It always makes me feel good to be able to send a Care Package to someone who really needs it verses going through the organizations such as Red Cross, Salvation Army, etc.

So, I got a box together and got it out.  I’m sure he can share what he can’t use with friends and neighbors who also suffered loss.

It feels good to know that between my pain bouts;  I could still do a good deed for someone else.